Jokes For All Occasions Part 72

_Wife_ (_at upper window_): "Where you bin this hour of the night?"

"I've bin at me union, considerin' this 'ere strike."

"Well--you can stay down there an' consider this 'ere lock-out."

_Motor-Launch Officer_ (_who has rung for full-speed without result_): "What's the matter?"

_Voice-from below:_ "One of the cylinders is missing, Sir."

_Commander:_ "Well, look sharp and find the bally thing--we want to get on."

_Mother:_ "Did you remember to pray for everybody, dear?"

_Daughter:_ "Well, Mummy, I prayed for you, but Jack prayed for Daddy.

He's looking after him just now."

JUSTIFICATION

_Wife:_ "_Two_ bottles of ginger ale, dear?"

_He:_ "Why, yes. Have you forgotten that this is the anniversary of our wedding-day?"

_First Flapper:_ "The cheek of that conductor! He glared at me as if I hadn't paid any fare."

_Second Flapper:_ "And what did you do?"

_First Flapper:_ "I just glared back at him--as if I had!"

_Mollie_ (_who has been naughty and condemned to "no toast"_): "Oh, Mummy! Anything but that! I'd rather have a hard smack--_anywhere you like_."

_Lady_ (_to doctor, who has volunteered to treat her pet dog_): "And if you find you can't cure him, Doctor, will you please put him out of pain?--and of course you must charge me just as for an ordinary patient."

_Governess:_ "Well, Mollie, what are little girls made of?"

_Mollie:_ "Sugar and spice and all that's nice."

_Governess:_ "And what are little boys made of?"

_Mollie:_ "Snips and snails and puppy dogs' tails. I told Bobbie that yesterday, and he could _hardly_ believe it."

"I say, dear old bean, will you lend me your motor-bike?"

"Of course. Why ask?"

"Well, I couldn't find the beastly thing."

_Irate Parent:_ "While you stood at the gate bidding my daughter good-night, did it ever dawn upon you--"

_The Suitor:_ "Certainly not, sir! I never stayed as late as that."

_Wife:_ "My dear, we've simply got to change our family doctor. He's so absent-minded. Why, this afternoon he was examining me with his stethoscope, and while he was listening he called out suddenly, 'Halloa!

Who is it speaking?'"

_Mrs. Goodheart:_ "I am soliciting for the poor. What do you do with your cast-off clothing?"

_Mr. Hardup:_ "I hang them up carefully and go to bed. Then I put them on again in the morning."

"What's the matter, little boy?" said the kindhearted man. "Are you lost?"

"No," was the manful answer; "I ain't lost; I'm here. But I'd like to know where father and mother have wandered to."

_Helen's elder sister:_ "You know, all the stars are worlds like ours."

_Helen:_ "Well, I shouldn't like to live on one--it would be so horrid when it twinkled."

"Can I 'ave the arternoon off to see a bloke abaht a job fer my missis?"

"You'll be back in the morning, I suppose?"

"Yus--if she don't get it."