The Humourous Story of Farmer Bumpkin's Lawsuit Part 64

But LAW, thou art a tender plant That needs must droop and die; And bear no fruit unless thy root Be watered constantly:

And b.u.mpkin with a generous hand Had given thee good supply; He drained the well, and yet withal The n.o.ble Prigg was dry.

With plaintive look would move a stone, Tom gazed on Lawyer Prigg: Who rubbed his hands and said, "You see, It's not so much the pig."

"Noa, noa, it be th' horses moore, The calf and sheep and kine, Where be th' hay-rick and the straw?

And where thic bull o' mine?"

The Lawyer said, "Quite so, quite so!"

Looked wise, and wisely grinned; For Tom was like a s.h.i.+p becalmed, He stopped for want of wind.

"You see," said Prigg with gravity Would almost make you laugh, "Our leading Counsel had the Cow, The junior had the Calf.

"The hay and straw _Rules nisi_ got, Made _Absolute_ with corn, The pigs made _Interrogat'ries_, Most beautifully drawn.

"The Bacon-ah, dear b.u.mpkin, few In Law suits ever save it; It made together with the sow, A splendid _Affidavit_.

"The c.o.c.ks and hens the _Pleadings_ did Most exquisitely utter; And some few pans of cream there were, Which made the _Surre-b.u.t.ter_."

"Why, Surrey b.u.t.ter! I'd a tub The best in this ere nation"- "Quite so!" said Prigg; "but you forget, 'Twas used in _Consultation_."

"Well, well, of all the hungry mouths, There's nothing like the Law's; No wonder they can talk if that Be how they iles their jaws.

"Now just look ere; I'd twenty cheese, The finest of old Ches.h.i.+res,"- "Quite so, quite so!" said Prigg; "but they Just furnished the _Refreshers_.

"The a.s.s for the _Opinion_ went; The Horses, _Costs_ between us; And all the Ducks and Drakes, my boy, Were turned into SUBPNAS."

"I zee it all; the road to Ruin, Straight as any furrer: That Bull o' mine"-"Excuse me, Sir, Went up upon DEMURRER."

"Then beant there nothing left for I, In all this ere undoin?

Nay, Nance, our fireside be gone, It's emptiness and ruin.

"I wish we'd fought un out ourselves Wi' fists instead o' law; Since Samson fit, there never was Good fightin wi the jaw."

So _now_ Tom's not a thriving man, He owns not cow or pig; And evermore he'll be in debt To Honest Lawyer Prigg.

BRADBURY, AGNEW, & CO., PRINTERS, WHITEFRIARS.

Footnotes

{0a} Since the First Edition, "a bulky volume" of new rules has appeared. No independent existence at present, and therefore anatomy uncertain. I have peeped at it, and think if it reaches maturity it will help the rich litigant very much; and, if it abolishes trial by jury, as it threatens, we shall be, in time to come, a Judge-ridden people, which G.o.d forbid. I am not afraid of a Judge now, but I should be then. The choice in the future _might_ be between servility and a prison; and I sincerely believe that if trial by jury should be abolished, this country would not be safe to live in. Much _mending_, therefore, and consequently the more holes. I wonder what the Liberalism of the future will say when it learns that the Liberalism of Mr. Gladstone's Government struck the first blow at _Trial by Jury_? Truly "the axe to laid to the root of the tree," and, reversing the Divine order, "every tree that _bringeth forth good fruit is_" in danger of being "hewn down."

R. H.

{22} This inscription, with the exception of the names, is a literal copy.

{52} Modern pleaders would say the Court would take judicial notice of the existence of Egypt: I am aware of this, but at the time I write of the Courts were too young to take notice.

{138} The correctness of Mr. O'Rapley's views may be vouched for by a newspaper report in the _Evening Standard_ of April 17th, 1883, which was as follows:-"Mr. Justice Day in charging the Grand Jury at the Manchester Spring a.s.sizes yesterday, expressed his disagreement with the opinion of other Judges in favour of the Commission being so altered that the Judge would have to 'deliver all the prisoners detained in gaol,' and regarded it as a waste of the Judge's time that he should have to try a case in which a woman was indicted for stealing a shawl worth three-and-ninepence, or a prisoner charged with stealing two mutton pies and two ounces of bacon."