Scotch Wit and Humor Part 13

"Wad ye ca' me a leear to my very face?

My faith, but ye craw crouse!

I tell you, Tib, I never will bear 't--"

"'Twas a moose"--"'Twas a rat"--"'Twas a moose."

Wi' that she struck him ower the pow-- "Ye dour auld doit, tak' that-- Gae to your bed, ye canker'd sumph-- 'Twas a rat."--"'Twas a moose!"--"'Twas a rat!"

She sent the brose caup at his heels As he hirpled ben the hoose; Yet he shoved out his head, as he steekit the door, And cried, "'Twas a moose, 'twas a moose!"

But when the carle fell asleep She paid him back for that, And roared into his sleepin' lug, "'Twas a _rat_, 'twas a rat, 'twas a RAT!"

The devil be wi' me if I think It was a beast, at all-- Next morning, when she swepit the fluir, She found wee Johnnie's ball!

=A Ready Student=

Dr. Richie, of Edinburgh, though a very clever man, once met his match.

When examining a student as to the cla.s.ses he attended, he said: "I understand you attend the cla.s.s for mathematics?"

"Yes."

"How many sides has a circle?"

"Two," said the student.

"Indeed! What are they?"

"An inside and an outside."

A laugh among the students followed this answer.

The doctor next inquired: "And you attend the moral philosophy cla.s.s, also?"

"Yes."

"Well, you doubtless heard lectures on various subjects. Did you ever hear one on 'Cause and Effect?'"

"Yes."

"Does an effect ever go before a cause?"

"Yes."

"Give me an instance."

"A barrow wheeled by a man."

The doctor hastily sat down and proposed no more questions.

=Appearing "in Three Pieces"=

Wilson, the celebrated vocalist, was upset one day in his carriage near Edinburgh. A Scotch paper, after recording the accident, said: "We are happy to state he was able to appear the following evening in three pieces."

="Every Man to His Own Trade"=

A worthy old Scotch minister, who didn't object to put his hand to a bit of work when occasion required it, was one day forking sheaves in the stackyard to his man John, who was "biggin'." One of the wheels of the cart on which the minister was standing happened to be resting on a sheaf, and when the cart was empty his reverence said: "That's them a'

noo, John, excep' ane 'at's aneath the wheel, an' ye'll hae to come an'

gie's a lift up wi' the wheel ere I get it oot." "Oh," said John, "just drive forrit the cart a bit." "Very true, very true," rejoined the minister; "every man to his own trade."

=From Different Points of View=

The following anecdote is related of Sir James Mackintosh, the Scotch philosopher and historian, and the celebrated Dr. Parr: Sir James had invited the reverend doctor to take a drive in his gig. The horse became very restive and unmanageable. "Gently, gently, Jemmy," said the doctor, "pray don't irritate him; always soothe your horse, whatever you do, Jemmy! You'll do better without me, I am certain; so let me down, Jemmy--let me down." Once on _terra firma_, the doctor's views of the case were changed. "Now, Jemmy, touch him up," said he. "Never let a horse get the better of you. Touch him up, conquer him, don't spare him.

And now I'll leave you to manage him--I'll walk back."

=Speaking from "Notes"=

A porter at a Scotch railway station, who had grown grey in the service, was one day superintending matters on the platform, when the parish minister stepped up to him and asked when the next train arrived from the south. The aged official took off his cap and carefully read the hour and the minute of the train from a doc.u.ment stuck in the crown.

Somewhat surprised at this, the minister said: "Dear me, John, is your memory failing, or what is up with you? You used to have all these matters entirely by heart."

"Weel, sir," said John, "I dunna ken if my memory's failin', or fat's up; but the fac' is I'm growin' like yersel'--I cunna manage without the paper."

="Consecrated" Ground=

The Police Commissioners of Broughton Ferry, near Dundee, some time since compelled house proprietors to lay down concrete on the footpath in front of their properties. An old lady, residing in a cottage, proudly told a friend the other day that the front of her house had been "consecrated up to the vera doorstep."

=Unanswerable=

When a Scotchman answers a question, he settles the matter in dispute once for all. On a certain occasion the question was asked: "Why was Mary Queen of Scots born at Linlithgow?" Sandy Kerr promptly answered: "Because her mither was staying there, sir;" and there actually seemed to be nothing more to say on the subject.

=Practical Thrift=

An admirable humorous reply, says Dean Ramsay, is recorded by a Scotch officer, well known and esteemed in his day for mirth and humor. Captain Innes, of the Guards (usually called Jack Innes by his contemporaries), was, with others, getting ready for Flus.h.i.+ng or some of those expeditions of the great war. His commanding officer, Lord Huntly, remonstrated about the badness of his hat, and recommended a new one.

"Na, na, bide a wee," said Jack. "Where we're gain', faith, there'll soon be mair hats nor heads." [7]

=Fool Finding=

A Scotch student, supposed to be deficient in judgment, was asked by a professor, in the course of his examination, how he would discover a fool? "By the questions he would ask," was the prompt and highly suggestive reply.

=Robbing on Credit=