Pet Peeve Part 8

The tornado faded. "Are you sure? It seems too obnoxious to allow to live."

"My job is to find it a good home. I can't afford to let it get eaten."

"In that case I will let it go, against my better judgment."

"I never heard of a telepathic sucking dragon," Hannah said. "Are you from the Region of Madness?"

"No, I am part of the recent dragon immigration facilitated by the Muse of History. It seems that an affliction decimated the original dragon population, so we were asked to colonize from Dragon World. Being of alien derivation, we have qualities that are not identical to those of the locals. We are still spreading out, settling into our ecological niches, as it were. I apologize for inconveniencing you."

There was something about this creature that appealed to Goody. "We are glad to make your acquaintance."

"I shall be on my way. If you should change your mind about the availability of the peevish bird for consumption, please give me a mental call." He pointed his snout at the ground, then seemed to dive into it as if it were water. In not much more than a moment and a half he was gone, leaving solid ground behind.

"Good riddance!" the peeve called, after the dragon was safely gone.

"I didn't realize there was a dragon immigration," Goody said.

"Neither did I. But come to think of it, a couple years back I encountered fewer dragons than usual. So maybe a plague did thin them out."

"He wasn't fooling about having different qualities. Sucking in prey, tunneling through the ground-"

"And telepathic. That's not unknown in dragons, but I got the impression it is routine for his world."

They walked on. Soon they came to an archway. Above it was a decoratively curving sign: LET NO MAN ENTER THESE OUR PREMISES.

"I would not want to intrude where I am not wanted," Goody said. "We must find another route."

"Aw, go ahead, spoilsport," the peeve said, ever alert for mischief.

"It's solid p.r.i.c.kly tangle east and west," Hannah said. "I've been keeping an alert barbarian eye out. We'd have to make a long detour, and the day is getting on."

"But the sign says-"

"Technically, you're not a man. You are a male goblin. Maybe it's just human louts it doesn't want."

"I don't approve of invoking technicalities."

"Chicken! Buk buk buk BAWK!"

"Shut your beak," Hannah snapped. "We're trying to make a decision here."

"I'll help you, sour skirt." The peeve launched into the air and flew through the archway.

"Bleep!" Hannah swore, pursuing it.

Without thinking, Goody followed. As he pa.s.sed under the arch, something peculiar happened to his clothing.

Hannah stood in the path, the peeve on her shoulder. "Oops," she said.

"What a sight!" the bird said, its beady eyes staring.

"I don't understand," Goody said, trying to adjust his s.h.i.+rt, which had become uncomfortably tight across the chest.

"Let's just get you on out of here," Hannah said, hustling him back through the archway.

"It didn't work!" the peeve cried, delighted.

"What didn't work?"

"It didn't change you back," Hannah said, looking half stunned.

"Back to what? I'm still Goody Goblin, aren't I?"

"Back to a man."

Goody looked down at himself. His s.h.i.+rt bulged out with two rounded projections on his chest. His legs had thickened, especially in the upper thighs. His hair felt longer. "To a what?"

"Take off your s.h.i.+rt."

He was glad to, to alleviate the construction. Then he saw the problem: his chest was now formed into two full female b.r.e.a.s.t.s.

"Get a load of those b.o.o.bs!" the peeve cackled.

"Check your hardware."

He felt inside his trousers. There was nothing there.

He felt faint. "What-?"

"You are now a woman."

"I can't be!"

"It seems that's what the arch sign meant. Not that no man should enter, but than no man could. Because it changes genders."

"And doesn't change back!" the bird exalted.

"This can't be," he protested.

"It didn't affect me," she said. "Just you. It seems to be a one-way transformation. You will have to get used to being a girl."

"Ha ha ha ha ha!"

Goody grabbed for the peeve, but it flew up out of reach.

"Come on, I'll help you adjust. There is suitable clothing beyond the arch, maybe by no coincidence." Hannah led him back through. This time his body did not change.

She outfitted him-he might have a female body now, but he still thought of himself as male-with a small bra, panties, blouse, skirt, slippers, and a ribbon to tie back his longer hair. "You helped me be female," she murmured. "I'm returning the favor."

He winced. "Thank you." He put his backpack back on.

"Let's be sensible: if there's a no-man's-land, there must be a no-woman's-land too. We just have to find it."

Goody brightened. "That would help."

They followed the path toward wherever it was going. It seemed routine. They saw fat b.u.t.terflies and thin margarine flies, winged oblongs of yellow substance. On the ground were dull ignor-ants and excited ant-ic.i.p.ations. There was a bat flying from cookie to cookie in a cookie field, knocking them off their stems: a cookie batter. A bush by a pond was covered with ticks. Goody recognized a loon-a-tick, whose bite would cause a person to feel compelled to dive for fish. They pa.s.sed a field of candy corn, with a lady farmer made of candy. Nothing out of the ordinary.

"Maybe let's not mention my, ah, origin," Goody suggested. "I'm really not used to it."

"Agreed."

They found a campsite. A woman was there before them. "h.e.l.lo," she said. "You must be new here. I'm Hazel; my talent is to change the color of my eyes." She demonstrated as she spoke, her eyes going from hazel to blue, and back again. "Welcome to No Man's Land. You will never be bothered by a man here; it's a sanctuary."

"What c.r.a.p," the peeve said with Goody's voice.

Hazel's mouth tightened. "How's that?"

"It's the bird," Hannah said quickly. "It borrows our voices to insult people."

"Don't believe it, harridan!"

"We're looking for a good home for it," Goody said quickly. "It's a bit awkward to have around."

Hazel squinted at the peeve. "I can appreciate that. I don't think anyone here would want such a creature."

"What the bleep do you know, pooch?"

Hazel's face hardened. "Maybe you folk had better move on with your bird."

"We'll do that," Hannah agreed.

"The goblin's a boy," the peeve said.

So much for privacy; it was impossible with the bird.

"Not anymore," Hazel said. "Didn't you see the warning sign?"

"The bird flew in, and he had to follow," Hannah explained.

Hazel nodded. "Why don't you simply feed it to a nest of nickel-pedes?"

"So much for you, you vomit-faced Jezebel! No more Nice Bird! Now I'll really cuss you out!"

"We admit to being tempted," Hannah said quickly. "But our mission is to place it in a good home."

"No good home would accept such a wretch."

"This dump accepted you you, you fixed canine."

"Is there anywhere I can get turned back into a man?" Goody asked. "We'll be happy to go there immediately."

Hazel considered half a moment. It was obvious that she wanted the bird to be far away, soon. "You might try No Woman's Land. I haven't been there, of course, but I understand it has a masculizing effect."

"Not that a butch like you needs it."

"Thank you," Goody said eagerly. "Where is it?"

"Somewhere beyond here. That's all I know."

"We'll find it," Hannah said grimly.

They departed the campsite quickly. "I wonder if we could tie string around the bird's beak to keep it shut," Hannah said.

"You wouldn't dare, you hotted up battledore."

Hannah reached toward the parody, but it flew up out of the way. It was merely a gesture; she hadn't moved as fast as she could have, and in a moment the bird settled back down to perch on Goody's shoulder. Their quarrels were becoming ritualized.

A swirl of smoke formed before them. "What's aloft?"

"What's this?" Hannah asked, surprised.

The cloud solidified. "Elevate, above, buoy, build, ascend-"

"Up?" Goody asked.

"Whatever," the shape agreed crossly.

"What the bleep are you?" Hannah demanded.

"The Demoness Metria," Goody said.

A luscious female form clarified. "And who are you, goblin girl?"

"Goody Goblin in drag," the parody said.

The demoness transformed into a glowing lightbulb, and back to herself. "Of course! This is No Man's Land. Not worth the stumble."

"Worth the what?" Hannah asked.

"Loss of balance, misstep, movement, pa.s.sage, voyage-"

"Trip?"

"Whatever. There are no men to torment here, so what's the point?"

"What a nincomp.o.o.p!" Goody's voice said.

The demoness oriented on him. "How's that again, Goblin?"