Jokes For All Occasions Part 85

"Never mind, my man, you'll soon be all right. Keep on smiling; that's the way in the world."

"I shall never smile again," replied the youth, sadly.

"Nonsense!" e.j.a.c.u.l.a.t.ed the vicar.

"There ain't no nonsense about it!" exclaimed the other, heatedly. "It's through smiling at another chap's girl that I'm here now."

TOO TRUE

_Screen Actress:_ I have a certificate from my doctor saying that I cannot act to-day.

_Manager:_ Why did you go to all that trouble? I could have given you a certificate saying that you never could act.

CONSERVATIVE

He was a stout man, and his feet were big in proportion. He wore stout boots, too, with broad, square, sensibly-shaped toes; and when he came into the boot shop to buy another pair, he found he had some difficulty in getting what he wanted.

A dozen, two dozen, three dozen pairs were brought and shown him.

"No, no! Square toes--must have square toes," he insisted.

"But, sir, everybody is wearing shoes with pointed toes. They are fas.h.i.+onable this season."

"I'm sorry," said the stout man gravely, as he got up and prepared to leave the shop. "I'm very sorry to have troubled you, I'm sure. But, you see, I'm still wearing my last season's feet!"

HE HAD HEARD OF THEM

It was company field training. The captain saw a young soldier trying to cook his breakfast with a badly-made fire. Going to him, he showed him how to make a quick-cooking fire, saying: "Look at the time you are wasting. When I was in the Himalayas I often had to hunt my breakfast. I used to go about two miles in the jungle, shoot my food, skin or pluck it, then cook and eat it, and return to the camp under half an hour."

Then he unwisely added, "Of course, you will have heard of the Himalayas?"

"Yes, sir," replied the young soldier, "and also of Ananias and George Was.h.i.+ngton."

_Mr. Goodsole:_ "Well, what do you want?"

_Benny the b.u.m:_ "I wanna know kin I borry a red lantern off'n you? I find I gotta sleep in the street to-night an' I'll harfta warn the traffic to drive aroun' me."

WHAT DID HE MEAN?

A merchant in a Wisconsin town who had a Swedish clerk sent him out to do some collecting. When he returned from an unsuccessful trip he reported:

"Yim Yonson say he vill pay ven he sells his hogs. Yim Olson he vill pay ven he sell his wheat and Bill Pack say he vill pay in Yanuary."

"Well," said the boss, "that's the first time Bill ever set a date to pay. Did he really say he would pay in January?"

"Vell, aye tank so," said the clerk, "he said it bane a dam cold day ven you get that money. Aye tank that bane in Yanuary."

TRUE TO LIFE

Sandy had been photographed, and as he was looking intently at his "picter" Ian MacPherson came along.

"What's that ye hev there?" he asked.

"My photygraph," replied Sandy, showing it proudly. "Whit d'ye think o'

it?"

"Man, it's fine!" exclaimed Ian, in great admiration. "It's just like ye, tae. An' whit micht the like o' they cost?"

"I dinna' ken," replied Sandy. "I hinna' paid yet."

"Mon," said Ian, more firmly than ever. "It's awful like ye."

WHAT HE PREFERRED

"And did you say you preferred charges against this man?" asked the Judge, looking over his gold-rimmed spectacles.

"No, Your Honour," was the quick reply of the man to whom money was owed; "I prefer the cas.h.!.+"

"Wot was the last card Oi dealt ye, Moike?"

"A spade."

"Oi knew ut! Oi saw ye spit on yer hands before ye picked it up."

During the period after the university examinations, when an unusually large number of students flunked, one of the boys went to his professor, and said: "I don't think this is fair, sir; I don't think I should have a zero on this examination."

"I know it," replied the professor, "but we do not have any mark lower than that."

The long-suffering professor smothered his wrath and went down into the cellar. "Are you the plumber?" he inquired of a grimy-looking person who was tinkering with the pipes.

"Yes, guv'nor," he answered.