Beautifully Broken: If You Leave Part 40

"I know," I murmur into her hair. "I know that it's not your fault. You made a stupid decision, but this was Jared's fault. I was just upset the other day. I'm sorry."

"You texted to stay put, but Jared got p.i.s.sed and jumped into his truck and I didn't know what else to do except go with him-to try and keep him from doing something stupid. But when he saw Tony coming around that curve, he swerved over. I don't know if he was playing chicken or what. But Tony lost control of his truck. I couldn't stop him, Maddy. I couldn't stop him."

Her voice breaks off and I murmur, "Of course you couldn't, Jacey. No one can control him."

She cries and I hold her and we stand together for what seems like forever, until a deep voice clears. I look over Jacey's shoulder to find Gabriel leaning against the wall, watching us, his gaze immediately impaling me straight through the heart.

I let go of Jacey and stand limp, and suddenly it's just Gabe and me.

The room spins around and we're alone in it, alone in the world. As if she's speaking from a fog, I hear Jacey tell me that she'll leave us alone to talk but I can't even acknowledge it. All I can do is stare at Gabriel.

He takes a step toward me, then another one, then he's close enough that I can smell his smell, the smell that is so distinctly him.

"You left me," I whisper, staring directly into his eyes. "I hated you for that."

His face is pained and he nods. "I know. I hated me for that too. I'm sorry, Madison. I'm so sorry. I didn't see any other way. But I was wrong."

I nod, stiltedly. Because I don't know what to do. Because he was wrong. Because the world is whirling around and around and all I want to do is launch myself into his arms, but I can't. I shouldn't. Everything is all muddled up in my head and I can't remember how I should feel.

All I know is how I do feel.

I've missed him so much. All I want is him.

I'm frozen and Gabe can see that.

"Why don't we get you back to the dinner. And then maybe afterward... would you talk to me for a few minutes?"

His handsome face is hopeful and vulnerable even while it is strong. And there's nothing I can do but nod.

"Yes."

Because I have to.

Because I need you to say all the right things.

Please.

Chapter Thirty-One.

Gabriel

The dinner pa.s.ses excruciatingly slowly, but finally it is over. Maddy has hugged and kissed everyone she needs to hug and kiss. She's made small talk. She's comforted people. She's been comforted.

Through it all she's been very aware of where I am. She's watched me out of the corner of her eye, like she's afraid that I'm going to leave again.

Before I can give her an explanation for last time.

No f.u.c.king way. There's no way I would.

I watch as Maddy gives Jacey a hug, then hands her off to Brand. "Can you give her a ride home?" I ask him quietly. "I need to stay and talk to Madison."

He nods. "Definitely. Good luck."

"I'll need it," I mutter.

But when Maddy looks at me, it's soft. It's hopeful. It's not filled with hate or anger or fear. It's filled with hope.

And that fills me with hope.

I walk to her side, back to where I belong. She looks up at me.

"I don't have a car," she tells me. "Pax brought me. Would you mind giving me a ride home? We can talk there."

"Of course," I agree quickly.

I guide her through the people who are left at the dinner, out to my car, where I open her door.

As I get in my side, she looks at me. "You look really good in your uniform," she tells me. "And what you said about Tony today... well, it was beautiful."

"I meant every word," I tell her honestly.

Because I do.

As I drive she calls Pax and tells him that she doesn't need a ride. I notice that she doesn't tell him why... she doesn't tell him who is taking her home instead. But that doesn't matter right now.

All that matters is that she's giving me a chance. One chance.

And I'm sure as h.e.l.l not going to blow it.

When we get to her house, she leads me out to the patio, where we sit at the table.

"Would you like wine or a beer?" she asks hesitantly, her blue eyes glued to mine. I shake my head.

"No. All I need is you, Maddy."

She sucks in her breath and even though I didn't mean to say it, I didn't mean to start with that, it makes sense now. Because it's the absolute f.u.c.king truth.

As I look at her, backlit by the sun and gorgeous as f.u.c.king h.e.l.l, it's the only thing I can think of. All I need is her.

Everything starts spilling out, one word after another.

How I felt the night I left. How f.u.c.king hard it was. What I tried to do with Alex, but couldn't. How I couldn't erase Maddy from my mind no matter what I did. How I balanced on the ledge at the hotel and how Brand talked me down. The absolute utter f.u.c.king bleakness. The treatment. The therapy. How the little girl doesn't haunt me as much. How I turned Annie away.

"I missed you every single f.u.c.king minute," I tell her earnestly, honestly. Desperately. "I can't live without you. Nothing I did could get you out of my head. I was miserable every minute that I was gone."

I stare at her and she stares back and I can't read her face.

"It's like I'm not whole when I'm not with you," I tell her simply. "You're a piece of me. A big piece of me. And when you're gone, I can't function right. I'm only half a person. I'm so sorry. I know I f.u.c.ked up. I acted with dishonor. I left you. But I did what I had to do to try and keep you safe. Do you understand? Do you see?"

She looks sick as she looks away.

"I can't believe you almost slept with someone else," she says limply. "I was dying here, Gabe. All I could think of was you. I would never have slept with anyone else. I just wouldn't have. I missed you too much."

"I missed you too," I interrupt. "G.o.d, I missed you. Every minute. I did a stupid thing, Maddy. I tried to do the only thing I could think of to finally get you out of my head. And it didn't work. Nothing worked. But if you give me another chance, I swear to G.o.d that I won't hurt you again. I'll never leave you. I'll never even look at someone else. You're all I want."

Without a word she gets up and walks down to the beach. She is completely silent as she stares out at the water, completely beautiful.

"Maddy?" I finally say after the minutes have ticked past. She turns to me.

"I don't know what to say," she admits. "I know I should tell you to leave. To never come back. But honestly, I don't have it in me. I'm p.i.s.sed, though. I'm p.i.s.sed because whoever that woman was, she touched what was mine. You were almost inside of her, Gabe. And you're mine. What am I supposed to do with that?"

I take a ragged breath. "You're supposed to put it out of your mind, Maddy. Never think about it again. Because I didn't want her. I only wanted you. In my head, it was your face I saw. Your eyes. Your smell. Your hands touching me. Please forgive me, Madison. I don't deserve you. That much is true. But all I want is you. And if I can't have you, then I don't want anyone."

A tear slips down her cheek and she squeezes her eyes shut. I don't know what to do. I want to grab her, to pull her to me, to never let her out of my sight again, but I don't know what she wants me to do.

After a minute she opens her eyes.

"Gabriel?" Her voice is small.

"Yes?"

"Open your arms."

So I do.

I open them wide and she folds into them, burying her face into my chest, and I do what I've wanted to do for two weeks. I hold her tight. I breathe in the smell of her hair, I run my hands over the slender expanse of her back.

I tilt her chin up and kiss her mouth, crus.h.i.+ng her soft lips with my own.

After a breathless minute she pulls away and stares at me.

"Don't leave me again."

I nod, scooping her up into my arms, and carry her into the house.

Madison

This is real.

That's the only thing I can think of as Gabriel carries me into the house and into the bedroom. This is real and Gabriel is here.

I'm not sure what I should be feeling right now, whether I'm letting him off too easily or whether I should try to be standoffish. All I know is I can't.

Because whatever happened tortured him.

I can see that on his face and it breaks my heart.

And I know that I need him.

I look at him, and for some reason, all the leftover feelings... the being mad at him, the hurt, the fear... it all fades away. I know what's important now.

Him and me. That's it.

That's all that matters. We can sort everything else out.

"I never stopped trusting you," I tell him honestly. "Not really. When I first realized you were gone, I was p.i.s.sed. And hurt. But I figured out why you left pretty quickly. And then I was p.i.s.sed again. But I always trusted that you thought you were doing the right thing."

He stares at me, his rugged face pensive. "All I want is you," he tells me quietly. "I promise you. I'm so sorry I hurt you. I'm sorry that our path has been twisted and hard. But I want you to know... thinking about you gave me the strength to stick it out at CPT. In the back of my head, I always held out the hope that if I could fix me, then we could fix us."

I swallow hard. "That was in the back of my mind too. Even when I was p.i.s.sed at you. Even when I hated you."

He looks at me, his eyes so stormy. "Don't hate me, Maddy. I can deal with anything else the world throws at me, but I can't deal with that. I love you. I've known it for a while and I was afraid to say it. I'm not sure that I'm fixed, but I'm sure as h.e.l.l headed in the right direction. I won't ever hurt you again-I won't let it happen. I need for you to know that."

"I know," I whisper, pulling him close and clinging to him tight. "I need you, Gabe."

He swallows. "I need you, too."

"Then show me," I whisper.

Without a word he eases me backward onto the bed, covering my body with his own. I've missed his weight, the way his body slides against mine just right, pressing into me.

"I missed you," he says, right before he kisses me. His tongue delves into my mouth and he tastes like spearmint.

He kisses me soft, he kisses me hard, then he groans and f.u.c.ks my mouth with his tongue, ravaging it like he can't control himself because he's missed me that much.

The air around us is desperate and hot and I want to breathe him in.