Destroy Your New Life, Repair It, Destroy It Again By Doing Crazy Things While Screaming YOLO! 6 Jesus Or How To Aggro One's Duve

I have a little problem (yes again). Yesterday, I arrived in the city and I went to bed in the shabby tavern, the date of return of my illegal "holidays" being the following day.

Except the morning, when I woke up, I had some difficulties to get up… Being a RP player, I'll formulate in a simple and precise way:

I aggro'd my duvet and I did a critical failure at my dodging dice throw!

So the problem today is that I missed my trai… err no, my boat. I'm therefore stuck in the middle of nowhere, in the Empire, alone with the manager of a shabby tavern who do a bit of fis.h.i.+ng, and researched in all the Empire, as much by the imperial army as by the heroes…

So I have to find a way to resolve my problem, it is the problem…

The magic could resolve everything, but my only magic affinity is plant (and my only affinity is at less than 1%) and that don't have a lot of use…

I could float, but I don't have any affinity with water…

I could fly, but I don't have any affinity with air…

I could levitate, but my body don't have any aura…

I could move so fast that I don't sink, but I don't have any affinity with electricity…

I could harden or modify the texture of water, but I can't use any mud, nor rock, nor lava magic…

I could even do a plane, if I had materials, but actually, having to create all the materials and light the engine myself, I don't have any affinity to metal, to gla.s.s, nor to fire and to explosion.

With my affinity to the plant element, I could do a boat, but it's not strong enough and growing a tree is complex, I can only do little operations (maximum of human size, but the better is to do it of the size of a weed or seaweed carpet), even if I have an almost infinite quant.i.ty of mana with my items I don't think I ca…

And there is my idea!

Seaweed!

I just have to grow seaweed with enough air inside to float while supporting my weight, and do a path with it!

Excited, I hurry to search an artifact, in the ones I stole to the heroes' guild, to hold on without sleep, without food and without water for the few months of the journey. And adventure, here I am!

I directly apply my idea and start to run on a thin seaweeds bed that are growing and decomposing while following my steps!

After some minutes, I start to walk, exhausted.

This is at that moment that I become aware that the manager of the tavern is fis.h.i.+ng, not far, and just turned his head in my direction and is watching me with wide eyes.

I shout:

-I never said it to you? My name is Moar, but you can call me Jesus if you want!

-…

-Oh, and also, I split the bread, I see the future and my mother was pregnant while she was still a virgin!

-…

-Bye bye!

I wave a hand while running to leave.

It's quite fun. It's like an easter egg!

I run a few seconds before stopping running brutally:

-I said him my name, didn't I?

-Yes.

I answer to myself.

-I said him my REAL name, didn't I?

-Yes.

-So it means that the Empire will know that Moar, the best theoretician and inventor of Nyggloth, was there?

-Yes.

-So it means that the fact I came is not a secret anymore?

-Yes.

-So there is 100% of chances that they'll guess it was me in the city, think the destruction of the city was intentional, take it as a war declaration, and resume the war with Nyggloth?

-Yes, yes and yes.

-Ha ha ha! I always wanted to trigger a war! After my duvet, I finished by aggro the Empire! Ha ha ha!

-Qui aggro un œuf aggro un bœuf !*

-Ha ha ha!

I laugh while leaving again in the direction of Nyggloth.

[…]

I don't know how much time I walked, and in the journey, I had some problems (like waves higher than a tsunami and gigantic sea creatures) but I arrived intact.

Finally the ground! I'm walking on the ground! Not feeble seaweeds!

-YESSSSSS!!!!!!

I roar, all happy. I take ma.s.s transit to go back to my home, all happy, to find again technology, security and dry land. And soon I'll meet again my family! I think while whistling.

[…]

I arrive in front of my place, but the only thing I see is:

-Academy of magic theory? What is this s.h.i.+t??? What the f.u.c.k???

I decide to go ask some news to Merlin, about what happened exactly while I was away.

[…]

I arrive before the villpalace of pure SF style, and I see a silent crowd holding banners, and in front Merlin who is giving a speech, with militaries in attention left and right… I don't really see what's written on the banners, but I know what it is: national funeral!

I approach, and read one of the banners:

-Peace to Moar, the better of us.

Wuuuttttt????????????? WTF is happening here? Is it my funeral??? At that moment, Merlin start his speech, and everyone sit, but me, who stay upright like an idiot:

-Moar was a great theoretician despite his young age, he had a great talent, he is the creator of a lot of the theories that compose the new magic movement: the optimization! But he is also the creator of an amelioration of our system allowing the combination of technology of Beings and Nygglotian magic! Also, he's dead in a mission for his country, a mission he proposed himself to do ! This is why today, his funerals are national, those we give to heroes of their country, because…

I never proposed myself to do the mission, but it don't matter. What matters is that during all the speech, he was sweeping the crowd with his look, and just now, his look just stopped on me.

Seeing that he is watching me with the mouth wide open like an idiot, and that he doesn't utter a word, the crowd switch immediately it's attention to me… A few seconds of an idiot silence later, an uproar burst:

-Hey, he's Moar, isn't he?

-You mean, the one who's dead?

-Yes, I saw him in a magazine!

-No, he can't be alive, right?

-It's not his ghost, is it?

-What do you think, does he look like he's a ghost?

-It's true, he seems alive.

And here is the exact moment I know why I love Nyggloth: for the fame!

-But then, does it mean he's not dead?

With this thought crossing everyone's mind, the crowd switch it attention abruptly to Merlin, who don't really know what to say, and is watching me with a 'I don't understand anything' look.

Some might think that it's natural that everyone thought that I was dead, as I scheduled my funeral if I didn't come back, but the truth is that I had a little electronic device that check my vitals signals and send them to Merlin, by the equivalent of a Bluetooth, but with a maximum range of more than 10,000km.

I close my eyes, scan magically my body and my ring, and find the reason: one of the artifacts stop all systems of surveillance and spying to detect anything at all around the user…

I take it out of the ring, and place it in my open hand.

I know that Merlin is an extraordinary mage, and that he notices easily the details. Effectively, he nods slightly his head and explain to the crowd as to the entire nation through TV, the radio and all of that, that I was catch while in mission and considered as dead, but that I managed to escape to my abductors, and that an inspection to verify I wasn't traced by a spell have to be done. He signals me by a sign to enter.

It's perfect, I have 2 or 3 artifacts I have to get rid of! And also, doing everything like Jesus, from walking on the water to the resurrection… It gives a little style, no?