Disastrous: Cautious Part 11

I nodded and sank into the s.p.a.ce beside her. I had the worst pounding headache. The past few weeks had been a f.u.c.king mess. I dropped my face into my hands and leaned over, resting my elbows on my knees. Mia placed her hand on my back and began stroking it. "Are you okay?" She asked in a low voice.

"Yeah, I just have a f.u.c.kin' headache." I replied in a grumpy tone. She stood from the bed. I could hear her searching for something and then heard a door open and close. When she sat back down beside me, she tapped my arm. I looked up. She held out two aspirins and a bottle of water in her hand. Without hesitating, I grabbed the pills, tossed them down my throat, and downed them with water. "Thanks." I mumbled.

"So what do you want to do today? We can grab a bite to eat and then explore the city? Or grab a bite to eat and have a laid-back day with a movie? Or anything?"

I shoved a hand through my hair in frustration, not with her, just with everything else. I was in a c.r.a.ppy mood, and I knew I shouldn't take it out on her. "I'd rather stay in. We can do those things tomorrow if you like. I'm not up for exploring. Is that okay with you?"

"Sure." Even though she'd been playing it cool and not questioning me, something seemed off with her.

"Are you sure you're okay with that?"

With a slight smile, she twirled her fingers along the back of my neck. "Of course, Marcus, you wanted to get away to clear your mind. I don't mind staying in. We can order in and rent movies. It'll be fun." She nodded, rea.s.suring me that she was okay.

"Thank you." I leaned in and gave her a quick kiss.

For the next few hours, that was exactly what we did. We lounged around in our pajamas, watched TV, ordered in, and rented a few movies. We were lazy, and it couldn't have been a better day. My mind didn't drift back to all the bulls.h.i.+t. I didn't stop to think about anything that f.u.c.king bothered me. I just simply took that day to do nothing but relax with my girl. It was just what I needed. We made long, sweet, gentle love that night, and before we knew it, the late night crept in and we were fast asleep.

My eyes flashed open at the sound of a loud banging noise. I jerked forward in my chair. The area I was in was unrecognizable. It seemed as if I was in a vacant room in an old warehouse. I stood up from the rusted chair and continued to search my surroundings. Where the f.u.c.k was I? Slowly I circled around and tried to find an exit.

There was none.

How was that f.u.c.king possible?

The tarnished eight-by-ten s.p.a.ce only held one chair smack-dab in the middle. Beside the leg of the chair on the ground was a black-metal object. I made my way toward it, and as I got closer, I realized it was a gun. I picked it up and checked to see if it was loaded. It was fully loaded with six bullets. Confused, I spun around when I heard the noise again. Where was it coming from? It sounded like a rattling noise against a metal frame, but it didn't come from a particular area. It bounced throughout the room.

For the next hour, I searched in every inch of the corners, walls, and ceiling of the room and came up empty.

Nothing.

Just an empty f.u.c.king s.p.a.ce.

If there was no way out, how the f.u.c.k was there a way in? Frustrated, I sank into the chair and began going through my most recent memories. Images of Mia and I making love burst through my head.

Was she safe? Was she taken too? I gripped my hair as anger surged through me.

Lou. He was f.u.c.king responsible. He was responsible for everything!

He was the only one that could've done it. Why? What does he want?

Why can't he just leave my f.u.c.king life alone!

Then I stared into f.u.c.king s.p.a.ce as I looked back on the last fifteen years of my life spiraling out of control.

My father's death.

His gravesite.

Lou taking me in as his own son. The trust I had in him.

Jimmie.

Michael Sullivan. The doc.u.ments and the news he had of what Lou did to my father.

Michael's death.

Elle.

The drug exchanges. The murders.

Club21.

My mother.

The f.u.c.king lies.

Mia. What we shared: the love, the pregnancy, what she found out about her brother, the miscarriage.

f.u.c.k! With the anger burning through me, I shot the gun in the air three times.

Bang!

Bang!

Bang!

Breathing heavily, I continued to blankly stare into nothing.

I wasn't sure how long I sat there, hours or days, but every minute that ticked by my mind began to play tricks on me.

Who was I?

What had I become?

The more I sat there, answering my own questions, the more I hated myself. I was trying to be a better man, but I couldn't change who I really was. I couldn't give more. I wasn't strong enough. I was breaking down piece by piece.

I had tried to bury my memories six feet under.

But there was nowhere to run.

I was tired.

I was drained emotionally and physically.

I was done.

Finished.

I didn't care to beg, to live.

Lifting the gun, I aimed it at my head, and then I pulled the trigger.

I gasped for air as I awoke from the dream. Breathing heavily, I jerked up as my head whipped around. My body was damp with sweat, and my heart thundered against my chest. Dazed, I was able to confirm that I was still in the hotel room. My eyes flicked to my side as I heard Mia mumble in her sleep. Sighing, I leaned against the headboard and grudgingly ran a hand down my face. I glanced at the time. It was almost two in the morning.

I hadn't had a dream like that in a long time.

I pressed down on my eyelids until my anxiety calmed. After I was settled, I lay back down in bed and pulled Mia into me again. She mumbled as she nestled her head into my chest. As comforting as it was having her beside me, I couldn't fall back to sleep. I stared at the ceiling for the rest of the morning as I replayed the dream over and over again.

CHAPTER FOURTEEN.

MIA.

After I spread b.u.t.ter on the toast, I took a crunchy bite. The entire time I kept my focus on Marcus, even as I reached for the cup of coffee. As I took a few sips, I studied him. He seemed distracted all morning as he quietly sipped on his coffee and read the local daily newspaper. The previous day we stayed in at the hotel as he requested, but his mood hadn't changed. I knew what he was bombarded with was hard to accept, but there was no way I could comfort him without him allowing me in. Since we had left Boston the night before, Theresa had texted me non-stop. I had managed to keep my phone away from him then, but it had been a close call a few times. I had deleted all of her messages before Marcus and I went to bed.

"What time are we meeting your mother?" He finally spoke as he kept his eyes on the paper.

"Noon."

Marcus raised his wrist with his watch snugly wrapped around it and checked the time. "It's early. If you want to take a walk around the city, we should go now."

"Okay." There wasn't much for me to say. I hated the distance between us. He was sitting so close to me, but he seemed so far away. Brus.h.i.+ng those feelings aside for the time being, I stood up from the table and headed toward the bathroom before we left the hotel.

For the next few hours, Marcus and I strolled through the cool October breeze of Philadelphia's historic area in Center City. It was exactly as I remembered it. Several wonderful memories of my father and brother resurfaced as we pa.s.sed areas such as the Liberty Bell, shops on Market Street, and Old City-all places we visited when I was just a little girl. When Marcus and I pa.s.sed certain streets or stores which brought back memories of my father holding my hand or Michael and I racing down the city's pavement, I couldn't help the slight squeal or laugh that escaped me. It was a feeling that brought the memories to life again. Although I always thought of them, being there at that moment made the time we had together to seem real again.

Marcus reached for my hand and gave it a light squeeze. I looked up at him, and there was a slight smile on his face-the first I'd seen since he stormed into my apartment the night before last. His eyes were still lost in his own world, but that tiny smile warmed and tugged at my heart. Without controlling the urge, I leaned up and kissed his lips. "I love you." It was all I could say.

It was true, although I wished there was another word for "love," one that expressed how deep and pa.s.sionate my love was for him. The word "love" just seemed as if it weren't enough. I had a constant whirlwind of emotions that tugged at every inch of my nerves: I felt lost without his embrace, my heart melted knowing that he was hurt or confused, and my body reacted instantly to the simplest touch from him. The look in his eyes when he gazed into mine with so much pa.s.sion caused a wonderful and sickening desire that jabbed at my heart: Wonderful, because I could never have enough of him. Sickening, because if I were to ever lose him, there was no way I could recover from the pain. There had to be a word stronger than just "love."

"Love you too." He responded and I knew he did.

We continued to walk around until it was time to head back to the hotel. My mother, Megan, and Jeremy were meeting us at the hotel, so we could all head together to my grandparents' home for a late lunch. As we entered the lobby, I spotted Jeremy instantly. His short blond curls and piercing blue eyes were not hard to miss. He stood as he saw us approaching. Both my mother and Megan were chatting as they sat beside each other.

Marcus shook Jeremy's hand after I leaned in and gave Jeremy a quick hug. "Dude, I'm starving. Where can we get these cheesesteaks?"

Megan stood and reached in to hug me as she rolled her eyes at Jeremy's comment. "He's been talking about the d.a.m.n cheesesteaks for the entire five-hour drive." She whispered in my ear clearly annoyed.

Laughing, I pulled away and hugged my mother. "How was the ride in?" I asked Sara as we untangled from our embrace.

"It was . . . long." She quickly glanced at Jeremy, who had a puzzled expression.

"What?" he asked. Megan and Sara shook their heads.

"It's nice seeing you again, Sara." Marcus leaned in and hugged my mom to break the tension.

"Same here, Marcus. Happy belated birthday. Mia said you had a wonderful time. I'm sorry I couldn't make it."

"Thank you. It's okay. Yes, Mia and my mother did a wonderful job."

Sara smiled in response and then wrapped her arm around Marcus. As she led the way out the door by his side, she asked, "How is your mother doing?"

There was a slight tug at my chest awaiting his response, but when he did answer, it was in a nonchalant matter. "She's doing well. Thank you for asking."

I quickly padded behind them and out the building as I rolled my eyes at Jeremy and Megan's bantering behind me.

"Can you just behave for an hour?" Megan spat at Jeremy.

"Behave? What am I eight years old?"

Megan took a few settled breaths to calm down before she snarled. "You act as if you are."

"Whatever. I'm hungry."

"Ah, poor baby. Don't worry, honey. Mommy will fill your tummy very soon." I tried to bite back my laugh, but it didn't work.

Well at least she was learning how to handle him.

Forty minutes later, we pulled into the driveway of a tiny brick colonial single family home located in the Somerton area of Northeast Philadelphia. It was a corner home on a quiet tree-lined street with a few similar households nestled along it. We exited my mother's SUV rental and walked up the broken pathway toward the front porch. Leaves from the trees were scattered in the front. Some floated in the ceramic fountain that was in the center of the lawn. Sara, Jeremy, and Megan walked up the wooden porch steps as I hesitantly stood at the bottom. Marcus placed his hand on my lower back and firmly squeezed his fingers to comfort me, as if he were telling me that while he was there he wouldn't let anything bad happen to me.

I took a few deep breaths and walked up the creaking stairs, and Marcus followed behind me. "Granny." Megan squealed as she ran into the arms of an elderly woman who had swung the screen door open at our approach. I couldn't quite get a good look at first. Megan squeezed the woman and then pulled back to introduce Jeremy. Sara leaned in and hugged the older woman as well. "Hi, Mom, it's good to see you." Sara pulled away and turned to face me. She waved her hand for me to come closer.

That was when I saw her: my grandmother. She was short and fragile with dark grey hair that was pinned into a twist. Her gentle smile warmed my heart as the blue specks in her wide eyes gleamed. "Mom, this is Mia, your granddaughter."

"Oh, my dear." The older woman blurted as the tears began to stream down her wrinkled cheeks. She pulled me into a tight, warm hold. "You're so beautiful. Oh my. I can't believe how grown up you are. Let me get a look at you." With a sniff, she pulled back to inspect me as her eyes traced my features. "You look just like your mother, but you have your father's smile." That compliment gave me goose b.u.mps and brought tears to my eyes. I couldn't help but pull her into another hug. She swayed back and forth as we hugged and laughed.

Pulling back as I wiped my tears, I slightly turned to introduce her to Marcus. "This is my boyfriend, Marcus." Marcus smiled and reached his hand out to her, but she caught his wrist and pulled him in for a hug. I laughed as Marcus's larger frame overpowered hers.

"Well, come on in. William left to grab some cheesesteaks. Sara said that's what you all are looking forward to eating."

Megan shot an annoyed glance at me when Jeremy clapped his hands and began rubbing them together after yelling out, "Alright! That's what I'm talking about." Then he followed in behind Kathy, my grandmother.

"I might kill him before the weekend is over." Megan leaned into me and whispered.

"If I don't do it first," Sara added.

We all entered the tiny brick home and settled in the living room area. I sat between Marcus and my mother on the plastic-covered sofa. Jeremy and Megan sat on the matching love seat across from us, as my grandmother glided on a rocking chair after she provided us with iced tea. There was an awkward silence before Jeremy chirped in.

"You have a lovely home." He stated with a curt nod.