Tangled Series: Tied Part 7

"It's not his fault his mother's a wack job and his father's a victim of reverse spousal abuse."

Matthew adds his pathetic two cents: "I like the name Rain."

So sad.

I sneer, "No, you don't." I point to my temple. "That's the brainwas.h.i.+ng talking. She's got you under her evil spell. You've been t.w.a.t-notized by the golden watch between Dee's legs."

If I slap him hard enough, think he'll snap out of it?

Delores doesn't take it lying down. "Brainwashed? Look who's talking. James is your golden watch. I swear sometimes that's the only thing keeping Kate with you."

A few years ago that comment would have bothered me. Not anymore. "Please. We all know it's my d.i.c.k that's keeping her with me. And that's not going anywhere anytime soon, so I'm really not worried."

Before Dee can retaliate, the front door slams open with a bang, and the blur of an eight-year-old, light-haired boy comes barreling through the living room. He gives my sister a crooked grin. "Hi, Mrs. R."

Alexandra smiles. "Hi, Johnny." Then she turns toward our parents. "Mom, Dad, you remember Johnny Fitzgerald from downstairs? He's kindly offered his services this weekend to help keep the little ones entertained."

Johnny Fitzgerald. Sound familiar? Think back, way back.

I'll give you a minute to flex the old memory.

Remember the foolish, misguided preschooler who told Mackenzie that p.e.n.i.ses were better than baginas, a lifetime ago? Yep-that Johnny Fitzgerald.

He lives one floor down. Ever since preschool, he and Mackenzie have been connected at the hip. His dad's an old-money a.s.shole-his mom's a functioning alcoholic. Alexandra has him over as often as possible so he can gain exposure to a normal family unit.

Mackenzie pokes her finger at Johnny. "You can help-but you have to do what I say. I'm in charge."

I throw a smirk my sister's way. "Boy, does that sound familiar."

On cue, James squawks from the corner. "Mine! Is mine!"

Alexandra lifts an eyebrow. "So does that. Must be genetic."

Then Mackenzie and Johnny's newest battle of the s.e.xes begins. "Hold on a second, Kenzie," he says. "I should be in charge. I'm a boy and they're boys."

"So?"

"So, I can show them how to do things you can't."

My niece's hands fall to her hips, imitating my sister's stance perfectly. Talk about genetics. "Like what?"

"I can show them to throw a baseball."

"So can I."

"I can play cars with them."

Mackenzie scoffs, "So can I."

Johnny goes in for the kill. "I can show them how to pee standing up."

There's a heavy pause. Mackenzie frowns.

Johnny starts to think he's won. So young, so dumb.

Until Mackenzie smiles. Triumphantly. "They wear diapers-they don't use the toilet yet."

Johnny lowers his head in submission. Might as well get used to it now, kid. "Okay-you can be in charge."

Mackenzie smiles wider. Then she taps her fingers together, not unlike Mr. Burns from The Simpsons. "Excellent."

Chapter 4.

Ten minutes later, Jack O'Shay shows up. He's wearing a smart, light blue b.u.t.ton-down and casual slacks. His red hair is cut short and gelled within an inch of its life. Jack's the last of my single friends. The lone wolf. A desperado. He's still living the life I always thought I'd have. Spontaneous. Irresponsible. Uninhibited. He takes great pleasure in ragging on us about all the great nights-and wild s.n.a.t.c.h-we're missing out on.

Not going to lie; I get a kick out of his stories-because I remember how much fun a random hookup can be. But I wouldn't trade places with him in a million years. The gra.s.s doesn't get any greener then Kate Brooks.

We're all gathered in the kitchen now, where my mom and sister have laid out a continental breakfast. Jack chews on a fresh-baked croissant and chats with my mother. "You're looking lovely as always, Mrs. Evans."

She giggles like a cheerleader talking to the star quarterback. Ewww. "Thank you, Jack. That's sweet of you to say."

"Just being honest. Now tell me-how often do you get mistaken for the nanny when you're out with these little guys? 'Cause there's no way anyone would believe you're a grandma."

It sounds like he's coming on to my mom, but he's not. When you're a player, this is just how you talk-to all women. Remember that the next time some hotshot is dazzling you with his verbal diarrhea. You're not special-he doesn't mean it. It's just his nature.

My father doesn't seem to appreciate this fact, however. See how he moves closer to my mom? How he scowls in Jack's direction? "Don't talk to my wife, O'Shay."

Jack instantly sobers and steps back. "Yes, sir."

"Don't look at her, either."

"No, sir."

My old man may be getting on in years, but he still knows he's at the top of the food chain. The last thing Jack wants is to get chewed up and spit out. He segues the conversation toward something safer.

"So, Mr. Evans, you're not coming with us this weekend?"

My dad shakes his head, and his tone is filled with regret. And longing. "No, not this time. Though I wish I could go with you boys. So much."

My mother's head whips around. "Oh, really, John?"

He coughs. And clears his throat. "Yes . . . well . . . you know . . . for the sports betting. You know how I enjoy sports betting, Anne. And we don't have that . . . here . . . in New York."

Nice save, Pops. Nice save.

My mother nods skeptically. "Uh-huh."

At which point the old man deflects my mother's negative attention toward a more obvious target. Which would be me, of course.

"You boys have fun this weekend, but be safe. Remember the last time we were in Vegas, Andrew? Let's not have a repeat."

When I was seventeen, my father had business in Vegas. He and my mother thought it would just be a wonderful idea to make a family trip out of it. But I was seventeen. A time in a guy's life when he doesn't even want to admit that he knows his family-let alone spend time with them. So, while my parents, Alexandra, and Steven were off visiting the Hoover Dam, I was forced to occupy myself with other . . . activities.

"I've said it a thousand times, Dad-I didn't know she was the amba.s.sador's daughter." They should make them wear dog tags or tattoos on their foreheads or something. I roll my eyes and say to no one in particular, "One international incident and they never let you forget it."

Kate appears at my side. Her gorgeous face is contemplative, digesting what she has just heard. "Do I want to know?"

Don't even have to think about this one. "It's probably best if you don't."

She nods. "Good enough for me."

Next to arrive is Erin Burrows. She's still my secretary, but in the last two years she's become much more. At times my schedule is so packed, Kate talks to Erin more than she talks to me. At other times, when clients want both members of the dynamic duo at the conference table, Erin takes over James duty. Even though she's technically an employee, Erin calls it like it is. In other words, she's a friend. One of the gang. And cool to hang out with. So when this soiree was slapped together, Kate and I couldn't imagine not inviting her to come along.

After greeting James, Erin joins the rest of us near the kitchen table. She's changed her hair. It's shorter, straight, and has tasteful honey-colored streaks.

Kate approves. "Your hair looks great, Erin."

She fingers her tresses. "Thanks. I had it done yesterday. I'm pulling out all the stops-this is my weekend to meet Mr. Right. New York men are hopelessly defective. I think Nevada will offer more suitable options."

Erin dates a lot, but as far as I know, she's never been in a serious relations.h.i.+p. Las Vegas isn't exactly the smartest place to find a stellar boyfriend, however. Might as well try your luck at AA or Gamblers Anonymous.

s.e.x-addict meetings are always a safe bet.

Steven wanders over. "Take my advice, Erin-stay single. Life is less complicated that way."

Alexandra flinches. Even though he's one of my oldest, dearest friends, I have the urge to reach into his mouth and rip out his tongue. That's not wrong, is it?

I let it go. For now.

Matthew offers sagely, "Keep your head up, Erin-it'll happen. When the time is right, when you least expect it."

"Yeah-I'm staying optimistic. You have to kiss a lot of frogs before you find a prince."

Alexandra responds, "They're all frogs, Erin. Just try and find one with the least amount of warts."