Pet Peeve Part 11

He woke as Hannah returned, female again. "Let's get the bleep away from here," she said. "This place gives me the creeps."

"Impossible! You're already a creep."

"What did you do with the key?"

"I've got it in my pack. Should we leave it here?"

"Let's keep it, just in case we should ever have to return here. We don't want to be subject to another involuntary change."

"Agreed."

They walked away from No Man's Land.

Chapter 5: Bounce.

Once they got well away from No Man's Land, they relaxed. They found a field of daisies and sat there, resting. "I thought I was afraid of nothing," Hannah said. "But I'm afraid of turning male. What a horror!"

"You look good as a barbarian lout, damsel."

She flung a pebble at the bird, which missed. It would have hit, had she wanted it to.

Goody nodded. "Likewise, only vice versa." He picked a daisy flower and sniffed it. From up close he realized that it was actually in the shape of a letter E. That was curious.

Then Hannah was hustling him out of there. "Those are daze-E's!" she said.

Goody looked around dazedly. "Like what?"

"Sniff them and you're dazed. We can't camp in that field. We'd never get organized."

He was recovering his equilibrium. "Oh. Yes."

There was a big sign at the edge of the field. Goody tried to read it, but it didn't seem to have words, just what appeared to be the beaks of a.s.sorted birds, some of which were falling off.

"Ho ho ho!" the peeve laughed.

"I must still be too dazed to focus," Goody said.

"No, you see it clearly enough. It's a billboard."

Goody groaned. "I just want a safe, peaceful place to stay the night."

Hannah pulled a bill off the board and unrolled it like paper. "What does this say?" she asked, showing it to him.

"You can't read it yourself?"

"Barbarians are illiterate."

"They are?"

"It's in the Barbarian Handbook. Not that I've read it, of course."

Goody was not at all sure of that, but let it go. "Leigh and Anne," he read. "Room and board for a good tale."

"That sounds good. Where's their house?"

"Behind the billboard," he read.

She took the paper, rolled it back into form, and plugged it back onto the board. Then they walked around the billboard. There was a neat cottage they somehow had not seen before.

They went to its door. Goody knocked. It opened to show a girl of about seventeen with a solid nice figure, cream-colored hair that fell short to her ears, and large innocent blue eyes.

"What a dizzy chick! Did her hair get caught in a bucket of sour milk?"

Oops. The parody was at it again. Goody opened his mouth.

"Oh, a goblin, a barbarian wench, and a talking bird!" the girl said. "Wonderful. Do come in. I'm Leigh. I'm sure you have a fascinating tale."

They didn't argue. They entered. Inside was another girl of similar age, with long auburn hair with copper streaks. Her body was extremely shapely, as were her features, but she seemed to be too shy to speak.

"Curves to die for," Hannah muttered. "Good thing I'm not envious."

"This is my younger twin sister Anne," Leigh said. "She does as she is told."

"I am Goody Goblin. This is Hannah Barbarian, and the bird is-"

The peeve opened its beak to say something nasty, but Anne smiled at it, lighting the room, and the bird was silent.

"A pet peeve," Goody continued, amazed. "Looking for a good home." Could this be it?

"Anne, go set the table for our guests." The girl obeyed. "We don't want a talking bird. But we'll listen to your fascinating tale tonight."

Obviously the elder, plainer twin was the boss of this establishment. Goody did not feel it was his place to argue. But had he been human, the younger twin could have made him do anything, just by smiling. She had stifled the obnoxious bird; even the peeve was unable to be peevish in the face of such loveliness.

They had just settled down to eat a delicious meal when there was a tramping sound outside. Goody was ready to jump off the high stool they had set up for him, because there was a familiar thud to it. All goblins knew and feared the sound of ogre tromps. "Anne, see what that is," Leigh snapped.

Anne, who was on her feet because she was serving, walked to the wall-and through it, disappearing.

"A bleeping ghost!" the bird said.

"No, that's her talent," Leigh said. "She can diffuse until she is ghostlike. It's handy when we want to check something without making a commotion."

Anne returned through the wall. "An ogre is coming," she said. "He says he's Rek King, going to meet his queen at the Rek King Ball."

"Well, he can't stay here," Leigh said. "We've already got company."

Hannah stood. "Ogres don't like to hear the word No," she said. "I can go out and-"

"I'll handle it," Leigh said. She walked to the door, and through it, but not in the manner of her sister. She left a person-sized hole in it, with splintered wood at the edges.

"That's her talent," Anne explained shyly. "To make herself so solid she's like a brick wall."

"So I see," Hannah said. It was becoming clear why these sisters were not concerned about abusive visitors. One was too solid to gainsay, the other too ghostlike, when they chose.

There was a crash outside, like that of a mighty acorn tree falling on a boulder, or two dragons smas.h.i.+ng in midair. Then Leigh walked back in through the door. "We collided," she said. "He changed his mind."

Goody couldn't think of what to say, so he generated a compliment. "There are qualities in the two of you to be admired."

"Thanks," Leigh said gruffly, and Anne smiled. Goody felt bathed in sparkling warmth.

After the meal, they settled down to tell their tale. Goody explained about the Finger, and his agreement to find a home for the parody. Then it was Hannah's turn.

"I'm thirty something," she said, "and life got dull. So I decided to have a really good barbarian adventure, before thinking about settling down. The wildest adventures are by those performing Services for the Good Magician, in exchange for Answers to their Questions. So I made up the stupidest question I could think of and went there."

"What question was that?" Leigh asked.

"What is the nature of ultimate reality?" she said.

"Why would a barbarian care about something like that?"

"I told you it was stupid."

"Did he give you an Answer?"

"Humfrey told me that I would know it once I completed the Service, and the Service was guarding Goody Goblin while he shopped the obnoxious bird around. So far it's been pretty good."

They continued with the story of their adventures so far, including the embarra.s.sing love spring confusion and No Man's Land. Every time the parody got ready to comment, Anne glanced at it with the hint of a smile that stifled it. The twins agreed it was a fine tale, worthy of the night's lodging.

Then it was time to sleep. "You'll use Anne's room," Leigh said. Then, before Goody could get out a protest, "She'll join me, of course." Oh.

In the morning the smashed door had been replaced, by what agency they didn't know. They had a pleasant breakfast and resumed their journey.

They spied a small boy doing something odd. His head did not seem to be quite even, but that wasn't it. He was standing by a small pond, gesturing.

"Get a load of the brat."

"Maybe he's lost," Goody said.

"I'll ask." Hannah approached the boy. "h.e.l.lo. I am Hannah Barbarian. What are you doing?"

He looked up at her. "I'm Colt Human. I'm throwing snow fakes."

"What a faker!"

"But there's no snow here."

"Snow fakes," he said. "They make people act unlike themselves. See the fish."

Goody and Hannah stared. The fish were leaving the pond and walking upright on its bank.

"How can that be?" Goody asked.

"It's my talent. See." Colt blew a small white flake toward Hannah.

A peculiar expression crossed her face and departed for parts unknown. "Oh, you dear child!" she exclaimed. She picked Colt up and half smothered him with kisses.

Goody stared. This was totally unlike the barbarian warrior. She was acting like a fond mother.

"Ooo la LA!" the parody exclaimed. "Honey Buns got sweet on the brat."

"Ugh!" Colt said. "I thought it would make you go away."

"Not till I run out of kisses." Fortunately that occurred soon, and she set the boy down.

"That's a nice talent," Goody said. "Now we must go." He managed to catch Hannah's hand and urge her away.

"Thanks," she gasped. "That was awful. Promise never to tell."

"I promise. As far as I'm concerned, you've always been a heartless warrior."

"Thank you. Now let go of my hand, or I may lose control and smooch you. The mood hasn't completely pa.s.sed."

Goody hastily let go. "I'm just glad he didn't blow that snow fake at me."

They continued along the path. "Something occurred to me," Hannah said.

"We're not making much progress on placing the peeve," he agreed, wanting to stay well clear of kissing.

"That, too. But what I was thinking was that you're supposed to have a magic talent."

"Magician Murphy said so. But I'm not sure."

"We have been exposed to just enough danger to make me think that you could use more protection."

"I do have a bag of old spells the Magician gave me."

"Oh? What kind?"

"Four spells."

She nodded. "They're good ones. Not as good as one, two, or three spells, but better than five or six spells. But they can get cranky when old. Best to invoke them only at dire need."

"That's my impression."