My Sister The Villainess 13 Saint-Hero Damien, Angel Extraordinaire

"WASH AWAY THE STINK OF THE NON-BELIEVERS!"

Loud, thunderous roars echoed across the battlefield while our enemies burned at the stake.

In the distance the opening song to Boku No Pico tormented those still yet unpunished. My righteous warriors, brave and mighty every single one, tea bagged the corpses of their slain foes.

They were dying in the worst ways imaginable, mocked from start to finish, cursed with eternal d.a.m.nation for their sins.

And high above them all, standing proudly atop a golden chariot bathed in blood and fire, was I. Cackling madly, enjoying their sweet and pitiful--

"Ah, she's waking up."

The realization woke me from my daydreams. I blinked, clearing the seductive thoughts from my mind. The Templar in me still raged, however, howling to be let free. I could only rein him in for now. And I did, but only barely.

"Soon, brother" I promised him."...Soon...."

That aside

"Take it easy. Don't get up yet." I told her.

The little girl looked around the room calmly until she heard my voice. She must've still been a bit dazed because she didn't show any panic at all at being in a strange place with someone she didn't know.

"I sent Minvera to pick up the food I ordered, she'll be up in a bit so you don't have to worry."

I dropped the name of someone she was familiar with so she might relax a little.

"..."

"I noticed you had some bandages on. Mind telling me why? It's a sin for a kid as lovely as you to hide it like that, you know. Unless you've met a few perverts in the past. Then I guess it's just smart."

The silence was deafening.

"They were pretty d.a.m.n filthy. Got you some new ones." I held up a long stretch of pure white cloth. "You want help putting them on or what?"

Listen kid, I like you well enough. But please stop with the glare. You're digging holes in my head, okay?

I saw her look down. Touch her cheeks. Then look up again. And the staring resumed.

"You aren't affected?" She asked strangely.

I wasn't quite sure what she meant, but I could guess. "I'm not a lolicon."

"I remember you." She ignored what I'd just said. "You helped Min."

"Min? Oh. Minnie? I mean, Minerva? Yeah, I did. Didn't think you were conscious enough for that. You're a tough cookie, ain't ya?"

I was ignored yet again. "You don't dislike her?"

"I can't believe you just said that to me. Why the heck would I? I happen to like her a lot, thank you very much. Hmph!"

Her nose wrinkled cutely."You're weird."

"Says the one with a mummy fetish. "

"What's that?"

"Ask Minnie later." I stilled, feeling a sense of deja vu. "You remind me of my sister."

Or so it seemed right now, which made the girl more endearing to me.

"Very weird." She muttered. "Angels sure are strange."

I thought I'd heard wrong. "I'm sorry. What was that then?"

"Angel." She repeated patiently. "That's what you are, right? Only an Angel would be so nice to people like us and not be affected by my curse."

Curse?

...Nope. Don't get it.

Wait. Did she mean her cuteness?

Well if she DID meet a few perverts in the past and they had to cover her up to protect her then I guess she would have that sort of misunderstanding about herself. It's possible.

Pretty sad. Little girls shouldn't have to think they were cursed or anything like that. We're going to have to fix that in the future.

"Hold on just a minute there." I held up a hand. " How do you know of my G.o.d's Right?" Such a thing was kept top secret, who leaked that info to a little girl like this? Was it Mother? It was Mother, right?

I told her I couldn't be taking on clients anymore, dammit! Did the kid overhear it from that b.i.t.c.h from before? Huh? That was it, wasn't it?

My thoughts grew quite irrational.

"Wait. I mean. No. Preposterous. Listen kind, I'm most certainly--"

"So you're awake, Evie? Great! What's all this about an Angel though? Did I hear right?" Just then Minerva walked in with two platters of food. The young woman's aura was so vibrant and cheerful it lit up the entire room.

I forgot what I was about to say. I found myself admiring her.

....All I had to do was fill her out a bit more and she'd look great in a wedding dress....

The little girl pointed my way while I was distracted.

"Is he not one?"

The question stunned the other party.

"What? Angel? Evie, don't be ridiculous. Angels don't exist for people like us."

That sentence was literally the saddest thing I've ever heard in both my lives!

"Min is a good person and has worked hard for both our sakes." Evie replied. "Look at how pretty he is. Only Angels can be that good looking and kind to people like us." What was with that logic?! " He is an Angel sent for Min, to help you. Must be." She insisted.

"No, no, like I said..." A pause. "Although it is true he does seem different from other people...and he doesn't recoil in disgust at the sight of me...plus he really is calm even in front of you..." She trailed off. "No way, are you really an Angel?"

I, Damien Claybrook, supposed Demon-King reincarnate (though I'm seriously not, okay?) and a man known far and wide as the Purple-eyed Devil, am currently being called an Angel.

And now they were both staring.

It was painful. Like, really painful.

Don't look at me with such pure, hopeful eyes, dammit!

"Yes."

I guess I'm an Angel now.

....So.

Purge?

***

"It's amazing you're able to move about so easily right now." I commented.

Evie was fully clothed, her head wrapped in bandaged once again, warm and snug as can be. She said nothing in response to my words and simply continued to sip spoonfulls of hot soup.

"It's pretty weird. It shouldn't have such a great effect." I continued. " Your natural healing ability must be pretty good to begin with."

"..."

"You were so talkative a while ago." I lamented. "What happened to that?"

"I'm sorry." She said. "I won't be a burden so please pay me no mind."

And she went silent once more.

It was frustrating but considering the tough life she had to have went through I couldn't blame her for being a bit of an introvert. She didn't look to smile often and her tone was lukewarm too.

Personally I also thought it was a bit cute. She felt like a kuudere type of loli. You really wanted to just pick her up and give her a big 'ol squeeze.

Still.

"When did I say anything about you being a burden?"

"Master Angel." Minnie quickly changed the topic. I couldn't help but cringe.

Please stop with that form of address. Really.

"Forgive my boldness but might I know what House you hail from?"

So apparently they thought I was an Angel born into the mortal world who'd been sent to aid them in their hour of need.

Also thanks to my purge talks earlier, Minnie a.s.sumed I was not just an Angel but, more specifically, a warrior Angel here to smite the wicked and guide the world back onto a proper path. And they were to be my attendants while I did so.

...Holy f.u.c.k the pressure was real!

I didn't have a problem with smiting the wicked, but how the h.e.l.l am I supposed to make the world better?! I'm not a Saint! That's the Heroine's role, alright?! She's the one with that job, not me! The Hero too, he's the one who's supposed to smite the evil Demon King!

But the Heroine won't be recognized as the Saintess until late-game when church officials take notice of her and realize her high affinity for healing magic. A type of special power so rare you're more likely to find a unicorn horn laying on the side of the road.

Sadly without an official Saint already in office these two have pushed that t.i.tle onto me!

I haven't even met the girl yet and I'm starting to dislike her more and more!

Not only that, but also the Hero's role has now somehow become mine too!

The Hero has to be, like, twelve right now or something! He's probably out there right now helping his dad sell weapons to mercenaries or fixing horseshoes or some s.h.i.+t!

That rat b.a.s.t.a.r.d is laying on his a.s.s and making me take over his workload! f.u.c.k, I hate him already!

Again, I have no problems with smiting. But like, that's only for the ones who really need a good smiting, you hear me?

What Demon King? That pansy isn't even at the level of a grade-school bully in my eyes. The truly evil and malevolent are those who have forsaken the Furry-Eared Ones!

I'm not tryna take on any other work than that.

"You'll see." I yawned. I took out a small ball from the brown bag that held my baked treats. "Evie, open your mouth."

"..." Yeah. Definitely a pretty quiet girl. She was also very obedient, however. She really is just like Dolly! They'll get along splendidly, I felt.

Without further adieu I shoved that small ball past her lips

The way her normally dully eyes sparkled was so precious I wanted to take a picture, blow it up and hang it on a wall.

"Good?"

A nod.

"More?"

"Master, you'll spoil her."

Then let me spoil her! What's it to ya, huh?!

And I wasn't fooled at all. Who is it who'd been all but drooling the moment I'd come back with the bag of goodies in the first place?

So I just popped one into her mouth too with perfect timing. One moment she was in the middle of a sentence, the next she was scarfing down a cinnamon and sugar covered ball of goodness.

"I...This....Oh my G.o.ds..." She melted. "I used to see Lord Barnabus eat them all the time, but I never imagined they'd be so...so...wow..." That's a good way to describe it, honestly. "Master, what are they called, if you don't mind me asking?"

"Cinnabon Delights." I looked away.

I recalled the former chef we had back at the Estate who quit and made a fortune off one of "my" recipes.

That weasel. See, that's why I chose Phil's dad to be the lead guy when I decided to open up a new chain of restaurants. At least he was loyal.

Why did I do that? Well dammit I need good food and restaurants make good money!

I won't even mention how much the family makes after I gave father and his merchant friend the "Shopping Mall" idea.

We had in-door plumbing and toilet paper but no one thought about something as simple as a shopping center.

I felt like if this really was treated as a real world then the concept would be brought to life eventually. What was wrong with being ahead?

I know I said I was too lazy to change s.h.i.+t. But rather than lazy, it's more a quality of life kind of thing?

I should talk to Father about convenience stores next.

I wonder if magic can make internet here a possibility too...

Ugh. Nah. Too much work.

"Truly a fitting name. They're amazing. I've never had something so delicious!" Minerva sighed contentedly.

"Your last Master had to have been paying you, right? Did you never think about buying any?" They were really popular among n.o.bles these days.

"He did. But he didn't like to see us 'waste his hard-earned money on useless luxuries'" Minnie explained."Also none of the bakeries would let me in. My hood fell off once when I snuck away and tried getting some for Evie so they chased me out. After that the other local bakers were told what I looked like and I couldn't try again."

"Right, right."

I started sharpening my knife.

It seems I'm going to be needing a broadsword soon.

I thought up a new game.

Sinners and Templars. How many can YOU decapitate?

The answer is all of them.

"Oh. But Lord Barnabus did enjoy them himself. He especially liked to eat them in front of us." She went on." I remember once that I accidentally looked up at one of his guests and he had me go without food for two days. He had me stand by as he had roasted duck for dinner on the last day, then allowed me to chew on the bones and nibble the last piece of honeyed bread he dropped on the floor. They tasted quite nice, but this is so much better! I understand why he and his family had them so often."

Minnie had no idea she'd just made a kid fatherless. Because Imma kill the son of a b.i.t.c.h.

Seriously. if I ever see that guy again, he's dead.

With what I'm sure were watery eyes I started shoving even more pastries into their mouths. "You guys can have as many as you want from now on!"

I was having a blast watching them eat.

But the two refused my offerings.

"Evie, open up!" I ordered.

She stubbornly kept her mouth shut.

"Why?!"

"..."

I tried Minnie and got the same result.

"She's right." Minerva caught the pastry and gently laid it down. "We can't take advantage of Master's kindness. We have not yet done anything to deserve your rewards."

"I won't be a burden." Evie added, repeating the words for the second time. "I'll work hard."

These two were such good girls!

But no, stop it, okay? Let me spoil you...

"I'll definitely pay you back for what you did for us, Master."

"Nevermind that, just let me rub your ears then."

"There's no way I can let Master touch something so dirty and abhorrent." A flat-out refusal.

"I want to though...and don't call them that..."

"It's great enough that Master has taken us in. I understand your feelings, but I can't let myself contaminate a pure, holy being like Master. You do not have to force yourself. I am already more than happy to be able to recieve your goodwill. A filthy existence like me being allowed the honor of serving you is more than I can ask, or deserve." She smiled benignly.

That smile, it was too bright! My eyes burned! Burned I say!

"But...my cat ears..." I whimpered quietly.

Ah, f.u.c.k! I really should just go and become a Demon King or whatever! At least then I could have a whole palace full of cute cat-eared beauties and give them all the head pats! I could rub their heads and fondle their ears all day long!

I could brush their hair and put little bows on them and everything! I would adopt them all! And find a nice, busty, older cat-eared beauty to marry...

The thought was more tempting than all the treasures in the world.

Maybe being a Demon King wouldn't be too bad...?

"No!" I chastised myself. "Look at these two." I thought. "Their eyes are s.h.i.+nning so briliantly...I really can't let them down like that after all!"

But my cat-eared paradise...I felt like crying.

Being an Angel sucked!

***

Because Evie healed up way faster than I expected I took them with me when I went back to pick up the King and co.

By the time I got back I found the guy sitting at the same place with his mouth deepthroating a sub sandwhich.

Asleep.

"Dude." I nudged. "Stop fellating that thing and go take a bath."

Minerva and Evie were behind me, probably wondering who the guy was.

"Day!"

A bolt of golden light rushed down the stairs.

I had no time to react.

*GLOMP*

I was knocked back by a force roughly equal to that of a speeding truck. And I should know.

"You rascal, I thought I was being attacked!"

Dolly's arms were wrapped around me, attempting, I a.s.sume, to squeeze my insides out.

I flicked her forehead. "I appreciate the love, kid, but you're killing your big bro. Why are you so strong only in these kind of situations?" Really now.

She bit my finger.

This little....

"No talking! Day left me, sho zhis is your punishment!"

Well then!

"Since when did you learn to give out punishments?"

"Vee shaid zhat people who desherve it musht be punished." She said through clenched teeth.

"And what else did she say?" That brat had to have said something more. No way it was so simple.

"She shaid zhat zhe one being punished musht obediently lay down and take zheir punishment!"

When did SHE ever obediently lay down and take HER punishment though, huh?! Every time I had to chase her around the whole house and listen to her fake cries and verbal abuse before she would finally give in! And that was on a good day!

She would s.h.i.+ver and act scared but she'd be right back at it the next day!

Man. Just thinking about that kid gave me a headache! She must have a screw loose or something. Though I do respect her unbendable nature, I guess....

I think Baz is the only one who can remain unruffled by that girl. Dunno how he does it.

"How long are we gonna keep this up then?"

"Are you shorry?"

"Yeah, sure, whatever."

"Okay zhen." I was released. "I'm sorry, Day. I didn't want to, but you forced my hand."

"How did you even know I was here anyway?"

"I could feel it?"

"The h.e.l.l? Feel it where? What?"

"In my tummy? Um. Something like that. You know?"

"I...I don't think I do..."

"It makes me feel warm and cozy. Also hungry. And a bit sleepy."

"You're always hungry." I rapped her head affectionately. "You're such an odd duck."

"Oh!" She had an epiphany. "I know! Like your name, get it? Day. Like, you know, suns.h.i.+ne and spice. Or sometimes chocolate. Which is why I get hungry. Day, do you usually carry chocolate with you?"

I didn't know what to say to that.

"Really an odd duck." Was all I could manage.

"By the way, who're they?" Dolly turned her attention towards my back. "What's with the hood? And the bandages? Are they hurt? Vee said only suspicious people hide their faces like that."

Okay, that one isn't too bad. I'll allow it.

"I picked up a few strays. They're coming home with us. I'm sure you'll get along just fine." I didn't bother going over the details.

I was already imaging the bliss of someday touching, rubbing and fingering those amazing ears...

Dolly took a sniff.

"You definitely have chocolate hidden away on you. Sharing is caring, remember?" She started pawing at my coat pockets like a little bandit.

Then she turned to Minnie all of a sudden and gave the woman a good stare. "You remind me of the wet p.u.s.s.y Baz brought home one day." She did bathe before we left. Her hair was still wet and the Inn didn't have any luxuries like soap. " I wonder why that is?" Next was Evie. "And you..." She considered. "You're a bit like Mother and Day. I like you. Your eyes are pretty. Why do you have those bandages? Are you okay?"

My. Wasn't she energetic today? She always got excited like this when she was wrapped in the jewelery of others, I noticed.

I didn't really care for that kinda stuff myself. I'd rather surround myself with pretty people instead. Preferably cute furry-eared people.

"Okay, settle down. You're scaring them."

I was proven wrong mere seconds later. "I want one..." Minnie's hands reached for Dolly's perfect, oh-so-pinchable cheeks. It was a subconscious action, a compulsion none could resist.

I knew it well.

Dolly stepped back, lightly and gracefully avoiding the claw-like fingers.

"These are not for you, filth! Keep your paws away, mongrel!"

She didn't tolerate having people other than Mother, Father or me pinching and patting her.

And that reaction would be fine with anyone else. But not Minnie, who immediately bowed at a ninety degree angle.

"Please forgive my unworthy existence!"

"As long as you understand your sins."

"Yes. Thank you. I'm very sorry."

"Raise your head."

"Yes. Thank you. Really, I'm sorry!"

"Day, this person seems nice. She's a bit smelly, but I like her. We're keeping them?"

They aren't pets, Dolly! Don't say things like that.

"Yup."

"Nice. Are we going home soon? I want to sleep in my own bed. That one was hard and lumpy. And some woman was asking for you?"

"I don't know anything about that." For some reason I was craving milk just then. I ignored it. "What about the Prince?"

"He's busy freaking out about some words someone wrote on him. Day, what does fister mean?"

"Ask--" Wait. Wait, no. No, no, no. Not gonna let that little devil-child explain that one! I'm not giving her that kind of opportunity! "It's like a wrestler."

"Wrestler...is that like a warrior?"

"Yeah. But they fight with fists, not weapons. And words too, but they aren't very good at it."

"I think Vera would be a good wrestler then. She's very eloquent."

It was sad how true that was. She wouldn't even have to throw a single punch, just a few words and a glare would leave the other person crying for their mother.

"She's something alright. Oh yeah, and don't worry we'll go back home soon enough. We just have to drop this guy back."

And as soon as I said that, "this guy" in question finally woke up. The King's eyes flickered for a bit before he regained consciousness and seemed very confused as to why he was currently giving a b.l.o.w.j.o.b to a sandwich.

You'd think he'd spit it out, but nope. He just took a large bite and downed the whole thing in one giant gulp.

"Bit dry." He evaluated, licking his lips. "I coulda done it better."

Which made the Innkeeper say, "f.u.c.k you." before he pa.s.sed the guy a gla.s.s of water and returned to the kitchen.

"Why h.e.l.lo there, Sleeping Beauty. Welcome to the land of the living."

"Wish I could say it was good to be back." He replied. He had two fingers rubbing the sides of his head. "Head is still killing me." He scanned the room. "Those two are...?"

"Oh they're two kittens I picked up on my morning stroll. Cute, eh?"

The King squinted at Evie. "Is that kid alright?"

"Her sense of fas.h.i.+on is a bit weird." I covered.

He continued his observation. "..."

"You know." He finally got around to saying after several seconds of silence. "You seem just a bit familiar, kid. Something about your eyes...Just where've I....?" You could just see the gears turning in his head.

"You're imagining things, old man." There's no way the King would've seen that kid before, what was he tryna pull here? d.a.m.n lolicon.

I didn't trust any of my fans around a loli, you hear me! Not one!

But yeah alright I'll admit that I also found her sorta familiar. It was a very odd feeling. In particular her name seemed to ring a bell or two but for the life of me I wasn't able to recall where I'd heard it before. It was on the tip of my tongue and yet I couldn't quite put my finger on it.

"Probably." He backed off, not caring about it anymore. Then he glanced at Minnie. "Alright I swear I've seen YOU before though."

Okay, okay, so maybe he did. Would be weird, but not impossible. "She used to work for some n.o.ble by the name of Barney or whatever until today. Know him?"

"I don't know any Barney, no....Wait, you mean a tall guy with red hair? Lord Barnabus?"

"He won't be standing so tall anymore, but yeah."

"Let me guess, he was beating up his servants again?"

"Right-o, Lucy-loo."

"Figures. He was supposed to have an audience with me today too. I'd completely forgotten about that." Didn't seem to mind overmuch. " I was looking forward to it, he usually brings me a bottle of my favorite wine. Think I'm a bit sick of it after last night though."

"You don't say."

...Huh. Small world.

I could just feel Minerva tensing up. We were talking low but her ears were sharp as a tack and I guessed she was starting to have some very heavy suspicions right about now that were giving her ulcers.

"Maybe you've seen these two when they were with him, then?"

"Maybe." He admitted, clearly not thinking about this matter anymore either. "So you got my stuff?"

"Yeah. Go and wash up. We'll drop you two back at your place as soon as you and your son get freshened up."

"FATHER!!!!!"

Speak of the devil.

"Father!" The boy ran down the stairs all wild-eyed. " My chest! Look! It's ruined! Mother's going to skin me alive! What're we going to--Um, who're they?"

I noticed that, once again, Evie got yet another pair of eyes glued to her face. Her bandaged, covered face.

Now the King did a better job. But Alex? He looked entirely lost as he peered into Evie's deep ruby-reds.

"I...I...Uh..." He stammered.

To be fair, her eyes ARE pretty mesmerizing. And she IS standing next to Dolly, who, clad in her now trademark bunny onesie, was the epitome of girlish charm.

Maybe his brain simply couldn't handle such an overload of cuteness.

Lucius on the other hand took a look at his son's bruised up mug and newly inked skin with what was akin to the expression of a man going to war.

Or a man who knew he was gonna lose one.

"Dana is going to kill me." It was not a question or concern, but spoken like an undeniable fact. And his tone of voice was so calmly resigned that you'd believe he WASN'T pale as a ghost. Which he is.

As for me, I was just having fun seeing the Prince have a heart attack. Just look at him. Poor thing. I almost warned him, "Don't scratch on it, it'll just make it hurt more." But seeing him wince every time he picked at it was too entertaining.

His teary eyes coupled with that miserable, pretty boy face made you wanna pick on him even more.

While all this happened Dolly was busy chatting up Evie and Minerva and not paying the Prince any attention at all. Actually, that wasn't entirely true. She did point at him and giggle once or twice. Which he noticed. And sent him into deeper throes of despair.

Really, at the rate this was going their married like would be one full of tragedy!

The Prince had to get his s.h.i.+t together if he really wanted a shot at making Dolly fall for him.

A lightbulb lit itself above my head. "What she don't know won't hurt her, right?"

"Huh?"

I draped an arm around the guy's shoulder. "Hey, don't you think it's about time for him to get to know his future in-laws a little better?"

Don't worry, my sweet Prince.

I'll make a man outta you yet.