Abram's Daughters: The Betrayal Part 10

"You may be thinkin' that, but believe me, there ain't a shred of truth to it."

She sat up, wiping away her tears. "Why's it seem so, then?"

"Your spirit's all closed up like a rock-hard honeycomb. Back when you gave up your innocence, you hardened your heart to the gift of purity that's meant for your husband. You're altogether different now that you've been awakened to fleshly desires, the longings a wife has for her husband."

Sadie felt her pulse pounding in her stomach. She did yearn for Derry every day of her life. "You seem to know whai I'm feelin', Auntie."

Lizzie turned to look out the window for a moment. Her 129iu e { r a u a I lip quivered slightly. "I'm guessin' it's about time I own up to you. You're plenty old enough now... ." She sighed. "Indeed, I do know what you're feelin'. Know it as sure as you sittin' liciv next to me."

"Whatever do you mean?"

Aunt Lizzie faltered, and if Sadie wasn't mistaken, there wiis a sad glint in her eyes. "As a young woman I committed .1 grievous sin against the Lord G.o.d, one of the reasons my lather, Dawdi John, sent me here to Gobbler's k.n.o.b to i-scape the shame that was sure to come in Hickory Hollow." "Are you sayin' what I think?" Sadie asked, nervous to hear more.

"You must keep this between just us. Abram would not want me speakin' of this, not without his say-so."

"Dat wouldn't?" She was truly perplexed, yet the urgent lk)ok on Aunt Lizzie's face was nearly irresistible. H "He's an honorable man, Abram. Still, he is tight-lipped, Hid with all gut reason."

H Sadie purposely turned to face Lizzie as they sat on the ouch. She f it ever so drawn to her aunt now, desperately Heeding to concentrate on her gentle face, witness the hauntHig sadness and the truth-light in her eyes as Lizzie whispered Hnderly, if hesitantly, of "the darlin' baby girl born to me jgwlien I was but a teen." Lizzie's eyes spilled over with tears, but she kept them fixed on Sadie. I "AbabyV I Lizzie nodded her head slowly.

E "I never would've guessed. Not now, not ever," Sadie whispered, unable to speak in her normal tone, so stunned she 130.

-Lu J2t was. Had Aunt Lizzie been required to live as a maidel for this reason: "I've borne this secret these many years."

"Oh, Aunt Lizzie..."

"My dear girl, I've suffered the terrible consequence of my sin by not bein' able to raise my child as my own. But lon^ ago I purposed in my heart to follow G.o.d in spite of what had happened to me."

"So ... I'm not the only one to lose a child... ." She was aware of Aunt Lizzie's steady breathing. No wonder I feel so close to you, she thought, leaning her head against her aunt's shoulder.

Lizzie caressed Sadie's head, and for a moment they sat there, not speaking, scarcely moving.

After a time Sadie opened her eyes. Her heart was bursting with love and sympathy both, and she wondered just where Lizzie's daughter was now, all grown-up. Had one of Dat's or Mamma's many siblings stepped in to raise the little one? She didn't have the heart to ask just now, though she was dying to know.

Leah sat in the waiting room, hoping the doctor could help ease Dawdi's pain, his being the last patient of the day. Dat had said the strangest thing about the sudden onset of Dawdi's health problems the other day. He'd indicated Dawdi surely had something "all bottled up inside," and when she had asked just what that could be, Dat had brushed it off like 131fOeirayal 11 was nothing to worry over. Well, far as she was concerned, I )uwdi wasn't putting on. She'd seen him shuffle along, nearly Inine. She'd seen him wince as he stepped in and out of the buggy, too.

Reaching for a magazine on the lamp table, she opened to ii lull-page advertis.e.m.e.nt. A sense of guilt swept over her as, slic read the caption: Which Twin Has the Toni? She stared at I1 ic smiling faces of identical twin girls with matching home wnves and bare necks. Englishers seemed bent on short hair, lots of curls, and too much skin, along with the many things ilii'ir money could buy. She had come to this conclusion the low times she'd allowed herself a glance at the magazines disphiycd here in Dr. Schwartz's office. Convicted, she returned 1110 magazine to the table.

Thinking now of Sadie, she hoped maybe her sister had inn off to see Aunt Lizzie this afternoon after the spat with M;iinma, Surely their aunt could help focus Sadie's mind on holy living on obedience, too.

(ietting up, Leah went to the window and stared out. The luiio horse and buggy looked nearly out of place in the empty 11;irk ing area, yet she was glad for Dr. Schwartz's willingness to wo patients besides his English clients.

She pondered again the frightening night Sadie had given hulh. She alone had been the reason the doctor had come to hrlp Sadie, having ridden bareback on one of Dat's horses a plinntom ride through the midnight darkness, up the narrow mi,ul 10 the clinic. She recalled how reluctant she had been in inivel back to the Ebersol Cottage and up the mule road wlili Dr. Schwartz in his fast automobile ... yet she had. (flipping the door handle, she'd worried herself nearly 132.

-iu J2i sick at what might await them in Aunt Lizzie's log house.

Moving away from the window, she walked slowly about the room, noticing the many framed photographs on the light-colored walls. Pictures of people intrigued her, perhaps because she had been warned to avoid cameras, ever present in the summer when English tourists came calling. It was all right to display pastoral scenes on the walls, along with crossst.i.tched designs and floral or nature-related calendars. Bishop Bontrager permitted such things, but photographs of people were downright prohibited.

But here she was met by one smiling face after another, each framed in wood, all English folk. Nearly a whole wall of people dressed in fancy clothes, especially a woman with cropped and curled hair, seated on a white< p="">

Looking closer, she recognized the man to be Dr. Henry Schwartz. Is that his wife? she wondered.

Several more photographs featured the foursome, no doubt posing at the photography studio she'd seen in downtown Lancaster, though of course she had never dared darken the door. The last in the lineup was a portrait of a boy with thick brown hair and exceptionally dark eyes, wearing what she guessed was a baseball team uniform, since there was a baseball bat in the youngster's hand.

She was drawn to the smiling face and saw the words: Thanks, Dad ... Love, Deny in the bottom corner.

How peculiar to think someone would actually write on a photograph. But then she guessed that this, too, was another one of the strange customs of the English.

133Idetrayal Deny ...

Suddenly she began to s.h.i.+ver uncontrollably. Her scalp felt: p.r.i.c.kly as she stared at the boyish scrawl. She'd heard of only one such Englisher by that name in her life.

Her mind was spinning now. But no! This couldn't be Siidie's Derry, could it? Did Sadie go and fall in love with one of I >r. Schwartz's sons? she wondered.

Rejecting the notion, she went back and studied each of I lie framed pictures yet again, discovering one that was surely I he same boy, only much older, possibly a graduating highschool senior. She moved back and forth between the two pictures, double-checking the young man's features against I1 lose of the child. She was desperate for something more to }',n on.

At last she spied gold lettering in the far corner and the name of the photo studio. Gold Tone, 1946.

Could this be the boy Sadie still wept for ... the father of her dead baby? Going to sit on one of the several wooden chairs that lined the wall, she felt truly bewildered. If what she suspected was true, then Dr. Schwartz had delivered his own grandson last April.

Her heart was pounding. Her sister had been defiled by the good doctor's son!

She bit her lip, refusing the anger that threatened to overflow. She felt like running out the door and all the way home; she wanted to ease her exasperation but was ever so mindful of her surroundings. I'll wait right here for Dawdi ... I must hold my peace....

To stave off her fury, she turned and looked out the window yet again, across the yard to the road and the forested 134.

ty e hillock beyond. She wanted to hurry home and ask Sadie if Derry Schwartz was, in fact, the father. On further reflection, she determined not to. She must not question her sister because it would be one more irritation between them. She was unwilling to further jeopardize their sisterhood.

When Dawdi emerged on the doctor's arm, still rubbing his thigh from the sting of a shot, she felt her head spin a bit. Carefully she rose and helped Dawdi John out the door and down to the horse and carriage. "Ach, I forgot to pay the doctor bill," Dawdi said once she had him settled.

"Not to worry, I'll return tomorrow," she replied, her thoughts in a flurry.

"Denki, Leah. You're such a gut girl".

Gut girl ...

If only Sadie had been so. If only Sadie had refused the affections of an English boy.

Purposely Leah directed her attention to dear Dawdi, engaging him in slow conversation, attempting to soothe him, as well as to drive away the anger within herself.

135-n-^p4-V-il-t>4i --*- # ^- e-'riA, Vlter breakfast Mamma said she would be the one to go to I >i. Schwartz's clinic to pay Dawdi's bill from the day before. " I won't be but a minute," she announced before stepping out

1110 back door.

Sadie was aware of Leah scurrying out to the chicken coop 111 feed the hens and the lone rooster while the twins kneaded i w< i="" mounds="" of="" bread="" dough.="" it="" was="" sadie's="" morning="" to="" tend="" i="" lir="" roadside="" stand,="" but="" instead="" of="" heading="" there="" she="" stood="" in="" i="" ik1="" window="" an^j="" watched="" mamma="" leave="" in="" the="" carriage.="" aunt="" i="" i.izie's="" heartrending="" confession="" continued="" to="" fill="" her="" mind.="" to="" i1="" link="" both="" lizzie="" and="" she="" had="" done="" the="" selfsame="" evil="" in="" the="" ii;ht="" of="" G.o.d.="" during="" that="" troubling="" time,="" mamma="" and="" dat="" li;id="" taken="" lizzie="" under="" their="" united="" wing,="" helping="" her="" through="" i="" he="" pregnancy="" and="" delivery="" of="" a="" baby="" girl.="" but="" lizzie="" had="" nipped="" short="" of="" telling="" the="" whole="" story,="" saying,="" when="" sadie="" kid="" asked="" at="" long="" last="" what="" happened="" to="" her="" baby,="" that="" the="" i'ishop="" decided="" the="" child="" should="" be="" given="" away.="" "to="" be="" i'lopted?"="" sadie="" had="" said,="" horrified.="" lizzie="" indicated="" it="" had="" i't'cn="" so="" with="" a="" solemn="" nod="" of="" her="" head.="" when="" sadie="" pressed="">

e 0 e r L y Lu J2t for more details, Lizzie a.s.sured her " 'twas best for the baby, indeed."

Befuddled, Sadie hadn't even thought to ask how old Lizzie's daughter would be by now. She was astounded at the account Lizzie had given of her wild and youthful days. It wasn't any wonder why her wounded aunt was so understanding and kind toward her. Toward everyone whose life she touched, really.

Sadie went and asked Mary Ruth to cover for her out front at the roadside stand. "Just for a few minutes, would ya?" And Mary Ruth reluctantly agreed, washed the flour off her hands, and headed out the back door.

Sadie then crept up the stairs to the biggest bedroom, Dat and Mamma's room. There in the corner, snug in an oversized cherrywood cradle, Lydiann slept soundly. Last night had been a ruckus of sorts, a difficult one for the whole household. Lydiann's crying had kept Mamma and Dat from having much rest at all. Both Sadie and Leah had awakened to Dat's voice, then to his footsteps on the stairs as he headed outside for a spell, probably needing a bit of repose. Mamma had been the one to stay with Lydiann, humming and cajoling, finally getting her settled down again in the wee hours.

Standing over the pink-cheeked bundle, Sadie peered into the cradle. Lydiann's facial features, even her little head, were changing ever so quickly. Maybe all that crying and fussing made her grow faster. In no time at all she'd be sitting up, even crawling, talking ... and before they knew it, she'd be off to singings, married, and a mamma herself; so the life cycle went. Goodness, Sadie had observed enough babies and tod-137The n&ei rayt in is growing up just that quickly in the church and at home, i>" >, i inht under her nose.

Sin-knelt beside the cradle, touching the side ever so hrliily ... rocking, rocking. She stroked the precious, dimI'li-. I hands, soft as cotton. "You're aperty baby girl," she whisi" i'il. "But you cry every night like your heart's a-breakin'.

1 v Iiut an awful sad time it is round here. But you ... just look H you. You're all right, Lydiann. You're alive ... breathin' and .-.win'...."

She leaned down and lifted the sweet-smelling bundle out > I I lie cradle. Pacing the wide-plank floor in her bare feet, she i ued at the sleeping angel in her arms. You ... you're as iceet as a flower, but my baby's dead. You came to us just as 1 I' >'. my own little one.

She went and sat in the big rocker, across from the dresser, 1 n r arms warm with Lydiann's body so close to her. "A sorry ' Hf.use I am for a big sister," she whispered. "It's not that I It >n't love you, Lydiann ... I do."

She began humming a mournful tune, something Gideon I Vuchey had played on his harmonica years ago. Back when they, all the girls and Dat and Mamma, had been invited by I1 ip smithy and his wife for a family picnic. And Gid, surn nmded by his two younger sisters and the four Ebersol girls, 11,ul played the sad melody. Maybe he was outnumbered by rills and miserable, or he was secretly longing for a girlfriend, hui Sadie had never forgotten the song. Nor the light in Gid's vi's for young Leah, who seemed oblivious to him, except ih;ii she nodded her head slowly to his melancholy music.

So Sadie hummed for Lydiann, thinking back over the yi'iirs ... all the happy days growing up here in Gobbler's

137 138.

-lu J2e

k.n.o.b, playing both in and near Blackbird Pond, swinging on the haymow rope, making grape jelly with Adah and Dorcas, watching Gid with his newest batch of German shepherd pups. ...

Unexpectedly, the baby stirred, and lest the melody awaken her, Sadie stopped humming and began to rock more steadily. Then, once Lydiann had relaxed again and drifted back to sleep, Sadie talked to her, oh, so softly, scarcely able to stop. "I wish it weren't true, but you'll never, ever know your tiny nephew, my dead little baby. Not this side of the Jordan. You see, the Lord G.o.d took him away ... before he ever had a chance to breathe or live or know how dearly loved he was."

She struggled, trying to hold back the tears lest they fall unchecked onto the tiny cotton nightgown. Besides, if she gave in to her urgent need to cry, she might not stop for a long time, like Lydiann did each and every night. But no, Sadie didn't want Mary Ruth and Hannah aware she was up here confessing her sins to a sleeping baby, of all things.

Confessing ...

She sat there, rocking and sniffling. Leah's and Aunt Lizzie's constant urging echoed in her ears and now Naomi threatening to tell if she didn't... .

She pondered what it might be like to tell the sorry truth of her sins to her parents and, eventually, to the church brethren ... how she would kneel low on bended knee in front of the entire members.h.i.+p of the People. Such a hushed silence there would be in the house of wors.h.i.+p, with the newly baptized young people staring at her, including the young men.

139.

I Awful difficult it was to imagine, yet she persisted. She %i)mIiI lie required to speak up enough to be heard not only lly the deacon and the preachers, but all the People must be ii< to="" hear="" what="" she="" and="" derry="" had="" done="" in="" the="" private="" [it="" h="" veil="" of="" the="" hunter's="" shack,="" in="" the="" name="" of="" love.="" i="" she="" felt="" the="" heat="" of="" her="" shame="" and="" reproach="" like="" the="" fires="" ill="" h.e.l.l="" licking="" at="" her="" feet.="" sadie="" shuddered="" at="" the="" mental="" jim="" iyds="" the="" sadness="" and="" shock="" on="" mamma's="" face,="" the="" tense="" [n-i="" of="" dat's="" jaw,="" the="" accusing="" eyes="" of="" the="" people="" boring="" into="" ili'="" i,="" flic="" ministers="" asking="" repeated="" questions.="" i="" i="" low="" could="" she="" go="" through="" it?="" how="" could="" she="" repent="" of="" (l="" .1="" in="" ;="" her="" child?="" repent="" of="" her="" anger="" toward="" G.o.d,="" who="" had="" if.="" j="" .11="" her="" child,="" had="" killed="">

I She looked down at Lydiann. The sweet peace of sleep on It. wee face gave Sadie a sudden and terrible panic. She realli " I ;inew that repentance would mean the loss of everything lulu 11 ever wanted. No boy in Gobbler's k.n.o.b would give her L I'i'ond look, pretty as she knew she was. And worst of lull . , . having a dear, precious baby of her own, one just like Llhmnjwould be forever impossible.

I I hnnah felt uneasy standing there in the hallway. She l iiii I come upstairs to inform Sadie that Mary Ruth was getting l m it u customers than she alone could handle at the vegetable 111.1ml. She preferred not to run out front herself but wanted II i. lie to go instead, since it was Sadie's responsibility, anyway. I When she finally found her oldest sister, she almost called Ii her. But she was taken aback seeing Sadie sitting in ijMiimrna's rocking chair, talking to Lydiann, who was sleeping Jiiyht through it.

140"ueuerly JL-e us I s

Listening, she overheard the most startling words. Could it be? Ach no. Sadie was surely making up a story a sordid one at that just talking slow and soft to soothe Lydiann. To be sure, their baby sister had been awful fussy since she came into the world. A person might whisper most anything to quiet down a tot like that. Still, Hannah had not heard Lydiann cry out or fuss at all this morning, not since Mamma left. Sowhat's Sadie doing up here! she wondered.

Having listened in this long, she decided it wouldn't hurt to stand here a bit more. The English customers out front would just have to wait their turn with Mary Ruth. She locked her knees and leaned her ear, but what came next shocked Hannah no end. Sadie was cooing to Lydiann, her voice trembling as she spoke of another infant, though dead. "He was my own baby boy. The result of the worst sin I ever committed, yet I loved him so."

Hannah began to wonder just when on earth was it Sadie had been in the family way? If any of what she was babbling was even true.

But Hannah had heard enough. More than she cared to, really, yet she stood there nearly frozen in place, contemplating the meaning of Sadie's confession. Were Mamma and Aunt Lizzie privy to any of this? And what would Dat say or do if he knew? She could scarcely breathe at the thought.

Leah finished up with the chickens, gathering in the eggs before closing the door on their squawking. She hurried to the house as Mary Ruth came flying across the side yard. "It's Sadie's turn at the vegetable stand now," Mary Ruth said hastily. "I'm plumb wore out."

141.

B "()U>. What's Sadie doing?"

^fl "I thought you knew where she was," Mary Ruth replied. HLi'nh had no desire to look for or exchange words with ^Jte I his morning. They'd said not a word to each other last ^Bntni: as they undressed for bed. She must simply wait and ^V Siulic would do the right thing.

^jiShc must not borrow trouble and worry over what might ^p. She lurned her thoughts to Jonas. Time at last to write Tnd it* 11 him of her surprising chat with Dat, that her father's ;in had softened. She would head up to the woods, to her n ir spot in the sun. No need telling anyone where she w.i ]">in >, not with the day so bright and blue and not a i Imiil in I he sky.

k I 11 u rying upstairs, she b.u.mped into Hannah, who looked Hjln i p;tle in the face. "Are you ill?" Leah asked. P I liitmah shook her head no. "In Sadie around?"

I Imuiah pointed meekly toward Mamma's bedroom. "Iniln n "

I tali turned to look just in time to see Sadie putting ^ili.mn down in the cradle. "What's she doin'?" she whis-.

I"

H "I wondered the same" came Hannah's reply.

Hj Well, wasn't this an interesting turn of events? Sadie was ^nding to Lydiann without being asked. What does it mean? Hnh wondered. H I culi turned to Hannah. "I'd like to talk with Sadie ...

Hj I hinnah nodded and headed down the steps.

H Without delay, Leah went to Sadie, who was still staring 142id e l> e r I y oi_-e im> L s down at Lydiann. "Sister?" she said, standing near.

Sadie's cheeks were wet with tears.

"What's wrong?" Leah asked, touching her sister's elbow.

Sadie sighed, casting her sad gaze downward. Soon she looked up, her lower lip trembling uncontrollably. "I've been trying, Leah. Honestly, I've been thinking through my kneel' ing confession, and I can't do it."

For a moment Leah was at a loss for words. Sadie seemed unwavering in her decision. "Maybe later, then. Won't you give yourself a bit more time?"

"I'm simply markin' time now, waitin' with no purpose," Sadie replied. "Don't you see? There's no hope of a normal life for me here. Not anymore ..."

"Oh, Sadie, that's not true. You're still grievin' for your baby. Things will certainly get better. Won't you reconsider?"