Jokes For All Occasions Part 60

"Can you play bridge to-night?"

"Sorry. Going to hear some Wagner."

"What--do you like the stuff?"

"Frankly, no; but I've heard on the best authority that his music's very much better than it sounds."

_Master:_ "But, Jenkins, the name of the complaint is not pewmonia.

Surely, you've heard me again and again say '_pneu_monia'?"

_Man:_ "Well, Sir, I _'ave_; but I didn't like to correct you."

_Successful Poultry Farmer:_ "You'd be surprised what a difference these incubators make. We can hatch out two or three hundred chicks every week."

_Champion Dog Breeder:_ "Good gracious! How ever do you manage to find names for them all?"

_Small Boy_ (_who has been promised a visit to the Zoo to-morrow_): "I hope we shall have a better day for it than Noah had."

_Mother:_ "Oh, Mary, why _do_ you wipe your mouth with the back of your hand?"

_Mary:_ "'Cos it's so much cleaner than the front."

_Mother_ (_to child who has been naughty_): "Aren't you rather ashamed of yourself?"

_Child:_ "Well, Mother, I wasn't. But now that you've suggested it I am."

A CONSOLING THOUGHT

_Belated Traveller_ (_surprised by a bull when taking a short cut to the station_): "By jove! I believe I shall catch that train after all."

LIFE'S DIFFICULTIES

_Mother:_ "Why, what's the matter, darling?"

_Small daughter_ (_tearfully_): "Oh, Mums, I do so want to give this worm to my hen."

_Mother:_ "Then why don't you?"

_Small daughter_ (_with renewed wails_): "'C-cos I'm so afraid the worm won't like it."

"Does G.o.d make lions, Mother?"

"Yes, dear."

"But isn't he frightened to?"

"Excuse me, officer, but have you seen any pickpockets about here with a handkerchief marked 'Susan'?"

_Mrs. Green to Mrs. Jones_ (_who is gazing at an aeroplane_): "My word!

I shouldn't care for one of _them_ flying things to settle on me."

_The Woman:_ "Jazz stockings are the latest thing, dear. Here's a picture of a girl with them on."

_The Man:_ "What appalling rot! Er--after you with the paper."

_Small Invalid_ (_to visitor_): "I've had a lot of diseases in my time--measles--whooping-cough--influenza--tonsilitis--but (_modestly_) I haven't had dropsy yet."

THE SERVANT PROBLEM

_Lady:_ "And why did your last mistress----"

_Applicant_ (_loftily_): "Excuse me, Madam!"

_Lady:_ "Well--er--your last employer----"

_Applicant:_ "I beg your pardon, Madam!"

_Lady:_ "Well, then, your last--er--pray what do you call those in whose service you are engaged?"

_Applicant:_ "Clients, Madam."