The Humourous Story of Farmer Bumpkin's Lawsuit Part 5

"And I member the price wull, becos he said 'You beant sellin coals, recollect, so you doant ave me."

"Ho! ho!" exclaimed Locust rubbing his hands, "You are sure he said that?" writing down the words carefully.

"I be."

"That will do, we've got him: we've got him nicely. Was anybody present when he said this?"

"Yes, sir. Joe were there, and t' best o' my belief, Mrs. b.u.mpkin."

"Never mind Mrs. b.u.mpkin. I don't suppose she was there, if you come to recollect; it's quite enough if Joe was present and could hear what was said. I suppose he could hear it?"

"Stood cloase by."

"Very well-that is slander-and slander of a very gross kind. We've got him."

"Be it?" said Snooks.

"I'll show you," said Locust; "in law a man slanders you if he insinuates that you are dishonest; now what does this b.u.mpkin do? he says 'you don't have me,' meaning thereby that you don't trick him out of his pig; and, 'you are not selling coals,' meaning that when you do sell coals you do trick people. Do you see?-that you cheat them, in fact rob them."

Snooks thought Mr. Locust the most wonderful man he had ever come across.

This was quite a new way of putting it.

"But ur didn't say as much," he said, wondering whether that made any difference.

"Perfectly immaterial in law," said Mr. Locust: "it isn't what a man says, it's what he _means_: you put that in by an innuendo-"

"A what, sir? begging pardon-"

"It's what we lawyers call an innuendo: that is to say, making out that a man says so and so when he doesn't."

"I zee," said the artful Snooks, quick at apprehending every point.

"Then if he called a chap a devilish honest man and the innu-what d'ye call it, meant he were a thief, you got him?"

"Well," said Mr. Locust, smiling, "that is going rather far, Mr. Snooks, but I see you understand what I mean."

"I thinks so, sir. I thinks I has your meanin."

"It's a very gross slander," observed Mr. Locust, "and especially upon a tradesman in your position. I suppose now you have lived in the neighbourhood a considerable time?"

"All my life, sir."

"Ah! just so, just so-now let me see; and, if I remember rightly, you have a vote for the County."

"I ave, sir, and allus votes blue, and that's moore."

"Then you're on our side. I'm very glad indeed to hear that; a vote's a vote, you know, now-a-days."

Any one would have thought, to hear Mr. Locust, that votes were scarce commodities, whereas we know that they are among the most plentiful articles of commerce as well as the cheapest.

"And you have, I think, a family, Mr. Snooks."

"Four on em, sir."

"Ah! how very nice, how laudable to make a little provision for them: as I often say, if a man can only leave his children a few hundreds apiece, it's something."

The solicitor watched his client's face as he uttered this profound truism, and the face being as open and genuine as was Snooks' character, it said plainly enough "Yes, I have a few hundreds."

"Well then," continued Mr. Locust, "having been in business all these years, and being, as times go, tolerably successful, being a careful man, and having got together by honest industry a nice little independency-"

Here the learned gentleman paused, and here, unfortunately, Snooks' open and candid heart revealed itself through his open and candid countenance.

"I _believe_," said Mr. Locust, "I am right?"

"You're about right, sir."

"Very charming, very gratifying to one's feelings," continued Mr. Locust; "and then, just as you are beginning to get comfortable and getting your family placed in the world, here comes this what shall I call him, I never like to use strong language, this intolerable blackguard, and calls you a thief-a detestable thief."

"Well, he didn't use that air word, sir-I wool say that," said Mr.

Snooks.

"In law he did, my good man-he meant it and said it-he insinuated that you cheated the poor-you serve a good many of the poor, I think?"

"I do, sir."

"Well, he insinuated that you cheated them by giving short weight and bad coals-that is worse than being a thief, to my mind-such a man deserves hanging."

"d.a.m.n him," said Snooks, "that's it, is it?"

"That's it, my dear sir, smooth it over as you will. I don't want to make more of it than necessary, but we must look at it fairly and study the consequences. Now I want to ask you particularly, because we must claim special damage for this, if possible-have you lost any customers through this outrageous slander?"

"Can't say I have, rightly, sir."

"No, but you will-mark my words, as soon as people hear of this they will cease to deal with you. They can't deal with you."

"I hope not, sir."

"So do I; but let me tell Mr. b.u.mpkin" (here the learned man shook his forefinger as though it had been the often quoted finger of scorn) "that for every customer you lose we'll make him answerable in damages. He'll repeat this slander: take my advice and get some one to look out, and make a note of it-be on your guard!"

Snooks wiped the perspiration from his forehead and then threw his large coloured handkerchief into his hat, which he held by both hands between his knees,

"It be a bad case then, sir?"

"A very bad case for b.u.mpkin!" replied Mr. Locust; "let me have a list of your customers as soon as you can, and we shall see who leaves you in consequence of this slander. Does my friend, Mr. Overrighteous, deal with you? I think he does?"

"He do, sir, and have for five or six years-and a good customer he be."

"Ah! now, there's a man! Whatever you do don't let Mr. Overrighteous know of it: he would leave you directly: a more particular man than that can't be. Then again, there is my friend Flythekite, does he deal with you? Of course he does!"

"Yes, sir."