The Rolliad Part 41

HOW TO MAKE A SECRETARY-AT-WAR.

Take a man that will take any thing. Let him possess all the negative virtues of being able to do no harm, but at the same time can do no good; for they are qualifications of a courtly nature, and may in time recommend him to a situation something worse, or something better.

HOW TO MAKE AN ATTORNEY-GENERAL.

Take a little ugly man, with an _eye_ to his preferment. It is not requisite that he should be much of a lawyer, provided that he be a tolerable politician; but in order to qualify himself for an _English Judge_, he should first be a _Welch_ one. He must have docility sufficient to do any thing; and, if a period should arrive, when power has popularity enough to make rules and laws for the evident purpose of gratifying malignity, he should be one who should be ready to advise or consent to the creation of new cases, and be able to defend new remedies for them, though they militate against every principle of reason, equity, and justice.

N.B. The greatest part of this Receipt would make a MASTER OF THE ROLLS.

HOW TO MAKE A WARDROBE-KEEPER, OR PRIVY-PURSE.

Take the most supercilious fool in the nation, and let him be in confidence in proportion to his ignorance.

HOW TO MAKE A SURVEYOR-GENERAL OF THE ORDNANCE.

Take a Captain in the _Navy_, as being best acquainted with the _Army_; he should have been a few years _at sea_, in order to qualify him for the direction of works _on sh.o.r.e_; and let him be one who will sacrifice his connections with as much ease as he would renounce his profession.

HOW TO MAKE A PEER.

Take a man, with or without parts, of an ancient or a new family, with one or with two Boroughs at his command, previous to a dissolution.

Let him renounce all former professions and obligations, and engage to bring in your friends, and to support you himself. Or, take the Country Gentleman who the least expects it; and particularly let the honour be conferred when he has done nothing to deserve it.

HOW TO MAKE SECRET INFLUENCE.

Take a tall, ill-looking man, with more vanity, and less reason for it, than any person in Europe. He should be one who does not possess a single consolatory private virtue, under a general public detestation. His pride and avarice should increase with his prosperity, while they lead him to neglect and despise the natural claims of indigence in his own family. If such a man can be found, he will easily be made the instigator, as well as the instrument, of a cabal, which has the courage to do mischief, and the cowardice of not being responsible for it; convinced that he can never obtain any other importance, than that to be derived from the execution of purposes evidently pursued for the establishment of tyranny upon the wreck of public ruin.

[1] "What care I for the King's Birth-day!"

HINTS FROM DR. PRETTYMAN, THE COMMIS, TO THE PREMIER'S PORTER.

To admit Mr. WILBERFORCE, although Mr. PITT should be even engaged with the SOUTHWARK agents, fabricating means to defeat Sir RICHARD HOTHAM.--WILBE must have _two_ bows.--ATKINSON to be shewn into the anti-chamber--he will find amus.e.m.e.nt in reading LAZARRELLO DE TORMEZ, or the _complete Rogue_.--If Lord APSLEY and Mr. PERCIVAL come from the Admiralty, they may be ushered into the room where the large _looking-gla.s.ses_ are fixed--in that case they will not regret waiting--Don't let LORD MAHON be detained an instant at the door, the pregnant young lady opposite having been sufficiently frightened already!!!--JACK ROBINSON to be shewn into the study, as the private papers were all removed this morning--Let Lord LONSDALE have _my Lord_, and _your Lords.h.i.+p_, repeated to his ear as often as possible--the apartment hung with _garter-blue_ is proper for his reception!--The other new Peers to be greeted only plain _Sir!_ that they may remember their late _ign.o.bility_, and feel new grat.i.tude to the _benefactor of honours!_--You may, as if upon recollection, address some of the last list, _My Lord!_--and ask their names--it will be pleasing to them to sound out their own t.i.tles.--Lord ELIOT is to be an exception, as he will tediously go through every degree of his dignity in giving an answer.--All letters from BERKELEY-SQUARE to be brought in without mentioning Lord SHELBURNE's name, or even Mr. ROSE's.--The Treasury Messenger to carry the _red box_, as usual, to CHARLES JENKINSON before it is sent to Buckingham-House.--Don't blunder a second time, and question Lord MOUNTMORRES as to the life of a _hackney chairman_ - it is wrong to judge by appearances!--Lord GRAHAM may be admitted to the library - he can't read, and therefore won't derange the books.

A TALE.

At BROOKES's once, it so fell out, The box was push'd with glee about; With mirth reciprocal inflam'd, 'Twas said they rather play'd than gam'd; A general impulse through them ran, And seem'd t' actuate every man: But as all human pleasures tend At some sad moment to an end, The hour at last approach'd, when lo!

'Twas time tor every one to go.

Now for the first time it was seen, A certain sum unown'd had been; To no man's spot directly fixt, But plac'd--ambiguously betwixt: So doubtfully indeed it lay, That none with confidence could say This cash is mine--I'm certain on't-- But most declined with--"Sir, I won't"-- "I can't in conscience urge a right, To what I am not certain quite."

--NORTHUMBRIA'S DUKE, who wish'd to put An end to this polite dispute, Whose generous nature yearn'd to see The smallest seeds of enmity, Arose and said--"this cash is mine-- } For being ask'd to-day to dine, } You see I'm furbelow'd and fine, } With full-made sleeves and pendant lace; Rely on't, this was just the case, That when by chance my arm I mov'd, The money from me then I shov'd; This clearly shews how it was s.h.i.+fted,"

Thus said, the rhino then he lifted;-- "Hold, hold, my Lord," says thoughtless HARE, Who never made his purse his care; A man who thought that money's use Was real comfort to produce, And all the pleasures scorn'd to know Which from its _snug_ enjoyments flow; Such as still charm their gladden'd eyes, Who feel the bliss of avarice.

"Hold, hold, my Lord, how is it known This cash is certainly your own?

We each might urge as good a plea, Or WYNDHAM, CRAUFURD, SMITH, or me; But we, though less it were to blame, Disdain'd so pitiful a claim; Then here let me be arbitrator-- I vote the money to the waiter,"

Thus oft will generous folly think: But prudence parts not so with c.h.i.n.k.

On this occasion so it was, For gravely thus my Lord Duke says: "Consider, Sir, how large the sum, To full eight guineas it will come: Shall I, for your quaint verbal play, Consign a whole estate away?

Unjust, ridiculous, absurd, I will not do it, on my word; Yet rather than let fools deride, I give my _fiat_ to divide; So 'twixt the waiter and myself, Place equal portions of the pelf; Thus eighty s.h.i.+llings give to RALPH, To ALNWICK's DUKE the other half."

HARE and the rest (unthinking croud!) At this decision laugh'd aloud: "Sneer if you like," exclaim'd the Duke, Then to himself his portion took; And spite of all the witless rakes, The Peer and Porter part the stakes.

MORALS.

I. This maxim, then, ye spendthrifts know, 'Tis money makes the mare to go.

II. By no wise man be this forgot; A penny sav'd's a penny got.

III. This rule keep ever in your head; A half-loaf's better than no bread.

IV. Though some may rail, and others laugh, In your own hand still keep the staff.

V. Forget not, Sirs, since Fortune's fickle, Many a little makes a mickle.

VI. By gay men's counsels be not thwarted.

Fools and their money soon are parted.

VII. Save, save, ye prudent--who can know How soon the high may be quite low?

VIII. Of Christian virtues hear the sum, True charity begins at home.

IX. Neglect not farthings, careless elves; s.h.i.+llings and pounds will guard themselves.

X. Get cash with honour if you can, But still to get it be your plan.

DIALOGUE BETWEEN A CERTAIN PERSONAGE AND HIS MINISTER.

IMITATED FROM THE NINTH ODE OF HORACE, BOOK III.

_Donec gratus eram tibi._

K----- When heedless of your birth and name, For pow'r yon barter'd future fame, On that auspicious day, Of K--gs I reign'd supremely blest: Not HASTINGS rul'd the plunder'd East With more despotic sway.

P--TT. When only on my favoured head Your smiles their royal influence shed, Then was the son of CH--TH--M The nation's pride, the public care, P--TT and Prerogative their pray'r, While we, Sir, both laugh'd at 'em.

K----- JENKY, I own, divides my heart, Skill'd in each deep and secret art To keep my C--MM--NS down: His views, his principles are mine; For these I'd willingly resign My Kingdom and my Crown.