The Humourous Story of Farmer Bumpkin's Lawsuit Part 24

"What time was this?" asks the clerk.

"Arf arter four, as near as I can tell."

"How do you know?" asks the clerk.

"I heard-"

"I object," says the Counsel-"can't tell us what he heard."

Then I perceived that the Lord Mayor leant forward towards Mr.

Keepimstraight, and the latter gentleman turned his head and leaned towards the Lord Mayor, so that his Lords.h.i.+p could obtain a full view of Mr. Keepimstraight's eyes.

Then I perceived that Mr. Keepimstraight winked his left eye and immediately turned to his work again, and his Lords.h.i.+p said:

"I don't think what you heard, witness, is evidence."

"Can't have that," said Mr. Keepimstraight, as though he took his instructions and the Law from his Lords.h.i.+p.

"You said it was half-past four."

"Heard the clock strike th' arf hour."

Here his Lords.h.i.+p leant again forward and Mr. Keepimstraight turned round so as to bring his eyes into the same position as heretofore. And I perceived that Mr. Keepimstraight winked his right eye, upon which his Lords.h.i.+p said:

"I think that's evidence."

Clerk whispered, behind his hand, "Can hardly exclude that."

"Can hardly exclude that," repeats his Lords.h.i.+p; then-turning to the Learned Counsel-"Can't shut that out, Mr. Nimble."

"You seldom can shut a church clock out, my Lord," replies the Counsel.

At this answer his Lords.h.i.+p smiled and the Court was convulsed with laughter for several minutes.

"Now, then," said Mr. Keepimstraight, "we must have order in Court."

"We must have order in Court," says his Lords.h.i.+p.

"Order in Court," says the Junior Clerk, and "Order!" shouts the Policeman on duty.

Then Mr. b.u.mpkin stated in clear and intelligible language how the man came up and took his watch and ran away. Foolishly enough he said nothing about the woman with the baby, and wisely enough Mr. Nimble asked nothing about it. But what an opportunity this would have been for an unskilful Counsel to lay the foundation for a conviction. Knowing, as he probably would from the prisoner but from no other possible source about the circ.u.mstance, he might have shown by a question or two that it was a conspiracy between the prisoner and the young woman. Not so Mr. Nimble, he knew how to make an investment of this circ.u.mstance for future profit: indeed Mr. b.u.mpkin had invested it for him by not mentioning it.

Beautiful is Advocacy if you do not mar it by unskilful handling.

When, after describing the robbery, the prosecutor continued:

"I ses to my companion, ses I-"

"I object," says Mr. Nimble.

And I perceived that his Lords.h.i.+p leant forward once more towards Mr.

Keepimstraight, and Mr. Keepimstraight turned as aforetime towards the Lord Mayor, but not quite, I thought, so fully round as heretofore; the motion seemed to be performed with less exactness than usual, and that probably was why the operation miscarried. Mr. Keepimstraight having given the correct signal, as he thought, and the Enginedriver on the Bench having misunderstood it, an accident naturally would have taken place but for the extreme caution and care of his Lords.h.i.+p, who, if he had been a young Enginedriver, would in all probability have dashed on neck or nothing through every obstacle. Not so his Lords.h.i.+p. Not being sure whether he was on the up or down line, he pulled up.

Mr. Keepimstraight sat pen in hand looking at his paper, and waiting for the judicial voice which should convey to his ear the announcement that "I ses, ses I," is evidence or no evidence. Judge then of Mr.

Keepimstraight's disappointment when, after waiting in breathless silence for some five minutes, he at last looks up and sees his Lords.h.i.+p in deep anxiety to catch his eye without the public observing it. His Lords.h.i.+p leant forward, blus.h.i.+ng with innocence, and whispered something behind his hand to Mr. Keepimstraight. And in my dream I heard his Lords.h.i.+p ask:

"_Which eye_?"

To which Mr. Keepimstraight as coolly as if nothing had happened, whispered behind his hand:

"_Left_!" and then coughed.

"O then," exclaimed his Lords.h.i.+p, "it is clearly not evidence."

"It's not evidence," repeated the clerk; and then to the discomfiture of Mr. Nimble, he went on, "You say you had a companion."

This was more than the learned Counsel wanted, seeing as he did that there was another investment to be made if he could only manage it.

Mr. b.u.mpkin blushed now, but said nothing.

"Would you excuse me," said Mr. Nimble; "I shall not cross-examine this witness."

"O, very good," says Keepimstraight, thinking probably it was to be a plea of guilty hereafter; "very good. Then I think that is all-is that the watch?"

"It be," said the witness; "I ken swear to un."

It certainly would be from no want of metal if Mr. b.u.mpkin could not identify the timepiece, for it was a ponderous-looking watch, nearly as large as a tea-saucer.

Then said Mr. Nimble:

"You say that is your watch, do you?"

"It spakes for itself."

"I don't think that's evidence," says Mr. Keepimstraight, with a smile.

"That's clearly not evidence," says the Lord Mayor, gravely. Whereupon there was another burst of laughter, in which the clerk seemed to take the lead. The remarkable fact, however, was, that his Lords.h.i.+p was perfectly at a loss to comprehend the joke. He was "as grave as a Judge."

After the laughter had subsided, the learned Keepimstraight leaned backward, and the learned Lord Mayor leaned forward, and it seemed to me they were conversing together about the cause of the laughter; for suddenly a smile illuminated the rubicund face of the cheery Lord Mayor, and at last he had a laugh to himself-a solo, after the band had ceased.

And then his Lords.h.i.+p spoke:

"What your watch may say is not evidence, because it has not been sworn."

Then the band struck up again to a lively tune, his Lords.h.i.+p playing the first Fiddle; and the whole scene terminated in the most humorous and satisfactory manner for all parties-_except_, perhaps, the prisoner-who was duly committed for trial to the next sittings of the Central Criminal Court, which were to take place in a fortnight.

Mr. b.u.mpkin naturally asked for his watch, but that request was smilingly refused.

"Bin in our famly forty years," exclaimed the prisoner.