The Humourous Story of Farmer Bumpkin's Lawsuit Part 2

Mr. Prigg had descended from the well-known family of Prigg, and he prided himself on the circ.u.mstance. How often was he seen in the little churchyard of Yokelton of a Sunday morning, both before and after service, pointing with family pride to the tombstone of a relative which bore this beautiful and touching inscription:-

HERE LIE THE ASHES OF MR. JOHN PRIGG, OF SMITH STREET, BRISTOL, ORIGINALLY OF DUCK GREEN, YOKELTON, WHO UNDER PECULIAR DISADVANTAGES WHICH TO COMMON MINDS WOULD HAVE BEEN A BAR TO ANY EXERTIONS RAISED HIMSELF FROM ALL OBSCURE SITUATIONS OF BIRTH AND FORTUNE BY HIS OWN INDUSTRY AND FRUGALITY TO THE ENJOYMENT OF A _MODERATE COMPETENCY_.

HE ATTAINED A PECULIAR EXCELLENCE IN PENMANs.h.i.+P AND DRAWING WITHOUT THE INSTRUCTIONS OF A MASTER, AND TO EMINENCE IN ARITHMETIC, THE USEFUL AND THE HIGHER BRANCHES OF THE MATHEMATICS, BY GOING TO SCHOOL ONLY A YEAR AND EIGHT MONTHS.

HE DIED A BACHELOR ON THE 24TH DAY OF OCTOBER, 1807, IN THE 55TH YEAR OF HIS AGE; AND WITHOUT FORGETTING RELATIONS FRIENDS AND ACQUAINTANCES BEQUEATHED ONE FIFTH OF HIS PROPERTY TO PUBLIC CHARITY.

READER THE WORLD IS OPEN TO THEE.

"GO THOU AND DO LIKEWISE." {22}

It was generally supposed that this beautiful composition was from the pen of Mr. Prigg himself, who, sitting as he did so high on his branch of the Family Tree,

COULD LOOK WITH PRIDE AND SYMPATHY ON THE MANLY STRUGGLES OF A HUMBLER MEMBER LOWER DOWN!

High Birth, like Great Wealth, can afford to condescend!

Mrs. Prigg was worthy of her ill.u.s.trious consort. She was of the n.o.ble family of the Sn.o.bs, and in every way did honour to her progenitors. As the reader is aware, there is what is known as a "cultivated voice," the result of education-it is absolutely without affectation: there is also the voice which, in imitation of the well-trained one, is little more than a burlesque, and is affected in the highest degree: this was the only fault in Mrs. Prigg's voice.

Mr. Prigg's home was charmingly small, but had all the pretensions of a stately country house-its conservatory, its drawing-room, its study, and a dining-room which told you as plainly as any dining-room could speak, "I am related to Donkey Hall, where the Squire lives: I belong to the same aristocratic family."

Then there was the great heavy-headed clock in the pa.s.sage. He did not appear at all to know that he had come down in the world through being sold by auction for two pounds ten. He said with great plausibility, "My worth is not to be measured by the amount of money I can command; I am the same personage as before." And I thought it a very true observation, but the philosophy thereof was a little discounted by his haughty demeanour, which had certainly gone up as he himself had come down; and that is a reason why I don't as a rule like people who have come down in the world-they are sure to be so stuck up. But I do like a person who has come down in the world and doesn't at all mind it-much better than any man who has got up in the world from the half-crown, and does mind it upon all occasions.

Mrs. Prigg, apart from her high descent, was a very aristocratic person: as the presence of the grand piano in the drawing-room would testify.

She could no more live without a grand piano than ordinary people could exist without food: the grand piano, albeit a very dilapidated one, was a necessity of her well-descended condition. It was no matter that it displaced more useful furniture; in that it only imitated a good many other persons, and it told you whenever you entered the room: "You see me here in a comparatively small way, but understand, I have been in far different circ.u.mstances: I have been courted by the great, and listened to by the aristocracy of England. I follow Mrs. Prigg wherever she goes: she is a lady; her connections are high, and she never yet a.s.sociated with any but the best families. You could not diminish from her very high breeding: put her in the workhouse, and with me to accompany her, it would be transformed into a palace."

Mr. Prigg was by no means a rich man as the world counts richness. No one ever heard of his having a "_practice_," although it was believed he did a great deal in the way of "lending his name" _and profession_ to impecunious and uneducated men; who could turn many a six-and-eightpence under its prestige. So great is the moral "power of attorney," as contradistinguished from the legal "power of attorney."

But Prigg, as I have hinted, was not only respectable, he was _good_: he was more than that even, he was _notoriously_ good: so much so, that he was called, in contradistinction to all other lawyers, "_Honest Lawyer Prigg_"; and he had further acquired, almost as a universal t.i.tle, the sobriquet of "Nice." Everybody said, "What a very nice man Mr. Prigg is!" Then, in addition to all this, he was considered _clever_-why, I do not know; but I have often observed that men can obtain the reputation of being clever at very little cost, and without the least foundation. The cheapest of all ways is to abuse men who really are clever, and if your abuse be pungently and not too coa.r.s.ely worded, it will be accepted by the ignorant as _criticism_. Nothing goes down with shallow minds like criticism, and the severest criticism is generally based on envy and jealousy.

Mr. Prigg, then, was clever, respectable, good, and nice, remarkably potent qualities for success in this world.

So I saw in my dream that Mr. b.u.mpkin, whose feelings were duly aroused, turned his eye upon Honest Lawyer Prigg, and resolved to consult him upon the grievous outrage to which he had been subjected at the hands of the cunning Snooks: and without more ado he resolved to call on that very worthy and extremely nice gentleman.

CHAPTER IV.

On the extreme simplicity of going to law.

With his right leg resting on his left, with his two thumbs nicely adjusted, and with the four points of his right fingers in delicate contact with the fingers of his left hand, sat Honest Lawyer Prigg, listening to the tale of unutterable woe, as recounted by Farmer b.u.mpkin.

Sometimes the good man's eyes looked keenly at the farmer, and sometimes they scanned vacantly the ceiling, where a wandering fly seemed, like Mr.

b.u.mpkin, in search of consolation or redress. Sometimes Mr. Prigg nodded his respectable head and shoulders in token of his comprehension of Mr.

b.u.mpkin's lucid statement: then he nodded two or three times in succession, implying that the Court was with Mr. b.u.mpkin, and occasionally he would utter with a soft soothing voice,

"Quite so!"

When he said "quite so," he parted his fingers, and reunited them with great precision; then he softly tapped them together, closed his eyes, and seemed lost in profound meditation.

Here Mr. b.u.mpkin paused and stared. Was Mr. Prigg listening?

"Pray proceed," said the lawyer, "I quite follow you;-never mind about what anybody else had offered you for the pig-the question really is whether you actually sold this pig to Snooks or not-whether the bargain was complete or inchoate."

Mr. b.u.mpkin stared again. "I beant much of a scollard, sir," he observed; "but I'll take my oath I never sold un t'pig."

"That is the question," remarked the lawyer. "You say you did not?

Quite so; had this Joe of yours any authority to receive money on your behalf?"

"Devil a bit," answered b.u.mpkin.

"Excuse me," said Mr. Prigg, "I have to put these questions: it is necessary that I should understand where we are: of course, if you did not sell the pig, he had no right whatever to come and take it out of the sty-it was a trespa.s.s?"

"That's what I says," said b.u.mpkin; and down went his fist on Mr. Prigg's table with such vehemence that the solicitor started as though aroused by a shock of dynamite.

"Let us be calm," said the lawyer, taking some paper from his desk, and carefully examining the nib of a quill pen, "Let me see, I think you said your name was Thomas?"

"That's it, sir; and so was my father's afore me."

"Thomas b.u.mpkin?"

"I beant ashamed on him."

And then Mr. Prigg wrote out a doc.u.ment and read it aloud; and Mr.

b.u.mpkin agreeing with it, scratched his name at the bottom-very badly scratched it was, but well enough for Mr. Prigg. This was simply to retain Mr. Prigg as his solicitor in the cause of _b.u.mpkin_ v. _Snooks_.

"Quite so, quite so; now let me see; be calm, Mr. b.u.mpkin, be calm; in all these matters we must never lose our self-possession. You see, I am not excited."

"Noa," said b.u.mpkin; "but then ur dint tak thy pig."

"Quite true, I can appreciate the position, it was no doubt a gross outrage. Now tell me-this Snooks, as I understand, is the coal-merchant down the village?"

"That's ur," said b.u.mpkin.

"I suppose he's a man of some property, eh?"

Mr. b.u.mpkin looked for a few moments without speaking, and then said:

"He wur allays a close-fisted un, and I should reckon have a goodish bit o' property."

"Because you know," remarked the solicitor, "it is highly important, when one wins a case and obtains damages, that the defendant should be in a position to pay them."

This was the first time that ever the flavour of damages had got into b.u.mpkin's mouth; and a very nice flavour it was. To beat Snooks was one thing, a satisfaction; to make him pay was another, a luxury.

"Yes, sir," he repeated; "I bleeve he ave, I bleeve he ave."

"What makes you think so?"