The Humourous Story of Farmer Bumpkin's Lawsuit Part 13

"There now," said b.u.mpkin, shaking the reins; "thee med jist as well talk Greek-it's the same wally (value) to me, for I doan't understan' a word-bography, indade!"

"Well then, Mr. b.u.mpkin, there is first a history of your life."

"Good lord, what be that for?"

"I'll tell you presently-then there's the history of Mrs. b.u.mpkin from the cradle." (Mr. b.u.mpkin uttered an exclamation which nothing shall induce me to put on paper.) "Then"-and here the young man had reached the third finger of the left hand-"then comes a history of the defendant Snooks."

"Ah!" said b.u.mpkin, as though they were getting nearer the mark; "that be summut like-that'll do un-have you put in about the gal?"

"What's that?" asked the youth.

"Oh! didn't thee 'ear? Why, thee 'st left out the best part o' Snooks'

life; he were keepin company wi' a gal and left her in t' lurch: but I 'ope thee 'st shown up ur carater well in other ways-he be the worst man as ever lived in this 'ere country."

"Well," said Horatio, travelling towards his little finger; "then there's the history of the pig."

"Zounds!" laughed the farmer, "if ever I eerd tell o' such a thing in my bornd days. What the devil be the good o' thic?"

"O, a good deal; the longer you make the brief the more money you get-you are paid by the yard. They don't pay lawyers accordin' to the value of their services, but the length of 'em."

"Well, look ee 'ere, if I sells a pig it ain't wallied by its length, but by its weight."

"It ain't so with lawyers then," rejoined Horatio; "the taxing master takes the length of the pig, and his tail counts, and the longer the tail the better the taxing master likes it; then comes,"-(as the young lad had only four fingers he was obliged to have recourse to his thumb, placing his forefinger thereon)-"then comes about ten pages on the immortality of the soul."

"That be the tail, I spoase."

"You got it," said Horatio, laughing. "O, he's a stunner on the immortality of the soul."

"Who be?-Snooks?"

"No-Prigg-he goes into it like winkin'."

"But what be it to do with thic case?"

"Well, if you only put in a brief what had got to do with the case it would be a poor thing."

And I saw in my dream that the young man was speaking truthfully: it was a beautifully drawn essay on the immortality of the soul, especially b.u.mpkin's.

"By George!" continued the youth, "it'll cost something-that brief."

Mr. b.u.mpkin twitched as if he had touched with ice a nerve of his hollow tooth.

"If I had the money that case'll cost I wouldn't do any more work," said the youth.

"What would'st thee be then?"

"Well, I should try and get an a.s.sociate's place in one of the Courts."

"Hem! but this ere Snooks ull have to pay, won't he?"

"Ah!" said Horatio, breathing deeply and indignantly, "I hope so; he's a mean cuss-what d'ye think? never give Locust's boy so much as a half-sovereign! Now don't such a feller deserve to lose? And do you think Locust's boy will interest himself in his behalf?"

b.u.mpkin looked slily out of the corners of his eyes at the young man, but the young man was impa.s.sive as stone, and pale as if made of the best Carrara marble.

"But tell I, sir-for here we be at the plaace of Mr. Commissioner to take oaths-what need be there o' this ere thing I be gwine to swear, for I'll be danged if I understand a word of un, so I tell ee."

"Costs, my dear sir, costs!"

And I heard b.u.mpkin mutter to himself that "he'd he danged if this 'ere feller wur so young as he made out-his 'ead wur a mighty dale older nor his body."

CHAPTER X.

The last night before the first London expedition, which gives occasion to recall pleasant reminiscences.

"I, b.u.mpkin, make oath and say," having been duly presented, and the Commissioner having duly placed the Testament in Mr. b.u.mpkin's hands, and said to him that to the best of his knowledge and belief the contents of the "I b.u.mpkin" paper were true, the matter was over, and Mr. Sn.i.g.g.e.r, with the valuable doc.u.ment in his possession, might have returned to London by the next train. But as Horatio afterwards observed to a friend, he "was not quite so green." It was market day; Mr. b.u.mpkin was a genial companion, and had asked him to partake of the Market Ordinary.

So thither at one o'clock they repaired, and a very fine dinner the pale youth disposed of. It seemed in proportion to the wonderful brief whose merits they had previously discussed. More and more did Horatio think that a farmer's life was the life for him. He had never seen such "feeding;" more and more would he like that month on trial in the country; more and more inclined was he to throw up the whole blessed law at once and for ever. This partly-formed resolution he communicated to Mr. b.u.mpkin, and a.s.sured him that, but for the case of _b.u.mpkin_ v.

_Snooks_, he would do so on that very afternoon, and wash his hands of it.

"I don't want," said he, "to leave you in the lurch, Mr. b.u.mpkin, or else I'd cut it at once, and throw this affidavit into the fire."

"Come, come," said the farmer, "thee beest a young man, don't do nowt that be wrong-stick to thy employer like a man, and when thee leaves, leave like a man."

"As soon as your case is over, I shall hook it, Mr. b.u.mpkin. And now let me see-you'll have to come to London in a week or two, for I am pretty nigh sure we shall be in the paper by that time. I shall see you when you come up-where shall you stay?"

"Danged if I know; I be a straanger in Lunnun."

"Well, now, look 'ere, Mr. b.u.mpkin, I can tell you of a very nice quiet public-house in Westminster where you'll be at home; the woman, I believe, comes from your part of the country, and so does the landlord."

"What be the naame o' the public 'ouse?" asked Mr. b.u.mpkin.

"It's the sign of the 'Goose,' and stands just a little way off from the water-side."

"The Goose" sounded countryfied and homelike, and being near the water would be pleasant, and the landlord and landlady being Somersets.h.i.+re people would also be pleasant.

"Be it a dear plaace?" he inquired.

"Oh, no; dirt cheap."

"Ah, that air _dirt_ cheap I doan't like-I likes it a bit clean like."

"Oh, yes, clean as a smelt-clean as ever it can be; and I'll bespeak your lodgings for you if you like, and all."