Scotch Wit and Humor Part 43

"Ay, tak' a guid look at it," said the beadle, "for it's no' likely ye'll ever see't again."

=A "Wigging"=

The Rev. Dr. Macleod (father of the late Dr. Norman Macleod) was proceeding to open a new place of wors.h.i.+p.

As he pa.s.sed slowly and gravely through the crowd gathered about the doors, an elderly man, with the peculiar kind of a wig known in that district--bright, smooth and of a reddish brown--accosted him:

"Doctor, if you please, I wish to speak to you."

"Well, Duncan," said the venerable doctor, "can ye not wait till after wors.h.i.+p?"

"No, doctor; I must speak to you now, for it is a matter upon my conscience."

"Oh, since it is a matter of conscience, tell me what it is; but be brief, Duncan, for time presses."

"The matter is this, doctor. Ye see the clock yonder on the face of the new church? Well, there is no clock really there--nothing but the face of the clock. There is no truth in it, but only once in the twelve hours. Now it is, in my mind, very wrong, and quite against my conscience, that there should be a lie on the face of the house of the Lord."

"Duncan, I will consider the point. I am glad to see you looking so well. You are not young now; I remember you for many years; and what a fine head of hair you have still!"

"Eh, doctor, you are joking now; it is long since I have had my hair."

"Oh, Duncan, Duncan, are you going into the house of the Lord with a lie upon your head?"

This settled the question, and the doctor heard no more of the lie on the face of the clock.

=A Poacher's Prayer=

Jamie Hamilton, a noted poacher at Crawfordjohn, was once asked by a woman to pray for a poor old woman who was lying at the point of death.

"I canna pray," said he.

"But ye maun do't, Jamie," said the woman.

"Weel, if I maun do't, I maun do't, but I haena muckle to say," said Jamie.

Being placed beside the dying woman, the poacher, with thoughts more intent upon hares than prayers, said "O Lord, thou kens best Thyself how the case stands between Thee and auld Eppie: but sin' ye hae baith the haft and the blade in your ain hand, just guide the gully as best suits Thy ain glory and her guid. Amen!"

Could a bishop have said more in as few words?

=Broader than He was Long=

Mr. Dale, whose portrait figures in _Kay_, was very short in stature, and also very stout.

Having mentioned to a friend one day that "he had slipped on the ice, and fallen all his length"--

"Be thankful, sir," was the consolatory and apt reply, "that it was not all your breadth!"

="Prayer, with Thanksgiving"=

On one occasion, a clergyman eminent for his piety and simplicity of heart, but also noted for his great eccentricity of character, surprised his hearers by introducing the following pa.s.sage into one of his prayers: "Oh Lord! we desire to offer our grateful thanks unto Thee for the seasonable relief which Thou has sent to the poor of this place, from thine inexhaustible storehouse in the great deep, and which every day we hear called upon our streets, 'Fine fresh herrings, sax a penny!

sax a penny!'"

=An Extra s.h.i.+lling to Avoid a Calamity=

A farmer having buried his wife, waited upon the grave-digger who had performed the necessary duties, to pay him fees. Being of a n.i.g.g.ardly disposition, he endeavored to get the knight of the spade to abate his charges.

The patience of the latter becoming exhausted, he grasped his shovel impulsively, and, with an angry look, exclaimed: "Doon wi' another s.h.i.+llin', or--up she comes!" The threat had the desired effect.

=Putting off a Duel and Avoiding a Quarrel=

At a convivial meeting of the Golfing Society at Bruntsfield Links, Edinburgh, on one occasion, a Mr. Megget took offence at something which Mr. Braidwood, father of the lamented superintendent of the London Fire Brigade, had said. Being highly incensed, he desired the latter to follow him to the Links, and he "would do for him."

Without at all disturbing himself, Mr. Braidwood pleasantly replied: "Mr. Megget, if you will be so good as to go out to the Links, and _wait till I come_, I will be very much obliged to you."

This produced a general burst of laughter, in which his antagonist could not refrain from joining; and it had the effect of restoring him to good humor for the remainder of the evening.

=A Test of Literary Appreciation=

Dr. Ranken, of Glasgow, wrote a very ponderous _History of France_.

Wis.h.i.+ng to learn how it was appreciated by the public, he went to Stirling's Library _incognito_, and inquired "if Dr. Ranken's _History of France_ was in?"

Mr. Peat, the caustic librarian, curtly replied: "In! it never was out!"

=Ornithology=

"Pray, Lord Robertson," said a lady to that eminent lawyer at a party, "can you tell me what sort of a bird the bul-bul is?"

"I suppose, ma'am," replied the humorous judge, "it is the male of the coo-coo."

=A Practical View of Matrimony=

"Fat's this I hear ye're gaun to dee, Jeannie," said an Aberdeen la.s.s to another young woman.

"Weel, Maggie, la.s.s, I'm just gaun to marry that farm ower by there, and live wi' the bit mannie on't."

=Winning the Race Instead of the Battle=

When Sir John Copse fled from Dunbar, the fleetness of his horse carried him foremost, upon which a sarcastic Scotsman complimented him by saying, "Deed, sir, but ye hae won the race: win the battle wha like!"