The Humourous Story of Farmer Bumpkin's Lawsuit Part 57

"Be careful, sir-she may be in Court."

"Let her come forward then," said the courageous Silverspoon, who was by no means wanting in tact.

"Will you be quiet, sir," retorted Ricochet. "Now Mr. b.u.mpkin, or whatever your name is, will you swear she did not accuse you of a.s.saulting her?"

"She coomed oop, and it's my belief she wur in the robbery."

"Bravo b.u.mpkin!" said one of the men who had chaffed him. And the jury looked at one another in a manner that showed approval.

"Will you swear, sir, you have never been in trouble?"

"I donnow what thee means."

"Be careful, sir; you know what I mean perfectly well."

Then Locust whispers to him, and he says:

"O, you frequent Music Halls, don't you?"

"Donnow what thee means," says b.u.mpkin.

"O, you don't, don't you; will you swear that?"

"I wool."

"Be careful, sir. Were you at the Canterbury Hall with two women, who pa.s.sed as the Countess and Lady Flora?"

"It be a lie!"

And thus every form of torture was ruthlessly employed, till Mr. b.u.mpkin broke down under it, and cried like a child in the witness-box. This awakened sympathy for him. There had been much humour and much laughter; and Mr. Ricochet having no knowledge of human nature, was not aware how closely allied are laughter and tears; that in proportion as the jury had laughed at the expense of Mr. b.u.mpkin they would sympathize with his unhappy position.

"I've worked hard," said he, "for sixty year, and let any man come forrard and say I've wronged man, ooman, or child!"

That was a point for b.u.mpkin. Every one said, "Poor old man!" and even his Lords.h.i.+p, who was supposed to have no feeling, was quite sympathetic.

Only Mr. Ricochet was obtuse. He had no heart, and very little skill, or he would have managed his case more adroitly. "Badgering" is not much use if you have no better mode of winning your case.

"Stand down, Mr. b.u.mpkin," said his counsel, as Mr. Ricochet resumed his seat amid the suppressed hisses of the gallery.

"Joseph Wurzel," said Mr. Silverspoon.

Joe appeared in the uniform of the Hussars. And he wore a medal too.

Mr. Ricochet had no sympathy with heroes any more than he had with men of letters, artists, or any other cla.s.s of talent. He was a dry, uncompromising, blunt, unfeeling lawyer, looking at justice as a thimblerig looks at his pea; lift which thimble you may, he will take care the pea shall not be found if he can help it. He smiled a grim, inhuman smile at b.u.mpkin's tears, and muttered that he was an "unmanly milksop."

Joe gave his evidence briefly and without hesitation. Everyone could see he was speaking the truth; everybody but Mr. Ricochet, who commenced his cross-examination by telling him to be careful, and that he was upon his oath.

"Be careful, sir;" he repeated.

Joe looked.

"You are on your oath, sir." Joe faced him.

"You deserted your master, did you?"

"No," said Joe; "I aint no deserter?"

"But you enlisted."

"I don't know as that's desertion," said Joe; "and I'm here to speak for him now; and I give my evidence at Malta, too."

"Do you swear that, sir?" enquired Mr. Ricochet. "Were you not with your master when the young woman accused him of a.s.saulting her?"

"I was not."

"Why did you enlist, then?" enquired Mr. Ricochet.

"Cause I choose to," said Joe.

"Now, sir, upon your oath; I ask you, did you not enlist because of this charge?"

"No; I never heard on it till arter I was listed."

"When did you hear of it?"

"At the trial at the Old Bailey."

"O," said the learned Q.C.; "wait a minute, you were there, were you?

Were you there as a witness?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because I warnt."

"Will you swear that?" asked Ricochet, amid roars of laughter.

"What were you there for?"

"To hear the trial!"

"And you were not called?"

"No."

"And do you mean on your oath, sir, to say that you had enlisted at that time."

"Now look at that," said Joe; "the Sergeant there enlisted me, and he knows."

"I suppose you had seen your master's watch many times?"