The Onion Presents Part 7

NEWS IN BRIEF.

Department-Store Santa Told To Push Chinaware UTICA, NY-Art Schultz, better known as the Senpike Mall's Santa Claus, carried out the management-issued directive to push fine china dinnerware during dozens of two-minute lap sessions Monday. "Ho, ho, ho! Has Bobby been a good boy this year so Santa can bring him, a, uh, Wedgwood five-piece bone china setting in the timeless 'Crown Gold' pattern?" Schultz said to perplexed 5-year-old Robert Ullings. "Maybe if you're on your best behavior, and a big help to Mommy, Santa could bring you ... a Lenox gravy boat!" Schultz bolstered his holiday messages by urging children to act now, as their good behavior could qualify their parents for a 10 percent discount on their first Nordstrom credit-card purchase.

NEWS.

Feds Uncover Secret Santa Ring BLOOMINGTON, IN-The FBI arrested 34 people and seized $157 in small, tasteful presents Monday in what is believed to be the largest bust of a Secret Santa ring in U.S. history.

The Creative Concepts sales office that served as headquarters for the Secret Santa ring.

The ring's base of operations, FBI director Louis Freeh said, was Creative Concepts, a Bloomington-area marketing firm. According to Freeh, all of the ring's partic.i.p.ants were employees of Creative Concepts, mostly working in the secretarial pool and mail room, with a few coming from the client-services and accounting departments.

"It took nearly two years to secure sufficient hard evidence and eyewitness testimony, but we feel we have a solid case against them," said Freeh following the raid. "We believe that this Secret Santa ring had been operating at Creative Concepts for upwards of 15 years, and that thousands of gifts, from Dilbert coffee mugs to giant Hershey kisses, had been exchanged during that period of time. We are hopeful that the reign of Yuletide graft and corruption that has infested this company for so long has finally come to an end."

Among the items seized in the raid were three Sheaffer ballpoint pens, a bag of Jelly Belly jelly beans, two poinsettia plants, an Indianapolis Colts Christmas-tree ornament, a box of Ferrero Rocher bon bons, a Mannheim Steamroller CD, a 46 silver picture frame, a Mooch The Monkey Beanie Baby, a pair of mittens, a Dorf On Golf video and several items believed to have originated from a mall-based Successories store.

Despite the success of Monday's raid, much about Secret Santa operations remains unknown. It is generally accepted by criminologists that Secret Santaism is a seasonal practice taking place exclusively around Christmastime, and involves the exchange of gifts, usually costing no more than $10 each.

According to Lester Long, a freelance criminal profiler and a.n.a.lyst, cracking a Secret Santa ring is difficult, because "the key to Secret Santaism is anonymity."

"The ring members commence their operations by writing their names on small sc.r.a.ps of paper, then surrept.i.tiously placing the sc.r.a.ps in a hat or a small bucket or tin," Long said. "Then, each member quietly draws a single name and does not divulge who this person is to anyone. Nor does this member know who drew out his or her own name. Everyone is sworn to total silence and secrecy. This means partic.i.p.ants are able to cover their tracks and protect each other's ident.i.ty."

Added Long: "That's why it's so hard to run surveillance on suspected Secret Santa ring members when they go shopping-for all we know, they could be buying gifts for family members or friends. So possible civil-rights violations come into play. It's ingenious, really."

Sorely lacking in circ.u.mstantial evidence, law-enforcement officials have come to depend on information from informants and infiltrators planted in suspected Secret Santa rings. Much of what is known about these schemes comes from now-retired FBI agent Clayton "Hap" Roemer, who, posing as a claims adjustor, infiltrated a Secret Santa ring at a Freehold, NJ, insurance firm in the late 1960s.

Roemer detailed his experiences in his 1982 book Santa's Secrets: My Harrowing Undercover Life In The Center Of An Office Yuletide Racket.

"At times, work came to a virtual standstill as people chatted about the items they hoped to get on 'Secret Santa Day,' which normally coincided with the regular, perfectly legal office Christmas party," Roemer wrote. "A pair of white gloves for church? A Harold Robbins novel? Anything was possible for a Secret Santa, provided it was under the agreed monetary limit.

Roemer's work resulted in the arrest of 22 people and the eventual dismantling of the Freehold office racket. But despite this and subsequent decades of similar efforts, Secret Santaism still thrives to this day.

"Today's Secret Santa partic.i.p.ants are far more savvy than those of Agent Roemer's time," Long said. "For example, they've learned not to post gift wish lists on the break-room board-that's an instant giveaway that Secret Santa activities are present. They also avoid using intra-office e-mail, which can be read by managerial higher-ups, and they a.s.siduously destroy any evidence of a Secret Santa party, such as gift wrap, Dixie Cups and leftover poundcake."

Crime historians believe Secret Santa rings got their start among the office employees of a storage-and-transfer business in New York's Lower East Side in the late 1950s. From there, it slowly spread, finding its way into businesses throughout New England and the upper Midwest. By the mid-1970s, it had made its way to the burgeoning Sun Belt and the West Coast.

The accused members of the Creative Concepts Secret Santa ring are scheduled to appear before a federal magistrate on Jan. 15. They are charged with first-degree racketeering and improper expectation of gifts from professional colleagues.

NEWS IN BRIEF.

Fall Interns.h.i.+p Pays Off With Coveted Winter Interns.h.i.+p NEW YORK-New York University student Dave Werner announced Monday that he has successfully parlayed an unpaid fall interns.h.i.+p at the magazine GQ into a long-sought-after unpaid winter interns.h.i.+p at the ESPN network. "After three months spent fetching coffee and making copies, all my hard work has finally paid off," the 21-year-old communications major said as he dropped off executive a.s.sistant Matt Sullivan's dry cleaning at a local laundromat. "These days, I'm totally in charge of taking lunch orders, and some of the people I work with already sort of know my name. What an invaluable experience." Werner added that his main goal is to use his connections at ESPN to secure a highly desirable spring interns.h.i.+p that could possibly offer school credit and a modest travel stipend.

FAMILY.

Grandma Concerned About Dinner Roll Count ROCKFORD, IL-Local grandmother Eileen Stafford, 78, expressed concern Monday over the number of dinner rolls she should have on hand for this year's Christmas meal, appearing distressed when discussing the implications of there being either too many or possibly too few.

An offer by Stafford's son to make an emergency supermarket trip if the rolls run out has done little to calm her fears.

On a recent trip to the supermarket, Stafford reportedly purchased a package of 12 enriched white dinner rolls that was on sale for $1.89, and has since remained torn over whether a second package is necessary.

"They're a little small, and I don't want anyone to go hungry," said Stafford, carefully removing the rolls from the grocery bag to examine them more closely. "Of course, I can always give mine away if there's someone who doesn't get enough."

Added Stafford, "I don't have to have any rolls."

The elderly grandmother of four told reporters that, while she would hate for anything to go to waste, she would be equally upset if one of her guests reached into her wicker basket and found nothing but crumbs.

"Bill usually has two, even though he really shouldn't," said Stafford, referring to her son-in-law, whose above-average appet.i.te she must always take into consideration when planning family meals. "And [daughter] Sheila's on that diet where they don't eat any bread."

Despite her insistence that she really doesn't want to bother anyone about anything, Stafford admitted that in the past week she has contacted several family members on multiple occasions to get an idea of how much company might be coming over.

Pacing nervously in her kitchen, the small septuagenarian admitted that, even if she were to acquire an accurate estimate of those planning to attend, the number still could increase or decrease dramatically without any notice.

"Sandy doesn't make it home for holidays much since the divorce, but you never know," Stafford said of her youngest son. "And [grandson] Dennis sometimes gets called into work at the last minute, because he is a very good doctor and people trust him and rely on him. Still, it would be a real shame if that happened five Christmases in a row."

As a precautionary measure, Stafford has made several trips to nearby grocery stores to ensure that suitable dinner rolls are still available should a need for them arise in the coming days. If an emergency leaves her with no time to purchase an additional package, Stafford said she is prepared to defrost the hot dog buns in her freezer, a surplus from her upsetting overestimate of the turnout for this year's Memorial Day picnic.

According to a longtime friend who spoke with Stafford at church Sunday morning, the grandmother became fl.u.s.tered when discussing the possibility of someone bringing a girlfriend or boyfriend unannounced. Stafford, who lives alone in the house where she and her late husband raised their children, also said that she fears failure to serve her guests an appropriate amount of food might result in family members deciding to host next year's Christmas festivities at one of their own homes instead.

Eileen Stafford "Grandma gets so worked up about the littlest stuff," said Amy Joyner, Stafford's granddaughter. "She's been calling me a couple times a day to update me on her dinner preparations and ask if I know about a better sale on sweet potatoes near us."

Joyner said since her grandfather Walter Stafford pa.s.sed away in 2005, the holidays have made her grandmother uneasy because she worries that no one will be able to carve the turkey into "nice-sized" pieces the way Grandpa used to.

"It's always, 'Oh, no, that's not how Walter used to carve it-you should really carve it thicker, like your father would,' " said eldest son Michael Stafford, who has taken over many of the patriarchal duties in recent years. "It's just a turkey, for Christ's sake, and Dad isn't the one carving it anymore. I am. I'm the one carving the d.a.m.n turkey now."

In addition to her roll-related anxieties, family sources reported that Stafford still has not decided whether to serve frozen or canned corn.

NEWS.

2007 Holiday Cheer Brought To You By Toyota NEW YORK-In one of the largest marketing coups in recent years, holiday cheer-the intangible spirit of goodwill towards man, peace on Earth, and warmth in the hearts of all-will now be sponsored by the Toyota Motor Corporation, sources reported Tuesday.

One of 100 million greeting cards Toyota is sending out to the American public this Christmas season.

The exclusive $30 million deal, which includes promotional tie-ins with the season's first snowfall and the smell of roasted turkey wafting gently through a warm and cozy home, was signed earlier this week by Toyota Motor Sales U.S.A. executive vice president James Lentz.

"We are very excited to be working with holiday cheer," said Lentz, who called the look of wonder on a young child's face and the company's new line of durable trucks a "natural pairing." "From now on, whenever anyone curls up in front of a crackling fireplace, or takes a moment to reflect on the importance of family, Toyota will be there."

Added Lentz: "This truly is the most wonderful time of the year."

While many details of the deal are still unclear, Lentz said that the automotive company has been awarded endors.e.m.e.nt rights to all affection and joy experienced during the month of December. Toyota will also be the chief sponsor of numerous holiday-related events, such as the untangling of Christmas lights while listening to Bing Crosby sing old seasonal cla.s.sics, and the making or consuming of eggnog.

Additionally, as is specified in the terms of the agreement, all sugar plum fairies will now be preceded by a 15-second Toyota ad before dancing inside consumers' heads.

"Landing holiday cheer was huge for us," said Toyota marketing executive Rebecca Greer, moments after announcing that the 2008 Corolla would be the official car of sitting down with loved ones and reminiscing about years past. "We got trapped in a bidding war with General Motors over the sound of carolers beneath an open window, but it was worth it in the end."

"After all, yuletide spirit is everywhere you look," Greer added. "Or, I should say, 'Toyota Presents: Yuletide Spirit' is everywhere you look."

Toyota's marketing campaign has reportedly increased sales figures by 3 percent in the last week alone, and investors are hopeful that the deal will continue to spread the holiday message of generosity, compa.s.sion for others, superior handling on all luxury 4Runners, good tidings, antilock brakes on every SUV and year-end truck, and faith in your fellow man.

"We've enjoyed a steady increase in revenue since becoming a proud supporter of warming up with a hot cup of cocoa," Toyota promotions director Kyle Williamson said. "Plus, sponsoring that priceless smile on your wife's face Christmas morning will only open more potential growth markets to us."

Toyota is not the first company to make a cross-promotional deal with a popular indefinable ent.i.ty, however. In 2002, Johnson & Johnson secured a partners.h.i.+p with a mother's unconditional love for her child, while Budweiser paired up with a teenager's desire to escape feelings of social anxiety and confusion in 2005.

Despite Toyota's initial success, many market a.n.a.lysts claim that the car company may have overpaid for its abstract product placement.

"This might have been a smart move in the 1950s, or even the '60s, when holiday cheer was still alive and well," Car & Driver reporter and family black sheep Malcolm Jones said. "But these days, Toyota could have gotten twice the exposure for half the cost had it sponsored holiday depression and ill will instead. And if they had been willing to buy out Lean Cuisine frozen meals' stake in postNew Year's resignation and apathy, the ad tie-ins could have extended well into January."

While only time will tell what effect the marketing subterfuge will ultimately have on consumers, Toyota's tactics have already angered a number of Americans.

"The holidays shouldn't be about consumerism-they should be about faith, and hope, and the simple pleasures in life," Chicago resident Samantha Bryant said. "Like the all-new Toyota Camry, for instance."

NEWS IN BRIEF.

Only Positive Statistic Of Year Announced WAs.h.i.+NGTON-Amid a growing list of domestic and international concerns such as skyrocketing fuel prices, the slumping dollar, ma.s.sive recalls of tainted food, the housing market collapse, and an increase in obesity, the American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Animals delivered the country's only positive statistic Tuesday when officials announced that cases of feline leukemia had stabilized. "In this current climate, we were all waiting for some good news," said Brad Gambrell, 37, an unemployed census worker. "With more infants peris.h.i.+ng during childbirth, fewer citizens covered by health insurance, and air quality steadily worsening, it's a huge relief that the number of cats dying from this horrible disease is staying the same." Additional data showed that, upon hearing the news, hundreds of Americans who were being evicted from their homes or learning that they had colon cancer briefly experienced a glimmer of hope-a once-common sensation that has declined by 250 percent since 2002.

NEWS.

Christmas Brought To Iraq By Force BAGHDAD, IRAQ-On almost every corner in Iraq's capital city, carolers are singing, trees are being trimmed, and shoppers are rus.h.i.+ng home with their packages-all under the watchful eye of U.S. troops dedicated to bringing the magic of Christmas to Iraq by force.

U.S. soldiers instruct an Iraqi to tell Santa what he wants for Christmas.

"It's important that life in liberated Iraq get back to normal as soon as possible," said Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz at a press conference Monday. "That's why we're making sure that Iraqis have the best Christmas ever-something they certainly wouldn't have had under Saddam Hussein's regime."

To that end, 25,000 troops from the 3rd Armored Cavalry Regiment and 82nd Airborne Division have been deployed. Their missions include the distribution of cookies and eggnog at major Iraqi city centers, the conscription of bell-ringers from among the Iraqi citizenry, and the enforcement of a new policy in which every man, woman, and child in Baghdad pays at least one visit to 'Twas The Night ... On Ice.

Immediately following the press conference, high-alt.i.tude bombers began to string Christmas lights throughout the greater-Baghdad area, and Wild Weasel electronic-warfare fighter jets initiated 24-hour air patrols to broadcast Bing Crosby's "White Christmas" over the nation. Armored columns struck out from all major allied firebases to erect a Christmas tree in the town square of every city, while foot soldiers placed fully lit, heavily guarded nativity scenes in front of every Iraqi mosque.

"Thus far, Operation Desert Santa has gone off without a hitch," said Gen. Stanley Kimmet, commander of U.S. armed reconnaissance-and-mistletoe operations in the volatile Tikrit region of central Iraq. "There has been sporadic house-to-house fighting during our door-to-door caroling, but that's to be expected in a Christmas season of this magnitude."

According to Lt. Gen. Ricardo Sanchez, the top American military commander in Iraq, every precaution is being taken to ensure the peaceful enforcement of the Christmas season in occupied Iraq.

"All American military personnel have been instructed that the observation of Christmas should be carried out efficiently and tastefully, with minimal emphasis on the season's commercial aspects," said Sanchez, who addressed reporters while a decorations division strung wreaths and garlands outside his headquarters. "We must keep in mind that the reason for the season-oriented campaign is for Iraq to celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ."

An aide for Sanchez later explained that, in order to ensure a meaningful holiday season for all Iraqis, provisions were made for those Iraqis who elected to observe Hanukkah.

A mosque in Baghdad decorated by U.S. troops.

Like many U.S. operations in Iraq, Operation Desert Santa has met with some resistance. A convoy transporting fruitcake and gingerbread came under rocket attack Sunday night just outside Checkpoint Noel in Basra, and unidentified bands of Iraqis exchanged gunfire with Marines operating an armored Humvee simulated sleigh ride in a Baghdad suburb. In spite of these troubles, regional commanders report progress, with only eight U.S. casualties resulting from the operation.

Still, Iraqis report that they are unable to get into the Christmas spirit.

"Why am I supposed to feel joy for the world?" said 34-year-old Baghdad mechanic Ha.s.san al-Ajili as he stood in line for his mandatory visit with Santa. "My country is still at war. I need an American identification card to get anywhere in my own city. Now, for some reason, men with machine guns have placed two rows of jingling antlered pigs on the roof of our house. This is insane."

Bush, speaking from his Crawford ranch, praised the brave men and women of Operation Desert Santa and asked for the understanding of all Americans.