What's The Worst That Could Happen Part 18

"No," Dortmunder agreed.

"I figured," Andy said, "one thing you don't want your food to do is walk."

Dortmunder filled his mouth with toast and b.u.t.ter and jam and said, "I wonder where the h.e.l.l Fairbanks is."

Andy looked at him. "What?"

So Dortmunder chewed for quite a long while, and swallowed coffee with the toast and the other stuff, and said, "Fairbanks."

"I wonder where the h.e.l.l he is," Andy said.

"Me, too," Dortmunder said.

"He was supposed to be as regular, this guy," Andy said, "as a person full of bran."

Dortmunder said, "Things started going wrong when all of a sudden he's off the radar screen for the weekend."

"Maybe he knows you're after him," Andy said, and grinned to show he was kidding.

Nevertheless, Dortmunder took the idea seriously, but then shook his head. "No way. He can't know there's anybody looking for him, not yet. And even if he did, the last time we saw each other, I didn't look like somebody was gonna go after anybody."

"I'm sure that's true," Andy said, and he might have been smiling in an unacceptable way, but before Dortmunder could be sure one way or the other, Andy'd covered his mouth with his coffee cup.

Dortmunder chewed some more jam and b.u.t.ter and toast, and thought about things. He drank coffee. "Maybe there's something on television," he said.

Andy looked at him. "You mean a movie? Watch a movie?"

"No. Maybe there's something about Fairbanks."

Andy didn't get it. "Why would there be something about Fairbanks on television?"

"Because," Dortmunder said, "the guy is rich and famous, and Congress is pretty well known itself, so maybe when the one goes to see the other, there's something about it on television."

"Huh," Andy said. "I never would of thought of that. Could be you could be right."

"Thank you, Andy," Dortmunder said, with dignity.

After breakfast - they left the dishes in the dining room for the maid service - they went into the living room, where there was a television set you wouldn't want to carry around the halls. It was as big as a drive-in movie, a huge screen almost up to the ceiling that made everything look slightly gray and grainy; not out of focus, exactly, but as though it were a copy of a copy of a copy.

At 5:30 in the morning, there were things being broadcast on this giant TV that maybe didn't look as scary at normal size. Dortmunder and Kelp watched a number of programs with disbelief before they found a news channel - not CNN, some other one that promised a morning update of "congressional activities," which conjured images of congresspeople playing volleyball and Ping-Pong, so they settled down to watch the giant people of that station on this giant screen, who just kept on promising the congressional activities update while showing countless commercials of grown-ups eating candy bars intermixed with noncommercials of grown-ups shooting at each other. It was nearly forty minutes before the blond lady with the bionic teeth said, "And now the congressional update," and then another nine minutes of posturing and flapdoodle from other active congresspeople before paydirt was finally struck: Appearing before the subcommittee on entertainment tax reform this morning will be media mogul Max Fairbanks, chief executive officer of the giant entertainment and real estate conglomerate called Trans-Global Universal Industries, better known as TUI. Mr. Fairbanks's appearance is scheduled for eleven o'clock, when he is expected to tell a sympathetic committee that only by the removal of the World War II-era entertainment luxury tax will the American film and television and multimedia industry be able to compete in the global markets of tomorrow, by producing the top-quality artistic and entertainment production which the industry, with a solid financial base, would be able to provide, were it not for this onerous tax.

"Whadaya bet," Andy said, "this station here is one of the things he owns?"

"Pa.s.s," Dortmunder said.

So what now? Would Fairbanks be here tonight or not? He was supposed to, but on the other hand he was supposed to have been here last night, too. Figure he's got this 11:00 A. M. thing with these sympathetic congresspeople, where he's asking them to let him keep more of the money. Afterward, won't he take some of them to lunch or something? Or maybe they take him to lunch, at taxpayers' expense, just to help out the poor guy. Then after that he's not supposed to do anything till tomorrow, when one of his private planes would take him to Chicago.

So won't he come here in between, change his clothes, have a nap, kick back, chill out; whatever chief executive officers do? On the other hand, will he maybe show up here with a mob, a whole lot of people that two unarmed visitors from New York might not be able to deal with too well? That's another possibility.

"What it comes down to is," Dortmunder said, "I don't wanna lose this guy again."

"Agreed," Andy said.

"Was.h.i.+ngton's bad enough. I don't wanna have to do Chicago."

"Absolutely," Andy said.

"So we gotta lie in wait for him, but so we get him and not the other way around."

"Exactly," Andy said.

Which meant, after all, they would have to do the breakfast dishes. They needed to restore the place to exactly the condition it had been in before they got here, which meant not even taking any of the few minor valuables they'd noticed along the way, because the plan now was, they'd leave here but keep an eye on the place. Sooner or later, unless Fairbanks had changed his plans radically, he would show up, and they could return, and then they'd see what was what.

Housecleaning took about twenty minutes, and at the end of it they took a cleaning rag from under the kitchen sink, carried it out to the balcony, and draped it over one of the teeth there. That way, they'd be able to tell from down below, down in that landscaped area there, which ones were Fairbanks's windows. They also left the gla.s.s balcony door slightly open, which would screw up the air-conditioning, just enough to be noticeable. That way, when Fairbanks finally arrived here, they would be able to see from down below when the apartment lighting changed, and when the balcony door was shut. The theory behind it all was Fairbanks would a.s.sume the open door and the cleaning rag were the results of a sloppy maid service.

It was just after seven o'clock when they finished tidying up and leaving their signals to themselves, and they were about to depart when the phone rang. They didn't want to open the door with a phone ringing in the apartment, just in case there was somebody going by out there whose attention might be attracted, so they stood impatiently by the front door, waiting, and the phone rang a second time, and then after a while it rang a third time, and then a male voice with no inflection, one of those imitation voices used by computers, said a phone number and then said, "You may leave your message now."

Which the caller did. This was a human voice, male, the sound of a young staff aide, eager, trying to be smoothly efficient: "Mr. Fairbanks, this is Saunders, from Liaison. I'm supposed to come over there this morning to pick up the pack packs, but I'm told you're in residence at the moment because of this morning's hearing. I didn't want to disturb you, so, uh..."

Dead air, while Saunders tried to figure out what to do, then did: "I'll come over around eleven, then, when you'll be on the Hill. So I'll pick up the pack packs then, that'll be early enough."

Click.

Andy said, "Pack packs?"

Dortmunder said, "Maybe it's something to do with Federal Express."

Andy raised a brow. "You'll have to explain that," he said.

"When I first got the ring," Dortmunder told him, "it came from Federal Express, and it was in what they called a pack, only they spelled it different, like P-A-K. So maybe this is a Pak pack for Federal Express."

"A Pak pack of what?"

"How should I know?"

"Maybe," Andy said, "we should look for it."

Dortmunder considered that. "We do have time," he said.

The object they were looking for didn't take long to find. At the back end of the living room, away from the balcony and the view, was a small office area, being a nice old-fas.h.i.+oned mahogany desk with an elaborate desk set on it featuring two green-globed lights. There were also a swivel chair, nicely padded, in black leather, and a square metal wastebasket, painted gold. In the bottom right drawer of this desk, which wasn't even locked, they found a big fat manila envelope on which was handwritten in thick red ink PAC "Here it is," Andy said.

Dortmunder came over to look. "And another way to spell pack," he said. "These people must have all flunked English."

"No, no, John," Andy said. "Don't you know what a Pac is?"

"How do you spell it?"

"This way," Andy said, gesturing to the manila envelope. "It's a legal bribe."

"It's a what?"

"It's how Congress figured it out they could get bribed without anybody getting in trouble," Andy explained. "Like, for instance, say you wanted to give a congressman a bunch of money -"

"I don't."

"Okay, but for instance. As a hypothetical. Say you got, oh, I don't know, some lumber, and you want to cut it down and you're not supposed to cut it down, but if you give this congressman some money they'll cut you a loophole. But if you just give him the money, flat out, boom, here's the money, chances are, he might go to jail and you could be embarra.s.sed. So they invented these things, these Pacs, the letters stand for something..."

"That's more than you can say for the congressmen."

"Wait a minute," Andy said. "I'm trying to remember."

"Well, the P," Dortmunder said, "probably means 'political.'"

"Right! Political Action Committee, that's what it is. You give the money to this committee, and they give it to the congressman, and then it's legal."

"They launder it," Dortmunder suggested.

"Right. I think they learned it from some people in Colombia."

"So this is the Pac pack the guy on the phone was talking about."

"Must be."

"Andy," Dortmunder said, "does this mean that envelope's full of money?"

They both looked at the envelope. They looked at each other. They looked at the envelope. Reverently, Andy took it out of the drawer and put it on top of the desk. Dortmunder closed the drawer. Andy turned the envelope over, squeezed the metal tabs together so he could lift the flap, lifted the flap, and then lifted the envelope slightly so he could look inside. "It's full of white envelopes," he said.

"And what are they full of?"

Andy looked at Dortmunder. His eyes were s.h.i.+ning. "John," he breathed, "n.o.body ever gave me a bribe before."

"The envelopes, please," Dortmunder said.

Andy shook the white envelopes out onto the desk. They were all pudgy, they were stuffed really full. They all had acronyms written on them, in the same thick red ink. There was PACAR and IMPAC and BACPAC and seven more. Ten envelopes.

"I think," Dortmunder said, "we have to open one."

So Andy did. There was a very nice leather-handled letter opener included in the desk set; Andy took it and slit open IMPAC and out came the green paper, and they were fifty hundred dollar bills, crisp and new.

"Five thousand dollars," Andy said.

Dortmunder prodded another of the envelopes, like a cook checking the bread dough. "Five grand in each? Try another one."

PACAR: Five thousand dollars.

Andy said, "John, what we have here is fifty thousand dollars. In cash."

"G.o.d d.a.m.n it," Dortmunder said. "What a shame."

Andy frowned at him. "A shame? What's a shame?"

"I just stopped to think about it," Dortmunder said. "Saunders is gonna come pick this stuff up at eleven o'clock. We've gotta leave it here."

"John, this is fifty big ones!"

"If Saunders comes here and it's gone," Dortmunder pointed out, "Saunders calls the cops. Or at the very least he calls Fairbanks. And we can forget it when it comes to getting in here when Fairbanks comes home."

"John," Andy said, "are we going to let fifty thousand dollars get away from us because of one ring?'

"Yes," Dortmunder said.

"No," Andy said.

Dortmunder said, "Andy, don't give me trouble on "

"Just a minute here," Andy said. "Let me think."

"Sure. Think."

"We already opened these two envelopes, you know."

"There's more envelopes, and right there's the red pen they use. We can put it all back together same as it was."

"That would be a shame and a pity and a total waste," Andy protested. "Go away, John, amuse yourself while I think."

"I don't want to screw up getting the ring."

"I know, John, I never seen such a one-track mind in my life. Lemme think, w.i.l.l.ya?"

"I'm just saying," Dortmunder said, and at last walked away to the other end of the living room, by the slightly open door to the balcony. He stood there and looked out at the cleaning rag draped on a tooth, and beyond it at the early morning view. In the view at the moment were a number of people running, in the green landscape just this side of the river. These were running people who weren't in any hurry to get anywhere and who in fact weren't going anywhere in particular, and the kind of running they were doing was called jogging. So far as Dortmunder was concerned, that was the biggest misuse of time and energy anybody ever thought of. Think of all the better ways you could spend your time; sitting, to begin with.

"Okay, John."

Dortmunder looked over at Andy, who was now seated at the desk with something else on the desktop in front of him. "Okay?" he said.

"What's okay?"

"Come take a look."

So Dortmunder went over, and Andy had taken a sheet of TUI letterhead stationery out of the desk, and using the same red pen he'd written, Saunders, My secretary dealt with the PAC pack.

Fairbanks PS: Take this note with you.

Dortmunder said, "Take this note with you?"

"Well, he can't leave it here."

"Isn't he gonna wonder why he's supposed to take it with him?"