Lost In Character: Transmigration Chronicles Of A Nameless Heroine 50 The Funeral Xi

The Lady meant well. Hilde knew this was not an attack, but that was exactly what made the implied meaning hurt so much more. Even Yong Fan Shu's acting skills weren't enough to get her to keep smiling through it. Instead, she allowed sadness to show through.

Any other expression, particularly hard blankness, would have come off as unnatural – this was still in line with her tactic of displaying the appropriate reaction to what was currently taking place. It just so happened that this time around, the emotion did not need to be manufactured. It didn't need to hide anything else behind it.

"Lothar died so I could stop going down the wrong path?" Hilde said, making an effort to keep judgment from seeping into her tone. "I would have to be exceptionally self-centered to be able to see it that way, Aunt." Seeing Lady Ilse wince, she attempted to sound more lighthearted as she continued, "After I hit my head, I'm afraid my sense of self got knocked right out of the center."

She added privately, 'And that's not even a lie.'

"I'm…" Hilde tried to go on, not even really knowing what else she had to say on the matter.

When she found herself unable to come up with anything, it then occurred to her: 'I'm tired…' Of its own accord, her head bowed. 'Not just my body… everything. I'm tired.'

Why did she have to be dealing with so much else? Lothar was gone – that should have been all that was consuming her right now.

The Lady cleared her throat. "Well," she said, trying to sound brisk. "I must say, Princess, I find this off-centered self of yours… really promising. That was all I meant – there's so much more you could be, there's no need to limit yourself to a single option."

Hilde did not raise her slightly bent head, but she lifted her eyes and smiled a little. "Thank you, Lady. I'll keep that in mind."

She flicked her gaze to the Queen to see what she made of this only to find she'd stopped paying attention. s.h.i.+fting in her seat to signal she also didn't wish to continue conversing with anyone, Hilde sighed.

What her aunt didn't understand was that she wasn't "limiting" herself. Other than the one she'd been on, there was truly no other path she wanted to take. Lord Alfwin had known this, and that was why he was doing a much better job of manipulating her.

On the other hand, if Hilde were to a.s.sume that the Queen believed what she said earlier – that the Lord General didn't really want Hilde under his thumb, or that others would not work to turn "false expectations" into reality – that would mean the Queen truly was an impossibly deluded fool.

Had she really taken it for granted that the whole Queendom would eventually fall in line with what she wanted, simply because she believed her way was the right way? Did she really think they only needed to be corrected once, or be given enough time to see the light, and all her problems would go away?

If this was the case, the Queen was taking matters too lightly. Dangerously so. It seemed she even fully believed that Hilde was choosing her side over these would-be detractors'. By las.h.i.+ng out at her younger sister any chance she gets, the Queen risked driving away the p.a.w.n she thought she had in hand. Perhaps she believed the p.a.w.n possessed no will to leave – that she would take and take and take the abuse and never think she deserved anything better than that kind of treatment.

But no matter the reason, a proper player would simply not put personal feelings first when so much else was at stake. Whatever else Queen Heloise was, she had always been capable at what she did. Hilde had trouble believing that the Queen's seeming incompetence at the moment was not an act.

She s.h.i.+fted again. At this point, she just wanted to shut off her mind. She wished there was also a way to stop the voice inside her own head from going on and on.

"I need to use the outhouse, Mother," Gisela's gentle voice suddenly drifted from behind.

Hilde stilled. She didn't turn.

"Our senior maids will accompany you, they know where it is. Do you also need me to come?"

She heard the smile in Gisela's reply, "Only if you also need to go. Hilde, shall we?" At this, the person named had no choice but to look up at the caller, who was already on her feet. "You've been fidgeting," with a small giggle, her cousin explained the reason for the invitation.

And wouldn't you know it, Gisela was right. Amazed that the other girl had figured it out first when it was her own body in question, Hilde also stood. Before they left, the two princesses and their attendants bowed to the Queen. She was once again turned towards the white mausoleum and had nodded cursorily without looking at any of them.

Walking side by side, the cousins followed Lady Ilse's senior attendant as she took a path that went around the most outlying blankets on the left side of the spread. Nevertheless, countless eyes noted them and followed their pa.s.sage. Because she no longer had any medicine to fortify her, Hilde still made use of Frieda's a.s.sistance to save her strength, and though she didn't need to come, Nadia was ambling behind them.

When they were a few yards away from the tree, Gisela broke the silence, but the subject was far from the one Hilde had been dreading she'd raise.

"The Queen has not been herself at all, hasn't she?" Surprised, she braced herself and turned to the speaker. She found her wearing a look that was devoid of all judgment. "I thought she was only trying to be as strong as she could over your brother's death, but now it seems she's as affected as anyone might be – perhaps she's merely expressing it in a different way." Gisela grimaced slightly; it didn't seem like she believed her advice would be followed, but she still said, "Don't take her words and att.i.tude towards you to heart, okay?"

Choosing not to respond, Hilde retrieved her blank gaze and stared straight ahead. What her cousin said was true. It was yet another valid perspective. Inside, however, it reduced her to begging. 'Please, oh, please… don't muddy the waters any more than this… I can't…'

From out of nowhere, she felt the hand hanging on her side being taken. Gisela had stepped closer to her to intertwine their fingers.

Right then and there, Hilde nearly broke down in tears.

With Gisela, she didn't need to wrack her brains to figure out what the act was for – she didn't need to wonder whether or not it was sincere, whether she'd ask for anything in return for the kindness. All Hilde had to do was examine her own heart to know that the comfort and warmth she found in there were real.

Eyes glazing despite her best efforts to suppress her emotions, she grasped her cousin's hand tightly, as if holding on to a lifeline.

Lothar was gone; she now recognized doing so would take time, but she had no choice except come to terms with her loss.

Gisela was still with her. No matter what happens, no matter the cost to herself, she'll stand beside Hilde – she believed this to be true from the bottom of her heart.

And no matter what happens, Hilde swore, she will do the same for her.