My Second Life Is An Absurdist Power Fantasy Chapter 12

As if on cue to his thoughts, a deafening fanfare of trumpets exploded in his head, causing him to scream and jump flailing several feet into the air and causing Rose, Eleanor, and Madeleine to look at him with befuddled, weirded out looks .

["Congratulations kid! You completed your first heroic task!"] Frumpkin's voice said with what sounded like a mouthful of food . There was the crunch of what sounded suspiciously like someone taking a bite out of an apple, and Frumpkin's voice continued, loudly chewing between words .

["So, you feeling more heroic now, mister hero man? You finally feel like you've earned that reward I tried to give you earlier now?"]

"Dude, I almost got gang-murdered by a bunch of log-chucking goblins!" Jack thought

["Well, you were the one who was all 'unnnh, it's not cool to get free stuff unless I'm being all powerful and really earning it' or whatever . "] Frumpkin took another chomp out of whatever he was eating, and continued, the sound of his food smacking in Jack's ear loud enough make him want to punch a kitten .
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["So, do you feel like you earned it enough now, or do I need to throw you a dragon covered in flaming chainsaws first?"]

The mental image of such a thing flickered into his mind, but he immediately squashed it . No matter how cool he thought it would be to face down something like that, his recent experiences told him he'd last about . 8 seconds before being completely annihilated out of existence . And for the love of G.o.d he did not want to give Frumpkin any ideas .

" . . . yes . Thank you, Frumpkin . " Jack thought with a mental sigh .

["Excellent! Now, let's see . . . for a prize, would you like a companion, a skill, or an item?"]

Jack thought about it for a moment, and asked, "Can you make me immune to heat and fire?"

["What, and ruin your ability to enjoy your harem of 'super hot' women? Why would I go and do something like that?"]

Before Jack could get a single word out in protest, Frumpkin's voice continued . ["You don't get to pick what specific thing I give you . You just get to pick the category . Helps keep things interesting!"]

"But, you offered me specifics the first ti-"

["No, no I did not . You're imagining things . I would never do something like that . Now, moving on . . . what's it going to be, kid?"]

Jack thought about things for a moment . He now had several companions, so that was pretty much out of the running . And unless Frumpkin gave him a set of magical armor, he didn't really need any new items at the moment . So, a new skill seemed the best way to go .

["Alright, new skill it is . I'll go ahead and put in the order . Just give it a moment or two to kick in . You'll know when it does . Now, go enjoy some romantic time with your gorgeous new hot women! I promise not to watch . Ta ta!"]

And with that, Frumpkin's voice disappeared again, leaving behind a phone dial tone that droned in Jack's head just long enough to tell him Frumpkin was definitely doing it intentionally . He returned focus to see the four others staring at him with wide eyed baffled looks and furrowed brows .

" . . . what?", he asked .

"See what I mean, dad? He just blanks out for minutes at a time out of nowhere . " Rose said, pointing in Jack's direction without looking at him . "It's so weird!"

"Um h.e.l.lo? I'm right here!" Jack said, waving his arms at the two of them .

"Per'aps 'e is touched in th' head or sumthin' . " The man responded to her, completely ignoring Jack .

Then suddenly, out of nowhere, Jack heard the blast of a paper party favor horn, and a popping sound, and saw and felt brightly colored paper confetti falling down on his head . He looked up above his head, and saw a flas.h.i.+ng marquee sign floating above his head .

Rose and the man immediately stopped talking, and looked up at the sign . The man squinted at the sign, seeming to follow each word with his eyes as he read it .

And then, out of nowhere, he started laughing uncontrollably .