Scotch Wit and Humor Part 11

"And what can that be?" said the imperturbable spinster.

Utterly discomfited by her wilful blindness to his meaning, the poor man beat a hasty retreat, drew back his chair from its dangerous proximity, caught up his hat, and, in tones of blighted hope, gasped forth his declaration in these words; "Eh, dear! Well 'am sure! The thing wanted is a--a--a _sideboord_!"

="Surely the Net is Spread in Vain in the Sight of any Bird"=

Our May had an ee to a man, Nae less than the newly-placed preacher, And we plotted a dainty bit plan For trappin' our spiritual teacher.

Oh! but we were sly, We were sly an' sleekit; But, ne'er say a herrin' is dry-- Until it's weel reest.i.t an' reekit.

We treated young Mr. M'Gock, An' plied him wi' tea an' wi' toddy, An' we praised every word that he spake, Till we put him maist out o' the body.

Oh! but we were sly, etc.

Frae the kirk we were never awa', Except when frae home he was helpin'

An' then May,--an' aften us a'-- Gaed far an' near after him skelpin'.

Oh! but we were sly, etc.

We said aye what the neebors thocht droll, That to hear him gang through wi' a sermon Was--though a wee dry on the whole-- As refres.h.i.+n's the dew on Mount Hermon.

Oh! but we were sly, etc.

But to come to the heart o' the nit, The dainty bit plan that we plotted Was to get a subscription afit, An' a watch to the minister voted.

Oh! but we were sly, etc.

The young women folk o' the kirk By turns lent a han' in collectin', But May took the f.e.c.k o' the mark An' the trouble the rest o' directin'.

Oh! but we were sly, etc.

A gran' watch was gotten belyve, An' May, wi' sma' "priggin," consent.i.t To be ane o' a party o' five To gang to the Manse an' present it.

Oh! but we were sly, etc.

We a' gied a word o' advice To May in a deep consultation, To hae something to say unco' nice, An' to speak for the hale deputation.

Oh! but we were sly, etc.

Takin' present an' speech baith in han', May delivered a bonny palaver, To let Mr. M'Gock understan'

How zealous she was in his favor.

Oh! but we were sly, etc.

She said that the gift was to prove That his female friends valued him highly, But it couldna express _a'_ their love, An' she glinted her ee at him slyly.

Oh! but we were sly, etc.

He put the gowd watch in his fab, And proudly he said he wad wear it, An' after some flatterin' gab, He tauld May he was goin' to be marriet.

Oh! but we were sly, We were sly and sleekit, But Mr. M'Gock was nae gowk, Wi' our dainty bit plan to be cheekit.

May came home wi' her heart in her mouth An' frae that hour she turned a Dissenter, An' noo she's renewin' her youth Wi' some hopes o' the Burgher Precentor.

Oh! but she was sly, She was sly and sleekit, An' cleverly opens ae door As sune as anither is sleekit.

=A Highland Outburst of Grat.i.tude and an Inburst of Hurricane=

"Ah, my friends, what causes have we for grat.i.tude--oh, yes;--for the deepest grat.i.tude! Look at the place of our habitation. How grateful should we be that we do not leeve in the far north--oh, no!--amidst the frost and snaw, and the cauld and the weet--oh, no!--where there's a long day tae half o' the year--oh, yes!--and a lang nicht the t.i.ther--oh, yes!--that we do not depend upon the aurawry boreawlis--oh, no!--that we do net gang s.h.i.+vering aboot in skins--oh, no!--smoking amang the snow like modiwarts--oh, no! no!--And how grateful should we be that we do not leeve in the far south, beneath the equawtor, and a sun aye burnin', burnin'; where the sky's het--ah, yes!--and yearth's het, and the water's het, and ye're brunt black as a smiddy--ah, yes!--where there's teegars--oh, yes!--and lions--oh, yes!--and crocodiles--oh, yes!--and fearsome beasts growlin' and girnin' at ye amang the woods; where the very air is a fever, like the burnin' breath o' a fiery drawgon; that we do not leeve in these places--oh, no! no!

no! no!--but that we leeve in this blessit island of oors callit Great Britain--oh, yes! yes! and in that pairt of it named Scotland, and in that bit o' auld Scotland that looks up at Ben Nevis--oh, yes! yes!

yes!--where there's neither frost, nor cauld, nor wund, nor weet, nor hail, nor rain, nor teegars, nor lions, nor burnin' suns, nor hurricanes, nor----"

Here a tremendous blast of wind and rain from Ben Nevis blew in the windows of the kirk, and brought the preacher's eloquence to an abrupt conclusion.

=A Different Thing Entirely=

While surveying the west coast of Scotland, Captain Robinson had received on board his s.h.i.+p the Grand Duke Constantine. As the duke could only remain a very short time, the captain resolved to show him as much as possible during his brief stay. Accordingly he steamed to Iona on a Sunday, believing that day especially suited for pointing out to his royal visitor remains a.s.sociated with religion. Landing on the island he waited on the custodian of the ancient church with the request that he would open it.

"Not so," said the keeper; "not on Sunday."

"Do you know whom I have brought to the island?" said the captain.

"He's the Emperor o' a' the Russias, I ken by the flag," responded the keeper; "but had it been the Queen hersel' I wadna' gi'e up the keys on the Lord's day."

"Would you take a gla.s.s of whiskey on the Sabbath?" inquired the captain.

"_That's a different thing entirely_," said the keeper.

=Canny Dogs=

The following is given by a Scotchman by way of ill.u.s.trating the kindly consideration evinced by the Scottish peasantry towards the domestic animals--especially the shepherds to their dogs--which consequently become their attached companions. A minister calling to visit one of his flock found before the fireplace three dogs apparently asleep. At the sound of a whistle two rose up and walked out; the third remained still.

"It is odd," said the minister, "that this dog does not get up like the others."

"It's no astonis.h.i.+ng ava," said the shepherd, "for it's no' his turn; he was oot i' the mornin'."

=A Compliment by Return=

The minister's man at Lintrathen, though sufficiently respectful, seldom indulges in the complimentary vein. On one occasion he handsomely acknowledged a compliment by returning another. The minister had got married, and was presented with a carriage, for which John was appointed to provide a horse. Driving out with his wife, the minister said to John in starting, "You've got us a capital horse."

"Weel, sir," said John, "it's just aboot as difficult as to choose a gude minister's wife, and we've been lucky wi' baith."

=Curious Sentence=