The Tale of Lal Part 36

_His Lords.h.i.+p_. "Well, it is in Court, better try for yourself. I only hope your efforts will be as successful as Little Ridgwell's and his sister Christine, to say nothing of the Lord Mayor of London."

_Mr. Dreadful_. "My Lud, I cannot treat with these people, it is like dealing with the wors.h.i.+ppers of Baal."

_His Lords.h.i.+p_. "Well, I really cannot sanction digging a trench and lighting fires all round it here in my court, to make it speak." (Loud laughter.)

After the laughter had somewhat subsided a slight stir was occasioned in Court by the appearance in the witness-box of Mr. Learned Bore.

In reply to many questions from Mr. Dreadful, K.C., Mr. Learned Bore stated all the incidents in Trafalgar Square which he had witnessed, and which had given rise to the present action.

Cross-examined by Mr. Gentle Gammon--

"You are a famous playwright, Mr. Learned Bore," commenced Counsel.

"I am a playwright."

"Do you write to instruct or to amuse?"

"It is possible to combine both."

"Can you give me an example?"

"Yes, this afternoon's experience in Court."

"Wonderful as that may have been, Mr. Bore, I suggest you have not written it."

_His Lords.h.i.+p_ (facetiously). "Give him a chance, he may." (Laughter in Court.)

"Of course," suggested Counsel, "you always enjoy reading your own articles in the papers."

"Oh dear no. I am only concerned with writing them."

"But I suggest you read them before you send them in."

"Never; the Editor saves me the trouble."

"Your articles have a ready acceptance, I take it."

"Always."

"The Editor is so desirous of obtaining your work, I suppose he is willing to pay a big price for it even before it is written."

"Yes, and before it is read."

"Indeed, so there must be a time when n.o.body knows what your articles are about, including yourself, as you never read them." Counsel continuing. "I presume you never contribute any articles during the time of the year known as the Silly Season?"

"On the contrary, my first effort in that direction has resulted in the bringing of the present action."

"You considered the Silly Season had started then, upon the night you met the Lord Mayor?"

"The Silly Season started then, has continued since, and appears to be at its height here this afternoon."

(Sweetly.) "Then you can congratulate yourself upon being thoroughly in the fas.h.i.+on. Now tell me, Mr. Bore, in your opinion, should we take the statues of London seriously?"

"No, in my opinion we should take them all down."

"All? Oh, surely not. Now, as an instance, let us go down the Strand."

_His Lords.h.i.+p_ (interrupting). "No, no, no, I believe the correct quotation is, 'Let's all go down the Strand.'" (Loud laughter.)

_Counsel_. "I have never heard the quotation, my lord."

_His Lords.h.i.+p_ (pleasantly). "What! I should have thought that everybody had heard that, the difficulty is not to hear it. I have even heard it set to music." (Loud laughter.)

"Now, Mr. Bore," continued Counsel, when order had once more been restored. "Has it never struck you that some of the statues of London might, for example, sometimes come to life?"

"Never. I cannot imagine anything less like life, than any of the statues of London."

"Surely the one in Court to-day is a good specimen?"

"If it is a specimen it ought to be in its proper place--in a case."

_Counsel_ (gently). "It is in a case."

"And I object to it being in this case."

"Sculpture is evidently not your strong point."

"Neither are ridiculous fairy tales!"

"You wish us to believe that you, a writer, are only capable of dealing with facts."

"I have not encountered any facts in this case at all yet, and I utterly fail to understand what anybody here can mean by facts after this afternoon's exhibition."

_Judge_ (annoyed). "Tut, tut! Facts are facts: this is a Court of Justice: I am the Judge; would you, for instance, regard me, _me_ as a fact?"

_Mr. Learned Bore_. "No, as a figure-head."

His Lords.h.i.+p shrieks in his highest falsetto--

"Remove this witness at once, he is flippant. Order him to stand down, or I shall commit him for contempt."

Sensation in Court. Mr. Learned Bore leaves the witness-box, hurriedly, and looking slightly scared.

Mr. Dreadful, K.C., wis.h.i.+ng to cover up the _faux pas_ as quickly as possible, rises and announces in explosive tones--

"Call the Writer."

The Writer entered the witness-box; inclined his head slightly to the Judge, smiled in the direction of the Lord Mayor, and was immediately bombarded explosively by Mr. Dreadful, K.C., whose pom-pom-like sh.e.l.ls whistling overhead seemed totally unable to disturb the Writer's serene calm.