Waiting Until 35 Years Old Chapter 11-20

He had been quite resistant to his s.e.xuality. Sometimes I think that without me, he would have fallen for a girl.

He never said that he liked me, although we lived together, although we often had s.e.x, he never said this sentence. It was like if it was said, it would be recognition of his ident.i.ty.

I didn't say it to him either. Only once or twice when I wrote a letter. Felt that saying “I love you” was embarra.s.sing.

Sleep this week was at its worst.

Clearly so tired, yet lying in bed I will fall into a half-asleep and half-awake state, feeling drowsy. Occasionally I hear a loud voice, or suddenly think of him. When I remember the past, my whole body immediately wakes up and can't help thinking about things. I can't sleep anymore. I keep my eyes open until dawn.

I have tried several times to get up in the middle of the night to read or surf the Internet, and I feel tired again in less than half an hour. I lie back in bed, but I still can't fall asleep.

When I was in college, I had developed this habit of being nocturnal. My cla.s.smates all said that I was a night owl.

I have tried sleeping pills, but I don't like the feeling of waking up after taking them.

After graduation, this habit had slowly been corrected, but recently there are signs of repet.i.tion.

There was a story I heard a long time ago. Every night, a widow would spill out a hundred copper coins, and then look for them one by one. The corner of the wall, the bottom of the bed, and so on. It lasted until dawn. Knowing that it's because she was lonely, but it's only just awareness, the feeling couldn't be felt.

It is only now when I think back on this story, that I feel sorrow.

Now I am also almost in this situation. I can't sleep at night, but when I get up, I will be dazed. I don't feel particularly sad. I just don't know what to do to pa.s.s the time. Other than loneliness, he did not leave anything else behind. When thinking of it, maybe many years later, it will make people feel frightened and panicked, so there is fear. Maybe it would be impossible to persist until thirty-five years old.

In the past, in school in freshman year, living in the same dormitory, it was the most ignorant and depressing time for the two of us.

One night, in my sleep, I suddenly shouted his name loudly twice. Then I woke up and heard him answering sleepily in confusion. “Mn?”

Knowing that he was there, at that moment, I felt very at ease, turned over and went back to sleep.

When my sister was born to my nephew, she had a cesarean section. My parents and brother-in-law were beside me and sent her to the delivery room.

Later, she said to me, “At that time, I had to know that your brother-in-law was there before I could rest a.s.sured. In fact, even if he was there he can't even do anything, he's not a doctor. Yet with just one look, I wasn't as afraid anymore.”

This is what husband and wife mean to each other. With the name of husband and wife, whether with love or not, they are naturally different from others.

So I've heard many stories like this. No matter how bad a husband is to his wife, she won't divorce. Because occasionally when waking up in the night, knowing that there is a person beside her – a breathing live person – even if it is useless or bad because compared to strangers and friends, he felt much closer. Sometimes, the fact that he's there, is already deeply comforting.

So I still fear. Family and children are fetters difficult to leave. If one day, he really doesn't plan to leave her and intends to go on like this, what should I do?

Yesterday, I received an email from him. He said he missed me, said he liked me and asked me not to blame him. Earnest words, with his broken penmans.h.i.+p, this was probably the best thing he had ever written in his life.

Over and over again, I kept reading, my heart full of mixed feelings. The decision had already been made, and you say this now.

After a brief retelling to a friend, I said sadly, “Look at this man, saying he likes me, yet making me feel so sad.”

I don't blame him, really. Just, uncountable regrets and feelings.

We haven't talked about the future in depth. Many things, needless to say, are too clear. I know what kind of person he is. I know that he will definitely get married in the future. It was doomed from the beginning.

He is a sophisticated man who will not confront himself with the whole custom. If there are no eyes from the outside world, maybe we could have gone on quietly. But there will always be some gossip. The higher the position, the more attention they will receive.

He's probably been bothered with invitations recently, whether to send me one or not. Every time I think of this, I can't help laughing, thinking of how difficult he feels, and his silly face.

Several cla.s.smates that have good relations.h.i.+ps will come from other cities to attend the wedding. If they don't see me, they will ask questions. After all, everyone knows that we continued living together after graduation.

In the end, I decided not to go. He is going to marry someone else. He can't expect me to smile and say, “Congratulations, wish you a hundred years of love.” That's too cruel of a request.

T/N: Some CN readers say to read this as a story, and don't think too deeply about its reality. In a way, it'll be less painful if this story was fictional. Love is a poisonous medicine, capable of hurting yet healing at the same time. It's quite a scary thing, if you think about it.