The Writer's Romance 89 What Ifs

The calm streets, sleeping noise, lighted light-post and stop lights.

Somehow made Kady stop for a while in front of a playground to take a long stare at Sheen.

"How are you, really?" He whispers as he let himself sulk into Sheen's pale and tired face.

She groans and turns her head around as if she feels Kady's eyes tracing her face.

After taking a deep breath, he looks forward, thinking about what he should do, what position he should play in the game brought by Sheen's fiance.

He held the steering wheen and buried his face in it, letting out another heavy sigh which woke Sheen up.

"Kady?" She called and rubbed her face, she feels a little better than she woke up in Bea's room.

Kady didn't move, he can't find the reason why he is doing this or what he should do after.

Sheen stares at him, knowing that he is as lost as she is.

"Have you seen it?" Sheen asks, pertaining to the news about her and Louis.

Kady silently nods without moving his head.

"What do you think? It's funny, right?" Sheen chuckles as she looks at the playground outside the window while resting her chin on her hand.

Sheen breathes out then closed her eyes, "I just want to... Honestly, I don't know..." she said with a confused and sad voice.

Kady turns his head around to look at Sheen still resting his head on the steering wheel, curious of how Sheen minds work now, after everything.

"I walked away from everything because I don't know what is happening... because I was angry, lost, sad and lonely. Then I met someone who made me feel as whole as I felt before but..." Sheen chuckles once again, her eyes staring at the swing, wanting to feel the freedom and carefree feeling swings bring once you sway up and down.

"But?" Kady asks, feeling impatient with the long silence that Sheen brings.

"But... I don't regret going here, working here, meeting Clark or meeting other people. I grew, well, maybe stronger since I came here. But... " Sheen breathes out, short and painful, signaling that her feelings are already pilling up and ready to overflow in her eyes.

Kady rests his chin on the steering wheel and stared at the road in front of him, lost and drowning in a question, 'Is that good or bad?'

"But there are still moments where I just stare at nowhere like I am watching all the piled up, ignored thoughts in my head flow down like a river. I can't help but just pause and watch... listen to it blow up my mind. Thoughts that I can't understand."

"Like what?" Kady asks, still with his expressionless face while staring at the road.

"Like..." Sheen sighs once again and rubs her face heavily with both of her hands, "Am I happy? Like really happy? Am I just pretending to be happy because everyone around me is? Or because that is what I am expecting to feel? I mean-- I don't know, G.o.d," Sheen pulled her face with her both hands.

"Don't you feel happy when Clark's with you? Or like because of him?" Kady asks and leans on the back of the chair with his hands still holding the steering wheel like a support for their conversation, just in case he can't handle what Sheen will say.

"With Clark? Yeah... I think, I mean, yeah. He made me feel normal. He made me feel whole. He made me forget about things. Yes, I am happy with him. But... what if I'm alone? Do I have to have him with me 24/7?"

"Sheen, if your problems about your past was...uh, diluted by Clark. What's bothering you now?"

Sheen leans on the back of the chair and looks at Kady with a frown, "Me. It's my problem. I--uh, still can't find myself." Sheen cracks her knuckles, "This is not some stupid a.s.s romantic cheesy love story where I get healed just because I found the one, come on."

Kady gulps upon hearing the world 'the one' which does not pertain to him.

"I mean it became bearable since Clark did kind of lessen the weight in my head, but there's still something left. How should I put it..." Sheen unconciously put her hand on her chin and rubs it, "Maybe it's just me. I can't really describe it. I do feel lonely sometimes, I feel sad, I feel worried, I feel lost, incomplete... strange. I think I need to ask for help, don't you think?"

Sheen smiled and chuckles with the thought that she's helpless and really needs someone to fix it for her.

Kady stared at her, his face still screams empty emotion, he can't let Sheen see that somewhere in him, he feels pity for her.

"About your life with Clark, everything, the company, his sister... everything?" Kady asks since the topic earlier went broad and got caught in Sheen's webs. "What do you think about it?" Kady added with Sheen's confused look after his first question.

"Well... I knew from the start that Clark-- everything about him is messed up but still, I love him because of that, he can still work properly even though his world is total... you know, stressful. He can still say words that encourage me, he can make me smile and thankful. But getting caught in his own battlefield," Sheen closed her eyes hard and leans heavily, trying to drown herself in the car to stop the sudden migraine.

Kady closed his eyes as well, the morning is starting to rise and he hasn't closed his eyes, not even a blink of sleep visited his eyes.

"I kind of feel relieved."

Kady suddenly opens his eyes, he was expecting some 'It's hard' or 'I hate it' from Sheen, but here she is, after saying how lost and strange she feels, she said words that Kady never thought she felt.

Sheen sighs, "Maybe that's love. I mean, I am not sure if it's relief or satisfaction because if I get caught up in his mess, that means, I am part of his world, right?"

Kady shakes his head, he really can't catch up in Sheen's mind. One second it's right then it's left and suddenly you'll just find yourself floating in her words.

"What?" Sheen asks in wide eyes, thinking that she might look ridiculous in Kady's eyes.

"Don't you want to go back? Like in the beginning, the first time you saw me in the company when you thought you'll never again, Wyn suddenly appearing, claiming that you're his fiancee, Blue... well, still Blue."
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Sheen looks to the right, remembering everything about this beginning and then raised of her brows and tilted her head, "Maybe."

"Why?" Kady asks right after Sheen's reply.

"Because... it was less chaotic than these," Sheen gestures both of her hand, "At least everything made sense before, I mean, in the literal beginning since I did leave because things got complicated as well."

"No, I mean, why 'maybe' why not a plain yes or no? What... what made you unsure?"

Sheen opens the door and steps outside, "Hey," she said and bows to look at Kady, "Let's take a swing," then closed the door and walks towards the playground.

Kady sighs and followed Sheen outside.

Sheen's already swinging up and down like a kid.

Kady took the swing next to Sheen but he just sits still, staring at the dusty soil.

"Because..." Sheen started while going up and then leaning to her back as she goes down, "I am curious of things. The 'what ifs."

"What if?" Kady asks as he stretches his leg to start swinging with Sheen.

"What if I didn't run from you? What if I accepted your apology? What if I didn't break the engagement with Wyn? What if I didn't know about your plan? What if I saw Blue more than a friend? What if I was strong enough to accept everything and pretend nothing was wrong?"

Sheen's eyes are fixed in the sky, staring at the dark morning sky, feeling the cold breeze in her cheeks, from afar she can see a cold and serene song playing somewhere.

No one's walking on the sidewalk, maybe everyone's on their way to sleep or still sleeping, some may be awake now, preparing for their day but it is still very early.

Kady looks at Sheen and did what she's doing, he stared at the starry dark morning sky, there's no sign of sun rising yet, but after a few hours, this dark- black sky will be tinted with orange or red or yellow color.

"What if I didn't run away?" Kady asks with a wondering voice. He's curious if Sheen ever thought that way, like in a serious matter.

"Maybe... My relatives will make me stick with you and eventually steal from your company then your family will hate me, you will hate me," Sheen asks after a few minutes of thinking.

"What if I won't hate you? What happens next? What if I... stood up for you in front of my family?"

Sheen takes another few minutes to think, then she closed her eyes, remembering how Kady, Blue, and even Cha felt sorry for her when they were still young.

"Maybe... I..." Sheen paused, 'Maybe I am married to you know,' she thought, but she can't tell that to Kady.

For some reason, she knows, it will leave a certain emotion or thought to Kady and he'll start blaming himself for not doing his 'what if.'

"Maybe I won't work at your company. I might be working in Clark's company since day 1 then. And we'll stay friends."

Kady didn't try to dig in deeper into the idea of 'ifs' since he knew, no matter how much he tries to create a different scenario from choices he didn't--they didn't choose, will only create a hole in their hearts, something that can't be covered.

"Yeah," Kady smiled and put his leg down to stop, he takes a deep breath as he suddenly feels a chill not from the temperature but from the lack of sleep.

Sheen, slowly stops swinging as well from feeling the heaviness in her eyes and her migraine worsening.

"Can I take you home?" Kady asks and stands in front of Sheen, offering his hand.

Sheen looks up to him, with the feeling that she heard him say those words before... then she remembered, "What do you think of me? Like those filthy girls, you take home every night? After you broke my heart, is that how you see me now?" She said in a sharp voice.

Kady chuckles and puts his hand on his pockets, "May I correct myself? Can I accompany you to your home?"

Sheen smiled, "Yeah, you can since I can't ride any taxi right now or bus. I left my bag in Bea's room."

"Wow, I can't believe I got one of my what-ifs to come true. What if Sheen said yes that day? I keep asking myself," Kady said and started walking to his car.

Sheen watches Kady slowly walk, softly, she can hear his shoes press against the stones in the dusty ground of this playground.

She smiled and stands up to follow him.

'I guess, I can ask myself, what if I tell everything to Clark? About Aria, Wyn, Louis? I mean... what if I ask Luke about Aria's plan? What will he say? Is he with Aria? Isn't he Clark's friend?' Her thoughts drag her slowly.

Kady looks back while opening the door for Sheen, "Hey? You alright?"

Sheen shakes her head and ran to the car, "No worries, I'm just sleepy."

Kady closes the door as he yawns, "Same here, seems like I will only have..." Kady runs to the driver's seat, "Around three hours to sleep."

Sheen snorted and closed her eyes.

After a short travel, Sheen, and Kady stopped by the condominium.

"We're here," Kady pats Sheen to open her eyes.

"Oh, thanks," Sheen said but as she opens the door, Kady pulls her sleeve, making her look at his worried, sleepy face.

"You know that I can help you with anything, right? I won't go home until this is done. And if ever you want to go back..." Kady looks at Sheen as if he's pleading her to go back.

Sheen puts her hand over Kady's and pulled it away softly, "Yes, I know. You're always there for me. Thank you, Kady." She flashed a soft warm smile and left.