Jokes For All Occasions Part 79

"Not lately," replied the gloomy one, with a faraway expression.

"Why did you take Meyerbeer off the dinner card?"

"People kept thinking it was something to drink."

A well-known admiral--a stickler for uniform--stopped opposite a very portly sailor whose medal-ribbon was an inch or so too low down. Fixing the man with his eye, the admiral asked: "Did you get that medal for eating, my man?" On the man replying "No, sir," the admiral rapped out: "Then why the deuce do you wear it on your stomach?"

_First Little Girl:_ What's your last name, Annie?

_Second Little Girl:_ Don't know yet; I ain't married.

_Kloseman:_ I didn't see you in church last Sunday.

_Keen:_ Don't doubt it. I took up the collection.

A Southern family had a coal-black cook named Sarah, and when her husband was killed in an accident Sarah appeared on the day of the funeral dressed in a sable outfit except in one respect. "Why, Sarah,"

said her mistress, "what made you get white gloves?" Sarah drew herself up and said in tones of dignity, "Don't you s'pose I wants dem n.i.g.g.ahs to see dat I'se got on gloves?"

_Dad_ (_sternly_): Where were you last night?

_Son:_ Oh, just riding around with some of the boys.

_Dad:_ Well, tell 'em not to leave their hairpins in the car.

Said the guest, upon approaching his host's home in the suburb, "Ah, there are some of your family on the veranda. The girl in short dresses is your daughter, the young man in riding breeches is your son, and the woman in the teagown is your charming wife." Said the host: "No, you are all wrong. The girl in the short dresses is my grandmother, the young fellow in riding breeches is my wife, and the woman in the teagown is my ten-year-old daughter, who likes to dress up in her great-grandmother's dresses."

A b.u.mptious young American farmer went to England to learn his business, but where he went he pretended that it was far easier to teach the farmers than to learn anything from them. "I've got an idea," he said one day to a grizzled old Northumbrian agriculturist, "for a new kind of fertilizer which will be ten thousand times as effective as any that has ever been tried. Condensed fertilizer--that's what it is. Enough for an acre of ground would go in one of my waistcoat pockets." "I don't doubt it, young gentleman," said the veteran of the soil. "What is more, you'll be able to put the crop into the other waistcoat pocket."

Weary Willie slouched into the p.a.w.nshop. "How much will you give me for this overcoat?" he asked, producing a faded but neatly mended garment.

Isaac looked at it critically. "Four dollars," he said.

"Why," cried Weary Willie, "that coat's worth ten dollars if it's worth a penny.'"

"I wouldn't give you ten dollars for two like that," sniffed Isaac.

"Four dollars or nothing."

"Are you sure that's all it's worth?" asked Weary Willie.

"Four dollars," repeated Isaac.

"Well, here's yer four dollars," said Weary Willie. "This overcoat was hangin' outside yer shop, and I was wonderin' how much it was really worth."

NOT IN THE BUSINESS

"I'm not quite sure about your was.h.i.+ng-machine. Will you demonstrate it again?"

"No, madam. We only do one week's was.h.i.+ng."

HER VIEWS

_Mrs. de Vere:_ "I suppose now that you have been abroad, you have your own views of foreign life!"

Mrs. Profiteer: "No, we ain't got no views. We didn't take no camera; it's so common."

A GOOD MATCH

_Proprietor:_ "What made that customer walk out? Did you offend him?"

_a.s.sistant:_ "I don't know. He said he wanted a hat to suit his head and I showed him a soft hat."

LIFE'S BIGGEST PROBLEM

_Old Job:_ "The best way to get the most out of life is to fall in love with a great problem or a beautiful woman!"

_Old Steve:_ "Why not choose the latter and get both?"

_He_ (_just introduced_): What a very homely person that gentleman near the piano is, Mrs. Black!