The Humourous Story of Farmer Bumpkin's Lawsuit Part 48

"Bean't wery well," answered Mr. b.u.mpkin, "I can tell 'ee."

"What's the matter? dear me, why, what's the matter? We must be cool, you know. Nothing like coolness, if we are to win our battle."

"Lookee 'ere," said b.u.mpkin; "lookee 'ere, sir; I bin here dordlin' about off an' on six weeks, and this 'ere dam trial-"

"Sh-s.h.!.+" remonstrated Mr. Prigg with the softest voice, and just lifting his left hand on a level with his forehead. "Let us learn resignation, good Mr. b.u.mpkin. Let us learn it at the feet of disappointment and losses and crosses."

"Yes, yes," said b.u.mpkin; "but thic larnin' be spensive, I be payin' for it."

"Mr. b.u.mpkin," said the good man sternly, "the dispensations of Providence are not to be denounced in this way. You are a man, b.u.mpkin; let us act, then, the man's part. You see these boxes, these names: they represent men who have gone through the furnace; let us be patient."

"But I be sick on it. I wish I'd never know'd what law wur."

"Ah, sir, most of us would like to exist in that state of wild and uncultured freedom which only savages and beasts are permitted to enjoy; but life has higher aims, Mr. b.u.mpkin; grander pursuits; more sublime duties."

"Well, sir, I bean't no schollard and so can't argify; but if thee plase to tell I, sir, when this case o' mine be likely to come on-"

"I was just that minute going to write to you, Mr. b.u.mpkin, as your name was announced, to say that it would not be taken until next term."

Mr. b.u.mpkin uttered an exclamation which is not for print, and which caused the good Prigg to clap his hands to his ears and press them tightly for five minutes. Then he took them away and rubbed them together (I mean his hands), as though he were was.h.i.+ng them from the contaminating influence of Mr. b.u.mpkin's language.

"Quite so," he said, mechanically; "dear me!"

"What be quite so," asked Mr. b.u.mpkin.

"Yes-yes-you see," said Prigg, "Her Majesty's Judges have to go circuit; or, as it is technically called, jail delivery."

"They be allays gwine suckitt."

"Quite so. That is precisely what the profession is always observing.

No sooner do they return from one circuit than they start off on another.

Are you aware, Mr. b.u.mpkin, that we pay a judge five thousand a-year to try a pickpocket?"

"Hem!" said b.u.mpkin, "I bean't aware on it. Never used t' have so many o' these 'ere-what d'ye call 'ems?"

"Circuits. No-but you see, here now is an instance. There's a prisoner away somewhere, I think down at Bodmin, hundreds of miles off, and I believe he has sent to say that they must come down and try him at once, for he can't wait."

"I'd mak' un wait. Why should honest men wait for sich as he? I bin waitin' long enough."

"Quite so. And the consequence is that the Lord Chief Justice of England is going down to try him, a common pickpocket, I believe, and his Lords.h.i.+p is the very head of the Judicial Body."

"Hem!" said Mr. b.u.mpkin; "then I may as well goo hoame?"

"Quite so," answered the amiable Prigg; "in fact, better-much better."

"An' we shan't come on now, sir; bean't there no chance?"

"Not the least, my dear sir; but you see we have not been idle; we have been advancing, in fact, during the whole time that has seemed to you so long. Now, just look, my dear sir; we have fought no less than ten appeals, right up, mind you, to the Court of Appeal itself; we have fought two demurrers; we have compelled them three times to give better answers to our interrogatories, and we have had fourteen other summonses at Chambers on which they have not thought proper to appeal beyond the Judge. Now, Mr. b.u.mpkin, after that, I _think_ you ought to be satisfied; but really that is one of the most disparaging things in the profession, the most disparaging, I may say; we find it so difficult to show our clients that we have done enough for them."

"An' thee think, sir, as we shall win un?" said b.u.mpkin.

"Well," said Mr. Prigg, "I never like to prophesy; but if ever a case looked like winning it's _b.u.mpkin_ v. _Snooks_. And I may tell you this, Mr. b.u.mpkin, only pray don't say that I told you."

"What be thic, sir?" asked the eager client, with his eyes open as widely as ever client's can be.

"The other side are in a tre-_men_-dous way!"

"What, funkin', be um? I said so. That there Snooks be a rank bad un-now, then, we'll at un like steam."

"All in good time, b.u.mpkin," said the worthy Prigg, affectionately taking his client's hand. "All in good time. My kind regards to Mrs. b.u.mpkin.

I suppose you return to-night?"

"Ay, sir, I be off by the fust train. Good day t' ye, sir; good day and thankee."

Thus comforted and thus grateful did the confiding client take leave of his legal adviser, who immediately took down his costs-book and booked a long conference, including the two hours that Mr. b.u.mpkin was kept in the "outer office." This followed immediately after another "long conference with you when you thought we should be in the paper to-morrow from what a certain Mr. O'Rapley had told you, and I thought we should not."

As he pa.s.sed through the "outer office" he shook. Horatio by the hand.

"Good-bye, sir. I knows what it wur now-bean't comin' on."

"Don't say I told you," said the pale boy, as though he were afraid of communicating some tremendous secret.

"Noa, thee bean't told I. Now, lookee 'ere, Mr. Jigger, come down when thee like; I shall be rare and prood to see thee, and so'll Missus."

"Thanks," said Horatio; "I'll be sure and come. _Mither woy_!"

"Ha! mither woy, lad! that's ur; thee got un. Good-bye."

CHAPTER x.x.xI.

Mr. b.u.mpkin at home again.

How peaceful the farm seemed after all the turmoil and worry that Farmer b.u.mpkin had been subjected to in London! What a haven of rest is a peaceful Home! How the ducks seemed to quack!-louder, as Mr. b.u.mpkin thought, than they ever did before. The little flock of sheep looked up as he went, with his old ash stick under his arm, to look round the farm.

They seemed to say to one another, "Why, here's Master; I told you he'd come back." And the cows turned their heads and bellowed a loud welcome.

They knew nothing of his troubles, and only expressed their extreme pleasure at seeing him again. They left off eating the whole time he was with them; for they were very well bred Shorthorns and Alderneys. It was quite pleasant to see how well behaved they all were. And Mrs. b.u.mpkin pointed out which ones had calved and which were expected to calve in the course of a few months. And then the majestic bull looked up with an expression of immense delight; came up to Mr. b.u.mpkin and put his nose in his master's hand, and gazed as only a bull would gaze on a farmer who had spent several weeks in London. It was astonis.h.i.+ng with what admiration the bull regarded him; and he seemed quite delighted as Mrs.

b.u.mpkin told her husband of the bull's good conduct in his absence; how he had never broken bounds once, and had behaved himself as an exemplary bull on all occasions.

"But," said Mrs. b.u.mpkin, "I be 'bliged to say, Tom, that there Mrs.

Snooks have belied him shamefully. She haven't got a good word to say for un; nor, for the matter o' that, for anything on the farm."

"Never mind," said Mr. b.u.mpkin; "he bean't the only one as 'ave been slandered hereabouts."

"No, Tom, sure enough; but we bean't 'bliged to heed un."

"No, nor wun't. And now here come Tim."