Let Me: Let Me Fall Part 18

"No." She smiled her warm, genuine smile. "I guess I'm just surprised and I guess I've always held out hope. It's like, I'll never have a chance with Will again but I feel like you still have a chance with Carolyn."

I leaned over and kissed her cheek. I felt so G.o.dd.a.m.ned bad whenever she brought up Will's name. "I don't believe that anymore, Tori. Three years is a long f.u.c.king time."

"It is a long time. It's just..." Her eyes got that playful sparkle back.

"What?"

"It's nothing," she said, but a laugh escaped her before she turned away.

"Holy s.h.i.+t, Tori. Start talking before I scream out loud that there's a c.o.c.kroach in my coffee cup."

"You wouldn't!"

"Oh, I would," I said, nodding my head, rising slowly up out of my seat.

"Okay! It's just that last weekend I was witness to Carolyn losing her s.h.i.+t when one of your old f.u.c.k buddies brought your name up. Carolyn was jealous as all h.e.l.l."

"One of my what?"

"Beth Peterman? Ring a bell? She's a little...mature, no? And a lot married?"

"Where did you see Beth?"

"So it's true!" she exclaimed, wide-eyed.

"It was a long time ago. I haven't seen Beth in a few years."

"Wow," she said, shaking her head, looking away from me.

"You still haven't answered the question, Tori. Where did you see her and how did my name even come up?"

Tori rolled her eyes. "Mrs. Peterman volunteers for the Briarwood Gala. She was at Carolyn's house last weekend. And she brought your name up. It was kinda creepy, Jeremy."

I shrugged. "I don't know what to say."

"She didn't come out and say it but she implied you and her were more than friends. It was gross. She licked her lips and then said you were a great guy. I thought Carolyn was gonna claw her eyes out."

There was a part of me that seriously doubted Carolyn was jealous, even though I hoped that she was. Kind of served her right. Did she expect me to be waiting on her for three years? Waiting for her to decide that I was worthy of her time? Carolyn thinking that I couldn't or wouldn't move on and be with someone else burned me. It made me almost look forward to my date tonight.

Almost...not quite.

We were meeting at Red's, a local bar and burger joint with pool tables and a relaxed vibe. I balked when Frank had suggested venturing to Manhattan to check out some comedy club in the Village. I told him I didn't want to be trapped for six hours in case this was a bust.

I was there first and took one of the few available booths. The waitress came over and was making small talk with me when I saw Frank come in waving, with Sadie and her friend trailing behind. The waitress moved aside and gave them all a welcoming smile. I noticed that Sadie and her friend both immediately narrowed their eyes at her. So it was going to be like that, huh?

Sadie leaned over and kissed my cheek, whispering, "Kenzie," in my ear. Thanks for the save, I was thinking as I smiled back at her. I stood up and introduced myself. "Hi, Kenzie, I'm Jeremy."

I had offered her my hand but Kenzie came right in for the hug and kiss on the cheek. "It's so great to finally meet you. Frank and Sadie are always talking you up to me."

She was pretty. She had long brown hair, blue eyes and a friendly smile. Not a lot of make-up, I liked that, but Kenzie dressed in a way that left nothing to the imagination. I had nearly a full view of her b.r.e.a.s.t.s peeking out of her low cut top every time she s.h.i.+fted her body towards me, which she did every time she asked a question or answered one of mine.

There was something the matter with me. Even after the second pitcher of beer was drained, the girls were laughing and flirty, and we'd all moved onto pool, I just could not muster anything for this very attractive, very willing girl.

It all felt so contrived. Being set up, the forced getting-to-know-you questions, the coy, flirty glances, and now the whole I'm a girly-girl who can't shoot pool so I need you to show me act? At a certain point of the night I was close to rolling my eyes. Kenzie's a.s.s was practically on display for me as she leaned over the table in her short skirt, giggling as she struggled with the pool cue. Begging for that movie scene bulls.h.i.+t where I bend over her, lining the cue stick up to the ball, pressing my d.i.c.k into her backside in the process. f.u.c.k that. I checked my watch when she looked over her shoulder a second time, beckoning me. I looked to Frank and asked quietly, "Hey, I'm gonna head out. Can you drop her at home?"

"Nope," he answered, taking a long pull off his beer.

I took a deep breath. "You set this up. You're gonna act like a little b.i.t.c.h just because I don't want to, what...drop to one knee and propose to Sadie's friend?"

"No. It's just that you agreed to come. The girl was excited to meet you, got all dolled up and seems to really like you. If you're not planning on seeing her again, then I'd say you owe her the courtesy of telling her that yourself. That's all I'm saying."

He had a point.

"Kenzie, I've gotta work tomorrow. Can I take you home or would you like to hang out and catch a ride home with Sadie and Frank?"

I looked back towards Frank as I said that and noticed that he was now in a full lip lock with Sadie. I'm sure that was his way of flipping me off.

"I think I'll head home with you," Kenzie said, laughing nervously as she locked eyes on the loving couple. "You work on Sat.u.r.days?" she asked skeptically.

"Most of the time, yeah."

"Sadie said you owned your own business. I guess you've got to be there if you're in charge, huh?"

"Yeah. I don't mind it, though. I like being busy," I said as I opened the door for her and we made our way through the parking lot.

"I'm about a half-hour drive from here. Is that all right?"

"It's no problem."

We made more small talk for the first five minutes and then the conversation lagged. She seemed uncomfortable with the silence, so she'd punctuate it with questions every few seconds. "Where are you working tomorrow?"

"New Haven."

"Oh."

A minute later, she asked, "So do you have any brothers or sisters?"

"No, only child. What about you?"

"One sister."

I felt like a s.h.i.+t. I never should have agreed to go out with her. I had no interest but still, she didn't deserve my indifference. "Look, Kenzie, I shouldn't have wasted your time. I'm not really looking for a relations.h.i.+p right now. I'm tied up with work all the time and..." I was struggling to make sense of it but I couldn't.

Kenzie reached over and put her hand on my hand that was rested on the gear s.h.i.+ft. She swallowed nervously and said, "I know what you went through, Jeremy. Sadie told me everything. You lost some good friends and then you also lost a girl you were really serious about. I know how that feels."

She dropped her hand from mine and then her gaze s.h.i.+fted away, out the pa.s.senger side window. "My boyfriend, my high school sweetheart," she said, a smile of fond remembrance creeping up, "was everything to me. We started dating when I was sixteen. He was two years older. He enlisted as soon as he graduated from high school. I thought I'd die being separated from him, Jeremy," she said, shaking her head, smiling wistfully again. I took her hand then, wanting to comfort her, having some idea of where this story was going. "He wanted to go to college but we didn't come from the kind of town where your parents made enough money to bounce you right into the university of your dreams right outta high school...know what I mean? The plan was: Marines, marriage, college, kids. In that order."

I was pulling up to the address she'd plugged into the truck's GPS. The apartment complex looked fairly well kept but was in a somewhat gritty area on the outskirts of Bridgeport. She turned to me as I brought the car to a stop. "He was deployed to Afghanistan-didn't make it one month. Roadside bomb. He was twenty years old."

"Kenzie, that's awful. I really am sorry."

"When Sadie told me your story, I just felt like I was meant to cross paths with you, you know?"

"I don't know if you got the wrong impression, Kenzie, but the girl I was involved with...she's not dead. I did lose friends in a really tragic accident but I didn't lose her that way."

"I know that," she said, shaking her head apologetically. "And I don't know the whole story but it made me feel like we have something in common anyway. To lose someone is devastating. Maybe losing someone the way you did is even worse. She's alive and she's gone, whereas my Michael...I know he's really gone."

I looked out my window then, still holding this girl's hand. She's alive and she' gone. She's gone. She's gone. The words were playing on repeat in my mind, tormenting me.

"I've been alone for a long time, Jeremy. I'm not looking for a serious commitment but I think I am ready to feel something for another person again." She tugged on my hand gently and when I turned back to her, she leaned over and placed one gentle kiss on my lips. "When you feel like you're ready, Sadie has my number. I'd really like it if you called me."

She slid over the seat again, away from me, and went to open her door. I slid over some and grabbed for her hand. "Wait, Kenzie."

She turned back around and looked to me with hopeful expectation and desire in her eyes. "I don't know what I'm doing right now. I don' want to hurt you and I suspect that I'm going to be someone you regret."

Kenzie slowly turned her body and then moved across the seat and sat astride me, never taking her eyes off mine. "I'm a big girl, Jeremy. I won't break if you kiss me."

I didn't kiss her at first. I waited. There was a part of me screaming at myself to peel her off of me, put the car in drive and never look back. There was another part of me, though, the sad and f.u.c.king lonely guy, that melted at the feel of her nails sc.r.a.ping gently across the nape of my neck and heated at the feel of her soft core pressed against a part of me that was now thick and hard with l.u.s.t.

She dipped her head forward and whispered, "Make me feel something, Jeremy," before she pressed her soft lips to mine. Her barely there skirt was already scrunched up over her hips so when she pressed down onto me, there was just the satin of her underwear. She was grinding against the denim of my jeans. She wasn't shy, looking to take things slowly, or waiting on me to make the first move. She took one of my hands and placed it between us, wanting me to know she was wet. When my fingers made contact with the material, she moved her hips, inviting me to touch her. I nudged the material aside and felt her bare, smooth skin and sank two fingers into her wet folds. "Oh, yeah," she said on a whimper and then she claimed my lips feverishly, gripping the hair at the nape of my neck. I moved my fingers in and out, feeling her pleasure build as she rode my hand with more force. I was torn between wanting to stop-she deserved better than being exposed this way to me in my truck-and wanting to keep going, to have the pleasure of finis.h.i.+ng her off. I wanted this girl to feel something good. When I felt her getting closer, I nudged the fabric of her top aside and tugged one hardened nipple into my mouth as I curved my fingers inside of her to hit that spot. She bucked wildly a few times and then cried out. d.a.m.n, Kenzie was loud when she came-I'll admit it was hot. She rode her o.r.g.a.s.m out and then opened her eyes slowly, smiling at me, now suddenly bashful.

"Um, wow."

"Did I make you feel something, honey?"

Her teeth dragged over her lower lip as she nodded. "That was...wow." She kissed me again as she reached down between us and went for my belt buckle. I reached down to stop her.

"Naw, you don't have to do that. Tonight was about you."

"Fair is fair," she said, reaching down again to rub my d.i.c.k through my jeans and then licking her lips. It was meant to be seductive but it left me feeling sorry for her.

"I don't want to take you in my truck, Kenzie. You deserve a h.e.l.l of a lot better than that."

She smiled at me with awe and grat.i.tude, as if I was some sort of prince. "I'd invite you up, Jeremy, because I really want to continue this, but," she nodded her head towards the apartment building, embarra.s.sed, "I still live with my parents."

"That's cool. I live in the upstairs apartment at my dad's place. Cheap rent, right?"

"Yeah." She traced her fingers along my jaw, gazing at me. "I really like you, Jeremy."

I placed my hand over hers, stopping her. "I have to take things slowly and I can't make you any promises, Kenzie. To be honest, I think you should run like h.e.l.l from me. I don't think I can be what you need."

"I'll take my chances," she said as she slid off my lap, slowly. "Give me your phone." She threw her long hair over one shoulder and snapped a selfie, her body at an angle that put her full b.r.e.a.s.t.s on prominent display. She entered her contact information then and handed the phone back over. "The ball is in your court, Jeremy. No pressure, but I hope you'll call me."

I sat and waited until I saw she was safely inside the lobby before I drove off. I had to adjust myself several times on the drive home to alleviate that familiar, painful ache. The thought of Kenzie coming on my hand didn't have me worked up into this state. No, it was the memory of Carolyn, sitting in that same position all those years ago. Bared to me except for those little white panties, pleading with me to go further with her, to make her mine.

I wouldn't that night. I treated Carolyn like gla.s.s, like I had to be careful and go slow with her. If I had made her mine, would it all have turned out differently? Would she have trusted me? Let me know what Chase was doing to her? I bit back that old familiar anger, thinking about him threatening her, coercing her. Would she have let me in, let me take care of her? Would that act, connecting with her in that intimate way...would it have made her love for me strong enough?

Would it have made a d.a.m.n difference?

I'll never know.

"What's up?" I answered happily, always glad to see Andie's name flash across my screen.

"You know, saving the world, one learning disabled child at a time."

"I love that you're at Briarwood, Andie. How cool is that, teaching the next generation?"

"I hate to say I got lucky, because this position only opened up because Mr. Frazier had a stroke, but I do love this job. Like, I am so happy waking up every day. How many people can say they have a job like that?"

I smiled. Andie hadn't changed; she was still all that was happiness and light. Her enthusiasm was infectious. "How's Mateo?"

"Awesome."

"Glad to hear it."

"Oh, he's angling for an invite up to Killington this winter. Just warning you."

I had gotten a place last winter, splitting the cost with my dad. It was nothing fancy, but it had a few extra guestrooms, a decent kitchen, a big a.s.s fireplace and a location that couldn't be beat-ski-on, ski-off. We rented it out for the Thanksgiving, Christmas and February school breaks to offset the cost, but otherwise, I tried to not miss too many weekends during the season.

"You two are always welcome. Um...you know what? On second thought," I teased, "Mateo is more than welcome but if you want to come up you have to promise that you'll at least attempt one run down the bunny hill."

"Gah! I was not made to ski. I'm a beach b.u.m. You know this about me, Jeremy!"

"Then tell Mateo I'll see him soon."

"Make you a deal. I'll bring a giant pot of my killer vegetarian chili and some of my awesome s.p.a.ce cakes...but I'm not skiing."

"It's a deal...only if you stick some meat in that chili. Oh, and plain brownies for me, Andie. My s.p.a.ce-caking days are officially over."

"You got it."

"I've actually got to head up there sometime in the next few weeks."

"Why so early?"

"Just to do some repairs and to tidy up. There's a nice sized hot tub on the deck but we couldn't use it last year. There are some wiring issues and the deck railing is kind of shot. I'm going to put in some outdoor lighting too."

"Yeah, make sure you get that hot tub running since that's where I'll be spending most of my ski weekend," she said, laughing.

"I haven't given up on you, Andie. I bet by the end of the winter me and Mateo will having you shredding up the slopes."

"Not happening. You need your very own little snow bunny to torture. And on that note...anyone special in your life, Jeremy?"

"Not at the moment."

"No worries, handsome, she's out there. You just haven't met her yet."

No, I've met her, I said to myself.