The Daybreak Volume 2 Chapter 9 Part2

Part 1

I only felt that I had finally returned to the capital after I saw Ricardo again in the manor.

"Welcome home. I'm glad you're unharmed."

"It's good to be back."

I had just finished putting my luggage away and was sitting down in the parlor to catch my breath.

At first, I had thought that I could never get used to living in a n.o.ble's manor, but I felt completely at home now that I've been living here for a while.

"How was it over there? Was there anything that inconvenienced you?"

"No. Alfred was there with me, so there weren't any issues worth taking note of."

Alfred, with whom I had just parted earlier, had probably returned to his own room.

"I'm glad to hear it. And it looks like you managed to dispose of the fake without a problem, too."

"Yes, we dealt with him quicker than I had imagined. I'm hoping that nothing else will happen for a while, though."

Ricardo hesitated for a moment as I was relaxing, finally freed from my nerves, before saying,

"I'm sorry for bringing this up while you're still tired……but, Graham is visiting at the moment. May I bring him here?"

It was rare for Graham to seek me out personally. I gave Ricardo my permission as I wondered what on earth Graham could need me for.

"Please do."

"In that case, I'll call him over."

Ricardo left the room and brought back Graham, who looked as sullen as ever, with him a moment later.

It looked like he had come here straight after work, judging by the way he was still in his royal guard's uniform.

"I heard about Harbel. It sounded like you were quite active there, Sir Glark."

"Perhaps not quite as active as you make it out to be. But before that, I don't mind if you call me Halka, you know."

"No thank you. In any event, I'm glad you didn't abuse the Aegarbel name while you were there."

I tried to get him to speak to me on friendlier terms, but my efforts were in vain. Ricardo, who didn't know about the complicated relations.h.i.+p we had, tilted his head to the side quizzically.

"Anyway, did you need something? I doubt you'd come all the way here for no reason."

Graham called for a servant with a bell and ordered for some tea before sitting down on a chair, acting more like the master of the manor than the actual master himself.

"Well, yes. You once talked with Effren Donostia from the military some time ago —do you remember what you talked about?"

I recalled the conversation I'd had at Earl Orbadros' evening party, which Princess Lorensia had also attended, a while back.

"I remember. Though I don't think it was anything worth mentioning."

"Did the topic of court magicians ever come up?"

"He asked me if I was planning to be one, now that you mention it."

"How did you answer?"

"I told that I wasn't interested."

My answer had been relatively normal, so I'd thought it shouldn't have posed much of a problem, but a quick look at Graham's and Ricardo's faces told me otherwise.

"If I remember correctly, he's rather close friends with the court magician Unai Samora, is he not?"

Graham let out a long sigh and clasped his hands as Ricardo confirmed his question.

"Yes. And the court magicians are in a rather delicate situation at the moment. After all, they failed to make any noteworthy contributions to the war despite the many special privileges they enjoy. Sir Donostia was probably digging around to see what you were planning to do in the future, Lord Glark."

"Then, how does my telling him that I wasn't interested in becoming a court magician affect them?"

"If you, Sir Glark, someone who's made a name for yourself, decide not to become a court magician, then there'll be more people questioning why we even have court magicians in the first place. They'll either try to convince you otherwise……or, they'll try to eliminate you."

I had only been careful of my enemies outside of the kingdom, but I apparently had enemies within the kingdom as well.

"In that case, should I just say that I want to be a court magician?"

Even I knew of how incompetent the court magicians had been on the battlefield.

All they had done was give around orders at the rear lines, where it was safe, and it had only been the nameless magicians who fell on the front lines.

They, who were not skilled enough to run away —they, who did not have the power to rise up in the world, had resolutely supported our unit.

That was why I did not want to become a court magician, but I would swallow down my pride and become one if not doing so would call forth more trouble.

"It's too late now. I heard that Sir Samoa was seen in Harbel just before the fake that you met showed up. I doubt that they're unrelated, given the timing."

I wanted to cradle my head in my hands. I should have never spoken about my future plans and should have just been as ambiguous as possible ever since I became a Hero.

I started to hate myself for being naïve enough to think that I would be able to protect the kingdom just by calling myself a Hero.

"Sir Glark. You should stabilize your position by earning a n.o.ble rank or what have you. Get yourself a ruby medal, if possible."

I gulped when I heard the words that Graham had uttered so readily.

The ruby medal was a decoration awarded to a highbrow individual. It had once been awarded to the magician Markleid —in fact, the decoration had been created specifically for him because he carried tremendous power but wasn't tied down to anything— and had never been awarded to anyone else since.

It was most certainly the greatest proof of a hero anyone could possibly be given. I clenched my sweaty hands tight and, as nervously as if he was a judge arbitrating my performance, asked,

"Do you really think……I can get one?"

But then he shot me down ever so quickly.

"Probably not."

"Hey. What do you mean by that?"

Ricardo, who had been unable to hold himself back after hearing Graham urge me to do something only to immediately deny the fact that I could accomplish it, asked Graham about the latter's intentions.

"I'm just saying that Sir Glark shouldn't be so naïve enough to think that he'll be able to receive a ruby medal just because of one deed. Markleid saved the kingdom too, but even he stepped onto the battlefield multiple times before he was awarded one. Which is why I don't think Sir Glark's achievements are enough to warrant a ruby medal yet. Still, he should be able to receive a peerage without having to become a court magician, so I'm just saying that he should compromise accordingly."

In that case, you didn't have to say anything about the ruby medal at all. You made me anxious there for a moment, jeez.

It was quite mean of him, since anything said by someone from House Aegarbel, one of the central pillars of the kingdom, sounded serious no matter how much of a boast or joke it actually was.

He was probably just toying with me. I suddenly felt myself grow exhausted once I figured that out.

Ricardo looked exhausted for a moment too, but he regained himself and posed Graham a question while placing a hand at his chin.

"I would think that people would have started talking about awarding Lord Halka a peerage by now, considering how much we've accomplished so far. Would you know anything about this, Graham?"

"I certainly do. I don't know much of the details because I'm only a knight, but the workings of the world don't change just because we're now in a time of peace. I'm sure that there are vacant court ranks to spare."

"Has Sir Samora begun laying the groundwork against Lord Halka gaining a t.i.tle as well?"

"Who could say?"

Was something I had no knowledge up slowly closing in on me from beneath still waters? I trembled at my ominous prediction.

Graham slowly got up once he had finished drinking his black tea.

"In any case, I've said what I came here to say. It would probably be best not to agitate the court magicians too much. That's all I have. I'll be heading back."

"……Thank you for your warning."

"There isn't really much I can do, after all. Do something about the rest yourself."

Graham quickly left the room after he had finished saying his piece.

Was that his way of telling me not to rely on him too much? I was ashamed of how powerless I was.

I began worrying about the mountain of problems that had piled up before me just as I once again acknowledged how truly powerless I was. I leaned against the table like a child and buried my face in my arms.

Ricardo would probably be bewildered about how ill-mannered I was being, especially since I hadn't been like this in a while. But even still, I felt like I wouldn't be able to go on if I didn't at least do this much.

"City folk are much too terrifying for a backwater magician like me."

They acted normal when I met them face-to-face, but I constantly had to wonder just how much animosity they held for me behind the mask.

Going through this every single day made the days feel eerie and cold, as if I was some kind of cold-blooded snake who couldn't retain my own body heat. I was sure this was why my teacher had lived a quiet, secretive life like he was hiding from them.

I felt Ricardo laughing from somewhere above my head where I couldn't see.

"In that case, I would have to hide myself from you as well. After all, I can't stand by your side if I'm one of the people who terrifies you so, Lord Halka."

I knew he was joking, so I decided to play along.

"You may not."

"Why is that?"

"Because nothing is more rea.s.suring than having something scary by your side."

I was glad that my face was hidden in my arms after I said that. I didn't want him to see how effeminately embarra.s.sed I was.

I mean, 'I fear you the most, but that's also why I'm the strongest when you're by my side' sounded like the lyrics to a commonplace love song or something. I hoped that he had understood what I said as a joke between friends.

I didn't know what kind of face he was making, but Ricardo respectfully replied,

"I hear and obey."

His polite words served to make my giddy heart grow somber. I then looked up to look at Ricardo, and I was confidant that I was successful in keeping my feelings off my face.

"In any event, shall I strive to don the mantle of a Hero now? I think I'll be able to do it with just a little more effort."

"Yes, you're right,"

Ricardo quietly agreed with me when I forcefully declared my thoughts to clear away my anxiety.

I loved this knight dearly, just as I had forgiven and loved my teacher, Arold Glark, for his reasons.

And yet, the world refused to let us remain in these times of peace.

*

Ricardo and I were in my room with our arms crossed as we stared, deep in thought, at the unsealed letter before us.

Its contents, written by a delicate hand, was the cause behind the extremely heavy air around us.

It had been sent by the Rolights National Society of Magicians. It was a special invitation to the Magic Conference that was to be held this year.

And, considering that the upper echelons of the Society were mostly comprised of court magicians, we had good reason to believe that it was a trap of some sorts.

Should I attend or should I not? —I was at a loss as for which option I should choose.

"Perhaps you should refrain from attending this year? I don't believe it is wise to blindly accept their invitation when we don't know what they're planning."

What Ricardo said made sense, but I couldn't bring myself to meekly accept his proposal.

"……I'm actually thinking of attending."

I knew it would be dangerous but steeled myself anyway. I clenched my hands into fists.

"I think the Magic Conference could be a good opportunity, depending on how you look at it. I know that I'm being judged right now, based on the contents of the invitation. Perhaps I've come to the point where they have no choice but to evaluate me. If I go and confront them and display at least a certain amount of ability, then wouldn't I be able to create a situation where no one can question me?"

Ricardo looked worried and had a stern look on his face when I said this to him.

"But if you go and fail……then the people may lose their trust in you, Lord Halka. It's impossible to calculate just how much of an influence the Conference will have because it's so large. Will you go even still?"

For a moment, my heart was captivated by the anguish in his eyes and he stole my gaze. I quickly made myself ponder over the situation again so I could cool the heat coming over me that was ill-befitting of the situation.

I was not being overly optimistic. This was a dangerous bet. I would either win or lose everything.

"Yes. I think I'll go."

I was exasperated by the fact that the kingdom was refusing to officially acknowledge me as a hero. I could not keep our enemy, Heliot, in check unless I had the appropriate amount of fame. The fear that things may never change unless I challenged something big was burning away at my heart.

And that was why I had to capitalize on this opportunity no matter what.

"It's impossible to predict how they will act. Please exercise every caution at all times."

"Yes. Of course."

My chances were good. I simply had to take the knowledge from my original world and wield it as my own.

It would create a huge impact on this world as long as they accepted it. I was sure that it would even grant me great honor.

And yet, a cool voice held me back even as I thought this.

Wouldn't it lead me to make huge mistakes if I simply presented the knowledge without the experience to back it up? I might even end up influencing this world for the worse —and so much so that I could never take responsibility for my actions.

If I flaunted my knowledge to this world without knowing what could happen, would I end up regretting the consequences they would one day bring forth?

Both arguments were correct in their own account, and I was unable to come to a decision between them.

"My improvements to the glider are progressing smoothly……but I'll still have to come up with a few other things I can bring to the table, I suppose."

"If only I was knowledgeable about magic……."

I smiled and cheered Ricardo up as he lamented.

"You've already more then helped me enough as it stands. I'll be asking for your support when I need new materials to work with."

"Understood. ……I believe there should be an abstract from past Magic Conferences lying about somewhere, so I'll bring it to you for your reference."

Then, Ricardo brought me a thick book from the study.

Only magicians would ever have a need for the book, so it was probably something he had collected for my sake.

"Thank you."

I accepted it from him and skimmed through the contents. I took in information about spells that had received special attention in the past.

I sat down deeply into my chair and rested my weight against it.

Let's think about the future. I then realized what kinds of things would be received best in the kingdom right now and smiled bitterly.

"I'll be holing myself up in my room for a bit. Please ask Alfred to stand by outside it for the time being. No one is to enter my room unless I call for them."

Ricardo threw me a puzzled look, but he didn't voice his question out loud because he saw that I wasn't about to explain myself any further.

"Then, please call for me should anything happen."

I stood back up after I saw Ricardo bow and leave the room and placed a few blank sheets of paper and a magical tome on my desk.

I was planning to write out the knowledge I remembered from my original world one by one and organize them on paper.

I had originally wanted to consult Ricardo along the way, but I knew that I wouldn't be able to answer if he asked me how I knew these things.

I would have to figure out if I could use any of things I knew for magic by myself.

And……at the same time, I would also have to think about magical attacks that would be effective in personal combat. The upper echelons of society would probably rejoice if I announced something like that at the Magic Conference. After all, the spell that had received the most attention at the last Conference was a new method for torture.

At present, the Magic Conference was heavily influenced by the kingdom's military affairs. Personally, I didn't want to teach people new ways to attack others with, but that was just how it was for any public organization that was supported by the throne.

I sighed so deeply I thought I might drown in it as I worked my brains.

What if I ran electricity through a spear? It would stop people from moving and make it easier to restrain them. And weaker magicians could use it as self-defense or something.

I was a little disgusted at myself for being able to come up with something so readily, but my hands were already writing down ways to make it happen.

I felt like I was stepping down a th.o.r.n.y path from which there was no return with each letter I scribbled down.

The eerie sounds of my pen scratching against paper in a closed s.p.a.ce echoed through the room in a bloodcurdling manner, and my thoughts sank deeper into the silence.

The gentle days I had spent with my teacher in the village seemed so far away now, and I even began to wonder if the peaceful and slightly hazy days I had spent in j.a.pan were only but a dream.

This was the path that I had deliberately chosen for myself. I had no reason to be sad.

But the corners of my eyes grew hot for no reason and I hastily wiped away at the tears that threatened to spill out from them. I smacked my cheeks with my hands and psyched myself up again.

I had to be thorough in my preparations and I had to ensure that my performance was flawless.

I was so close to having the public recognize me as a hero. I was sure that Ricardo would be proud of me when I formally attained the t.i.tle.

I was always asking why I had been brought to this world. I was sure that I would find my answer once I was acknowledged as a hero.

But then……I remembered Miss Seraphina's words, which seemed to crush my resolve to push forward.

"This kingdom is not worth protecting if it means that my precious friend cannot be true to herself."

How blinding her words had been. Her straightforward words had been overflowing with kindness as they pierced me right through the core.

But, Miss Seraphina. I can't turn back anymore.

It wasn't because I didn't want to betray the expectations that the people of this kingdom have for me, but because there was one person whom I absolutely didn't wish to disappoint.

*

I held the prototype of the electrified spear that was delivered to me this morning in my hands.

It was a little too long to carry around in my room. I was careful not to break any of my equipment. It was made of wood with a metal core, and it was a little too heavy for someone weak like me to use readily. Perhaps I should make the metal core inside thinner, since all that it needed to be able to do was carry an electric current.

I realized that Alfred was staring at me expressionlessly as I scrutinized the spear while thinking up of ways to improve it.

"What is it?"

"……I'm surprised you managed to come up with such a terrifying weapon."

He didn't criticize me for it, though —it seemed like he was simply genuinely puzzled.

There was a cold light in his slightly narrowed eyes. He was wearing the face of a mercenary who fought on the battlefields as he said,

"I kill people for money."

I could tell that he was trying to ask me a question by talking about something personal. The things he was telling me were obvious, though, considering his occupation. He continued,

"I slaughter people like pigs or cattle for my own survival. And I don't think what I do is evil."

I, too, had robbed many people of their lives in order to protect what was important to me. So I didn't think that Alfred's reasons for going into battle were all that different from my own.

"I'm not that different from you."

"……No. You most likely can't help but wonder about what kind of lives the people you killed had lived. And you won't stop thinking about it even after you've released that weapon into the world, will you?"

Alfred suddenly looked like a doll to me. What I saw in him was an extraordinary lack of emotion. It was like there was a cliff between us that I couldn't communicate across no matter what I tried.

The person named Alfred was someone who could bring down his sword on you readily and without a moment's hesitation even if you cried and begged him for your life. In all likelihood, he was not ensnared by the countless number of people he had killed.

There was a clear distinction between him and I, who felt guilty about all of people I had killed and was tormented by nightmares every night.

Had he noticed how I had taken half a step back in vague fear? He continued,

"I'm sure you'll end up crying."

These words were warm and humane. He was not making fun of me, nor was he pitying me. It sounded as if he was simply telling me the future he had predicted.

I refuted him because his words had p.r.i.c.ked at my heart. I desperately wished I could become strong.

"I won't cry."

"No. You will."

"I won't cry!"

"……If you say so,"

he said with a wry smile as he folded. But then, he placed his fingers near my eyes as if he was wiping away at invisible tears.

I brushed him off by twisting my body, and Alfred laughed out loud a little like a child. All of the fear I had felt before cleared away instantly when he did.

Alfred cleared his throat and returned to his normal expression before he sincerely said to me,

"I pray that your talent will not lead you to your demise. ……Pardon me. I was simply speaking to myself."

He was br.i.m.m.i.n.g in consideration for me as he sketched me a quiet bow.

He was not only a cold person. He drew a distinct line in his heart and clearly separated out those whom he allowed inside and those he did not. I did not need to be afraid of him because I was someone on the inside.

And I believed this from the bottom of my heart. I pondered about what Alfred had said as the composure returned to my face.

I felt like my heart would get crushed whenever I imagined someone attacking someone else with the weapon I devised. Would I be able to bear it? Did I really have to go this far?

The spear in my hands felt heavier. I had thought that I had steeled myself to go as far as I must, but Alfred's words made me reconsider my resolve.

And so, I purposefully decided against improving the spear.

*

The Magic Conference was held in a large indoor facility so that large-scale spells could be cast safely inside. The facility was built with materials that were naturally resistant to magic and was typically used to conduct magic-related examinations and experiments. The normally plain walls were decorated in a stately but gorgeous manner today, making it clear for all to see that the conference was backed by the kingdom itself.

I walked around the crowd and many people pa.s.sed me by.

I wanted to hide in the crowd as much as possible because I knew that there were people here whom I had to face as enemies, but it wasn't possible because Ricardo, being as beautiful as he was, was here with me.

I wandered about the venue, going along with the flow, in an effort to at least diminish my presence as much as I could.

Though it was all pretty much in vain because I would have to attend the main event anyway.

"Sir Glark!"

I felt people turn their attention toward me, though they did try not to make it obvious, when someone called my name.

Ricardo expressionlessly took a half step forward and put pressure on the man who was approaching me. He was guarding me with extreme caution today because we didn't know what would happen.

I answered the young man with his own name as he slipped past the crowd with his small frame.

"You were here too, Lord Rider?"

"Yes. I thought I'd be able to see you if I came."

Evidently, he had begun genuinely looking up to me ever since that incident when he tried to become my disciple. He was smiling at me amicably and gleefully. Ricardo didn't sense any malice from him either, and he quietly slipped back behind me.

Rider bowed to me again after casting a glace in Ricardo's direction, perhaps because he was relieved that he wasn't rejected or turned away.

"Um, I wanted to tell you that I've been thinking of studying magic that'll help change what people look like."

I wondered what on earth he was talking about for a moment before I recalled that I had once asked him what his goals for learning magic were.

Apparently, he was here to answer my question from that time. My heart softened at how adorably straightforward he was, and I forgot that I was in the midst of the enemy's base for a moment.

"Why do you wish to do this?"

"I want to use my power for the people who need it. Then, I happened to hear about people who suffered terrible wounds and couldn't go out in society again because of them. I want to use my power for them."

"Is that so?"

People who had their jaws, ears, or noses cut off were pitiful. They ended up having to avoid people just for being ugly.

Rider would surely be able to help such people if was able to further develop the spell to change one's own appearance into the spell used for changing that of others.

But it was rather difficult to change someone else's appearance.

"I see you've chosen a good path for yourself. Thank you for coming out of your way to tell me about this in person."

"Thank you; I'll do my best!"

It looked like Rider had grown some confidence after hearing what I had to say.

I could see that he had matured a lot since the day he had broken into the manor and suddenly declared that he wanted to be my disciple. He had grown up so much on his own.

He would grow to be a wonderful magician as long as his straightforward nature continued to point him in a positive direction like this.

"Thank you for listening to what I had to say."

Rider gave me one last cheerful bow before his disappeared back into the crowd.

I could not help but feel that I'd grown older after seeing how young and pa.s.sionate he was.

"I hardly recognized him. I'm sure he worried a lot and thought things through carefully before he made his resolve. I'd be relieved for this kingdom's future if only there were more young people like him."

"……Yes, I agree. I, however, would not have been able to make the bud sprout. It was only possible because of what you had said to him, Lord Halka."

"You're over-exaggerating."

Someone came over to talk to us as we carried out our little exchange.

"Excuse me, am I correct in a.s.suming that you're Lord Bramdy?"

The man, who had called out to Ricardo instead of me, was a member of the royal guard, judging by his uniform. I glanced at Ricardo as I wondered who this man was, but it looked like Ricardo didn't know him either.

"And you are?"

"I was tasked with calling you over, Lord Bramdy. Please follow me."

We followed after him, since we could not refuse a member of the royal guard who was doing his duties even though he never told us who he was. I had no chance to catch my breath because so many things were happening at once, but it couldn't be helped. That was just how many people, each with their own motives, had gathered here today.

There weren't many people who could use the royal guard as they pleased. And, considering how expressionless Ricardo grew as we neared our destination, I gradually realized that I could only imagine one individual whom our caller could be.

The royal guard who was leading us stopped before an area that was separated from the rest of the venue by a thin piece of cloth.

"I have brought Lord Bramdy and Lord Glark."

"Thank you. Please enter."

I knew I was right as soon as I heard the familiar voice.

We were guided inside the cloth, and the person I had imagined would be inside smiled back at us.

She was as beautiful as an unrealistic fairy. It was unmistakably Princess Lorensia.

"I learned that you were here and wanted to see you. I hope you don't mind that I called you over like this."

"No, of course not,"

Ricardo answered, prompting Princess Lorensia to turn to me next.

"And you too, Mr. Glark."

"It's an honor."

She had called out to me, but I couldn't help but feel that I was being made a third wheel to their conversation.

It was only Ricardo whom she had called for, after all, and Princess Lorensia hardly spared me a second glance.

Did I only think this way because of my jealousy?

Princess Lorensia spoke cheerfully about a few presentations that she had found impressive.

She spoke about newly announced spells that she had found pretty and about the changes made in the presentations of those who attended the conference every year.

Her a.n.a.lyses were quite in-depth, which would have been impossible for someone with only a shallow understanding of what was going on.

I was astonished by how clever the princess was and how outstanding her memory was.

Ultimately, however, I was a little relieved that she was only speaking about worldly gossip rather than what I had feared she would bring up.

Perhaps she had simply wanted to talk to Ricardo, with whom she was acquainted with? I relaxed the muscles that I hadn't known I had tensed up and nodded along to their conversation whenever prompted.

Then, once Princess Lorensia had finished talking about bland, inconsequential matters, she brought her black tea to her lips to refresh herself and said,

"Do you not intend to return to the royal guard, Ricardo?"

I was rendered speechless by how she had asked the question as though she had been simply continuing her prior gossip.

Ricardo maintained his expressionless countenance, but he was not able to respond immediately.

This must've been her real aim.

If the princess herself was bringing up the royal guard, then wasn't it basically the same thing as her telling Ricardo, who had served in the position previously, to offer her his sword again?

"You've already done more than enough on the battlefield. I would like you to display your strength by my side henceforth."

She looked terrifying to me as she narrowed her eyes and smiled intellectually.

After all, the princess was not being greedy. And neither was she trying to force him to become her lover or anything.

If anything, she had evaluated his abilities highly as a member of the royal family and appeared to simply be granting due honor to someone who merited it.

But, for me, who had strived to make myself a fitting master for Ricardo, her words were something that could completely turn the tables on me with ready ease.

"……It is an honor for you to offer me such words —if perhaps an honor I do not deserve."

I held my breath for a moment. My attention was fully focused on Ricardo's words. I single-mindedly prayed that his next would not spell out disaster for me.

Ricardo bowed respectfully to Princess Lorensia and continued,

"However, I have something I must do in my current post. Please forgive my insolence."

"……I see, that's a pity,"

Princess Lorensia said as if she was bored.

Ricardo had turned down Princess Lorensia's offer just as readily as I had been bewildered by it.

Happiness permeated through my entire being at this fact. There was something more important to Ricardo than his knightly honor.

And, if I wasn't being deluded, that something was me —his master.

I made great efforts to keep the edges of my lips from curling up into a smile and maintain my composure. I felt like my effeminate joy would slip out if I didn't.

It was like how a woman would cross her arms and flaunt her owners.h.i.+p when another woman made pa.s.ses at her man and failed. I had always found this particular aspect of society ridiculous. And yet, I could finally empathize with how it felt.

I didn't care about how petty it made me look. It was nothing compared to the peace in my heart that came from knowing that the person I loved had chosen to stand by my side. And, how truly comforting would it be to know for sure that no one who knew what he was worth could ever steal what was mine?

But, I could not act as most women did. After all, what Ricardo wanted from me was a "master".

All I could do was wait fearfully for the day that Ricardo finally found his life partner.

"Excuse us,"

Ricardo bowed to the princess and bid her farewell so quickly I was afraid it might come off as rude and stepped outside boundary of the thin cloth.

I, too, quickly sketched Princess Lorensia a bow and followed him outside.

"Was it really all right? You turned her down so readily…"

I asked Ricardo as we walked back into the crowd, to which he clearly replied,

"It is fine. After all, I already have everything that I wanted."

"Is that so?"

I looked down and, once I had made sure that no one else could see, let the smile that I could no longer contain surface for a moment.

And, for a moment, I accidentally thought that I would be able to overcome any trial if it meant I could retain this joy.

We walked on without the leisure in our hearts to even look at the variety of spells that were being presented and admired around us.

We were going to see Unai Samora's lecture, which was to be the main event of the conference.

The invitation had gone out of its way to let me know that I had seats reserved for the lecture, so that was likely where the trap had been laid.

I had prepared myself in every way I could think up for this moment.

Perhaps he would expose how inexperienced I was as a magician. Or, perhaps he would point out how low my rank was in the military.

While I couldn't necessarily deny either, I had made the preparations I needed to trick people into thinking otherwise.

And that's why it'll be all right. I can win this fight, no matter what.

I trusted in myself and inspired what courage I could by repeating this to myself.

I had to win no matter what, for Ricardo's sake as well as he stood beside me.

I caught a glimpse of my opponent in question from across the crowd. He looked dignified and solemn with his white hair and beard.

He was surrounded by young magicians and was acting so naturally it almost seemed as though he was unaware of the storm that was about to take place.

I could not help but s.h.i.+ver as I imagined what kind of look this well-dressed elderly man had on his face as he schemed behind the scenes to crush me, someone much younger than himself, underfoot.

Ricardo and I exchanged a glance before we wordlessly stepped forward.

"Thank you for calling me over today, Lord Samora."

Samora smiled back at me in an extremely friendly manner and extended he hand out to me for a handshake.

"It's nice to meet you, Sir Glark. I've been wanting to meet you."

I shook his hand even as I was creeped out about how unexpectedly amicable he was being.

Then, I let go of this thick hand without communicating any of my inner thoughts.

"You wanted to meet someone as inexperienced as me?"

"You're being much too modest —I have more than high expectations for you."

"Thank you."

"I saw the work you did on your spear. It was something very practical, especially for magicians who are weak at close combat. It was quite an amazing idea."

He was being so normal that it didn't seem like he held any hostility toward me at all, and I could help but wonder what on earth he was planning.

It would be easier for me to deal with things if he made his hostility obvious, so I wondered how long he planned to keep up this farce.

"It was worth wracking my brains for so many days to hear the highest authority on basic research say so."

Court magicians usually appeared to indulge in every possible luxury and enjoy their work at leisure, but Samora had never neglected his work.

This only applied to his research, however, and he was widely criticized for never going anywhere where he could be faced with danger even though his magical prowess would have been a great addition to our military might.

It was only natural for unaffiliated magicians who had gone to war, like me, to criticize him for this.

"The previous king understood that a field such as mine, though plain at a first glance, is an important one. But now we are at times of war. Many court magicians were put through quite some trouble because of how much things changed once the new king was crowned."

I said, "Yes, of course," and concurred with my lips, but on the inside I considered him to be quite the careless person —like someone taking a nap in the midst of a fire. Someone who lacked a sense of danger as much as he did probably wouldn't even notice his peril until enemy soldiers had invaded his personal bedroom.

He only cared about himself. Someone like him, who thought himself so special, shouldn't be in his position.

Let alone the fact that no court magician should never act this way in public.

"And that is why we need everyone to understand how important opportunities like the Magic Conference are."

"I see."

The shallow, noncommittal small-talk exchanged between us concluded there.

His next words changed everything.

"By the way……I was so sure that you were going to give a presentation about summoning magic."

"Huh?"

I froze when Samora posed his question as if he was gossiping about daily life.

He said "summoning magic" just now, didn't he?

Why would he say that?

I furiously searched through my memories to see if there had been anything that tied me to the concept of summoning magic.

I felt like I had a gun pointed at my head as I feared that my absolute secret, which I'd been doing everything I could to keep hidden, had been exposed.

If word of my secret got out, people would find out that I wasn't from this kingdom and I wouldn't be able to get away with it just by enduring a bit of criticism.

It was possible that they would stop treating me as a person altogether.

This had been a fear of mine ever since I had left the village.

I felt a bead of sweat drop down my forehead as I opened my dry mouth to speak.

"What made you think that?"

It was a miracle that my voice didn't quiver.

"Stop pretending that you don't know. Your teacher was famous. Isn't that why you went to Harbel?"

His reply was not the reply that I had been dreading.

My teacher? What about my teacher? And why was he pointing out that my teacher was famous, and not me?

Was there something that everyone knew about my teacher and summoning magic? My teacher, the old man who died alone in his lonely little hut?

He had simply been an aged magician who had died with grief still on his face, unable to shake free of his regrets even at the bitter end.

I had never once heard his name during my time in the capital and I had thought that it only existed anymore in the reaches of my heart, so I had been completely unprepared to hear him be brought up now.

The scales of this battle were overwhelmingly tipped against me.

"What are you talking about?"

Samora smiled viciously like an insect as the blood drained from my face and I glared at him.

Any thought of my battle left my mind, and I could not help but ask this even though I knew that I was completely being played.

"Perhaps you'll understand if I bring up "Arnold Gusman". It was your teacher's name before he changed it."

The people around us who had been listening in to our conversation suddenly began to stir.

They began saying things like, "Isn't that?" and "You mean?" to each other, but I still had no idea what he meant.

A different emotion from the fear I had felt earlier surged up from within me.

This wasn't about me. Why was everyone paying so much attention to something that had to do with my teacher?

Had the person who called himself Arold Glark always lied to me about his name?

Had he been lying to me, who spent so much time with him and even nursed him at his deathbed?!

I don't understand. I don't understand!

"Like I said, what are you talking about?!"

Samora opened his eyes wide in surprise when I yelled at him in frustration.

He sighed as if in disappointment and said,

"Do you really not know? Your teacher is a criminal who summoned the red-eyed Kanaukaleid and was banished from the capital."

I recalled the tragedy that the people of Harbel had told me about as they spoke about the past.

The burning houses.

The village that had been wiped off the map.

The uncountable mountain of the dead.

Oh, so that's why.

I don't remember how I got back after that.

*

Part 2

I returned to my senses after slamming the door shut behind me.

I took a quick look at my surroundings to find that I was standing inside the room I was borrowing from Ricardo.

Apparently, my thoughts had been entangled in a storm the entire way back from the venue, and my body had been moving on auto-pilot.

The only emotion raging within my chest was fury.

I could not help the fact that my overwhelming fury, which I could not hold back with reason alone, was wracking the inside of my skull.

……The magician who summoned Kanaukaleid……

That stupid voice echoed inside me yet again. I was consumed by an animalistic impulse for destruction.

I'm angry. So angry. I'm so p.i.s.sed off.

My irritation got the better of me and I picked up the penholder and bottle of ink that had been on the desk and threw them.

The gla.s.s bottle broke with a shrill noise and black ink spilled out from the cracks and spread on the floor.

My rage did not subside at all even as I watched the blackness erode its surroundings.

I reached for a small picture frame that was hanging on the wall that I'd placed my hand against and threw it against the wall opposite.

Everything —all of it. Get it out of my sight!

I took up a short sword from the room and thrust it deeply inside an embroidered pillow, but it was too soft to give any meaningful resistance, so I grabbed fistfuls of white feathers from the tear and ripped them out.

I sensed that there were servants waiting outside in the hall, but they were smart and made no attempt to come inside.

I circled around the same spot on the floor multiple times, unable to calm down at all, and eventually began punching my fists against the wall.

How could he, how could he?! Was he really that foolish?!

I grit my teeth and forced myself to sit down on the messy pile of feathers that was the bed.

I stomped on the floor as hard as I could over and over again for no particular reason.

This is so annoying. Everything should just disappear. Without a single trace.

This shoe, this floor, this room, this manor, this land, this world —all of it.

I hate everything, and it's all so annoying. It should all just disappear.

It should all just crumble apart and be swallowed by the darkness.

My rage should subside at least a little if it all returned to nothingness without leaving even a single grain of sand behind.

I felt the presences on the other side of the door grow smaller and understood that the people gathered outside had dispersed. Perhaps someone had instructed them to do so.

He seemed to have made up his mind and he entered the room after everyone else had left.

"Pardon my intrusion."

Ricardo, who had chased after his fleeing master and had returned home in a hurry, looked just a perturbed as I was.

He was rendered speechless when he saw what a disastrous state the room was in.

I had tried so hard to be the kind of person he wished for me to be, but I had always ever only been wearing a mask.

I felt something similar to exasperation as I realized that I had let him see this animalistic side of me.

I somehow managed to put back on a fragile mask and spoke to him as he was still at a loss for words.

"I'm sorry, but can you please leave me alone right now?"

"But…"

"I'll take it out on you! I might take my frustrations out on you! So please, just let me be!"

I yelled at him as I covered my face with my hands.

I didn't want to have to deal with any new information coming from the outside. I already had my hands full dealing with the emotions I was processing on the inside.

Can you please just leave? Hurry up and go. I just want it to be quiet.

I waited to hear the door closing, but Ricardo refused to move a muscle.

He was usually so faithful to my requests, so why was he hesitating now? Hesitantly, Ricardo said to me,

"The crimes of a teacher do not pa.s.s down to his student, so, Lord Halka, nothing will tarnish your name no matter what Samora says……"

"Shut up!!"

I reflexively shouted back as I stood up. I glared at Ricardo as fiercely as if I was staring down at an enemy.

I did this because he was so far off the mark. It was a mistake that I couldn't forgive.

Do you think I'm upset because I was belittled? Well, you're wrong!

I've been long since prepared to be cursed at by the ma.s.ses!

"I'll resolve every problem that may arise, Lord Halka, so please……"

I could no longer hold back my anger as Ricardo was about to make yet another mistake, so I walked up to him, swept at his legs, and pushed him to the floor.

He could have resisted me easily if he had wanted to, but Ricardo let me push him down as I pleased.

"I thought I told you to shut up."

I grabbed him by the collar and pulled my face barbarically up closer to his.

There was a bewildered light in his eyes as he peered back up at me, making him look younger than he actually was.

The pitch-black destructive impulse that I had buried so deeply in the depths of my heart I had almost forgotten about it reared its ugly head and whispered in my ear, telling me to destroy everything.

What a sweet temptation it was.

I let go of his collars and wrapped my right hand around the defenseless white flesh of his exposed throat.

"It p.i.s.ses me off so much that I can't stand it anymore. Everything p.i.s.ses me off."

My eyes were clouded by my anger. I even forgot how to take deep breaths.

Ricardo's pulse, coming from the veins that ran underneath the skin of his throat, felt distant against my hand.

"Will my rage subside, even if only a little, if I f.u.c.ked you up?"

That sounded good. I'm sure it'd be fun. It'd probably be fun, and empty, and I'd probably lose myself in the process.

What if I broke this beautiful person by inflicting an invisible wound on him?

I smiled a black and ugly sneer as I threw myself away and gave in to my desires.

"Lord Hal……!"

My right hand tightened around Ricardo's throat as he tried to call my name even still.

The nails on my left hand dug into his chest and drew blood.

I was so sure that, soon enough, he would throw me off because he wasn't able to breathe.

And that was when I would finally drive him out of this room and slam the door shut.

The agony grew more apparent on his face as I tightened my right hand's grip around his throat.

But, the Ricardo of my delusions and the real Ricardo were two different beings.

His eyes, which had been looking up at me, accepted my violent outburst and quietly closed.

"No!"

I screamed, unable to stop myself. I let go of him and buried my head in my hands.

This wasn't what I truly wanted.

I understood because Ricardo had willingly surrendered himself to me.

I understood just how ugly I was, and just how pure and innocent his reverence for me was.

The person I really was —so vastly different from whom I had imagined myself to be— stared back at me like a mirror's reflection.

My once-paralyzed sense of guilt came rus.h.i.+ng back as Ricardo, finally free of the pressure that had been acting on his throat, began coughing.

I can still fight on my own. I'll hold back the atrocious anger dwelling inside of me,

I told myself and, this time, I reached out to Ricardo placed my hands feebly on his back.

"I'm sorry. I've done something horrible to you."

"No. I don't mind. I'm glad if it helped you feel better."

I really had no choice but to regain my senses if he was willing to go as far as to say that.

But my feelings hadn't settled down at all, and I couldn't help but wonder if I would split in two between my rationale side and my emotional side.

"I'm……the one who made you say that, aren't I. I'm ashamed of myself. Ricardo. I'll be all right. And more importantly, I don't want to hurt you."

I smiled as best as I could to give Ricardo some peace of mind as I helped him back up. He looked relieved to see me acting normal.

In the end, I could never bring myself to hurt him.

"……I'll clean up my room myself. So, Ricardo, please return to your own room."

Ricardo peered into me as if he was searching for something, but I donned the mask I normally wore so he could not catch even a glimpse of my heart and I urged him out of the room.

"Please go."

"……Please call for me immediately if you need anything."

"I will."

He looked a little worried, but he left my room without inquiring any further.

As soon as Ricardo left my room, I screamed my uncontrollable feelings out loud.

My heart was screaming. Would it break me? —it was hard to say for sure.

I had to face this.

Silently, I closed my eyes in this room where no one else was present.

*

I could only see by candlelight in the pitch-black darkness.

I could not help but pay more attention to the noise I was making because no one else was up and about at this late hour.

I had so few belongings to pack that I surprised even myself when I managed to cram it all in one small bag.

My room, which I had somehow managed to tidy up, looked mostly normal when compared against the disaster it had been at noon.

The servants shouldn't be too troubled by anything else they had to clean.

Now that I thought back on it, I had spent so much time in this room that I had grown attached to it. I felt a little lonely, but that was why I needed to get away and take the time to face my feelings.

I had somehow managed to quell my impulsive rage, but the state of my mind had yet to return to normal.

I was still asking him. Why, why, why?

I would have to take a closer look at my past if I wanted to escape the labyrinth of my thoughts.

I knew that there were things I still had to do here, but I honestly couldn't pay any attention to them right now.

I had to prioritize regaining control over my emotions first. I couldn't get started on anything else until I did.

And if I can't…….

I shook my head clear of the worst possible future I could envision.

I stood in front of my desk and took hold of a pen and a sheet of paper. There was a part of me that didn't know what to say if I had to talk to Ricardo in person, so I figured that it'd be best to put it down on paper instead.

So, what should I write?

I was certain that he would think I had run away no matter what I wrote down.

I didn't want to write down where I would be because he would chase after me. And, it would only seem like I was saying my farewells if I wrote too much.

In that case, I would keep it short and only write down what I wanted him to understand.

And so, I only wrote, "I'll definitely return," and put the pen down.

I picked up the bag I had prepared and used magic to make myself invisible. I cracked open the door quietly so I wouldn't wake anyone up and slipped through. I took a cautious look around my surroundings but didn't hear any footsteps or feel anyone approaching. I decided that I would be able to sneak out without anyone noticing.

I walked down the hallway with silent steps. And I was surprised when I turned around the corner.

Alfred was leaning against a wall that I couldn't see from my room and was standing guard.

I doubted that Alfred stayed up to guard me every night, so I was unlucky that today happened to be his turn. I was hiding myself with magic, but I was nervous that he would find me out anyway using his sharp instincts.

I thought that I would be all right, however, since even Alfred had acknowledged my invisibility spell, so I held my breath and began moving.

But, right when I somehow managed to slip right past him and was relieved as Alfred remained motionless with his head faced down.

A quiet voice fell into the hallway.

"The merchant who lives in the building with the red roof near Mall Bridge will lend you a carriage without any questions as long as you have enough money."

I looked to him, surprised that he had noticed I was here, but his eyes were still tuned to the floor and he hadn't moved a muscle.

And, as still as a statue, he continued,

"I don't mind where you go, even if you never return, as long as it's something you decided for yourself."

He spoke like he was simply talking to himself and wasn't expecting a reply.

It didn't seem like he was about to stop me from leaving, so I silently waited to hear the rest of what he had to say.

"I've always been watching you carefully, so that I would never overlook even the tiniest aspects of your heart."

The words that fell from Alfred's lips pounded against my heart.

His voice, as quiet as a storyteller's, was concealed by the darkness of night and we were the only ones who could hear it.

It felt as though his words, strung together without any superfluous decoration and meant only for me, were laying his heart bare for me to see.

He wasn't even trying to look me in the eye, but I could feel how sweet he was even from just his voice.

"I knew this day would come someday. Because you're someone who's strong enough to forget your own weaknesses."

There was a bit of laughter mixed into his sigh.

He hadn't spoken a word about love, and yet I could feel it so strongly.

Alfred. I've been doing something horribly cruel to you.

Unseen to anyone else, I furrowed my brows heavily and bit down at my lip.

I had known about Alfred's feeling for me, and yet I had rested on my laurels and used his goodwill as I'd pleased. He hadn't even been allowed to confess. I had shown him that I trusted him, and in doing so I had tied down someone as talented as he was so that he could never leave.

What else could the fact that he had resigned himself to this fate and accepted my selfishness be called, if not kindness?

"You should just run away."

Even now, his words were kind. I continued listening while hugging my arms like I was shrinking back into myself.

I was a coward who was about to cast everything aside and run away at the eleventh hour, and yet he was confronting me and forgiving me. I didn't know what I was supposed to do.

"But, if you choose me as the person who stands at your side……"

Alfred lowered his voice despite the fact that everyone was asleep and did not seem to be waking up anytime soon and proposed,

"I will gently push you forward when you wish to be strong, I will protect you from everything when you are weak, and I will share any burden with you."

So…, he paused for a beat.

"Make your choice."

At the end, he was forcing a choice upon me.

His face looked so serious as I saw him in the darkness, and the depths of his feelings were so deep that I could not read into them.

He was a capable individual who had walked many battlefields. I was truly glad that someone like Alfred had allowed me to stand by his side.

He was a skilled mercenary. A considerate servant. A well-mannered man.

Each of these described an aspect of him, but there was still something to him that I didn't understand. There was a deep and mysterious shadow to him that drew in the interest of any woman.

Would there come a day when he'd let me see everything there was to him if I chose to spend the rest of my days at his side? He existed so near to me that I could not help but wonder.

I imagined a little of what my future would look like if I chose him.

I was fully confident that he would protect me from everything and fight by my side if I should choose to go with him. He was someone who's words weighed heavily. No one knew what the future held in store, but I was certain that Alfred would stay with me for as long as possible.

It was a very appealing proposal. I had no reason to refuse him. All I had to do was reach out to him, and I would secure my future happiness as a woman.

But still.

The only thing I could see in my mind were the cerulean eyes that single-mindedly sought after me. No matter what, I could not cast aside the knight who clung to me so frantically and leave him for Alfred.

I could never be skillful. This was simply how someone as simple and honest like me loved.

I froze in place while still hidden by my spell. I had to move my feet and leave this place, but each step felt so heavy and I could not move.

Suddenly, Alfred, who had been looking down this entire time, raised his head. Then, he turned to where I was standing. I felt as though our eyes had met.

Slowly, he moved forward and closed the distance between us little by little. He was now close enough that I could see his eyelashes.

He reached out for where he probably guessed that I would be. But his hand was just a few centimeters away from me and caught hold of only the empty air.

He looked to his empty hand, which he had reached out in vain, and smiled wryly as he spoke.

"How unfortunate. And here I thought I could catch you."

There was regret lingering in his voice, like a child who was letting the b.u.t.terfly he had caught fly free, but there was a hint of relief in it as well.

I bowed to him, knowing that he couldn't see me because I had hidden myself, and left without a single word.

I could maintain my will to fight for a single certain someone. My feet pressed further into the darkness as though they were clearing my lingering regrets away.

And I strongly vowed to myself that I would definitely return here one day.

A short while later, Alfred stepped away from where he had been standing in wait and advanced into the darkness. He opened the door that remained half-open and surveyed the room.

It was empty, as he had expected.

Still, the loneliness he felt after seeing the emptiness with his own eyes felt heavier than he'd imagined.

The room's owner probably didn't intend to return for an extended period of time. Alfred's eyes rested on a single sheet of paper that had been laid out on the desk of the otherwise cleaned-up room.

He stepped into the room and picked it up. He stared at it for a while before whispering,

"But I wonder……is he truly a suitable partner for Lord Halka?"

There was no one present to answer his query.

His question had arisen precisely because he had watched over the two of them from up close.

"Is he, when he doesn't even realize who she really is?"

Alfred never allowed his contempt for his employer to see the light of day, but he could not help the fact that his words, muttered for his own ears alone, were tainted by his true feelings.

He folded up the sheet of paper neatly and slipped it inside his pocket.

Then, Alfred waited for morning to come as he pondered over the meaning behind his actions.

*

I had desired that one single treasure since the very moment I first laid eyes on it. And I had thought that I had successfully gotten hold of it.

I had thought that I had strictly kept it within my reach and watched over it, as though I had put it carefully inside a box beside my bed.

And yet, I could not find Lord Halka no matter how many times I searched his room.

"Lord Ricardo……"

One of the servants who had heard the news and gathered called out to me in worry from the other side of the door. When I turned around, I saw that Alfred was among their number.

It seemed almost as though he, the man I had hired specifically as Lord Halka's bodyguard, was observing how disturbed I was as he remained composed with a cool look on his face.

There was no one else more trustworthy than he if you only took his skills into consideration. He was serious about his work. And I had paid him well.

But, wasn't he essentially useless if he allowed Lord Halka to vanish from my side anyway?!

Unable to hide my frustration, I raised my voice at him and asked,

"What were you doing?!"

"……I was keeping watch through the night, as I always have,"

Alfred answered calmly without flinching a muscle with his hands crossed behind his back. His response only served to make me angrier.

"You should have been standing by right next to his room. Why didn't you notice anything!?"

"I would have noticed an intruder without fail. However, I am not capable of stopping Lord Halka from leaving of his own accord. After all, he is undoubtedly the greatest magician in this kingdom."

I recalled something that had happened earlier as I stood dumbfounded by Alfred's almost accusatory words.

Lord Halka had snuck out once previously, had he not? If Lord Halka himself wished to leave, then I did not have the means to stop him.

But he had left behind a message last time. He would have left another this time as well, if he intended to return.

"Did he leave behind any sort of message? It doesn't matter how short or trivial."

"No, he did not,"

Alfred declared. I did not have the leisure to feel that something was off about how forceful his reply had been.

I remembered how Lord Halka had acted at the Magic Conference. I had intended to protect Lord Halka from any and all harm that could possibly befall him, but I had failed to protect his heart.

Lord Halka's rage had truly burned like a flame, and I had thought that I would get burned by it. But I was so sure that he had been looking to me at the end —hadn't he?

I was suddenly a.s.saulted by fatigue, as if I had aged several years at once. My legs grew unsteady, and I only just managed to keep myself from leaning against a wall and slumping down to the floor.

"……Everyone, get out."

I sensed the ever-obedient servants leave at my weakly voiced order. I didn't have the willpower to gloss over my unsightly appearance.

This was my punishment.

I could only believe that this was my punishment, not only for selfishly forcing him to be my master, but also for being so thoroughly useless and powerless.

I still failed to understand why Lord Halka had grown so infuriated. Surely, that was why he decided to cast away his useless servant.

I had served him with the confidence that I lived only for him.

I had adored him, almost as though he had stolen away my very soul. And that was why I could never bring myself to hate him, even though he had vanished from me without a single word.

I was able to feel alive each and every time the fires of life alighted in Lord Halka's eyes.

I could not help but admire him as he continued to face forward even as disaster and hards.h.i.+p struck.

To put it more concretely into words, I had wanted to offer my everything to his humble person. I had never felt satisfied no matter how many luxuries I had surrounded myself with.

And yet, I knew every joy in the world as long and Lord Halka alone stood by my side.

But now…

"Haha…"

I pounded my fist against the wall after a dry laugh had escaped my lips. The shadow over my face grew darker until my visage stiffened into something frozen.

I felt a familiar despair suddenly a.s.sault me. The despair felt multiple times heavier now that I had tasted hope.

I didn't know why he had left. But the emptiness of the reality I faced told me that I had committed some kind of grave mistake.

I no longer cared about anything anymore.

There had only been one thing that was important to me. And, I could do nothing but freeze in place without knowing how to proceed now that I'd lost it. I wanted to cast everything away. And yet, Lord Halka hadn't even granted me the permission to die.

Would this unbearable agony be lessened if I returned to a time from before I had met Lord Halka?

……But, I could I possibly wish for such a thing?

In that case, shall I sink into this vast despair as much as I pleased —since it's the only thing I have left?