After The Fall Part 15

So that was that, all I had ever wanted gone at once: fellows.h.i.+p, marriage, the support of friends or family. For a crazy instant, surveying the ruins, I had the urge to call Luke, to run back to his side. Why, I'm not sure-so I was at least left with something, maybe, even if it was only the devil I knew. He'd always been good at standing up to my family, making sure he got his way. For a second I was tempted enough to lift the phone. Then reality intervened and I replaced the receiver. I already had enough problems.

LUKE.

There's a girl at work who likes me. Well, not at work but through work, and like like isn't what it's really about. I've a fine antenna for such things, something that never atrophied during my scant few years of marriage. I don't suppose I gave it a chance, but like that reputedly durable cycling ability I wonder if such a sense ever really goes away. I can see myself at eighty, in a nursing home, knowing full well which of the female residents-or nurses, if I'm lucky-fancies me and which will be more of a challenge. People say you lose interest in that sort of thing as you get older, but I can't imagine a life without s.e.x in it somewhere, even if it is just thinking about it. isn't what it's really about. I've a fine antenna for such things, something that never atrophied during my scant few years of marriage. I don't suppose I gave it a chance, but like that reputedly durable cycling ability I wonder if such a sense ever really goes away. I can see myself at eighty, in a nursing home, knowing full well which of the female residents-or nurses, if I'm lucky-fancies me and which will be more of a challenge. People say you lose interest in that sort of thing as you get older, but I can't imagine a life without s.e.x in it somewhere, even if it is just thinking about it.

Mind you, I hadn't done more than think about it since I'd moved to Boston. Maybe it was because everyone I met was from work, and it's dangerous to get involved there, or maybe it was that I didn't have the energy for the hunt after the upheavals of moving and divorce. Still, think about it I did: the way Kate writhed when I cupped her b.u.t.tocks; Cress's small sigh as she let herself go. Some mornings I would wake up sure I was with one of them; most nights I went to sleep wis.h.i.+ng I were.

Memories, however, can take you only so far, and as winter tightened its hold on the city I needed more than those for warmth. So I guess I was ripe for the picking when the PA of a client started flirting with me over the phone. We'd never even met, but she must have liked my accent or something.... Pretty soon I was making up reasons to call her boss and hoping I wouldn't get straight through. We'd talk about her roommate, my new car, what she was wearing that day. This went on for a few weeks, with our conversations becoming less and less professional. "Would you like to hold?" she'd ask, and I'd say with a leer, "Hold what?" Pretty juvenile really, but it was as much as I was getting.

The adolescent nature of our exchanges was explained when I finally met her at a pitch to the client. As I came into the conference room there was a voice I recognized but a girl I didn't, and for a second I struggled to reconcile the two. She couldn't have been more than nineteen, twenty at the most. Theoretically I was old enough to be her father, or at least to know better than to date teenagers. She was pretty, though, in that airbrushed North American way, and throughout the meeting I kept catching her looking at me when she should have been taking notes. Once I'm sure I saw her lick her lips.

As soon as we wound up she was by my side.

"So how do you like Boston?" she asked.

"It's certainly different," I replied, d.a.m.ning with faint praise and wondering if she would be sophisticated enough to take offense. She just laughed.

"You'll love it once you get to know it better."

"Oh, yeah?" I asked, knowing where this was heading, daring her to take it there.

"Yeah," she replied, with more confidence than someone of her age should have. "Why don't I show you some spots that only the locals know about?"

I'd been in Boston going on four months by this time, but that was no reason to turn down such a generous invitation. There were always new spots to be seen.

CARY.

We made it to France and ended up staying, extending the trip a further six weeks. Things between us weren't brilliant but they were improving, certainly enough to make continuing worthwhile. Kate still had moments of impenetrable silence, and I still found myself worrying about where she was or what she was thinking while she sat opposite me on trains or at breakfast, staring into the distance, opal eyes blank. But she was also laughing more often, and as we left our hotel on our first night in Paris I'm sure she was humming softly as we crossed the Seine.

Nonetheless, I was nervous about suggesting the extra time, fearful of her rejection or disinterest. I agonized over it for an entire evening through dinner, managing to dredge up the courage to ask only minutes before she fell asleep. For a moment Kate didn't reply and I feared the chance had been lost. Then out of the warm darkness next to me I heard her sleepy voice.

"Sure. Why not?"

I suppose her response could have been more animated but I didn't care. She'd said yes-I lay awake all that night too excited to sleep, plotting where we might go, what we might do. Beside me Kate slept on. Asleep, probably uncaring. But there.

"So where do you want to go?" I asked her over breakfast the next morning.

"Today?" she asked, pouring a cup of the chocolat chaud chocolat chaud that had appeared at her elbow as soon as she had sat down. We'd been at the same hotel for four days. The waiter was obviously paying attention. "I thought we agreed on the Louvre?" that had appeared at her elbow as soon as she had sat down. We'd been at the same hotel for four days. The waiter was obviously paying attention. "I thought we agreed on the Louvre?"

"Not today. I mean in the next six weeks." Six weeks! Forty-odd days, a month and a half. I felt almost giddy with delight, and something else. Relief. It was as if I were inhaling again after months of holding my breath.

"Oh," she said, looking up almost shyly. "I wasn't sure if you were serious." For a second I panicked, but she hadn't finished. "I haven't thought about it. Do you have any ideas?"

I'd focused so completely on convincing her to say yes that I hadn't dared settle on a destination. We could go to the moon for all I cared.

"What about Egypt?" I asked, thinking on my feet. "You could see all the clay pots you like there."

"Too many terrorists, and I'm over clay pots. Besides, there's more of that sort of thing in the British Museum than Cairo and Rome put together."

"London then?"

"Too cold. And too expensive. G.o.d, I'm starving," she said, reaching for a plate of croissants almost before they had been placed on the table.

"Somewhere warm then. Turkey?"

"Maybe." She shrugged, dismembering the pastry in a spray of b.u.t.tery flakes. "But wouldn't I have to wear a veil there?"

I thought again.

"Somewhere warm and licentious then. Greece. Temples for me, beaches for you. And judging by their statuary you could probably walk around topless if you wanted to."

She looked up and smiled, then went back to licking her fingers. "No temples. We'll see what you want to in Paris, but after that we're having a vacation. G.o.d knows we need one. No churches, no museums, no galleries. I just want to lie in the sun for a very long time." Kate looked suddenly tired. Exhausted even, her face collapsing into a series of lines and shadows. For a moment I thought she might cry, but as soon as I noticed the slump it was gone, features pulled back into line with an effort. She was quiet for a moment, as if concentrating on the transformation, then finally spoke.

"Spain."

"Spain?"

She nodded. "Maybe I could work up the energy to go out for tapas now and then."

"Ole!" I replied, and we both laughed like drains, though it wasn't the slightest bit funny. I replied, and we both laughed like drains, though it wasn't the slightest bit funny.

I faxed the hospital as soon as we had finished breakfast. They weren't thrilled at my request for extra leave, but it was owed, so what could they do? Theoretically I knew I was supposed to take no more than four weeks at a time; realistically I was sure that my department respected my work too much to fire me. Still, I wouldn't have bent the rules a year ago. I managed to find a conference to attend to give my request some validity, but though I registered and paid the fee I never showed up. I don't think we even got to that city. Luckily Kate had thrown in her own job when we'd left, citing personal reasons as an excuse to evade the required month's notice. I think she told them her mother was ill or something; I didn't get involved. Let her put her duplicity to good use for once.

CRESSIDA.

Instead of settling into Michigan, I spent October watching Father die. It seems I do a lot of that: watch people die, and always from cancer. It's so often the same ... the drawn-out suffering and gently graying skin, the panic in the eyes, the putrefying breath. I found myself beginning to long for a stroke or an aneurysm, a car crash even. Anything but this prolonged decline.

I grieved for my father; of course I did. But he wasn't all I was grieving for, and the endless days of turning and toileting him, administering morphine and adjusting drips, left too much time to think. My mother hovered outside the door to what was once their bedroom as if waiting for an invitation. At least five times a day she would ask me, "How is he?" and my response was always the same: "The same." He's dying He's dying, I wanted to scream; how do you think he is? how do you think he is? Frightened, I imagined, angry and penitent and defiant. But she was frightened too, so I held my tongue. I suppose this was the first death she'd seen. Frightened, I imagined, angry and penitent and defiant. But she was frightened too, so I held my tongue. I suppose this was the first death she'd seen.

Then one day something changed. Father was deteriorating quickly and his oncologist suggested that he be moved to a hospice. I could give him drugs, but I couldn't lift him or propel him back to bed when he was agitated. He was becoming incontinent, and occasionally delirious. We tried hiring a nurse, but Father, a doctor to the end, was so contemptuous of her skills that she soon resigned. After that, Mother and I alternated nights getting up to take care of him, though at the end of the first week it was obvious to all that she wasn't up to the task either physically or psychologically. A family conference was called. Cordelia made the decision and no one dared argue.

The first time I went to the hospice to visit there was a middle-aged man bending over Father, dressed only in jeans and a T-s.h.i.+rt. Mother asked him sharply what he was doing, then was immediately apologetic when he introduced himself as the chief physician.

"It's designed to make the place more like home," he said, holding out his hand to her. "I'm Paul, Dr. Paul Mahoney. We've found that too many white coats can be a bit intimidating for both the patients and their families. Besides, it's not as if they're really necessary."

Mother twittered something about maintaining standards and hospitals being different in her day.

"Yes," he said placatingly, not at all ruffled by the criticism. "I'm sorry to have confused you, but you'll soon get to know us all."

"I wanted to introduce something similar on my own ward," I said, "so the children wouldn't be scared of the staff. But the hospital authorities wouldn't have it-said it was a security risk."

Dr. Mahoney looked at me for the first time then.

"Oh, so you're a doctor too?"

I nodded, foolishly pleased. When I mention working at a hospital most people a.s.sume I'm a nurse.

"Where are you based?"

"At the Royal Children's normally, in pediatric oncology. I'm on leave at the moment, though."

"She's been nursing her father," my mother interjected. "Heaven knows what I would have done without her. We would have ended up here a lot earlier, I suppose."

I was so stunned by this public display of grat.i.tude that I could only stare at the floor. Too many kind words might reduce me to tears.

"Good on you," said Dr. Mahoney with quiet approbation. "It's very hard to tend to someone you love, to watch them deteriorate while you stay well. Guilt, pain, anger and all that." Then he added, "I cared for my wife when she was dying of breast cancer. Luckily we didn't have children. As you'd know, it's a full-time job."

I caught him looking at my hands. My left hand specifically, the empty fourth finger. He saw me notice and smiled unapologetically. I found myself smiling back, amazed that my face still remembered how to do so.

LUKE.

Our date began with dinner at a small Italian place on Long Wharf, followed by a jazz club nearby. But really, who cares? She was sending out all the signals, and from the moment we met at the restaurant I knew where we were ultimately headed. The only question was whose place we'd end up at.

Hers, it turned out. From what I could see, it was barely a rung above student accommodation, all sticky-tape-marked walls and bikes in the hallway. For an instant I couldn't help but compare her apartment to the house I'd shared with Cressida: cla.s.sically neutral furnis.h.i.+ngs always arranged just so, the towels in the bathrooms replaced as soon as they were damp. Then the lights went out and any further interior design evaluations fled my mind. She was as ready for it as any woman I've slept with, almost pushy in the way she hauled me into her bedroom. I was more than ready too, pent-up and aching after six months' enforced celibacy. My only initial concern as her hands roamed smoothly from my chest to my groin and her impatient nipples dug into my rib cage was to make sure I lasted. Usually I'd try to spin things out, to savor the experience rather than bolting from start to finish, but it was a battle I was losing. Her fingers were on my belt, then beneath it; her mouth followed suit. As it did she guided my hand beneath her own clothes, where instead of underwear all I felt was skin, soft and damp and drawing me in like a siren. I lowered her to the carpet, pushed up her skirt and went suddenly soft.

I was mortified. This had never happened before; I had never even dreamed of it happening. I stalled for time, suddenly diverting to other techniques that I usually couldn't be less interested in with a woman spread like warm b.u.t.ter on the floor in front of me, praying desperately as I did that it would all be okay. Never before had I realized that there was such a disadvantage to being a man. If a similar thing had happened to my partner-complete and catastrophic loss of desire, along with all anatomical correlates-she could have just carried on as before and no one would be the wiser. But I licked and I probed and I manipulated and nothing happened, just a question mark where there should have been an exclamation point.

Eventually I had to give up. We were both getting cold, and I was hideously embarra.s.sed. She said all the right things-that it didn't matter, it meant nothing, we could wait awhile and try again-but it didn't help. I knew I couldn't do it. She invited me to stay the night, no doubt hoping she'd get lucky in the morning. I waited until she was asleep, then got out of there as quickly as I could. Our agency lost the campaign two weeks later and I never had to speak to her again.

The worst bit was that I didn't know why it had happened. I didn't have too much to drink; I hadn't taken drugs; I swear I wasn't thinking of my twin regrets ten thousand miles away. Maybe it was her peculiarly raised vowels or those winter-upholstered thighs, just a little too heavy for someone her age. But afterward the episode did make me think of home, and specifically Kate. I felt stupid and anxious and furious at her. What had gone on in that Boston high-rise only underlined to me how well Kate and I had been matched, how right things were between us. Yet she'd forced me into some artificial decision, refused to hold on with both hands to something unique. A year, that's all I'd asked. What's a year in the scheme of things? Worse, she'd a.s.sured me she would leave Cary, but had ended up staying with him. I wondered if she'd even told him the truth, that she chose me me, that he was just the default. She'd gotten off scot-free, the coward, while I'd paid the price for us both: impotence and exile.

Seven months of rising as reliably as yeast whenever I saw Kate, and now this. She was still comfortably ensconced in her marriage bed, while I couldn't even service a teenager. Alone that night back in my apartment I cursed both her and Cary. I hoped my ghost was with them every time they lay down together for the rest of their lives.

KATE.

We went to Spain and gradually I fell in love again. No, that's too strong. Returned to love? Accepted love? Settled for love?

The thing is, I fell in love with Luke, not Cary. Fell for the sheen and the sweat, the adrenaline of the hunt. Faltered, reeled, collapsed. There was no falling with Cary. Loving him was gradual and logical, inevitable as the path of a glacier. But Luke was a thunderclap, appearing out of a clear blue sky, soaking me to my skin, then moving on, leaving everything looking different. And post-Luke nothing was the same.

Not a day went by that I didn't think of Luke. Had the cards fallen differently, however, who's to say I wouldn't be pining for Cary in the same way? I knew now what I'd miss: his patience, his enthusiasm and easy smile. His forgiveness.

Despite my initial misgivings, I adored those months in Europe. No, adored adored is also too strong.... I enjoyed them, more with each pa.s.sing week. Cary and I stayed in some beautiful places, saw some wonderful things. Yet once we had made our peace with each other my thoughts started turning to home. I found that I longed for Melbourne's vast sky, clear blue and lucid, uncluttered by souvenirs or cathedrals. I missed our clean, straight streets, the logic of our planning. I missed Sarah. I missed understanding what people were saying; the tacit empathy that came from speaking the same language. Europe was glamorous and fascinating and exotic, and it had been good to us. But it wasn't home, and I was ready to go home. is also too strong.... I enjoyed them, more with each pa.s.sing week. Cary and I stayed in some beautiful places, saw some wonderful things. Yet once we had made our peace with each other my thoughts started turning to home. I found that I longed for Melbourne's vast sky, clear blue and lucid, uncluttered by souvenirs or cathedrals. I missed our clean, straight streets, the logic of our planning. I missed Sarah. I missed understanding what people were saying; the tacit empathy that came from speaking the same language. Europe was glamorous and fascinating and exotic, and it had been good to us. But it wasn't home, and I was ready to go home.

CARY.

We arrived home in early December, six weeks having turned into just over three months. All my leave and most of my savings had run out, but it had been a more than worthwhile investment of both. Things weren't back to normal, but they were approaching a new kind of normal. We talked; we laughed; we made love on occasion: a future had been salvaged. Admittedly, I still hadn't spoken to Kate about her affair. Somehow there had always been a reason for putting it off, though I had planned to discuss it. Why? Why? I wanted to ask her. I wanted to ask her. What was missing that you had to get from him? Was it just better or different s.e.x What was missing that you had to get from him? Was it just better or different s.e.x-I could live with that-or something more fundamental? What did he give you that I don't? And how can I be sure it won't ever happen again? The last one occupied my thoughts particularly. At the end of the day, why had she stayed with me? I hoped it was love, though neither of us had dared utter the word the whole time we were away. Had she loved Luke? I didn't even really know why they had broken up. Cressida had seen them kissing and confronted Luke, but how much longer would it have gone on if she hadn't been a witness? And where would it all have ended? The last one occupied my thoughts particularly. At the end of the day, why had she stayed with me? I hoped it was love, though neither of us had dared utter the word the whole time we were away. Had she loved Luke? I didn't even really know why they had broken up. Cressida had seen them kissing and confronted Luke, but how much longer would it have gone on if she hadn't been a witness? And where would it all have ended?

The questions formed themselves hourly to start with, then perhaps a little less frequently as our trip wore on. Yet still I didn't ask them-fearing the answers, perhaps, or reluctant to upset our fragile truce. Kate certainly didn't volunteer any information-acting, in fact, as if the whole thing had never happened. Perhaps that was the best approach. It was certainly the one I seemed to be taking.

But the strategy was shot as soon as we got home. There, amid the pile of bills and junk mail that had acc.u.mulated during our absence, was a wedding invitation from Joan and Tim. Kate glanced over my shoulder as I opened it.

"I didn't even know they were engaged," she exclaimed, then flushed. Of course she didn't. We'd been away. Why should she?

"Mmm," I replied, staring at the card, unable to meet her eyes. My heart thudded in my throat. Even seeing Tim's name rattled me. How much had he known?

"Here's the phone bill. And oh, we missed the council elections. I suppose they'll be after us now for failing to vote. Remember when Simon next door didn't vote and he had to do community service? I think he had to spend a day planting trees with people who'd held up shops and stuff. It seems a bit ridiculous, doesn't it? He said-"

"Kate," I interjected across her prattle. I recognized the symptoms-a patina of chatter to mask her unease. "Should we go?"

"I don't want to go," she said quickly. "I haven't seen Joan since ... since the trivia night, and ..." She was blus.h.i.+ng again and winding up to talk some more. I held up my hand to stop the flow.

"I didn't ask you if you wanted wanted to go. Do you think we to go. Do you think we should should go?" go?"

Kate sagged; her eyes lowered. We both realized that Luke would be there and probably Cressida as well, a.s.suming she could get back from Michigan. Of course she would be invited; Tim had always adored Cressida.

"It's up to you," she muttered, my forthright, opinionated wife, the one who had made all of our decisions with little more than a nod in my direction. Things change.

My initial reaction was to decline. Kate and Joan weren't that close anymore, so why on earth would I put myself in the situation of being in the same room as my faithless wife and her relatively recent ex-lover? Yet the more I thought about it-and I thought about it a lot, at work, in traffic, while Kate slept beside me at night-it seemed that maybe here was the answer to my questions. If she still loved Luke, if she had ever loved Luke, it would be obvious. Kate was emotionally transparent: grief, joy and anger showed up on her features like makeup. The whole time she was having the affair I'd known something was wrong, just not what. If she still wanted him it would be apparent, and I knew she wouldn't be able to resist speaking to him if there was anything left to say. I sent our acceptance.

Did I do the right thing? The wedding was slated for February, another three months away. There was still time to pull out if necessary. Did I really want to put myself through such a reminder? But reminders were evident everywhere anyway. The fault lines in the relations.h.i.+p were there for good now, acutely visible, though I hoped in time they'd fade. For a while it seemed that every time I turned on the TV or opened a book adultery was featured. Songs on the radio fantasized about it, denied it, celebrated it. The subject came up in jokes or conversation, the evening news. Not long after we returned a prominent athlete was found to have had a fling with a teammate's wife and was subsequently forced to resign. The ensuing scandal led to a whole new slew of e-mailed gags-more uncomfortable reminders. Had it always been like this? Was the whole world so obsessed with s.e.x, and forbidden s.e.x in particular, yet I had somehow failed to notice? There seemed nothing more powerful, even when meaningless.

For all we could pretend the affair hadn't happened, things, it seemed, would never be the same. Still, the baby would have changed them anyway.

LUKE.

I opened the envelope with a sense of foreboding. Tim and I had hardly spoken since I'd left for the U.S., yet here was something suspiciously thick and creamy with his handwriting on the front. It wasn't as if we'd had a falling-out, more that there just hadn't been anything to say. He didn't approve of what I'd done with Kate; that much was obvious. He didn't approve of my moving to Boston either, though I failed to see how remaining in Melbourne would have won me any points. And I didn't approve of Joan, though I'd been less up-front in conveying my emotions. It was none of my business, a lesson he would do well to learn. He drove me to the airport and we'd shaken hands. Since then we'd exchanged the odd e-mail: I'd forward the latest joke doing the rounds of North America; he'd write back and tell me about his job or Joan, as if I'd asked.

I knew they were engaged. It had happened before I left, further hastening my departure from his apartment. Through lawyers, Cress had proposed that we sell our house. We were both moving overseas at that point and neither could afford to buy the other out. I agreed without thinking about it much. It was too big for me to live in, and she was right not to want the bother of tenants and maintenance from the other side of the globe. I returned a few times before my departure to collect my designated half of the furniture and get the place ready for the auction. With both of us gone it looked vulnerable, smaller. For a minute or two I allowed myself to feel some regrets, then put them aside. I hadn't even chosen the place; had never wanted to live in the suburbs anyway. Why start tearing up about it now?

As expected, the letter contained a wedding invitation. But there was worse: Tim had attached a note, asking me to be his best man. To tell you the truth I had been planning to skip the whole event, say with deep regret that distance and work commitments, yada, yada, yada. The guest list scared me. Tim was still in touch with Cressida, so there was every chance that she'd be there, and Joan, I knew, had once been friendly with Kate. Why on earth would I fly twenty-four hours to endure that?

Yet Tim's request made a refusal difficult. I suppose I should have antic.i.p.ated it, but I'd a.s.sumed Tim's nose had been so put out of joint by my debauchery that I was no longer up for the role. Instead, it seemed that he was bravely going to put friends.h.i.+p and loyalty above my disgrace. What could I do? Tim was still my friend. He'd been best man for me; he'd given me a room when Cress threw me out. By then I would have been away for six months anyway, so it was probably time I paid my family a visit. I booked a ticket.

CRESSIDA.

The wedding invitation included Paul, for which I was grateful. I'd moved in with him only two months after we met, and not everyone was as accepting of the relations.h.i.+p. I could almost hear the whispered phrases when I returned to work or walked into a room at either of my sisters' houses: rebound, impulsive, can't cope without a man rebound, impulsive, can't cope without a man. Really, though, the decision made sense. The sale of my married home had been arranged when I thought I was taking the fellows.h.i.+p, and since my father had been moved to the hospice there was no real reason to continue living with Mother. Oh, my sisters said I'd be company for her, but she spent most of her waking hours at my father's bedside. I was no longer needed. Time to go back to my job, to find another place to live, to make a second attempt at a life of my own.

Paul was part of that. It was certainly convenient that he'd asked me to move in, but that wasn't why I had accepted. We got along well; he made me laugh, he listened, he valued my ideas. He was nineteen years older than me, but that was about our only significant difference. Perhaps best of all, he was as pa.s.sionately involved with his work as I was. He understood the late nights, the middle-of-dinner pages, the responsibility I felt for my patients. He never apologized if plans had to be changed if he was needed at the hospice, and he didn't expect me to either. I had been dreading going back to work and facing the gossip of the hospital, but found to my surprise that I was enjoying my job more than ever, feeling free to throw myself into each s.h.i.+ft without always watching the clock or wondering guiltily if I cared too much. My moving in was good for both of us. He'd been lonely since the death of his wife; I'd begun to resent my family's claim on my time. Acquiring a partner, no matter how hastily, gave me back some status in their eyes. Yes, he probably was a bona fide father figure this time, but so what? It hadn't worked out the traditional way. And it wasn't as if I had promised to marry the man. We were just living together, seeing what happened, allies as much as lovers. Matrimonial refugees, as Paul once laughingly described us. We both knew that no matter how much a commitment was meant it could still be undone. Better just to live from day to day.

My father was holding on, though just barely. Often if Paul was paged into work while we were at home together I would go in with him and spend the time in an extended paternal visit. Father was almost always cataleptic with painkillers, but that didn't matter. In many ways it was better. He asked no awkward questions about my failed marriage or the divorce settlement; he didn't sit in judgment on my career or life choices. He would have approved of Paul, I'm sure, but it was a relief not to have to seek that out.

Some days, if Paul had the time, he would help me bathe him. There was a nurse for such tasks, of course, but that didn't seem to stop him. I fell in love with Paul in these moments, my heart defenseless against the tenderness with which he shaved my fallen father or soaped his atrophying limbs. At other times Paul would help me feed him, wipe his mouth or his bottom when it was needed. Luke would never have done such a thing. He would have thought it beneath him, obscene. I replied to Tim's invitation, joyfully accepting for us both.