Isekai For My Ex 105 An Unsavable Person

Deep inside my heart, I was the one who couldn't forgive myself, no matter how much I told myself that I have already moved on from it.

In truth it was far from it,seeing Michaela crying that day made me realize it.

That's why I'm here.

To fight…

That's right… Just as what I have told her, I don't care where I die or how I die.

If it's in exchange for Claire's recovery.

I'd gladly shoot myself down, at this moment.

However, reality doesn't work that way, even in this fantasy-like world I have been transmigrated into, things aren't working my way.

First, I had a horrible life, bringing terrible luck to the ones I love.

And now, after just one year, what I have are the hands of a ma.s.s murderer.

I thought that this time, I will be able to atone for my uselessness, even when I stood by Ann's side, nothing came out of it, and the same thing happened again, and with those attachments it hurts even much more, seeing Claire's unconscious face while she was wounded badly, Gideon declaring Erneis death in front of my very eyes.

It was too much to bear…

Filled with too much hate, I decided to obliterate the enemy once and for all and killed as many as I could.

But a part of me is hesitating, the small part of me that clings to the hope of getting me back to my previous self.

So I had to kill that part of me which as the tiny speck of humanity left of me, or else I wouldn't be able to fight those monstrosities.

Noticing myself starting to get emotional, I shook my head to physically wake myself from these thoughts.

No matter how much I hate myself, one thing is more important.

I have to save Claire first, I don't know care happens to me after.

As the skies got filled with stars, s.h.i.+ning brightly and obnoxiously without a care to the pain and suffering I and the people of this land endured from the hands of the enemy. 

I turned back to Lyra, whom I was talking to earlier.

The girl who has been watching over me for months, a hardworking elf girl who does everything she can on the job she was given.

There she was, sitting staring at me with a subtle expression on her face that I couldn't read. No matter which world where you come from, women are a mystery — you can't tell how they really feel just by looking at their faces.

For the first time, since coming to this land of the elves, she was the first one who told me words I didn't expect to hear from someone who saw the horrible things I did in the torture room.

One time, after one of the most horrible torture sessions, she wiped my b.l.o.o.d.y hands casually without even flinching and told me to rely on her and her friends a bit.

She was honest and admitted not liking what I did, however she did state some important facts, which was something I also believed as I did the killings. It was a relief that it's not only me who thinks of it that way.

And at the end, she told me not to blame myself.

She was able to see the tiny speck humanity left in me that I thought I already have killed.

Maybe through watching me for all those months she was able to know me better. Even if it's her job, I still appreciate it, and because of it, for some reason I felt the load on my shoulders getting lighter.

And at that one moment, I decided to take care of this person as grat.i.tude for taking care of me.

She's not like the other elves who are wary of me, and only tries to become friendly with me because they have something to get out of it… she's different.

Being true to herself, too straightforward, and serious, she tries to do the job she was given to her with everything she can, aside from that she also has a desire to become strong as if she's trying to conquer herself.

I'm really glad I got out of my way to save this girl, as if fate made me go to her because she wasn't meant to die at that time and in that way.

If only fate was that kind to everyone.

If this war goes to our favor, I want her to live a happy life and find her happiness, like any woman deserves to be.

But as we looked at each other, I noticed her eyes getting teary-eyed.

Her eyes were beautiful, the obnoxious-looking stars when reflected on her eyes looked pretty this time as her tears slightly bent its reflection, it stared at me with sadness, as if knowing what I'm feeling.

Seeing it calms me down, seeing it makes me want to cry as well.

"Why are you cryi—"

Before I could continue, she stood up and embraced him tightly with her thin arms as she rested her head at my shoulder.

"Don't say… don't say something like that, Slaine.

Drop the tough act for now, doesn't it tire you? Just for now, at least? Okay? You're a good person, and you don't deserve such an end.

So please, okay? Don't think of your life as insignificant, because if not for you, I wouldn't be alive right now.

Can you feel it? The warmth, the beating of my heart, this is because of you.

Remember what I told you when we entered the new headquarters? You saved me, and not only me, you saved our race from that decisive battle that would have ended all of us.

I don't know if this is the right thing to say, but you have the right to… the right to love yourself, even when things didn't work back then, and you failed to save someone you are still significant.

So please… okay? Stop treating yourself that way."

Her action caught me off guard, I didn't know how to react, but for some reason I felt my cold heart melting, I felt it being squeezed, my heart wants me to let out these tears I have been suppressing all this time.

Feeling her warmth, I closed my eyes in order not to let out the tears,I have to do it, if I fight with a speck of humanity within me, I will lose again.

Didn't I promise myself already? I wouldn't be attached anymore to anyone? Now my actions are conflicting, and now I even got her worried about me.

Realizing my blunder I breathed in and opened my eyes, where I felt it wet.

I'm glad I managed to hold it in.

"Lyra… sorry for worrying you, but really… I'm okay"

"No… you're not okay"

"I'm really okay… so you can let go now"

"No… "

"You are surprisingly stubborn"

"Aren't you the one who's stubborn, I've heard that already. I wouldn't be able to get it off my mind right now if I don't do this."

"I'm sorry… "

"Stop apologizing… is that how you have been thinking of yourself all this time?"

"Yes… it's what I deserve, so you don't have to--"

"No, I won't let go… When I was little, my mom used to do it for me when I'm said, and Valeri also does the same to me also, as I told you before, I am here for you.

I'm sorry… I only saw you for your power… I didn't realize you were hurting yourself this much already."

"It… doesn't… really hurt… that much."

"Lies… there you are acting tough again, stay silent for now and let it out."

In silence, she hugged me tighter. 

Having someone cry for me for the first time, I felt my heart getting further pulled down, and this time I couldn't hold it anymore, and tears flowed from one of my eyes as it reminded me of how I hugged Ann back then when she was trying to act tough, but this time, I'm on the receiving end again, counting that night when Claire made my nightmares disappear. 

Ann is not here anymore, and Claire is at death's door if I don't end this as soon as possible.

"Is it really okay for me… to feel weak for now?"

"But I wouldn't be the powerful man you admire me to be"

"It's okay… even if you do, I would still admire to become a person like you. 

After all, you are a kind person… if you weren't you wouldn't be suffering so much right now, aren't you?"

"I'm not a kind person at all… yes, it indeed hurts."

"Yes… that's why you don't need to hurt yourself further, you have the right to forgive yourself."

"I… I… It's frustrating"

"Yes… you did your best after all, right? And it didn't work."

"I… I miss them so much… "

"Yes… but you'll see them soon right? You are strong after all. You have the power to end this and save your loved one who has been cursed."

"I'm… I'm scared"

"Don't worry… I'm here with you, always… "

"What if… What if it doesn't work out again… I cannot… I cannot… en-...dure"

Hearing her gentle voice consoled the unpleasant emotions I hid deep within my heart, and without noticing I was already crying, as if the dam that held my tears broke. 

The bandana that covered my mouth had already fallen to the ground, and I was already hugging Lyra back as tightly as I can, I can feel her warmth, and a refres.h.i.+ng forest-like scent of her clothes.

I was shaking… in fear… and in doubt… and in sadness...

"I bring bad luck to people… the ones I love… they died and got hurt because of my uselessness!"

"Mmm… " She shook her head.

"I'm sure those people felt fortunate to have met a kind person like you in their life.

Just like how fortunate I feel right now to meet you Slaine"

She caressed the back of my head as she told me this and leaned her head close to mine sideways.

"Slaine… your heart might be broken right now because of all the things that have happened and didn't work, but from now on let me carry it with you.

Let's fight this war, and our internal battles together okay? We are comrades aren't we? And right now, we are much closer than that, am I not right?"

"But… if you get closer to me, you will—"

Before I could continue, she placed her forehead to mine, as she looked at me in the eyes.

"I won't… I promise you… I'll get stronger so I can protect you, Valeri, and all the people in the resistance.

I'll also protect myself, so no matter what distance we have from each other, I'll make sure you wouldn't be suffering like this ever again in your life, okay?"

As our faces separate, I realized that she can already see my bare face.

However I wasn't bothered at all.

Seeing my face, her expression didn't change at all, she was still teary eyed and had the same smile as we separated from each other.

"You have a handsome face, Slaine, such a waste to cover it all the time"

She leaned towards me, smiling.

Feeling as if a big thorn on my chest has been pulled out, my response was a wry smile as I wiped the tears on my face and picked up the bandana that fell to the ground and used it as a mask to cover the lower part of my face.

"Don't worry, I'll keep it covered, it's a Lyra exclusive for now."

I replied as now, the lower part of my face is covered.

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