A Wife's Cry Chapter 3

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“Drop me off at the black gate, please.” I told the taxi driver.

I did not get off the cab right away and peered through our house from the taxi window first. The draperies still seemed untied on the full gla.s.s window, so I felt relieved. It only means that Allen has not come home from work yet. It's a good thing that I preceded him, because if he would know that I left home, he would surely slap me on the face again.

Then, I got off the taxi and went straight inside our house. I opened the curtains, washed the plates I left earlier, and then headed to the C.R. to take a bath. I really didn't want to because I felt cold, but I had to, because if Allen would notice that I was wearing my perfume, then he'd know that I went out to somewhere.

I've been sick for three days now. My fever is recurring and I also have cough. I don't want to go to the hospital for a checkup because I'm afraid I might find something out. Well, sometimes I'd feel good, sometimes I won't. This is actually an unusual feeling under the weather – maybe because I also caught a bit of rain earlier.

My eyes feel heavy and burning. I also feel so lazy to do anything and I have no appet.i.te. Sometimes, even after taking in only two spoons, I would already feel nauseous. The paracetamol has already gone ineffective on me, too. I know this is something different and I really need to consult a physician, but I'm really scared. The hospital is one of the places I don't want to visit. I can't bear to see people in pain, people struggling for life. I don't want to ask Allen to come with me either, because for sure, he will just tell me that it's only a part of my drama.

My husband acts more distant now. Since he saw Zian and I on the street, he won't talk to me anymore. Even if I walk or pa.s.s by in front of him, he still wouldn't give a d.a.m.n. He only sees me when he needs something or when his body hards up and he feels l.u.s.tful. I'm starting to think that it could be the reason why my fever has not dropped – my body is wagged out. He can't get enough of me.

I also tried a hundred times to explain to him that I had nothing to do about Zian's sudden appearance in our house last week. Still, he wouldn't listen. Instead, he chose to believe that I liked kissing Zian on the street. I don't know, but maybe he just couldn't trust me anymore. I already broke his trust and I know that. But I'm doing everything to sort things out. I've experienced much sufferings and endurance to make it up to him – are all of those still not enough?

I turned off the aircon in the room before I went to bed. Then, I covered myself with the comforter. My whole body is shaking because of the low temperature. Wearing PJs and long-sleeved top seems to be useless as the cold air inside the room synchronized with the strong wind from the outside because it's raining.

I won't be waking up if Allen didn't slam the door in the room. I forced myself to open one of my eyes and peeked at the wall clock – it's already seven o'clock in the evening. Oh! It's been hours that I fell asleep, but it didn't help. My body feels even heavier and weaker. Then, I s.h.i.+fted my eyes to my husband who was walking towards me. His forehead is wrinkled and he seems to be in a bad mood again. Uh-oh, I'm a dead meat!

I felt the cold air ran through my spine as he leaned over and pulled the blanket wrapped around me. I didn't dare to defend myself anymore. I just embraced myself to at least feel moderately warm.

“WHAT'S THIS VANESSA?! I'm tired from work, and when I get home, there's no food? You should've told me so that I have just taken dinner outside!”

It has been a long day and we have just seen each other, but sermon was what he greeted me with. I just remained silent. I turned myself away from him and buried my face onto the bed. Not now, Allen, please. I have no strength to explain. I know that he would be angry if he arrives home to an empty dinner table, but what can I do? I am really not feeling well. Moreover, I also didn't know that he will be having dinner here, because the past few days, he always goes home so late.

I felt that he sat on the edge of the bed, and then he suddenly dragged me to face him. He only gently pulled my shoulders, but it felt like I was beaten. My body was writhing in pain.

“YOU LOOK AT ME WHEN I'M TALKING TO YOU!” He yelled. I tried to open my eyes so I could see him, but I just really can't. My eyes felt heavy that they tend to shut down, so I just gave in and closed them again.

“Sorry If I didn't cook tonight. I'm really not feeling well.” I explained as I pulled the comforter and wrapped it around my body. Why am I freezing even if the air-con is already turned off? Then I heard his sarcastic laugh. “So, what's up about your drama now?”

I felt pain in my chest because of what he said. It felt like I'm just about to die because of fever, but he still managed to act like that. Why can't I just get used to it? He's always been like that. Whenever I get sick, he always thinks that I'm just making some drama. Sometimes it makes me think that, maybe, even if I'm already facing the perch, he might just clap his hands and call me the ‘best actress'. He never believes me, and that hurts. Even if I'm telling the truth, he never actually listens. It kills the sanity inside of me!

I didn't plan on giving him any response. Instead, I just held on tightly to the comforter that was wrapped around my body and pulled it up to my neck. I really felt cold that I wanted to embrace my knees just to feel slightly heated up. I also didn't hear anything from Allen anymore. It only surprised me when he suddenly touched the back of his hand to my forehead, and then to my neck. I think he's making sure I got a fever.

He got up from bed and walked out of the bedroom. I followed him with my eyes. Where would he go? It's miracle that he didn't force me to prepare food for him.

When he returned, he was carrying a small basin. He placed it on the side table, and then he sat beside me. I watched him as he dipped the small white face towel in the water and squeezed it. He a.s.sisted me to lay down properly, and then he put the soaked towel on my forehead.

I didn't know how I should react with what he did. I looked straight into his eyes even if my vision was blurry. His face looked serious, but I can sense care. I couldn't help but smile. He seemed concerned about me somehow.

“Don't look at me like that…” He said as he fixed the small white towel on my forehead. I think he noticed that I was smiling while staring at him. “This is nothing. I'm only doing this because I need my slave back.”

It's so depressing to hear those words from him, but I chose to ignore them, because I think his actions were opposed to what came out of his mouth. His benevolent self suddenly showed up. What now? Do I need to be sick in order for Allen to treat me better? I gently closed my eyes and I savoured the moment as he stroked my cheeks with his hand and pulled off some strands of my bangs on my forehead. If only he's going to be like this all night, I'm sure I'll be better tomorrow morning.

“I'll be back, Vannie. Just stay still.”

I opened my eyes when he told me he's leaving me for a while. I just watched him until he got out of the bedroom. What will he do next? I'm starting to get curious why he's being nice. Is it just because I'm sick? If that's it, I hope to always get a flu so that he will always give me this kind of treatment. Even the way he told me he's going out sounded so sweet. I hope next time, he will kiss me on my forehead. This is very unusual. I'm not used to seeing him like this.

I closed my eyes hard. I'm suddenly feeling guilty. I have done a big mistake and I'm sure that when he finds out, he'll blow a fuse again.

I met Zian earlier.

“Why didn't you follow me in New York? I've waited for you Vanessa.”

I can feel he's in the doldrums with the tone of his voice. I just bowed my head down and used the opportunity to make up an answer inside my mind while I was not looking into his eyes.

“I didn't have the chance. Allen guarded me very well.”

What I said was a lie. In fact, I had no intention of following him in New York at that time. I just told him that to make him stop bothering me.

Zian and I once agreed to fly to America when Allen finds out about our secret relations.h.i.+p. But I broke my promise. I chose to stay with my husband, not only because I realized that I really loved him, but because that's what's right. He's the one that I married, so I should choose him and not Zian.

“And you did not even call me to say you could not come?”

“I don't know your contact number.”

“That's impossible. I remember I told Leila to give it to you.”

I reached for the fork and munched the cake on my saucer. “How can I call you? You already know my situation with my husband. He almost killed me when he caught us. Do you think I can still make a call?”

Allen has been beating me, will I still be thinking about him? Furthermore, I thought he's already living his own life, because that's the last news Leila told me about him - he's already with another woman in America.

“Yeah, Leila told me everything. Allen is really a jerk! He'll pay for what he did to you, and to me.” He suddenly moved his plate and squeezed both of my hands. “Do you know what your husband did to me? He made a story and put all the blame on me. He put me to prison to a mistake I didn't do. He's an a.s.s-hole. This is what people with money do, isn't it?"

I can see his eyes fuming with anger and I can't blame him if that's how angry he was with my husband. I've heard that Allen put him in jail, but I do not know the whole story. Allen restrained me so I couldn't go to Zian's hearings. I just found out one day that he was already in jail. Though I also can't blame my husband - we've done a very huge mistake. Zian should be thankful that Allen just imprisoned him – because I know my husband, he can do more than putting him there if he wants to.

Troubled, I looked at the door of the restaurant where we currently were whenever it opened.

“Relax, Vanessa.” He said. “I told you that your husband will not see us here.” He probably felt irate as I always looked at the door every time it opened.

I leaned back on the chair and sighed, “I'm just really bothered that Allen might find out about this again.” He will beat me if he'd know that I left home to meet Zian again. I really didn't want to see him either, but Zian left me with no choice!

He blackmailed me – he told me that he'll go to our house if I won't see him. Of course, I don't want that to happen. My husband is really going to kill me if he finds out that Zian went back to our place for me again. It will be better if we'd just meet in some other place. I'd easily get past through it.

“You are scared of him now huh?” He said while holding back his laughter.

I avoided his look. “Yes, I'm afraid. And it's your fault.”

“Why are you blaming me? You also have a fault.”

“I know. And I regret it.”

He stabbed his fork onto the table. “You regret that we got caught by your husband… But what if he didn't? How do you think are we? Would we still be together?”

It took me long before I could answer. I have already made up my mind, but I can't seem to say it straightforwardly.

"I… I don't think so."

I can sense that he's about to get mad at me, but at least I said the truth. It was a huge mistake to have a relations.h.i.+p with him before while I'm married. It was a wrong move. I was longing for the love and attention from Allen, which he can't give me. And then Zian came. I didn't really love him, but I liked him because he made me feel loved.

“Liar.” He said while staring straight into my eyes. “I know that you will still be mine if your husband has not known about us."

My senses just got me to close my eyes so hard. He really can't get it. Why can't he just accept the fact that we're already over.

Everything between us is over, but he still insists that it's not. It has been a year and he has already went gone in my life, as well as in my mind. I've started to live my life for Allen and only him. And now that he came back, he's just ruining everything again.

“Vanessa.”

I came back to reality when I heard my husband's impatient voice. As I reminisced what Zian and I talked about earlier, I didn't notice that Allen was already standing beside me.

“Uhm, have you been standing there for a long time?” I consciously asked him.

He squinted at me. “What are you thinking? My arms are already numb.”

My eyes glanced down at the silver tray he was holding. There was a bowl on it, a gla.s.s of water, and some paracetamol. I wanted to crumple my eyes just to make sure I wasn't dreaming.

Is this true? My husband brought me food? I don't know, but suddenly my lips drew a smile. It makes me look forward to being sick every day. My husband takes care of me very well – I feel so loved! Why have I experienced this only now?

Then, I s.h.i.+fted my eyes back to his face – he just showed me a bored look, and then he put down the tray on the side table. He sat beside me and took the bowl full of hot soup.

“Eat.” He commanded.

I lifted myself up and leaned on the headboard of the bed. “D-did you cook it?” I asked him while taking the bowl from his hand.

“Obviously. Are there any other people in here?” He answered sarcastically.

There he goes on being rude again, even during casual conversations with me. I chose to just ignore it. I don't want to spoil this moment. My husband rarely takes care of me.

I took one spoonful of his soup to see how it tasted, but I might have come in too quickly on eating it that my tongue scorched in the hot soup. I subconsciously let go of the spoon which startled him. He immediately took the bowl off my hands.

“Hey, what are you doing? You have to blow it first."

My eyes bulged. I don't know if I should laugh or what my reaction should be on his snappy comeback. My tongue was slightly burnt in heat, yet he still scolded me. Doesn't he really know how to express some affection?

I watched him as he took some soup from the bowl, blew it, and then put it in my mouth. I turned back and looked at his face with a hint of wonder. He avoided my look, but still, he didn't put down the spoon before me, though he still can't look directly into my eyes. He doesn't seem used to taking care of me. I can sense that he's feeling awkward by what he's doing.

“What are you looking at? Will you it eat or not?”

I deemed like a cat on hot bricks to his high-sounding voice, so I immediately sipped the soup on the spoon. Why is there a part of my heart that makes me want to forget all the beating that he gave me this moment that he's taking care of me while I'm sick? I'm bailing out too fast. Could this be a proof that I really love him?

I just watched him as he fed me. We were just quiet. The only thing I can hear was the sound of the spoon as it hit the fragile bowl when he took some soup from it. He still can't look into my eyes directly. I want to know what's inside his mind. Is he not mad at me anymore?

Then, I refused the soup when he put the spoon in front of my mouth, “It's okay. I'm already full Allen.”

I noticed that he suddenly turned his eyes down on the bowl. Perhaps, he's wondering how I got full when I have consumed not nearly a half of the soup on it yet. What can I do? My stomach really can't accept it. If I forced myself to eat, it felt like I'm going to vomit. I had no appet.i.te. At least, somehow, I have taken in a lot.

“Last one, Vannie.”

I half-smiled. Why do I find it sweet when he insisted that I should eat more? I suddenly remembered what he said earlier – this has no other meaning and that he just wants his slave back.

It's very disheartening to think that it's what he only wanted. But okay, I'd accept it for as long as he'd take care of me. I will savour this moment of being like a princess, even if I know that this would only last for a short time. Once I get well, I'm back to being a slave.

"I really can't." I answered, and then I went back to bed. I noticed that he shook his head and then put the bowl of soup back to the tray.

"Fine."

He pulled the comforter up to my neck and he made sure that no cold will sneak inside. I was stunned to what he did. But still, he just avoided my eyes again. He reached for the tray and brought it out of the room. I just watched him as he walked away.

Something's wrong with my husband today. All of his actions seem so different compared to before. All the more that I'm feeling so guilty. I'm afraid of what he can do when he finds out that I met Zian. Maybe he'll pour on me a boiling soup.

I leaned sideways and tightened my hold on the comforter. I want to feel happy with what my husband has shown me. But every time Zian will cross my mind - that he wants to be part of my life again – I want to cry because of anger. Why does his comeback make things more complicated?

“Why did you even come back?” I asked Zian fiercely.

“Wow. And now I seem like the bad guy in you and Allen's love story because I came back?”

“It's not that. What I mean is… I'm already okay and I know that Allen and I will be soon be fine.”

His eyebrows bent. “You're already okay? Well, I'm not, Vanessa! So, is that it? I expected that you and I are all good. But then after we got caught by your husband and things got rough, you just simply forgot about me? You didn't even fight for me. I don't want to overthink things, but why do I feel like you just made me a rebound?"

“Right, I didn't love you in the first place, Zian.”

I didn't hear a word from him. That was why from looking down, I lifted my head up to face him. My instinct proved me right when I saw him staring at me so furiously. I bowed my head down again. I felt guilt inside of me. I think I came in hard as nails.

“You really are a liar.” He said in gritted teeth. “You didn't love me? Then why did you do it with me?”

s.h.i.+ver ran down from my hands to my face, like a bolt of electricity. He even laid emphasis on that incident. But I knew it. I knew this would come – the day when he would knock me down about it.

“That was just a one-night stand, Zian.”

If he got surprised, I was more surprised with the words that spurted out of my mouth like a bolt from the blue. I didn't think about it well before I spitted it out. It's wrong that I said that.

I was stunned when he suddenly stroke the table loud and hard. All of the customer's attention were then diverted to us. They all deemed to be eyes on stalks. I looked at him with bulged eyes and said, “What are you doing? Don't make a scene here!”

He suddenly grabbed my hand and moved his face closer to my ear. I got gooseb.u.mps when I felt his breath on the side of my face. “Come on, Vanessa, we both know that was not just a one-night stand.” He whispered huskily in my ears. “Admit it, you liked it, too. You agreed knowing that you are already married, didn't you?”

I got awakened when suddenly, I felt that Allen laid on the bed beside me and embraced me from behind. It's good that he's already back, otherwise, what Zian and I talked about earlier will continue to run inside my head. I don't want to remember those things – the reason why our marriage went down on luck.

“Vannie?”

I felt a tingling sensation across my body. I felt the heat of Allen's breath as he whispered on my nape. He's newly bathed. I can perfectly smell the scent of his mouthwash and his favorite shower gel. I also know that he's wearing no s.h.i.+rt as I can feel the warmth of his body even if I'm covered with the comforter.

“Are you awake?” He asked.

I just nodded. I'm too lazy to speak.

“Are you feeling well already?”

I wasn't able to answer immediately. I took a feel of myself first – I'm feeling better than earlier. Him taking care of me seemed to have worked.

“Uhm. Yes, a little bit.”

“Good.” And then his soft lips suddenly kissed my nape.

I took a deep breath. He seems to be up to something again; he really doesn't care about the when and where, eh? Then I know I'm right when his mouth began to move to the side of my neck. He slowly pulled down the blanket wrapped around me as he dropped his sensual kisses from my shoulders going down. I moaned softly as I whispered his name.

Why does it seem like my body is feeling hot when I thought I'm already feeling better? He put his hand inside my s.h.i.+rt and started to stroke my breast, raring to go – and that's when I realized that I also feel like doing it.

As I turned around to face him, I saw his eyes filled with desire. He didn't hold it up any longer and he pulled my face and owned my lips. I shuddered as it felt like a bolt of electricity was sent across my body when his tongue started to play inside my mouth. I grasped his hair and pulled him closer. We do this every day, but why does he still feel so athirst of me?

He pulled my waist and lifted me over him. I stopped kissing him and sat on his core. His forehead wrinkled as he might have felt nabbed after I cut off our kiss.

I stared at his half-naked body. I can't avoid being amazed by my husband's body. His six-pack abs look very s.e.xy and his chest is so firm. He rarely goes to the gym which makes me wonder how he maintains his body so well. Then I turned my gaze onto his face. His head was up, looking at me as if he was waiting for me to do something.

“What do you want me to do?” I haltingly asked.

He laid his head down on the pillow and closed his eyes. “Satisfy me, Vanessa.”

And without second thoughts, I followed my master. I started kissing his neck… down to his chest… then I licked down his abs.

I peeked at him. His lips were slightly opened. My husband looked hot, so I felt more enthused in doing what I do. I was already biting the hem of his boxers when my cellphone suddenly rang. I froze. We stared at each other before we turned our eyes to the ringing cellphone which was just above the dresser.

I'm a bundle of nerves. Only a few people that I know would call me at this hour. Of course, it wouldn't be Allen because he's with me right now. It's also impossible that it's Leila because I know that she has a part-time job at this time. Before I could think of the next possible person, Allen has already pushed me and quickly got hold of my cellphone.

I sat down on the edge of the bed as I almost stopped breathing while waiting if he would tell me who's calling. But I did not hear anything from him aside from cursed words. His earlier sweet and charming look was worn out by dread. His hand has also already turned pale to his tight grip on my phone. I cursed myself and closed my eyes simultaneously. I already know who it is that's calling. I'm in dire straits – he already knows that I botched up.

I lifted my face up because I can sense that my tears are about to fall to the extreme apprehension I'm feeling right now. But I was surprised when he pressed the cellphone key and placed it on his ear.

Why does he have to answer it? I do not know what the person on the other line said which caused Allen's eyes to s.h.i.+ft at me, untamed. But that's not what I'm scared of - I'm more frightened seeing his closed fist trembling in anger. He looks like he wants to beat someone to the punch.

I yelled out when he suddenly threw the cellphone to my face. At the same time, he sternly pulled my hair up. My senses got me to stand up to the pain! I tried hard to remove his hand, but my strength wouldn't suffice. “Ouch! I'm hurt, Allen!”

“s.h.i.+t! You two met each other again?! How many times do I have to tell you not to leave this house?! You really have the guts to deliberately disobey me! And what do you think, that I will not find out about all of this?!”

He suddenly pushed me to the wall. With the sheer force he exerted, my shoulder struck hard. I didn't even thought of stroking it anymore even if it felt like I broke a bone, because I panicked when I saw Allen coming towards me again. His mestizo skin disappeared as his face turned red because of anger.

I hurriedly ran to the door of the room, weeping. I'm scared! He couldn't get me; he'll kill me! But because I was in so much panic and my vision was worsened by tears, I didn't know how to turn the door k.n.o.b. Why can't it open? It was too late when I noticed that the door chain above was still closed. Allen has already pulled up my hair. Then, he threw me onto the bed.

I looked around the whole room – I have nowhere to run! Grasping at straws, I took the big pillow and made it a s.h.i.+eld. But it didn't help. He pulled my feet down, so I fell onto the floor. I screamed in excruciating pain!
I fell over with my shoulder which hit the wall earlier; I think they're really fractured. I crawled away from Allen, but he caught and pulled my hair. He knelt beside me and watched me cry. “I am tired of hearing you crying, Vanessa! You forced me to do this to you!”

“S-sorry, Allen! In fact, I really didn't want to meet him — Ouch!” I shouted as he tightened his grip on my hair.

“You broke away just to meet that a.s.s-hole?” He said fiercely. “Why can't you be content with me? Why are you still chasing him?!”

“No, Allen! It's not that! We just talked.”

“And what did you talk about? Did you two reminisce the past? And what did the both of you do after reminiscing?”

“Nothing!” I said in my defense.

He moved his face closer to my ear. “Liar! What, did you have s.e.x again?”

“No! We didn't do anything else, Allen! We just talked. That's all!” I explained in between my sobs.

“Oh, bulls.h.i.+t! I thought you were sick?!"

I was silenced by his statement and couldn't answer. I know that he will notice that, too. I just cried out more loudly as I'm scared and at my wits' end. Maybe he couldn't recognize my face anymore as it's drenched with tears.

“I really thought that you can't get out of the bed because you are too weak! You weren't able to take care of me, and instead, I took care of you, when in reality, you still have the energy to get going! When it comes to me, you're dozed off. But when it comes to him, you're like a ball of fire? You are making me stupid, Vanessa!"

"No, that's not true, Allen! I'm really sick! Zian just forced me to meet with him.”

“Then why did you agree?!” He shouted relentlessly on my ear, like I was close to becoming a deaf. "Same reasons, same excuses! Are those all the reasons you can come up with, Vanessa? Last time, you said he was the one who kissed you, and now you're telling me he just forced you to see him? Bulls.h.i.+t, can't you even use your mind? You just keep on widening the mark! You already know that it's a mistake, and yet you still keep on backing the wrong horse!" He let go of his grip on my hair and walked away.

My senses got me to cover my ears when he suddenly punched the full body mirror. The pieces of the gla.s.s that shattered on the floor made a loud noise. I felt so scared, but at the same time, I was worried, too. He can't control himself again.

I tried to get up even if my shoulders felt very painful. I walked towards him. He was sitting down on the floor, gasping for breath. My eyes caught his bleeding fist. I tried to touch it, but he just boldly pushed my hands away. I can't speak. I don't know the right words to say, and so I just cried.

“I'm hurt, Vanessa.” From my head being bowed down, I suddenly lifted it up and stared at him. He has already calmed down, but I can clearly see him hurting, just like what he said.

“Was it really that important that you needed to keep it as a secret again?”

My heart suddenly felt heavy with what he said. He sounded so serious, as if he's feeling more resentful than I was – as if his plate was really so full at that time.

“I wonder what he gives you that I can't.” He continued. “Is it love? If that's it… I can give it to you, but slowly, Vanessa. You don't know how much I was hurt when I caught you two before. I'm already in the state of forgiveness… But I can't get there because you keep on fooling me.”

He suddenly turned his eyes on me, but I avoided his gaze. I can't bear to see him with teary eyes. I'm feeling guilty – my heart seems racked with pain.

Then I felt I that my fever went high again. Now I'm regretful that I met Zian earlier. I shouldn't have seen him. He has always put my life in misery.

Allen stood up and wobbly walked towards the door. He paused for a while and looked at me slightly.

“You know what, Vanessa. I just realized…

You can never satisfy me. “

I wept. It felt like all the heavens and earth fell down on me. His words doubled over the pain in my heart. The only thing that I can hear was the throbbing of my heart, as if it was coming out of my chest.

I stroked my shoulders and squeezed it a bit and I just felt that it was already swollen. I really didn't know what's the most painful – if it was my shoulder, the pain that I experienced today, or those painful words that he said.

I panicked when everything seemed to be turning out like a light…

Then everything turned black.

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