The Onion Presents Part 5

More resistant to heavy wear and tear than ordinary street wh.o.r.es, these high-performance prost.i.tutes provide Chicago residents with optimal handling under the roughest of conditions, a firmer grip on ultra-slick surfaces, as well as greater rear-end balance. In addition to improved start and stop capabilities, the prost.i.tutes are also able to absorb the b.u.mpiest of rides.

"I'm the kind of guy who likes to feel in control at all times, and cold-weather prost.i.tutes give me just that," said resident Charles Wentel, adding that he was first turned on to the seasonal wh.o.r.es by his father. "With other prost.i.tutes I would always worry about how they'd react to unpredictable situations or whether they had the flexibility necessary to take on any and all jobs."

"I've sh.e.l.led out a lot of money for a lot of hookers in my life, and let me tell you these cold-weather babies are by far the best," Wentel added. "You won't find me riding around with anything less this winter."

According to local dealers and distributors of winter-ready prost.i.tutes, most summer hookers "have very little life left in them" by Thanksgiving and can "hardly be trusted" to manage street corners through the winter.

"You can rotate your old wh.o.r.es, tie them up in chains, dress them up any and each way you like, but it won't make a bit of a difference," said Dale Huza, who peddles cold-weather prost.i.tutes in nine different downtown locations. "Since getting in the business five years ago, I've yet to hear of a single customer who's been let down by these hookers. h.e.l.l, I even use them myself."

Often selected as among the safest wh.o.r.es on the market, cold-weather prost.i.tutes are also a popular choice for those who have families to think about.

"As a husband and father of two boys, I demand a lot from my call girls," said Henry Greenman, who admitted to having an easier time sleeping at night since picking up some cold-weather prost.i.tutes. "After all, there's no way I can be taking risks with unsafe tramps knowing the effect they could have on my family."

"Sure they may cost a little more, but as I've always said, you can't put a price on peace of mind," he added.

Many members of the Chicago business community have come out in favor of cold-weather prost.i.tutes.

Managers, employees, and two custodians at South Side Automotive strongly recommend the hookers this season, claiming that in a series of "side-by-side" tests conducted behind their premises, cold-weather prost.i.tutes outperformed regular prost.i.tutes in every winter trial.

"More than any other prost.i.tutes we've come across, there's nothing these hookers can't and won't withstand, no environment you can put them in where they won't do what's required of them," owner Mike Watlak said. "I give cold-weather prost.i.tutes my and my company's personal stamp of approval."

NEWS IN PHOTOS.

Rommel, Hummel Dominate Parents' Christmas List

NEWS IN BRIEF.

Biden Winks After Offering To Buy Eggnog For White House Christmas Party WAs.h.i.+NGTON-During an unexpected visit Thursday to an organizational meeting for this year's White House Christmas party, Vice President Joe Biden winked mischievously as he offered to "handle" the eggnog supply for the upcoming annual event. "Uncle Joe's got the nog under control," said Biden, briefly flas.h.i.+ng a metal flask protruding from the inside pocket of his suit jacket. "Old family recipe." Biden's appearance among White House event planners was his first since last May, when he offered to procure "some real fireworks" for the upcoming Fourth of July festivities

OPINION.

Holiday Time Means Time For The Holiday Movies Time The Silver Screen by Archie "Arch" Danielson Jingle your bells over to the bijou, because it is now the holiday season that is the season when we have Christmas and the other holidays that so many families enjoy while spending time together in reverence and watching movies on the Silver Screen.

And because it is the holidays, I thought I would take a moment to reflect on some of the great holiday movies of days past and talk about the bad holiday movies of today, which are not very good. Merry Christmas!

I went to see a movie called The Jingle Way Man that is about a man who must go shopping for a toy because he wishes to spread some holiday cheer to his young son. (I do not have any children of my own, but I have spent many a year buying a present for my nephew Kenneth, who is now 27 and never comes over, even when I call him and tell him the gutter is full of garbage.) And in this movie the man was of foreign heritage. He spoke with a heavy accent and carried himself in a most amusing manner because he kept falling over into the fountain, and once he even dropped a bunch of packages onto a broad's head and broke her hat.

There was also a mailman in the film who was chasing the man, and they both made jacka.s.ses of themselves. Although maybe that was a different movie. In conclusion, there are better movies to see than Jingling To The Mall this holiday season.

When I was a young man of 24 (that was many years ago!) I used to go shopping in the downtown area of our city, and there were tiny elves in store windows, and the lights, oh, how they sparkled in the night and people would ring bells that made the air sound like it was full of ringing bells!

Then there was the Christmas season when I first started courting the ladies. Ah, I remember it as if it were only a few years ago. For example, there was the one woman named Clandice whose brother was a roustabout at the local carnival. But the carnival was closed during the holidays, and that was just fine with me and Clandice because it was too cold to take a spin on the ferris wheel, anyhow. So Clandice and I would walk down to the lake where men of character could be seen ice fis.h.i.+ng, and then once I caught her under the mistletoe and gave her a smooch right in her bathroom!

Those were the days! And we would go to holiday movies that would make you happy to be watching, such as The Nuns And The Bells, which was about some women who ran a school and they were dressed as nuns, I think because they were nuns. And these women taught the boys to box and to always remember their school.

Why do no children today have the school spirit? I was proud to attend Beaver Dam High School, though I did not go to college because I was anxious to join the service and see the sights. Then in the movie it was Christmas Eve, and one little girl didn't have any parents except for a mother. And her mother was a common harlot, so the girl did bad on a test, and they kicked her out of school. I do not remember how The Bells And The Nuns ended, except I hope it had a happy ending because thinking of that girl now is bringing a frown to my face, and I do not want to be sad during the holidays.

Another movie that is good to watch while you have your family gathered around the hearth (although it is not good to watch movies on the television. I much prefer seeing them in a movie theater where you are allowed to smoke a cigar during the picture, because my wife Toots does not let me smoke cigars in the house. I used to frequent a particular theater which was at that time called The Orpheus, and they would have candied delights for one and all. But you had to pay for them. Some things never change!) What was I saying before? Oh, yes. Another good holiday movie is called The Wonderful Life Of Mr. Smith, and it is about a man who wants to jump off a bridge, but he instead decides to go to Was.h.i.+ngton (our nation's capital city) to become a senator, and then an angel comes down and steals some money, and there is also a scene where a druggist slaps the ear of a young boy. And a cop fires a gun, which is rather violent! Anyway, at the end of the movie everyone is happy because it is snowing and everyone is drunk. They do not make movies like that anymore. We used to call them "moving film" in those days, because they were moving pictures.

I hope that my nephew Kenneth will come to visit me this Christmas, although I don't think he will because last year I told his mother that her hair looked like a dirty old rat. Toots will not let me drink nog of egg this year for that reason. But I do not blame her. I hung a wreath on the door and it looks rather festive.

Happy holidays from the Silver Screen! And ho, ho, ho! And watch some holiday movies that I have mentioned if they come to your town. Toots cannot find our Christmas decorations, and I think it is because she accidentally gave them to a vagrant who said he was from the Salvation Army. Where does the time go?

Mr. Danielson's column is reprinted from The b.u.t.ternut Gazette in b.u.t.ternut, OH. It has been edited for the sake of clarity.

NEWS IN BRIEF.

Hanukkah Decorations Being Defaced Earlier Every Year NEW YORK-A report released Monday by the Anti-Defamation League confirmed the widely held perception that Hanukkah decorations are being vandalized earlier every season. "Today, we're seeing Stars of David spray-painted with swastikas before the leaves have even fallen," said ADL spokesman Avi Mendenhall. "Our research shows that, even as recently as a decade ago, a menorah wouldn't be toppled over until well after Thanksgiving." The report noted that many shopping malls have, in recent years, begun playing anti-Semitic carols just days after Halloween.

NEWS.

Rove Implicated In Santa Ident.i.ty Leak WAs.h.i.+NGTON, DC-The recent leak revealing Santa Claus to be "your mommy and daddy" has been linked to President Bush's senior political adviser and deputy chief of staff Karl Rove.

"If this devastating leak, which severely undermines the security of children everywhere and has compromised parent-child relations, came from the highest levels of the White House, that is an outrage," said former Bush counterterrorism adviser and outspoken Bush Administration critic Richard Clarke.

The ident.i.ty of the mythical holiday gift-giver, previously known only in grownup circles, was published in the popular Timbertoes cartoon in the December issue of Highlights For Children. Jean Abrams, a conservative firebrand known to have close ties to Bush appointees in the Department of Education, revealed "Santa" to be a code name for anonymous parental gift-giving.

Abrams and several other children's-magazine journalists, including Ranger Rick's Kristin Brittany and Cricket managing editor Shaina Belowitz, have testified before a federal grand jury on the source of the leak. Sources say that Randall Polk, Was.h.i.+ngton bureau chief for Weekly Reader, named Rove after serving eight days in jail for refusing to divulge his sources.

Federal investigators began to suspect a White House connection to the Santa leak when Abrams wrote in Timbertoes that the character of Pa had some "devastating information" on "very high authority."

"Did you know that Santa Claus is really just your mommy and daddy?" Pa's dialogue read. "It's true. Sometimes parents tell little white lies to their children to make them feel special."

Clarke criticized the leak as "foolhardy," saying it was "the kind of conduct you would expect from dangerous zealots who routinely confuse short-term political gain with the national interest."

"This leak compromises generations of undercover work on the part of U.S. parents," Clarke said. "Consider all the covers that will be blown, all the secret gift-hiding places that will be exposed."

The motivations behind the leak remain unclear, but some political observers have characterized it as a calculated act of retribution against Fairfax, VA, second-grader Madison Harris. Harris, 7, wore an antiwar T-s.h.i.+rt to her elementary school during a Nov. 2 visit by Education Secretary Margaret Spellings.

"The s.h.i.+rt, decorated with doves and the word 'peace,' angered White House ideologues, who felt that Harris had undermined a tightly orchestrated visit," independent political media watchdog Ellen Applebee said. "An aggressive attempt to hit Harris where she lived was set in motion."

On Nov. 3, Rove told reporters, "People shouldn't take too seriously the opinions of someone who still thinks a fat man slides down the chimney into her living room every December 25." On Nov. 6, he told several aides, "I don't consider it precocious to wear peace T-s.h.i.+rts and, from what I hear, read Highlights."

Applebee cited these comments as evidence of "Rove's deliberate campaign against Harris."

During that same week, Rove is also believed to have placed calls to several of the children's-magazine journalists who were later called before the grand jury.

If Rove is responsible for leaking Santa's ident.i.ty to the world's children, it would not be his first political "dirty trick." In 1988, he was fired from George H. W. Bush's presidential campaign for sending an unsigned letter to the young daughter of a Dukakis campaign adviser. In the letter, he revealed the sad ending of the film Old Yeller.

On Capitol Hill, many say they believe that the damage has already been done. Clarke cited the absence of Santas from several department stores across the country as possible evidence that their compromised ident.i.ties fatally damaged their credibility.

"I don't envy parents of young children right now," Clarke said. "Trust has been shattered. I wouldn't be surprised if some moms and dads are forced into hiding."

NEWS IN BRIEF.

Attempt To Buy Gift For Boyfriend Results In Hatred Of Boyfriend SIERRA VISTA, AZ-After a week spent searching for the perfect Christmas gift for Jed Lowry, her boyfriend of eight months, Susan Novecky realized that she, in fact, despises him. "I tried to find a book he might like, but now that I think about it, the only reading materials I've ever seen in his apartment are old issues of Maxim and Dennis Miller's The Rants," Novecky said. "Then I thought I'd use the gift as an opportunity to fix one of his flaws, but why bother buying cologne for someone who doesn't even own a decent pair of G.o.dd.a.m.n pants?" When Novecky decided to just call Lowry and ask him what he wanted, Lowry said he needed a new Xbox controller because he spilled beer all over the other one.

STATSHOT.

NEWS.

Non-Widescreen Version Of DVD Received As Hanukkah Gift BROOKLYN, NY-Self-described film buff Tyler Rosenstein was disappointed to receive a non-letterboxed "full screen" version of the movie The Matrix Reloaded as a Hanukkah gift, the 19-year-old reported Monday.

Rosenstein holds the inadequate gift.

"Great," said Rosenstein, concealing his displeasure from his beaming aunt and uncle, Hannah and Bernie Greenberg, as he gazed at the freshly unwrapped DVD in his hand. "Just what I wanted. The Matrix Reloaded."

"With approximately a third of the movie's visual content missing, thanks to 'pan-and-scan,' " he added under his breath.

Rosenstein, a freshman studying philosophy at NYU, said he was momentarily excited to receive the special collector's edition DVD of The Matrix Reloaded, which features more than an hour of supplemental material, including behind-the-scenes footage and a preview of the Enter The Matrix video game. But Rosenstein's joy faded when his eye caught the words "full-screen edition" emblazoned across the top of the box.

Minutes later, Rosenstein's cousin Cory made an exchange of the gift impossible when he insisted that Rosenstein open the DVD to show him the "easter egg."

While Rosenstein thanked his aunt and uncle for the gift, he took leave of the family get-together shortly after dinner and locked himself in his room to sulk.

"It's frustrating, because they came so close to getting me exactly what I wanted," said Rosenstein, lying on his bed and sneering at the DVD. "This is a $30 item. But what am I supposed to do with it? Why would they even release a full-screen Matrix Reloaded, when every single frame of that movie is so artfully composed? Even leaving framing aside, the movie cries out for each of its visual elements to be seen."

"It's an unwatchable piece of c.r.a.p," said Rosenstein, tossing the DVD onto a pile of gifts that included a sweats.h.i.+rt and a digital memo recorder.

In spite of his annoyance with the non-letterboxed DVD, Rosenstein said he knew better than to complain to his relatives.

"There's just no way to tell them without coming off like a complete a.s.shole," Rosenstein said. "I'm just going to have to eat it."

The Greenbergs remain unaware of their mistake.

"We're so happy that we were able to get Tyler a gift he really wanted this year," Hannah Greenberg said. "You wouldn't believe how hard he is to shop for. He's so picky about his movies. For his birthday, we gave him The Wedding Singer. I thought all the kids liked that Adam Sandler-Cory said he sings a song about Hanukkah. Well, boy, was getting Tyler that movie a mistake!"

This year, instead of guessing, the Greenbergs took a suggestion from Rosenstein's father, who was aware that his son owned the first Matrix movie.

"Tyler's got very specific tastes," Bernie said. "He told us he likes those foreign films. What did he call it? The Criterion Collection. Well, Hannah and I tried to find those, but they didn't have them at Target. We sure didn't want what happened with the wizard movie to happen again."

Bernie spoke in reference to last year, when the Greenbergs came close to finding a gift Rosenstein would like. The misguided couple gave their nephew the theatrical-release version of Lord Of The Rings: The Fellows.h.i.+p Of The Ring, instead of the extended version which contains 40 extra minutes of footage-a distinction Rosenstein gently explained to the confused gift-givers.

"If we'd known, we'd have been happy to get him the other version," Hannah said. "Well, this time we were very careful. There were two versions at the store, and we made sure to get the special one. See, Tyler hates it when they cut out part of the movie."

Confusion over the misleading term "full-screen" caused his well-meaning relatives to purchase the inferior version of the DVD.

"Why do they call it 'full-screen' anyway, when it's only two-thirds of the stupid movie?" Rosenstein asked. "f.u.c.king bulls.h.i.+t aspect ratio!"