You're A Horrible Person, But I Like You Part 9

Julia Mordaunt Burlington, VT Dear Julia: Oh, Julia. Where to start? First of all, just because she eats cookie dough doesn't mean she likes it. She might eat it because it's all she gets. Why don't you ever give her regular cat food? Cookie dough is filled with sugar and carbs. At least make it with Splenda and low-fat chocolate chips. Also, why don't you call Richard back? He's so fond of you, and so what if he was a little boring on the first date? He was probably nervous. He's a nice guy and he's got a good job, and it's not like you've got men lined up around the block, no offense. Would it kill you to just meet him again for a cup of coffee and see if you might like him a little more? I hear he's been rock climbing. Maybe you guys could go together. I hate to see you always showing up alone at weddings. Give him a call. I told him you would. Okay, that's it. I've said my piece. I'll shut up now and you do what you want with your life.

Much love, David ...

Dear David: I have a chronic problem. I'm always dropping things, or losing things. At the bar or in my home, it doesn't matter. If there is a liquid, I usually spill it. I was wondering, what is the best way to handle this? liquid, I usually spill it. I was wondering, what is the best way to handle this?

Cory Los Angeles, CA Dear Cory: Luckily, yours is a problem that has a simple solution. Stop being a putz! Let's role-play: You're in a nice restaurant and the waiter brings you a martini. You do not put the full martini gla.s.s in the breast pocket of your blazer! This is not as suave as you think it is. Plus, there's a very good chance the martini will spill. Better bet: keep the martini on the table and carefully sip it. Same goes for bug juice and c.o.ke. Another tip: don't b.u.t.ter your honeydews. They're harder to keep a hold of, especially if you only have one hand. (Are you an amputee? Your letter didn't specify.) Keep on keeping on, Cory. I'm rooting for you, and so are all of my staff.

David ...

Dear David: Is it ethical to dispose of one pet (dead) by feeding it to another?

Yulia Strizheus Cicero, IL Dear Yulia: Yulia? That's your name? I'm not even going there, girlfriend. Anyway, regarding your question: in our family we had three ways of disposing of pets-flus.h.i.+ng (for iguanas), burying (for dogs), and a bullet to the brain (for cats). Feeding one pet to another is barbaric, medieval, and sick. But with a name like Yulia, my guess is you're some kind of dirty, scab-covered foreigner. So go ahead, knock yourself out.

With great respect, David ...

Dear David: Sometimes I like to surprise my wife and come home in the middle of the day for lunch and a ma.s.sage. But lately, when I arrive, I find her playing around in the yard with Bosco, one of the neighborhood dogs. He's a red-and-brown collie and he's friendly with everyone, but there's something about the way he licks her knee that doesn't sit right with me. What should I do?

Chris Heffernan Queens, NY Dear Chris: As awkward as it sometimes can be, the only solution is to sit down and have a heart-to-heart talk with Bosco. If he's unresponsive (as collies can tend to be-I tell you from experience), then you'll have to be proactive and structure the conversation. Give Bosco ample opportunity to tell you if he's attracted to your wife, and if so, which parts of her specifically. Be prepared: in situations like this, Bosco might not offer much more than a "ruff-ruff" or "bow-wow." Don't be discouraged by this. It could be the only way Bosco knows how to communicate. Another tactic is to talk to your wife about the situation. If she only offers you a "bow-wow," then my guess is your wife is something of a hound and should be dropped faster than a hot potato.

Much love, David ...

Dear David: I only shave every three days. Do you think this is enough, or should I do it more frequently?

Jason McKinney Denver, CO Dear Jason: There was an old middle school rhyme I used to sing that's a good rule of thumb: Shave your beard every four days b.a.l.l.s every two Your b.u.t.t is like another face And from it comes a doo.

Follow these words and you, too, can enjoy the true relations.h.i.+p that I have with G.o.d.

Keep in touch, David ...

Dear David: I get really angry whenever I watch TV. Not just at the news, but at sitcoms and dramas and pretty much everything that's on. I start screaming and throwing things at the screen and my blood pressure goes through the roof. Is this my problem or does TV owe me an apology?

Madsen Madison, WI Dear Madsen: There is an easy fix for this problem. First I'd suggest putting a tarp over the broken part of the roof, which will keep out rain and burglars (at least those without scissors). Next, mix a solution of plaster, cement, water, caulking grease, and stucco. Carefully spread this mixture across the roof-hole. To prevent your blood pressure from penetrating the roof again, I'd suggest steel reinforcements (3 5), which you can ask for at your local reinforcements depot.

Sincerely, David P.S. If you want to get less angry when watching TV in the first place, try watching higher-numbered channels. I'm particularly partial to 359, 435, and 436.

P.P.S. Your TV does not "owe" you an apology or "owe" you anything. He must choose choose to apologize on his own, or what's it worth? Please tell him I'd be willing to do a phone session with him. to apologize on his own, or what's it worth? Please tell him I'd be willing to do a phone session with him.

Dear David: How long should you fight to save your marriage before you admit that you're really in love with alimony?

Madison K.

Austin, TX Dear Madison: Five weeks.

Best, David ...

Dear David: I'm willing to cook at home as long as what I cook doesn't resemble a dead animal. But I hate doing dishes, and I especially hate the smell that wafts up from a stack of dirty dishes overflowing from the sink onto the counter. What do you recommend?

Christy Danbury, CT Dear Christy: No one enjoys doing dishes. It's one of those universally hated tasks that we all have to deal with, especially folks like you and I who have an ongoing (if nonexclusive) love affair with the art of haute cuisine. It's basically a four-step process: 1. Cook (preferably something Thai or SoCal-LoCarb).

2. Eat (slowly-put your BlackBerry away!).

3. Relax, digest, enjoy a good s.e.x pamphlet or take a crack at solving the Rubik's Snake.

4. Have the cleaning woman do the dishes.

Good luck, David ADDENDUM: Since this article was first published, I've received numerous inquiries from aspiring stay-at-home cooks who claim not to employ a cleaning woman, and/or whose cleaning woman doesn't work after dinner. First of all, are you joking? If you are not, then I'd suggest having your cleaning man do the dishes. If you have neither, then I think you have much bigger problems than a sinkful of dishes (e.g., dirty sheets). Since this article was first published, I've received numerous inquiries from aspiring stay-at-home cooks who claim not to employ a cleaning woman, and/or whose cleaning woman doesn't work after dinner. First of all, are you joking? If you are not, then I'd suggest having your cleaning man do the dishes. If you have neither, then I think you have much bigger problems than a sinkful of dishes (e.g., dirty sheets).

Rainn Wilson Dear Rainn: I woke up this morning to find a mushroom growing out of my carpet. Should I call the landlord or just eat it?

Christine Ramos Buffalo, NY Dear Christine: A mushroom is a fungus. When we visit zoos or botanical gardens and mushrooms are featured, the t.i.tle of the exhibition always is "There's a Fungus Among Us!" Write the landlord a letter with that phrase t.i.tle and he'll knowingly nod and take care of the situation.

Sidebar: contrary to popular mythology, all all mushrooms are edible and actually quite nutritious, so feel free to pop that fuzzy sucker in your pie hole! mushrooms are edible and actually quite nutritious, so feel free to pop that fuzzy sucker in your pie hole!

Rainn ...

Dear Rainn: I have a crush on a girl I had a dream about last night. I don't think she even exists. How can I get in touch with her? She's the one for me!

C. Williamson New York, NY Dear C.: Funny you should ask. I have created an all-purpose Web portal for interactions such as yours. It's called Dreamconnect.com. Simply describe your literal "dream" girl, and an e-mail blast will be sent out to our database of over eighty thousand girls who have enrolled on our site because they feel that they have been or will be "dreamed of." Our powerful search engine will match you to a selection of these "dream girls," and for $490 you will be able to contact what is sure to be the love of your life!

Note: most of our "dream girls" don't speak English, only Bulgarian, so good luck with that!

Also: I love the name Williamson. It's so simple. Son of William. Somewhere back in the old country there was a man named William and that man was your father.

Rainn ...

Dear Rainn: Is it okay to fart in yoga cla.s.s?

Karen Thurn San Jose, CA Dear Karen: According to Dave Finster of Science on the Stairs Science on the Stairs, when you fart, small molecules of fecal matter, methane, and intestinal tissue are disbursed into the air. When you fart in yoga cla.s.s, what better way for people to get to know you than to breathe in your fecal molecules and embed them into their lungs? You will literally merge with your cla.s.s and bring your souls together! Best to announce it first, though, so your cla.s.smates can begin their Pranayama techniques and link their mind, body, and spirit with your atmospheric fecal bounty. techniques and link their mind, body, and spirit with your atmospheric fecal bounty.

Rainn ...

Dear Rainn: I just got dumped by my s.h.i.+tty boyfriend who works with me. How do I get him fired and steal all of his friends and leave him in a watery grave while still maintaining a devil-may-care att.i.tude? Also, please advise on revenge tactics.

Amanda Long Beach, CA Dear Amanda: Press a knife into the center of his eye. It will go into his brain. See how far it can go. Make a tuxedo from his blood. Dance like you've never danced before. Take a tour of a museum that you've never been to before, like the Gene Autry Museum or the Museum of Fog. Watch Inspector Gadget 2: Gadget Meets His Match Inspector Gadget 2: Gadget Meets His Match, starring French Stewart. Make something besides pesto from pine nuts and then ...

I'm sorry, what was the question?

Rainn ...

Dear Rainn: Is the Iraq War still going on? I keep forgetting.

Miriam Brooks Fort Wayne, IN Dear Miriam: The war is indeed over and peace has been restored to the land. As a matter of fact, I've established the first Iraq scenic peace tours for concerned liberals. Just sign in at FertileCrescentTours.com and check out our guided walking tours of Fallujah and Mosul. We have amphibious duck boat tours of Ramadi that take you up and down the Tigris-Euphrates. (History's "Fertile Crescent" from history cla.s.s!) Camp out under the stars in the glorious Anbar Province and take in the fresh sea air at the port of Basra. Tours start at nine thousand euros; sign up today!

Rainn ...

Dear Rainn: What is the best way to get rid of a ghoul that lives in your home? I think I've got one and it's totally f.u.c.king rude.

Cecile Fort Worth, TX Dear Cecile: Ghoul catching instructions: 1. One large wooden box covered in religious symbology.

2. Place box on bed in bedroom. (Preferably child's bed.) 3. One stick (10 inches).

4. Prop up one end of said box with stick.

5. One string (10 feet).

6. Tie string to that stick.

7. Human baby blood (1 pint).

8. Pan or tub.

9. Place baby blood in said pan or tub.

10. Place pan or tub under box.

11. Hide in the closet and keep the other end of the string taut in your hand.

12. Peer through keyhole. When the ghoul starts to lap up the human baby blood, simply tug on the string, causing the stick to fall and the ghoul to be captured in the box!

13. Set fire to box and ghoul.

You're welcome.

Rainn

Lizz Winstead Dear Lizz: What happens when you throw a green rock into the Red Sea?

Esther Decatur, IN Dear Esther: Like all rock throwing in the region, it will be greeted with Israeli rocket fire and sanctions.

Lizz ...

Dear Lizz: I hate my neighbors. How can I pa.s.sive-aggressively let them know how I feel?

Annoyed in Akron Dear Annoyed: Here's a great pa.s.sive-aggressive technique I have always had luck with. Invite them to dinner, and while you are reminding them that you had asked for a Merlot but the Pinot Noir they brought will probably be okay, let the husband know you would have to drink three bottles of it before you could even think of having s.e.x with his wife.

If that doesn't work, burn down their garage.

Lizz ...

Dear Lizz: Do you know the origin of the phrase "head over heels"? My personal experience has taught me that most of our heads are usually over our heels, unless we are grotesquely deformed. So to say I am "head-over-heels in love" is basically like saying I am "hands-at-the-end-of-arms in love." Riiiiiiight?

Hannah Pantone Salem, OR ...

Dear Hannah: The origin of the phrase actually came from the era in our evolutionary process when Jesus rode dinosaurs, and the s.h.i.+nbone and foot grew out of the upper base of the skull. This is Science 101. So, Hannah, you are not "riiiiiiiiight."

Lizz ...

Dear Lizz: Sometimes, late at night, I'll sneak to the computer while my girlfriend is asleep and browse the army recruitment website. Should I set aside my beliefs against harming others, put my career plans on hold for three years, and risk the mind-f.u.c.k that comes with killing another human being? Somebody has to do it, right?

Morally Foggy in Northern California Dear Foggy: So many people don't explore their pa.s.sion for bloodl.u.s.t and sit back while others go for their dream of nurturing their inner killing machine. Harming others is fun. If they are stupid enough to let themselves be harmed, whose fault is it really?

So I say, "Go for it!" You've only got one chance on this earth. But when you go sign up, if you are gay in any way, do not mention it! do not mention it! K? K?

Lizz ...

Dear Lizz: I'm interested in finding a new job in this s.h.i.+tty economy. Can you advise me which field to look for work in? I am good at nothing.

Kevin Albert Oshkosh, WI Dear Kevin: I would recommend looking into opportunities in cable news or at the meatball bar at IKEA.

Lizz ...

Dear Lizz: Whatever happened to skorts and slap bracelets? They were so cool.

Missing the good ol' days Chicago, IL Dear Missing: Like all fas.h.i.+on trends that combine two cute garments into one hideous one, the skort was pushed into fas.h.i.+on oblivion by its newer cousin the "shant," the short/pant. And the shant is already in fas.h.i.+on's rearview mirror as trendsetters everywhere are sporting the "sk.u.mp," the skirt/pump, and the "trong," the trouser/thong.

As for the slap bracelet, I think you can read about where it ended up in paragraphs twelve and thirteen of the torture memos.

Lizz ...

Dear Lizz: Which perfume is more likely to get me laid? Floral or food flavored?

Marianne Kuban Fayetteville, AR Dear Marianne: Try to find a scent that combines both, like a Cool Ranch Patchouli.

Lizz

The Horrible People Aziz Ansari can be seen in the NBC series can be seen in the NBC series Parks and Recreation Parks and Recreation, as well as movies such as Funny People; I Love You, Man; Funny People; I Love You, Man; and and Observe and Report Observe and Report. He's also one-third of MTV's. .h.i.t sketch comedy series Human Giant Human Giant.

Judd Apatow wrote and directed the films wrote and directed the films Knocked Up Knocked Up and and Funny People Funny People and was the cowriter and director of and was the cowriter and director of The 40-Year-Old Virgin The 40-Year-Old Virgin. He was also the executive producer of the television series Freaks and Geeks Freaks and Geeks.

Fred Armisen is, among other things, a repertory cast member on is, among other things, a repertory cast member on Sat.u.r.day Night Live Sat.u.r.day Night Live. This may not still be true when you're reading this. Welcome to the future!

Maria Bamford stars in her own Web sitcom on stars in her own Web sitcom on SuperDeluxe.com and in Comedy Central's and in Comedy Central's Comedians of Comedy Comedians of Comedy. Her other appearances include Late Night with Conan O'Brien, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno Late Night with Conan O'Brien, The Tonight Show with Jay Leno, and Comedy Central Presents ... Maria Bamford Comedy Central Presents ... Maria Bamford.

Todd Barry is a stand-up comedian who occasionally acts. He played Mickey Rourke's mean boss in is a stand-up comedian who occasionally acts. He played Mickey Rourke's mean boss in The Wrestler The Wrestler and the annoying bongo player on and the annoying bongo player on Flight of the Conchords Flight of the Conchords. He's done stand-up on The Late Show with David Letterman The Late Show with David Letterman and and Late Night with Conan O'Brien Late Night with Conan O'Brien, and in two Comedy Central specials.

Samantha Bee is the Most Senior Correspondent at is the Most Senior Correspondent at The Daily Show with Jon Stewart The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. She enjoys unicorn-themed collectibles and watching kittens play with b.a.l.l.s of yarn.

Michael Ian Black and Michael Showalter are former and current members of the comedy troupes The State and Stella, performers in the cult movie are former and current members of the comedy troupes The State and Stella, performers in the cult movie Wet Hot American Summer Wet Hot American Summer (which Showalter also cowrote), and begrudging costars of the Comedy Central series (which Showalter also cowrote), and begrudging costars of the Comedy Central series Michael & Michael Have Issues Michael & Michael Have Issues.

Andy Borowitz is a writer and comedian whose work appears in is a writer and comedian whose work appears in The New Yorker, The New York Times The New Yorker, The New York Times, and at his award-winning humor site, BorowitzReport.com.