The Humourous Story of Farmer Bumpkin's Lawsuit Part 53

"I'm sure," said Mrs. b.u.mpkin; "I be 'ardly fit to wait on a gennleman like you. I ain't 'ad time this morning to change my gown and tidy up myself."

"Really, my dear madam-don't, now; I adjure you; make no apologies-it is not the dress-or the-or the -, anything in fact, that makes us what we are;-don't, if you please."

And here his profound sentiments died away again and were lost to the world; and the worthy man, not long after, was discussing his favourite dish with greedy relish.

"An when'll this 'ere thing be on, Mr. Prigg, does thee think? It be a h.e.l.l of a long time."

"Tom! Tom!" exclaimed Mrs. b.u.mpkin. But Mr. Prigg was too well bred and too much occupied with his pork and greens to hear the very wayward epithet of the Farmer b.u.mpkin.

"Quite so," said the lawyer; "quite so, it is so difficult to tell when a case will come on. You're in the list to-day and gone to-morrow; a man the other day was just worried as you have been; but mark this; at the trial, Mr. b.u.mpkin, the jury gave that man a verdict for a thousand pounds!"

"Look at that, Nancy," exclaimed Mr. b.u.mpkin; "Will 'ee tak a little more pork, sir?"

"Thank you," said Mr. Prigg, "it's uncommonly good; some of your own feeding, I suppose?"

"Ay," said Mr. b.u.mpkin.

"Were that a pig case, Mr. Prigg, where the man got the thousand pounds?"

asked Mrs. b.u.mpkin.

"Let me see," answered Prigg, "_was_ it a pig case?" Here he put his finger to the side of his nose. "I really, at this moment, quite forget whether it was or was not a pig case. I'll trouble you, Mrs. b.u.mpkin, for a little more greens, if you please."

"Now, I wur saying," said b.u.mpkin, "jist as thee comed in, where be I to lodge when I gooes to Lunnon agin?"

"Ah, now, quite so-yes; and you must go in a day or two. I expect we shall be on shortly. Now, let me see, you don't like 'The Goose'? A nice respectable hostelry, too!"

"I wunt 'ave un goo there, Mr. Prigg," said Mrs. b.u.mpkin.

"Quite so-quite so. Now what I was thinking was, suppose you took lodgings at some nice suburban place, say-"

"What pleace, sir?" inquired b.u.mpkin.

"Let us say Camden Town, for instance-nice healthy neighbourhood and remarkably quiet. You could come every morning by 'bus, or if you preferred it, by rail; and if by rail, you could take a season ticket, which would be much cheaper; a six months' ticket, again, being cheaper than a three months' ticket."

"In the name o' Heaven, sir," exclaimed Mrs. b.u.mpkin, "be this 'ere thing gwine on for ever?"

Mr. Prigg smiled benignly, as much as to say, "You ladies are so impatient, so innocent of the business of life."

"It seems to me, Mr. Prigg, one need live to be as old as thic there Mackthusaler to bring a law-suit now-a-days."

"Now, look at that!" broke in Joe, "it's made master look forty year older aready."

"So it have, Joe," rejoined the mistress; "I wish it could be chucked up altogether."

Mr. Prigg benignantly shook his head.

"D'ye think I be gwine to give in to thic sn.i.g.g.e.rin' Snooks feller?"

asked Mr. b.u.mpkin. "Not if I knows it. Why thic feller goo sn.i.g.g.e.rin'

along th' street as though he'd won; and he 'ave told lots o' people how he'll laugh I out o' Coourt-his counsel be gwine to laugh I out o' Coourt becors I be a country farmer."

"Right can't be laughed out of Court, sir," said the excellent Prigg, solemnly.

"Noa, noa, right bean't asheamed, goo where ur wool. Upright and down-straight wur allays my motto. I be a plain man, but I allays tried to act straight-forrerd, and bean't asheamed o' no man."

This speech was a complete success: it was unanswerable. It fixed the lodgings at Camden Town. It stopped Mrs. b.u.mpkin's impatience; diminished her apprehensions; and apparently, lulled her misgivings. She was a gentle, hard-working, loving wife.

And so all was settled. It was the month of April, and it was confidently expected that by the end of July all would be comfortably finished in time to get in the harvest. The crops looked well; the meadows and clover-field promised a fair crop, and the wheat and barley never looked better.

The following week found Mr. b.u.mpkin in his new lodgings at Camden Town; and I verily believe, as Mr. Prigg very sagaciously observed, if it had not been for the Judges going circuit, _b.u.mpkin_ v. _Snooks_ would have been in the paper six weeks earlier than it really was. But even lawsuits must come on at last, be they never so tardy: and one day, in bustling haste, Mr. Prigg's young man informed Mr. b.u.mpkin that a consultation was actually fixed at his leader's chambers, Garden Court, Temple, at seven o'clock punctually the next day.

b.u.mpkin was delighted: he was to be present at the express wish of the leading counsel. So to Garden Court he went at seven, with Mr. Prigg; and there sure enough was Mr. Dynamite, his junior counsel. Mr.

Catapult, Q.C., had not yet arrived. So while they waited, Mr. b.u.mpkin had an opportunity of looking about him; never in his life had he seen so many books. There they were all over the walls; shelves upon shelves.

The chambers seemed built with books, and Mr. b.u.mpkin raised his eyes with awe to the ceiling, expecting to see books there.

"What be all these 'ere books, sir?" he whispered to Prigg.

"These are law books," answered the intelligent Prigg; "but these are only a few."

"Must be a good dale o' law," said b.u.mpkin.

"A good deal too much," observed Mr. Dynamite, with a smile; "if we were to burn nine-tenths of the law books we should have better law, eh, Mr.

Prigg?"

Mr. Prigg never contradicted counsel; and if Mr. Dynamite had said it's a great pity that our libraries have so few authorities, Prigg would have made the same answer, "I quite agree, quite so! quite so!"

"Mr. Cats-'is-name don't seem to come," observed b.u.mpkin, after an hour and a half had pa.s.sed.

"Mr. _Catapult_, Mr. _Catapult_," said Mr. Prigg; "no, he doesn't seem to come." And then he rang for the clerk, and the clerk came.

"Do you think Mr. Catapult will return to-night?" inquired Prigg.

"I don't think he will," said the clerk, looking at his watch; "I am afraid not."

"Beant much good to stop then," said Mr. b.u.mpkin.

"I fear not," observed the clerk, "he has so many engagements. Shall we fix another consultation, Mr. Prigg?"

"If you please," said that gentleman.

"Say half-past seven to-morrow, then. The case, I find, is not in the paper to-morrow."

"Quite so, quite so," returned Prigg, "half-past seven to-morrow."

And thus the consultation was at an end and the parties went their several ways.

CHAPTER x.x.xIV.