Four Early Pamphlets Part 13

KASTRIL.

No, doctor.--I had indeed some thoughts of it.--But imagining that the accomplishments of petulance and choler would be of no use there--I gave it up.

SUBTLE.

Good heavens!--Of no use?--Why, sir, they can be no where so properly.--Only conceive how august a little petulance--and what a graceful variety snarling and snapping would introduce!--True, they are rather new in that connexion.--Believe me, sir, there is nothing for which I have so ardently longed as to meet them there.--I should die contented.--And you, sir,--if you would introduce them--Eh?

KASTRIL.

Doctor, you shall be satisfied--I'll be in parliament in a month--I'll be prime minister--LORD HIGH TREASURER of ENGLAND--or, CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER!

SUBTLE.

Oh, by all means CHANCELLOR of the EXCHEQUER! You are somewhat young indeed--but that's no objection.--d.a.m.n me, if the office can ever be so respectably filled as by an angry boy.

KASTRIL.

True, true.--But, doctor, we forget your instructions all this time.--Let me see--Ay--first was the QUARREL PREVENTIVE.

SUBTLE.

Well thought of!--Why, sir, in your new office you will be liable to all sorts of attacks--Ministers always are, and an angry boy cannot hope to escape.--Now nothing, you know, is so much to the purpose as to have the first blow--Blunders are very natural.--Your friends tell one story in the upper house, and you another in the lower--You shall give up a territory to the enemy that you ought to have kept, and when charged with it, shall unluckily drop that you and your colleagues were ignorant of the geography of the country--You foresee an attack--you immediately open--Plans so extensively beneficial--accounts so perfectly consistent--measures so judicious and accurate--no man can question--no man can object to--but a rascal and a knave.--Let him come forward!

KASTRIL.

Very good! very good!--For the QUARREL OPSTREPEROUS, that I easily conceive.--An antagonist objects shrewdly--I cannot invent an answer.--In that case, there is nothing to be done but to drown his reasons in noise--nonsense--and vociferation.

SUBTLE.

Come to my arms, my dear Kastril! O thou art an apt scholar--thou wilt be nonpareil in the art of brawling!--But for the QUARREL SENSITIVE--

KASTRIL.

Ay, that I confess I don't understand.

SUBTLE.

Why, it is thus, my dear boy--A minister is apt to be sore.--Every man cannot have the phlegm of Burleigh.--And an angry boy is sorest of all.--In that case--an objection is made that would dumbfound any other man--he parries it with--my honour--and my integrity--and the rect.i.tude of my intentions--my spotless fame--my unvaried truth--and the greatness of my abilities--And so gives no answer at all.

KASTRIL.

Excellent! excellent!

SUBTLE.

The QUARREL OBLIQUE is easy enough.--It is only to talk in general terms of places and pensions--the loaves and the fishes--a struggle for power--a struggle for power--And it will do excellent well, if at a critical moment--you can throw in a hint of some forty or fifty millions unaccounted for by some people's grandfathers and uncles dead fifty years ago.

KASTRIL.

Ha! ha! ha!

SUBTLE.

Lastly, for the QUARREL PERSONAL--It may be infinitely diversified.--I have other instances in my eye,--but I will mention only one.--Minds capable of the widest comprehension, when held back from their proper field, may turn to lesser employments, that fools may wonder at, and canting hypocrites accuse--A CATO might indulge to the pleasures of the bottle, and a CAESAR might play--Unfortunately you may have a CAESAR to oppose you--Let him discuss a matter of finance--that subject is always open--there you have an easy answer. In the former case you parried, here you thrust.--You must admire at his presumption--tell him roundly he is not capable of the subject--and dam his strongest reasons by calling them the reasons of a gambler.

KASTRIL.

Admirable!--Oh doctor!--I will thank you for ever.--I will do any thing for you!

[Face _enters at the corner of the stage, winks at_ Subtle, _and exit._]

SUBTLE.

"_Come, Sir, the captain will come to us presently--I will have you to my chamber of demonstrations, and show my instrument for quarrelling, with all the points of the compa.s.s marked upon it.

It will make you able to quarrel to a straw's breadth at moonlight._

Exeunt."