Scotch Wit and Humor Part 23

Archbishop Leighton never was married. While he held the See of Dumblane, he was of course a subject of considerable interest to the celibate ladies in the neighborhood. One day he received a visit from one of them who had reached the age of desperation. Her manner was solemn though somewhat embarra.s.sed; it was evident from the first that there was something very particular on her mind. The good bishop spoke with his usual kindness, encouraged her to be communicative, and by and by drew from her that she had had a very strange dream, or rather, as she thought, a revelation from heaven. On further questioning, she confessed that it had been intimated to her that she was to be united in marriage to the bishop. One may imagine what a start this gave to the quiet scholar, who had long ago married his books, and never thought of any other bride. He recovered, however, and very gently addressing her, said that "Doubtless these intimations were not to be despised. As yet, however, the designs of heaven were but imperfectly explained, as they had been revealed to only one of the parties. He would wait to see if any similar communication should be made to himself, and whenever it happened he would be sure to let her know." Nothing could be more admirable than this humor, except perhaps the benevolence shown in so bringing an estimable woman off from a false position. [9]

=Not Up to Sample=

"How did it happen," asked a lady of a very silly Scotch n.o.bleman, "that the Scots who came out of their own country were, generally speaking, men of more ability than those who remained at home?"

"Oh, madam," said he, "the reason is obvious. At every outlet there are persons stationed to examine all who pa.s.s, that for the honor of the country, no one be permitted to leave it who is not a man of understanding."

"Then," said she, "I suppose your lords.h.i.+p was smuggled."

=The Queen's Daughters--or "Appearances Were Against Them"=

A good many years ago, when her majesty was spending a short time in the neighborhood of the Trossachs, the Princesses Louise and Beatrice paid an unexpected visit to an old female cottager on the slopes of Glenfinlas, who, knowing that they had some connection with the royal household, bluntly e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed: "Ye'll be the Queen's servants, I'm thinkin'?"

"No," they quietly rejoined; "we are the Queen's daughters."

"Ye dinna look like it," was the immediate reply of the unusually outspoken Celt, "as ye hae neither a ring on your fingers, nor a bit gowd i' your lugs!"

="Oo"--with Variations=

The following is a dialogue between a Scotch shopman and a customer, relating to a plaid hanging at the shop door:

_Customer (inquiring the material)_: "Oo" (Wool)?

_Shopman_: "Ay, oo" (Yes, wool).

_Customer_: "A' oo" (All wool)?

_Shopman_: "Ay, a' oo" (Yes, all wool).

_Customer_: "A' ae oo" (All same wool)?

_Shopman_: "Ay, a' _ae_ oo" (Yes, all the same wool). [7]

=A Widow's Promise=

The clerk of a large parish, not five miles from Bridgenorth, Scotland, perceiving a female crossing a churchyard in a widow's garb with a watering can and bundle, had the curiosity to follow her, and he discovered her to be Mrs. Smith, whose husband had not long been interred.

The following conversation took place:

"Ah, Mrs. Smith, what are you doing with your watering can?"

"Why, Mr. Prince, I have begged a few hay-seeds, which I have in a bundle, and am going to sow them upon my husband's grave, and have brought a little water with me to make 'em spring."

"You have no occasion to do that, as the gra.s.s will soon grow upon it,"

replied the clerk.

"Ah, Mr. Prince, that may be; but, do you know, my husband, who now lives there, made me promise him on his death-bed I would never marry again till the gra.s.s grew over his grave, and having a good offer made me, I dinna wish to break my word, or be kept as I am."

=Drunken Wit=

The late Rev. Mr. Neal, one of the ministers of the West Church, when taking a walk in the afternoon, saw an old woman sitting by the roadside evidently much intoxicated, with her bundle lying before her in the mud.

He immediately recognized her to be one of his paris.h.i.+oners.

"Will you just help me with my bundle, gudeman?" said she, as he stopped.

"Fie, fie, Janet," said the pastor, "to see the like o' you in such a plight. Do you not know where all drunkards go to?"

"Ah, sure," said Janet, "they just go whaur a drap o' gude drink is to be got."

=Popularity Tested by the Collection=

The late Dr. Cook, of Addington, after a.s.sisting the late Dr. Forsyth, of Morham, at a communion service, repaired as usual to the manse. While in the enjoyment of a little social intercourse, the minister of Morham--which, by the way, is one of the smallest parishes in Scotland--quietly remarked to his brother divine: "Doctor, you must be a very popular man in the parish." "Ay," replied the doctor, "how's that?"

"Why," rejoined the other, "our usual collection is threepence, but to-day it is ninepence!" "Eh, is that all?" said Dr. Cook, "then wae's me for my popularity, for I put in the extra sixpence myself!"

=An "Exceptional" Prayer=

A minister in the North, returning thanks in his prayers one Sabbath for the excellent harvest, began as usual, "O Lord, we thank Thee," etc., and went on to mention the abundance of the harvest and its safe ingathering; but feeling anxious to be quite candid and scrupulously truthful, added, "all except a few fields between this and Stonehaven _not worth mentioning_."

="Verra Weel Pitched"=

A Scotchman was riding a donkey one day across a sheep pasture, but when the animal came to a sheep drain he would not go over. So the man rode back a short distance, turned, and applied the whip, thinking, of course, that the donkey, when at the top of his speed, would jump the drain. But when the donkey got to the drain he stopped sharply and the man went over his head and cleared the drain. No sooner had he touched the ground than he got up, and, looking the beast straight in the face, said: "Verra weel pitched, but, then, hoo are ye goin' to get ower yersel'?"

=An Out-of-the-Way Reproof=

King James I, being one day in the North, a violent tempest burst loose and a church being the nearest building, his majesty took shelter there, and sat down in an obscure and low seat. The minister had just mounted the pulpit and soon recognized the king, notwithstanding his plain costume. He commenced his sermon, however, and went on with it logically and quietly, but at last, suddenly starting off at a tangent, he commenced to inveigh most violently against the habit of swearing, and expatiated on this subject till the end of his discourse.

After the sermon was ended the king had his dinner, to which he invited the minister, and when the bottle had circulated for a while: "Parson,"

says the king, "why didst thou flee so from thy text?"

"If it please your majesty," was the reply, "when you took the pains to come so far out of your way to hear me, I thought it very good manners for me to step a little way out of my text to meet with your majesty."

"By my saul, mon," exclaimed James, "and thou hast met with me so as never mon did."

It will be remembered that James I was notorious for cursing and swearing, in a manner almost verging on blasphemy. [9]

=A Castle Stor(e)y=

A Glasgow antiquary recently visited an old castle, and asked one of the villagers if he knew anything of an old story about the building.