The Tale of Lal Part 35

_Judge_. "Oh, well, why doesn't she say so?"

Then proceeded Cissie, heedless of all interruptions--

"I sees the wreath round his neck, and I at once thought of the Russian dancers----"

_Judge_. "Tut, tut, tut! what has the fact of the Lord Mayor of London having a wreath round his neck to do with the Russian ballet?"

_Counsel_ (in despair). "Not the Lord Mayor, my Lord; the Lion."

_Judge_ (testily). "Then will the witness please say the word Lion whenever she wishes to refer to the Lion?"

_Cissy_ (imperturbably). "I don't want to refer to it no more, 'cos I collared the wreath, and 'olding it over my 'ead I danced round the Square, just like the posters of them Russian dancers."

_His Lords.h.i.+p_ (irritably). "Which particular poster was she desirous of realising?"

_Counsel_. "My Lord, I think it must be the one of a slim and cla.s.sic youth dancing the Baccha.n.a.l with a wreath uplifted over his head."

_His Lords.h.i.+p_ (looking at Cissie's ample form completely filling the witness-box, murmurs), "No, I cannot see the picture at all."

_Counsel_. "Nor I, my Lord, believe me."

Then volunteered Cissie, "He gave me two sovereigns."

_Judge_. "What, the Lion? does he give money as well as parties?"

_Counsel_ (desperately). "Not the Lion this time, my Lord, but the Lord Mayor. Did you consider that the Lord Mayor was sober when he gave you this money?"

_Cissie_. "Lor bless yer, yes, as sober as his Honour there the blessed Judge himself."

_Judge_ (with complexion rapidly changing from pink to crimson). "Do not refer to me again in such a way. It is most improper."

_Cissie_ (obligingly). "Very well, my dear."

_Judge_ (very annoyed). "Do not address me as my dear, do not address me at all, direct your remarks to Counsel, please."

_Cissie_ (tossing her head). "Wot o'! now we shan't be long."

_Counsel_ (soothingly). "No, Mrs. Laurie, as you observe, we shall not be long now. Will you kindly tell me where you met the Lord Mayor, previous to your meeting with him in Trafalgar Square?"

_Cissie_. "Yes, I first met him in a Pantomime."

_Counsel_. "In a Pantomime; very good."

_Cissie_. "Yus, I was playing Princ.i.p.al Boy, dressed in a green velvet jacket, green ostrich plumes in my 'air, and a pink pair of silk tights. Oh, you should just 'ave seen the pink silk tights, bran new ones."

_Counsel_ (hastily). "Thank you, that is sufficient; a detailed description of the costume you wore is immaterial to the case."

_Cissie_. "Oh, is it? then I don't see the object of my being dragged 'ere if I ain't to describe my costume."

_Counsel_. "That will do, thank you, Mrs. Laurie; stand down."

_Cissie_. "Dragging me all the way 'ere, when the lodgers ain't got their dinners yet; fish to fry for the first floor, and the second back wanting macaroni with their stew, because they're I'talians."

_Counsel_. "That's enough, Mrs. Laurie."

_Cissie_ (still talking as she prepares to depart). "Oh, is it enough, Mister Grey-Wig? Well, I call it a darned sight too much." (Cissie here being persuaded out by an usher of the Court). "So the next time you wants me to leave my work in the middle of the day you can fish for me, same as the lodgers will 'ave to fish for their darned dinner this blessed----" (door of the Court closes upon Cissie, rendering further remarks inaudible).

_Judge_. "A most garrulous woman."

Here Mr. Dreadful, K.C., rose with an evil smile of triumph, that is to say, it was a cross between a legal smile and a snarl.

Mr. Dreadful, K.C.'s utterances rather suggested the m.u.f.fled discharging of pom-poms. Whenever he opened his mouth it was succeeded by an explosion of words, then a whistle by way of taking breath, another explosion succeeded by more whistles. Mr. Dreadful announced that before placing his client in the witness-box, he would state that all his client, the defendant's, written words were true in substance and in fact.

"The Lord Mayor of London had wandered out into the night, so had his client, Mr. Learned Bore. This gentleman, a playwright, journalist and writer, had wandered forth in order, no doubt, to get inspiration. The source of any such inspiration as he might have derived from the calm night had been utterly destroyed by the ridiculous antics of the Lord Mayor of London; inspiration had vanished, giving place instantly to a righteous feeling of strong condemnation that so beautiful a thing should have been so ruthlessly crushed. Fancies had fled, driven from their abiding-place by stern facts. Those facts had been embodied in a glowing article, destined to be distributed through the medium of the daily paper which his client adorned by contributions from his pen."

"If the Lord Mayor of London objected to the ridicule which his client's able article had heaped upon him--it was entirely the fault of the Lord Mayor. Any sober person, such as his client, must have instinctively supposed the Lord Mayor to be inebriated, when he was actually discovered arrayed in his state robes, coaxing the statue of a Lion to speak to him. Any Christian person, after observing this high Civic official place a wreath about this effigy, would unquestionably have believed him to be a Pagan, and a very ignorant one at that.

Finding it hopeless to either excuse or explain such conduct, the plaintiff in this action, which ought never to have been brought, that is if the plaintiff had been wise, had actually, with an impudent audacity unparalleled in any Court of Law, urged that this lifeless Lion not only talked, but made signs. I shall not cross-examine one single witness who has appeared up to the present in this case, they have sufficiently condemned themselves already."

"The last lady, with a wealth of unnecessary words and adjectives, had informed the Court that she was once in a Pantomime, and it is my firm impression that is exactly where all the other witnesses in this case ought to be, especially the child who had unblus.h.i.+ngly told them a long fairy story, and had attempted to sing them a song. A Pantomime was the proper place for them all, a fitting setting, and especially suitable for the Lord Mayor himself, robes and all. There, amidst the medley of such an entertainment, the Lord Mayor could coax Lions to do tricks, the sailor could indulge in his hornpipes and quaff dog's-noses. The child could act fairy stories, and sing all by himself, whilst the vociferating lady, who owned to a weakness for dancing indecorous solos, would be able to delight her heart by performing the Russian Carnival----"

_Judge_ (prompting). "Baccha.n.a.l."

"They would all be most suitable in a Pantomime, but not in a Court of Law."

"The one amazing thing which had horrified him inexpressibly during the case was the fact that his learned brother Counsel, Mr. Gentle Gammon, had so far forgotten his professional dignity as to declare that this Lion actually moved and spoke at times. He feared, and also he lamented, that his learned brother must be approaching his dotage. Yet in order to satisfy each and every one in Court, he, Mr. Dreadful, had sent an urgent and special messenger for a first-cla.s.s veterinary surgeon, having the letters M.R.C.V.S. after his name, and also for one of the keepers belonging to the lions' house in the Zoological Gardens.

Their evidence would now be taken."

Upon the appearance of the M.R.C.V.S. in the witness-box the Learned Judge saw fit to interfere.

_Judge_. "Have you ever attended a lion professionally?"

_M.R.C.V.S._ "Never, your Lords.h.i.+p."

_Judge_ (sagaciously). "Then what do you know about them?"

_M.R.C.V.S._ "I have attended other animals, your Lords.h.i.+p."

_Judge_. "Very likely, very likely, but a live a.s.s is a different thing to a dead lion." (Laughter in Court.)

_Counsel_ (for the Defendant). "_Better_ than a dead lion, your Lords.h.i.+p." (More laughter.)

_Judge_. "Not in this case." (Loud laughter.) "The learned Counsel for the Defence need not waste the time of the Court in hearing the opinion of either Veterinary Surgeons or experts from the Zoo. What the Learned Counsel ought to do is to produce Pygmalion." (t.i.tters in Court.)

Mr. Dreadful, K.C., rising to protest. "My Lud, Pygmalion is a mythical personage, and your Luds.h.i.+p knows he is of a necessity shrouded in silence."

_His Lords.h.i.+p_. "So is the Lion." (Laughter in Court.)

_Mr. Dreadful_ (still exploding and still protesting). "My Lud, I do venture to suggest that this Lion should somehow be thoroughly examined."