I Found My Heart In San Francisco: Karma Part 15

"Umm-hmm," Jamie murmured. "I love to make love, but every once in a while it's nice to just have s.e.x. Just nice, hot s.e.x."

"Mmm... just hearing you say that makes me want to have it again," Ryan murmured while she tried to position Jamie's hand right where she needed it.

The smaller woman beamed at her lover and wiggled her fingers teasingly, "Far be it from me to ever quash a good idea."

On Wednesday afternoon, Ryan knocked lightly on the door in the surprisingly quiet dormitory, and waited patiently for her friend to answer. It took her a while, and Ryan correctly guessed that she had been sleeping. "Hi," Janae mumbled, immediately turning to head back to her bed. "Come on in." she added. She fell onto the bed heavily, the springs creaking loudly. "I've never been this tired in my whole life."

"I know the feeling," Ryan said, grabbing a desk chair and straddling it. "I've had a few concussions myself. They suck," she sympathized.

"Yeah. That about sums it up," the larger woman agreed. She looked at Ryan through her droopy lids and said, "During my moments of wakefulness, I decided I'm not coming back - even if they clear me to."

"I don't blame you," Ryan said. "That team is a virtual hornet's nest."

"It is that," Janae agreed, "but my bigger reason is that I'm not going to risk another concussion. My scholars.h.i.+p is paid for the year, as well as my room and board. That's the whole reason that I play at this point - so it's silly to even try to come back."

"I can understand that," Ryan nodded. "If I had a brain in my head, I'd quit too. I guess I'm just too stubborn to know when to stop."

"You're not stubborn," Janae mused. "You're a jock. It's hard to walk away from a team, no matter how much they suck."

Ryan nodded. "There's some truth to that," she agreed.

"You'll make some headway," Janae a.s.sured her. "You're easy to like, Ryan."

"Thanks," she smiled. "So are you. I'm really gonna miss you, Janae. You were the only person I looked forward to seeing on a daily basis."

"Well, I'll still be around, and if I get into med school, I'll stay in the bay area after graduation."

"Med school? I didn't know you wanted to be a doctor."

"Oh, yeah. Always have. I've already got my applications in to U.C.S.F. and Stanford."

Ryan rolled her eyes and said, "I wish I could say that same. I still can't force myself to get going on mine."

"Where are you applying?" Janae asked.

"My main problem is that I can't decide," Ryan admitted. "I think I've finally decided that I don't want to be a physician, since I think research suits me better. The only problem is that it looks like I'd have many more opportunities if I were a medical doctor. But I hate the thought of going to med school when I don't want to practice medicine."

"What field are you most interested in?" Janae asked.

"Honestly?" Ryan asked. At Janae's nod she said, "That's another problem. I like biology as well as math. I really can't decide. I know that if I get my Ph.D. in math, that I'd be giving up biology permanently, and I don't want to do that."

"Why not get your Ph.D. in bio, then? You could focus more on the mathematical aspects of biology."

"I guess I could do that," Ryan mused. "I'm getting a lot of pressure from the math department to continue on - and that's where my real talents lie." She shrugged and said, "I get so confused that I just try to put it out of my mind."

"But what do you like, Ryan? What would make you happy?"

Rocking in the chair for a moment, Ryan turned to her friend and said, "I'd love to work on some basic research in genetics. With the Human Genome Project just finis.h.i.+ng up their mapping of the gene pool, I think there will be some fantastic opportunities in the next few years. I'd really love to help unlock the building blocks of our species," she said, her eyes bright with interest. "Part of the reason I don't want to be a physician is that I want to help as many people as possible. Doing some basic, pure research seems like the best way to do that. One day we'll be able to cure dozens of diseases with genetic engineering - and I'd love to help make that possible."

Janae looked at her for a long while, finally nodding her head. "Looks to me like you only have one option. You're gonna have to go for a joint M.D./Ph.D."

Ryan grabbed her head with her hands and moaned, "I've really tried to avoid thinking about that! Must you pull me from my denial?"

Laughing softly, Janae joked, "Hey, it's only a six or seven year commitment, pal. Then, of course, you have to do a residency. Piece o'cake!"

"Jamie's not gonna like this," Ryan predicted. "She's not gonna like this one little bit."

When Ryan entered the locker room later that day, the place was empty. She went into the separate area to use the rest room, and when she returned to the main room she heard her name mentioned. She wasn't sure, but she thought she recognized the voices as Lily and Hilary from over the tops of the lockers that separated them. "She's been with the team for like two seconds," one of the voices said. "Why would you put someone with no experience in over someone like Ella?"

"I don't have a clue," the other woman whispered loudly. "How's Ella supposed to get any experience if she doesn't get to play?"

"Ella's really p.i.s.sed. She thinks it looks really bad to put a forward in over her and Jaleesa."

"It does!" the other woman agreed. "I mean, how bad must you be if someone who doesn't know how to play your position gets to start over you. Ella's humiliated!"

"Derrick says he heard that you know who was gay. Do you think she is?"

"Oh, yeah!" the other woman chuckled. "That was her girlfriend with her on the Colorado trip. They're like married or something."

"Good!" the first speaker laughed. "Jarret keeps saying how hot he thinks she is. That ought to shut him up."

"Maybe he'd like it," the other one giggled. "Guys love to fantasize about lesbians."

Ryan rolled her eyes, having heard the comment too many times to count. "No way!" the voice that Ryan a.s.sumed was Lily, said. "Jarret's old girlfriend turned lesbian. He's totally weirded out about d.y.k.es. Once he finds out, he won't even want me in the locker room with her! I'm staying as far from her as I can get."

"Oh, she's not interested in you," Hilary chuckled. "She's all over that girlfriend of hers. I'm really glad coach doesn't let her go on trips with us any more, though. I don't mind being around gay people, but I hate it when they insist on shoving it in your face. They should just keep that kinda thing private."

Since Ryan was separated from the women by a set of lockers, they would have never known she was there had Lynette not come in right then. "Hi, Ryan," she said loudly. "Ready to get to work?"

There was immediate silence from the other side of the lockers. Ryan rolled her eyes, and decided that she had her work cut out for her to win over this little clique as well.

Practice did not go well. Everyone was lethargic, and play was sloppy at best. They worked on a set of plays with Janet at point guard, Franny as the off guard, Drzislava and Wendy playing forward, and Ryan in at center. No matter how many times they tried to execute one particular play, the ball never got to Ryan. She had a sneaking suspicion that Janet was intentionally trying to screw with her, but Ryan wasn't about to say so. Janet wasn't as considerate, however. She pointed the finger at Ryan continually, until Coach Hayes finally asked her what the problem was.

"She's not in position," Janet complained. "Every time I try to throw the ball to her, all I see is her back."

"Concentrate on getting into position, Ryan," the coach reminded her. "Janet has a point. You look like you're still playing forward out there."

Ryan nodded and tried to change her style, but she wasn't doing very well at it. The practice dragged on, with everyone growing more frustrated. Seven o'clock finally rolled around, and Ryan breathed a heavy sigh of relief. She went into the locker room and tossed her wet jersey and shorts into the laundry, and slipped into a dry set of clothes. On her way out she made eye contact with the coach, and saw the disappointment in her eyes. She wasn't sure why she did it, but she approached her and asked, "Got a few minutes?"

Shrugging her shoulders wearily, Coach Hayes motioned Ryan towards her office. She sat down and nodded towards the empty chair, and Ryan sat and faced her. "Coach, if you want me to play the low-post, I promise to do whatever I can to learn the position. I know it's not going to be easy, and I know you'll be frustrated with me - but I promise I'll do my best."

The older woman nodded. "I think I know that, Ryan. No one works harder than you do at practice."

"I must admit that I'm puzzled as to why you chose me," she said. "I think I'd make a better point guard than a center."

For the first time since she met her, Mary Hayes actually laughed. "It must be late, because I'm slap-happy," the coach said. "The thought of your 75 inches dribbling that ball up the court is just too funny."

"It is," Ryan chuckled. "But I always play point guard when I play with my family. I'm the short one," she grinned.

"I a.s.sume there's a point to this story?"

"Yeah. There is. I'm wondering if you'd have any interest in mixing things up a little."

"Such as?"

"Well, you must have a good reason for playing me over Jaleesa and Ella, and I know it's not because you think I'm going to be good. I saw your face tonight, Coach, and you looked profoundly disappointed in me."

She nodded, saying, "I was hoping for a miracle. I know this isn't your position, but I still feel more comfortable with you than with either of them."

"Okay," Ryan said, her enthusiasm growing. "Then why not let me do what I'm best at?"

"And that would be ...?"

"Let me play center like a third forward," Ryan suggested. "I'm never going to be able to bang bodies with the really big girls in the league, and I have no experience playing with my back to the basket. That's a skill that takes years to learn, Coach, and we don't have time for that."

"But if you played as a third forward ...?"

"Then I could use the skills I already have," Ryan explained. "And not only that, it would confuse the h.e.l.l out of our opponents until they got used to it."

Mary Hayes leaned back in her chair and gazed at the earnest young woman who had just pled her case. She nodded her head slightly and said grudgingly, "Well, given how you practiced this afternoon, I suppose we don't have many options. I'm willing to give it a try. Will you work your a.s.s off between now and this weekend's tournament?"

"I'll come early, I'll stay late, I'll sweep the floor when we're done," Ryan grinned.

"Don't go crazy, Ryan," the coach insisted, a very small grin curling her mouth. "You have your work cut out for you just doing your own job."

"I can't tell you how much I'm going to miss this," Jordan said wistfully from her perch on the landing of the stairs leading to the neat back yard of the Berkeley house. She and Ryan were both sitting with their long legs dangling over the side, watching their friends dance to the music provided by the ma.s.sive boom box that Mia had brought down from her room.

"Yeah, it's tough to have a party outdoors in December in Colorado Springs," Ryan teased.

"That's the last thing I care about," she said somberly as Ryan straightened up a bit to look at her. Jordan had been giving off depressed vibes all week, but didn't really seem as if she wanted to talk, so Ryan had let her be. Tonight, however, she was in one of her introspective moods, and it was obvious that she had some things to get off her chest.

Ryan placed her hand on her friend's smoothly muscled thigh and asked, "What do you care about?"

She chuckled a little as she took a long draught of her beer. "I feel like a kid leaving home for the first time," she admitted with an embarra.s.sed blush. "It sounds funny, but I really feel like we've created our own little family in these last few months. I feel like I belong."

Ryan snaked a long arm around her shoulders as Jordan dropped her head onto her friend's chest. "It doesn't sound funny at all," she said quietly. "I feel exactly the same." After a moment she added, "I have a lot of people in my life that I'm close to, but it's always been hard for me to forge close friends.h.i.+ps with women - especially those that I don't sleep with," she clarified with a smirk.

Jordan blinked slowly and said, "It's too weird to think of sleeping with you. I mean... I had a little crush on you when we first met, but in no time at all I stopped thinking of you like that."

Ryan smiled and said, "Well, since I was with Jamie when you and I met, I never got the crush thing. It's funny though - I very quickly started to think of you as a sister. I think it's because we're so much alike it seems like we share a common gene pool."

"Yeah, it does seem like that," Jordan agreed softly. "I'm really going to miss you, Ryan. You've been a great friend, and if I got to pick a sister - it would be you."

"Hey, you sound like this is the end of our friends.h.i.+p," Ryan complained. "You'd better not be trying to dump me so readily."

"I have no intention of dumping you," she said. "But we probably won't see each other for the better part of a year if I make the team. We play almost straight through until the Olympics finish in October."

"You won't come home for Christmas?"

"The schedule only provides for two days off," she said glumly. "I don't think I can afford the air fare for such a short visit."

"Well, maybe something will turn up," Ryan said obliquely. "So, besides me, what will you miss?"

"Well, Jamie of course," she drawled, giving Ryan a sidelong look.

"Anyone else?"

She shook her head unhappily as she mused, "I had such firm ideas about not getting involved with anyone. I knew that volleyball was my focus, and I should have kept to my plan." She looked up at Ryan helplessly as she held her graceful hands out in front of her. "How did I let this happen?"

"I told you, pal, you don't have much choice when it hits you." She leaned back and gazed at her friend for a moment, then asked, "Do you love her?"

"Of course I do," she said with a note of resignation in her voice. "I mean, I guess it could just be the fact that I'm leaving, but I feel sick about leaving her. I didn't think this could happen so suddenly, Ryan. I have plans!"

"Have you told her?" Ryan asked quietly. Jordan shook her head briskly, and Ryan could see the chills run up her body. "Hey, it's not a bad thing," Ryan said gently. "Would it be so bad to have a steady girlfriend?"

"It's just not how I planned things, Ryan. I wanted to be free this year. I didn't want to be pining for someone 1000 miles away."

"We don't always get to choose the timetable for our lives," she said as she gave Jordan another squeeze. "Don't you think you owe it to each other to at least talk about it?"

"I don't know, Ryan. If I were going to be here permanently, I think we might have a chance. But Mia's... you know how Mia is," she said with a smile. "I think she might need close supervision."

"I think you're selling her short," Ryan corrected. "She was completely faithful to her boyfriend until they were just about broken up."

"Oh, I don't mean that she'd cheat on me," Jordan said quickly. "She hasn't been in a relations.h.i.+p with a woman before, and as you know, people tend to need a lot of hand holding to get comfortable with that. I'm afraid that she might waver in her lesbian resolve if I'm not here to work things through with her."

Ryan c.o.c.ked her head and gave her friend a wry smirk. "When did you become the lesbian voice of experience?"

"I'm not," she agreed, blus.h.i.+ng a bit. "But I think I know who I am, now. It feels right to call myself a lesbian, even if I'm not willing for the world to know. But Mia's in a very different s.p.a.ce. She's just a visitor to our land, Ryan. I'm afraid she might want to go back to her home country if I'm not around."

"Shouldn't she be able to decide if she's willing to give it a try?" Ryan asked.

"Yes, and if I were going to be here, I'd trust that she'd be able to make an informed decision. But I'm not going to be here, Ryan. I'm going to be very far away, and it just feels unfair to expect her to wait around for me. G.o.d knows how long I'll be gone," she said glumly.

"I guess I see your point," Ryan mused, "and it would be hard to carry on a long distance relations.h.i.+p, but is it fair to give up without trying?"

Jordan rubbed her face with her hands in an irritated gesture. "I've been kicking that around in my mind all week," she admitted. "It was so hard to focus on my exams, when she was all I could think about." She leaned back and sighed, "This is too much, Ryan. We're both really upset about my leaving. Things are just too emotionally volatile right now for me to think clearly. I think it's safer to just see how things go. I should be able to get a read on her after I've been gone for a while."

"You could just ask her," Ryan pointed out. "Or bite the bullet and tell her how you feel."

"Now where's the challenge in that?" she laughed as she gracefully rose to her feet. "Come on, Boomer," she said as she extended a hand. "Let me show you how to dance."

There were about 40 people jammed into the small yard. Many of the players had brought dates, but the dancing had been very free form, with everyone dancing together, rather than pairing off. As the evening wore on, the volunteer DJ's had mixed in an occasional slow, romantic song, and when one such song began, Mia found the guest of honor and took her hand. "Dance with me?" she asked.

With a puzzled look, Jordan said, "Uhm... I don't think this is a very good one to dance to, honey."

"Why not? We like this song."

"I know, Mia, but..." she looked around at the five heteros.e.xual couples moving to the beat and said, "we won't be able to blend in, baby."