Among the Humorists and After Dinner Speakers Part 11

"What are they trying to play?" asked Secretary Olney, who accompanied him.

"'Hail to the Chief'!" replied the President, with a cheerful smile.

The chaplain of one of his Majesty's s.h.i.+ps was giving a magic-lantern lecture, the subject of which was "Scenes from the Bible." He arranged with a sailor who possessed a gramophone to discourse appropriate music between the slides. The first picture shown was Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. The sailor cudgeled his brain but could think of nothing suitable. "Play up," whispered the chaplain. Suddenly a large idea struck the jolly tar and to the great consternation of the chaplain and the delight of the audience the gramophone burst forth with the strains of "There's only one girl in the world for me."

The craze for giving and accepting coupons for purchases of merchandise, to be redeemed by prizes, was given a more or less merited rebuke by Nat C. Goodwin. He bought a bill of goods, and the salesman offered him the coupons that the amount of the purchase called for. Mr. Goodwin shook his head. "I don't want 'em," he said.

"You had better take them, sir," persisted the clerk; "we redeem them with very handsome prizes. If you can save up a thousand coupons we give a grand piano."

"Say, look here," replied Mr. Goodwin, "if I ever drank enough of your whisky or smoked enough of your cigars to get a thousand of those coupons I wouldn't want a piano. I'd want a harp."

He--"You've got to have a pull to get ahead."

She--"Yes, and you've got to have a head to get a pull."

A Southern lawyer tells of a case that came to him at the outset of his career, wherein his princ.i.p.al witness was a darky named Jackson, supposed to have knowledge of certain transactions not at all to the credit of his employer, the defendant.

"Now, Jackson," said the lawyer, "I want you to understand the importance of telling the truth when you are put on the stand. You know what will happen, don't you, if you don't tell the truth?"

"Ya.s.sir," was Jackson's reply; "in dat case I expects our side will win de case."

The Suitor--"They say that Love is blind."

The Heiress--"But nowadays he has a marvelous sense of touch."

A small boy who had recently pa.s.sed his fifth birthday was riding in a suburban car with his mother, when they were asked the customary question, "How old is the boy?" After being told the correct age, which did not require a fare, the conductor pa.s.sed on to the next person.

The boy sat quite still as if pondering over some question, and then, concluding that full information had not been given, called loudly to the conductor, then at the other end of the car: "And mother's thirty-one!"

One of the uptown banks, on a conspicuous corner, gained a bad name with the daily crowd of New York pedestrians. Its financial standing was of course beyond question, but its clock ran on a very eccentric and confusing system. The timepiece stood in a spot easily observable and was consulted for years in spite of its tendency to wander from strict accuracy. A woman excusing her lateness for luncheon said she thought she was on time by the clock in the bank.

"Oh, n.o.body can go by that," said her companion contemptuously. "We call that the bank where the wild time grows."

In a certain home where the stork recently visited there is a six-year-old son of inquiring mind. When he was first taken in to see the new arrival he exclaimed: "Oh, mamma, it hasn't any teeth! And no hair!" Then, clasping his hands in despair, he cried: "Somebody has done us! It's an old baby."

A prominent railroad man hurried down the lobby of a Binghamton hotel and up to the desk. He had just ten minutes in which to pay his bill and reach the station. Suddenly it occurred to him that he had forgotten something.

"Here, boy," he called to a negro bellboy, "run up to 48 and see if I left a box on the bureau. And be quick about it, will you?"

The boy rushed up the stairs. The ten minutes dwindled to seven and the railroad man paced the office. At length the boy appeared.

"Yas, suh," he panted breathlessly. "Yas, suh, yo' left it, suh!"

A Boston minister tells of a little girl friend of his who, one day, proudly displayed for his admiration a candy cat.

"Are you going to eat it?" the minister asked.

"No, sir; it's too pretty to eat. I'm going to keep it," the little girl replied, as she stroked it with a moist little hand.

Several days later the minister saw her again, and inquired about the cat.

A regretful look came into her eyes.

"It's gone," she sighed. "You see, I saved it and saved it, till it got so dirty that I just _had_ to eat it."

"Only fools are certain, Tommy; wise men hesitate."

"Are you sure, uncle?"

"Yes, my boy; certain of it."

"My rubber," said Nat Goodwin, describing a Turkish bath that he once had in Mexico, "was a very strong man. He laid me on a slab and kneaded me and punched me and banged me in a most emphatic way. When it was over and I had gotten up, he came up behind me before my sheet was adjusted, and gave me three resounding slaps on the bare back with the palm of his enormous hand.

"'What in blazes are you doing?' I gasped, staggering.

"'No offense, sir,' said the man. 'It was only to let the office know that I was ready for the next bather. You see, sir, the bell's out of order in this room.'"

"I want to know," said the irate matron, "how much money my husband drew out of this bank last week." "I can't give you that information, ma'am," answered the man in the cage. "You're the paying teller, aren't you?" "Yes, but I'm not the telling payer."

A lady once showed her little girl a beautiful new silk dress which had just arrived from the dressmaker, and by way of improving the occasion she said: "You know, dear, all this was given us by a poor worm." The little girl looked puzzled for a minute or two and then said: "Do you mean dad, mama?"