Joe Miller's Jests or The Wits Vade-Mecum Part 2

87. A Parson preaching a tiresome Sermon on _Happiness_ or _Bliss_; when he had done, a Gentleman told him, he had forgot one Sort of Happiness: _Happy are they that did not hear your Sermon_.

88. A Country-Fellow who was just come to _London_, gaping about in every Shop he came to, at last looked into a Scrivener's, where seeing only one Man sitting at a Desk, he could not imagine what Commodity was sold there, but calling to the Clerk, pray, Sir, said he, what do you sell here? _Loggerheads_, cry'd the other, _do you_, answer'd the Countryman, _Egad then you've a special Trade, for I see you have but one left_.

89. _Manners_, who was himself but lately made Earl of _Rutland_, told Sir _Thomas Moor_, he was too much elated by his Preferment, that he verify'd the old Proverb,

_Honores mutant Mores_.

No, my Lord, said Sir _Thomas_, the _Pun_ will do much better in _English_:

_Honours change_ MANNERS.

90. A n.o.bleman having chose a very illiterate Person for his Library Keeper, one said it was like _a Seraglio kept by an Eunuch_.

91. A Mayor of _Yarmouth_, in ancient Times, being by his Office a Justice of the Peace, and one who was willing to dispense the Laws wisely, tho' he could hardly read, got him the Statute-Book, where finding a Law against _firing a Beacon_, or causing any _Beacon_ to be fired, after nine of the Clock at Night, the poor Man read it _frying of Bacon, or causing any Bacon to be fryed_; and accordingly went out the next Night upon the _Scent_, and being directed by his _Nose_, to the Carrier's House, he found the Man and his Wife both _frying of Bacon_, the Husband holding the Pan while the Wife turned it: Being thus caught in the Fact, and having nothing to say for themselves, his Wors.h.i.+p committed them both to Jail, without Bail or Mainprize.

92. The late facetious Mr. _Spiller_, being at the Rehearsal, on a _Sat.u.r.day_ Morning, the Time when the Actors are usually paid, was asking another, whether Mr. _Wood_, the Treasurer of the House, had any Thing to say to them that Morning; no, faith, _Jemmy_, reply'd the other, I'm afraid there's no Cole, which is a cant Word for Money; by G--d, said _Spiller_, if there is no _Cole_ we must burn _Wood_.

93. A witty Knave coming into a Lace-Shop upon _Ludgate-Hill_, said, he had Occasion for a small Quant.i.ty of very fine Lace, and having pitched upon that he liked, asked the Woman of the Shop, how much she would have, for as much as would reach from one of his Ears to the other, and measure which Way she pleased, either over his Head or under his Chin; after some Words, they agreed, and he paid the Money down, and began to measure, saying, _One of my Ears is here, and the other is nailed to the Pillory in_ Bristol, _therefore, I fear you have not enough to make good your Bargain; however, I will take this Piece in part, and desire you will provide the rest with all Expedition_.

94. When Sir _Cloudsly Shovel_ set out on his last Expedition, there was a Form of Prayer, composed by the Archbishop of _Canterbury_, for the Success of the Fleet, in which his Grace made Use of this unlucky Expression, that he begged G.o.d would be a _Rock_ of Defence to the Fleet, which occasioned the following Lines to be made upon the Monument, set up for him, in _Westminster-Abbey_, he being cast away in that Expedition, on the Rocks call'd, the _Bishop and his Clerks_.

_As_ Lambeth _pray'd, such was the dire Event, Else had we wanted now this Monument; That G.o.d unto our Fleet would be a Rock, Nor did kind Heav'n, the wise Pet.i.tion mock; To what the_ Metropolitan _said then, The_ Bishop and his Clerks _reply'd_, Amen.

95. A _French_ Marquis being once at Dinner at _Roger Williams's_, the famous Punster and Publican, and boasting of the happy Genius of his Nation, in projecting all the fine Modes and Fas.h.i.+ons, particularly the _Ruffle_, which he said, _was de fine Ornament to de Hand, and had been followed by all de oder Nations_: _Roger_, allowed what he said, but observed, at the same Time, that the English, according to Custom, had made a great Improvement upon their Invention, _by adding the s.h.i.+rt to it_.

96. A poor dirty Shoe-Boy going into a Church, one _Sunday_ Evening, and seeing the Parish-Boys standing in a Row, upon a Bench to be catechized, he gets up himself, and stands in the very first Place, so the Parson of Course beginning with him, asked him, _What is your Name_? _Rugged_ and _Tough_, answered he, _who gave you that Name_?

says Domine: _Why the Boys in our Alley_, reply'd poor _Rugged_ and _Tough, Lord d--mn them_.

97. A Prince laughing at one of his Courtiers whom he had employed in several Emba.s.sies, told him, he looked like an _Owl_. I know not, answered the Courtier, what I look like; but this I know, that I have had the Honour several Times to represent your _Majesty's Person_.

98. A _Venetian_ Amba.s.sador going to the Court of _Rome_, pa.s.sed through _Florence_, where he went to pay his Respects to the late Duke of _Tuscany_. The Duke complaining to him of the Amba.s.sador the State of _Venice_ had sent him, as a Man unworthy of his Publick Character; _Your Highness_, said he, _must not wonder at it, for we have many Idle Pates, at_ Venice. _So have we_, reply'd the Duke, in Florence; _but we don't send them to treat of Publick Affairs_.

99. A Lady's Age happening to be questioned, she affirmed, she was but _Forty_, and call'd upon a Gentleman that was in Company for his Opinion; Cousin, said she, do you believe I am in the Right, when I say I am but _Forty_? I ought not to dispute it, Madam, reply'd he, for I have heard you say so _these ten Years_.

100. It being proved in a Trial at _Guild-Hall_, that a Man's Name was really _Inch_, who pretended that it was _Linch_, I see, said the Judge, the old Proverb is verified in this Man, who being allowed an _Inch_ took an _L_.

101. A certain Person came to a Cardinal in _Rome_, and told him that he had brought his Eminence a dainty white _Palfrey_, but he fell lame by the Way; saith the Cardinal to him, I'll tell thee what thou shalt do, go to such a Cardinal, and such a one, naming half a Dozen, and tell them the same, and so as thy Horse, if it had been _sound_, could have pleas'd but _one_, with this _lame Horse_ thou shalt please half a Dozen.

102. A prodigal Gallant (whose penurious Mother being lately dead, had left him a plentiful Estate) one Day being on his Frolicks, quarrell'd with his Coachman, and said, you d.a.m.n'd Son of a Wh.o.r.e, I'll kick you into h.e.l.l; to which the Coachman answer'd, _if you kick me into h.e.l.l, I'll tell your Mother how extravagantly you spend your Estate here upon Earth_.

103. The Emperor _Augustus_, being shewn a young _Grecian_, who very much resembled him, asked the young Man if his _Mother_ had not been at _Rome_: No, Sir, answer'd the _Grecian_ but my _Father_ has.

104. _Cato_ the Censor being ask'd, how it came to pa.s.s, that he had no Statue erected for him, who had so well deserved of the Common-Wealth?

I had rather, said he, have this Question asked, than _why I had one_.

105. A Lady coming into a Room hastily, with her _Mantua_, brush'd down a _Cremona_ Fiddle, that lay on a Chair, and broke it, upon which a Gentleman that was present burst into this Exclamation from _Virgil_:

_Mantua vae miserae nimium Vicina Cremona._

_Ah miserable_ Mantua _too near a Neighbour to_ Cremona.

106. A devout Gentleman, being very earnest in his Prayers, in the Church, it happened that a Pick-Pocket being near him, stole away his _Watch_, who having ended his Prayers, mist it, and complained to his Friend, that his _Watch_ was lost, while he was at Prayers; to which his friend reply'd, _Had you watch'd as well as pray'd, your Watch had been secure, adding these following Lines_.

_He that a Watch will wear, this must he do, Pocket his Watch, and watch his Pocket too._

107. _George Ch----n_, who was always accounted a very blunt Speaker, asking a young Lady one Day, what it was o'Clock, and she telling him her Watch _stood_, I don't wonder at that, Madam, said he, when it is so near your ----.

108. A modest Gentlewoman being compelled by her Mother to accuse her Husband of Defect, and being in the Court, she humbly desired of the Judge, that she might write her Mind, and not be obliged to speak it, for Modesty's sake; the Judge gave her that Liberty, and a Clerk was immediately commanded to give her Pen, Ink, and Paper, whereupon she took the Pen without dipping it into the Ink, and made as if she would write; says the Clerk to her, Madam, there is no Ink in your Pen.

_Truly, Sir_, says she, _that's just my Case, and therefore I need not explain myself any further_.

109. A Lieutenant Colonel to one of the _Irish_ Regiments, in the _French_ Service, being dispatched by the Duke of _Berwick_, from _Fort Kehl_, to the King of _France_, with a Complaint, relating to some Irregularities, that had happened in the Regiment; his _Majesty_, with some Emotion of Mind, told him, _That the_ Irish _Troops gave him more Uneasiness than all his Forces besides_. _Sir_, (says the Officer) _all your Majesty's Enemies make the same Complaint_.

110. Mr. _G----n_, the Surgeon being sent for to a Gentleman, who had just received a slight Wound in a Rencounter, gave Orders to his Servant to go Home with all haste imaginable, and fetch a certain Plaister; the Patient turning a little Pale, Lord, Sir, said he, _I hope there is no Danger_. _Yes, indeed is there_, answered the Surgeon, _for if the Fellow don't set up a good pair of Heels, the Wound will heal before he returns_.

111. Not many Years ago, a certain Temporal Peer, having in a most pathetick and elaborate Speech, exposed the Vices and Irregularities of the Clergy, and vindicated the Gentlemen of the Army from some Imputations unjustly laid upon them: A Prelate, irritated at the Nature, as well as the Length of the Speech, _desired to know when the n.o.ble Lord would leave off preaching_. The other answer'd, _The very Day he was made a Bishop_.

112. It chanc'd that a Merchant s.h.i.+p was so violently tossed in a Storm at Sea that all despairing of Safety, betook themselves to Prayer, saving one Mariner, who was ever wis.h.i.+ng to see two _Stars_: Oh! said he, that I could but see two Stars, or but one of the Two, and of these Words he made so frequent Repet.i.tion, that, disturbing the Meditations of the rest, at length one asked him, what two Stars, or what one Star he meant? To whom he reply'd, _O! that I could but see the Star in Cheapside, or the Star in_ Coleman-street, _I care not which_.

113. A Country Fellow subpoeena'd for a Witness upon a Trial on an Action of Defamation, he being sworn, the Judge had him repeat the very same Words he had heard spoken; the Fellow was loath to speak, but humm'd and haw'd for a good s.p.a.ce, but being urged by the Judge, he at last spoke, _My Lord_, said he, _You are a Cuckold_: The Judge seeing the People begin to laugh, called to him, and had him speak to the _Jury, there were twelve of them_.

114. A Courtier, who was a Confident of the Amours of _Henry_ IV. of _France_, obtained a Grant from the King, for the Dispatch whereof he applyed himself to the Lord High Chancellor: Who finding some Obstacle in it, the Courtier still insisted upon it, and would not allow of any Impediment, _Que chacun se mele de son Metier_, said the Chancellor to him; that is, _Let every one meddle with his own Business_. The Courtier imagining he reflected upon him for his pimping; _my Employment_, said he, _is such, that, if the King were twenty Years younger I would not exchange it for three of your's_.

115. A Gentlewoman, who thought her Servants always cheated her, when they went to _Billingsgate_ to buy Fish, was resolved to go thither one Day herself, and asking the Price of some Fish, which she thought too dear, she bid the Fish-Wife about half what she asked; Lord, Madam, said the Woman, I must have stole it to sell it at that Price, but you shall have it if you will tell me what you do to make your Hands look so white; Nothing, good Woman, answered the Gentlewoman, but wear _Dog-Skin Gloves_: D--mn you for a lying b.i.t.c.h, reply'd the other, my Husband has wore _Dog-Skin Breeches_ these ten Years, and his A--se is as brown as a Nutmeg.

116. Dr. _Heylin_, a noted Author, especially for his _Cosmography_, happened to lose his Way going to _Oxford_, in the Forest of _Whichwood_: Being then attended by one of his Brother's Men, the Man earnestly intreated him to lead the Way; but the Doctor telling him he did not know it: _How!_ said the Fellow, _that's very strange that you, who have made a Book of the whole World, cannot find the Way out of this little Wood_.

117. Monsieur _Vaugelas_ having obtained a Pension from the _French_ King, by the Interest of Cardinal _Richelieu_, the Cardinal told him, he hoped he would not forget the Word _Pension_ in his Dictionary. No, my Lord, said _Vaugelas_, nor the Word _Grat.i.tude_.

118. A melting Sermon being preached in a Country Church, all fell a weeping but one Man, who being asked, why he did not weep with the rest? O! said he, _I belong to another Parish_.

119. A Gentlewoman growing big with Child, who had two Gallants, one of them with a wooden Leg, the Question was put, which of the two should father the Child. He who had the wooden Leg offer'd to decide it thus.

_If the Child_, said he, _comes into the World with a wooden Leg, I will father it, if not, it must be your's_.

120. A Gentleman who had been out a shooting brought home a small Bird with him, and having an _Irish_ Servant, he ask'd him, if he had shot that little Bird, yes, he told him; Arrah! by my Shoul, Honey, reply'd the _Irish_ Man, it was not worth Powder and Shot, for this little Thing would have _died in the Fall_.

121. The same _Irishman_ being at a Tavern where the Cook was dressing some Carp, he observed that some of the Fish moved after they were gutted and put in the Pan, which very much surprizing Teague, well, now, faith, said he, _of all the Christian Creatures that ever I saw, this same Carp will live the longest after it is dead_.

122. A Gentleman happening to turn up against an House to make Water, did not see two young Ladies looking out of a Window close by him, 'till he heard them giggling, then looking towards them, he asked, what made them so merry? O! Lord, Sir, said one of them, _a very little Thing_ will make us laugh.

123. A Gentleman hearing a Parson preach upon the Story of the Children being devoured by the two _She Bears_, who reviled the old Man, and not much liking his Sermon; some Time after seeing the same Parson come into the Pulpit to preach at another Church: O ho! said he, _What are you here with your_ Bears _again_.

124. A young Fellow riding down a steep Hill, and doubting that the Foot of it was boggish, call'd out to a Clown that was ditching, and ask'd him, if it was hard at the Bottom: Ay, ay, answered the Countryman, it's hard enough at the Bottom I'll warrant you: But in half a Dozen Steps the Horse sunk up to the Saddle Skirts, which made the young Gallant whip, spur, curse and swear, why thou Wh.o.r.eson Rascal, said he, to the Ditcher, did'st thou not tell me it was hard at Bottom? _Ay_, reply'd the other, _but you are not half Way to the Bottom yet_.

125. It was said of one who remembered every Thing that he lent, but quite forgot what he borrowed, _That he had lost half his Memory_.

126. One speaking of _t.i.tus Oats_, said, he was a Villain in Grain, and deserved to be well _threshed_.

127. It was said of _Henry_, Duke of _Guise_, that he was the greatest Usurer in all _France_, for he had turned all his Estate into _Obligations_, meaning, he had sold and mortgaged his Patrimony, to make Presents to other Men.