Joe Miller's Jests or The Wits Vade-Mecum Part 5

224. A vigorous young Officer, who made Love to a Widow, coming a little unawares upon her once, caught her fast in his Arms. _Hey day_, say she, _what do you fight after the_ French _Way: take Towns before you declare War?_ No, faith, Widow says he, but I should be glad to imitate them so far, to be in the Middle of the Country before you could resist me.

225. Sir _G.o.dfrey Kneller_, and the late Dr. _Ratcliffe_, had a Garden in common, but with one Gate: Sir _G.o.dfrey_, upon some Occasion, ordered the Gate to be nail'd up; when the Doctor heard of it, he said, _He did not Care what Sir_ G.o.dfrey _did to the Gate, so he did not paint it_. This being told Sir _G.o.dfrey_, he replied, _He would take that, or any Thing from his good Friend, the Doctor, but his Physick_.

226. The same Physician, who was not the humblest Man in the World, being sent for by Sir _Edward Seymour_, who was said to be the proudest; the Knight received him, while he was dressing his Feet and picking his Toes, being at that Time troubled with a _Diabetis_, and upon the Doctor's entering the Room, accosted him in this Manner, _So Quack_, said he, _I'm a dead Man, for I p.i.s.s sweet_; _Do ye_, replied the Doctor, _then prithee p.i.s.s upon your Toes, for they stink d.a.m.nably_: And so turning round on his Heel went out of the Room.

227. A certain worthy Gentleman having among his Friends the Nickname of _Bos_, which was a Kind of Contraction of his real Name, when his late Majesty conferred the Honour of Peerage upon him, a Pamphlet was soon after published with many sarcastical Jokes upon him, and had this Part of a Line from _Horace_ as a Motto, _viz._

----_Optat Ephippia Bos_----

My Lord asked a Friend, who could read _Latin_, what that meant? It is as much as to say, my Lord, said he, that you become _Honours as a Sow does a Saddle_. O! very fine, said my Lord: Soon after another Friend coming to see him, the Pamphlet was again spoken of, I would, said my Lord, give five hundred Pounds to know the Author of it. I don't know the Author of the Pamphlet, said his Friend, but I know who wrote the Motto; Ay, cry'd my Lord, _prithee who was it? Horace_, answered the other: _How_, replied his Lords.h.i.+p, _a dirty Dog, that his Return for all the Favours I have done him and his Brother_.

228. A wild Gentleman having pick'd up his own Wife for a Mistress, the Man, to keep his Master in Countenance, got to Bed to the Maid too. In the Morning, when the Thing was discovered, the Fellow was obliged, in Attonement for his Offence, to make the Girl amends by marrying her; _Well_, says he, _little did my Master and I think last Night, that we were robbing our own Orchards_.

229. One seeing a kept Wh.o.r.e, who made a very great Figure, ask'd, what Estate she had? _Oh_, says another, _a very good Estate in_ Tail.

230. In the great Dispute between _South_ and _Sherlock_, the former, who was a great Courtier, said, His Adversary reasoned well, but he Bark'd like a Cur: To which the other reply'd, That Fawning was the Property of a Cur, as well as Barking.

231. Second Thoughts, we commonly say, are best; and young Women who pretend to be averse to Marriage, desire not to be taken at their Words. One asking a Girl, _if she would have him?_ _Faith, no_, John, says she, _but you may have me if you will_.

232. A Gentleman lying on his Death-Bed, called to his Coachman, who had been an old Servant, and said, _Ah!_ Tom, _I'm going a long rugged Journey, worse than ever you drove me? Oh, dear Sir_, reply'd the Fellow (he having been but an indifferent Master to him), _ne'er let that discourage you, for it is all down Hill_.

233. An honest bluff Country Farmer, meeting the Parson of the Parish in a By-Lane, and not giving him the Way so readily as he expected, the Parson, with an erected Crest, told him, _He was better fed than taught: Very likely indeed Sir_, reply'd the Farmer: _For you teach me and I feed myself_.

234. A famous Teacher of _Arithmetick_, who had long been married without being able to get his Wife with Child: One said to her, Madam, your Husband is an excellent _Arithmetician_. Yes, replies she, only he can't _multiply_.

235. One making a furious a.s.sault upon a hot Apple-pye, burnt his Mouth 'till the Tears ran down; his Friend asked him, _Why he wept?_ _Only_, says he, _'tis just come into my Mind, that my Grand-mother dy'd this Day twelvemonth_: _Phoo!_ says the other, _is that all?_ So whipping a large Piece into his Mouth, he quickly sympathiz'd with his Companion; who seeing his Eyes brim full, with a malicious Sneer ask'd him, _why he wept?_ _A Pox on you_, says he, _because you were not hanged the same Day your Grand-mother dy'd_.

236. A Lady who had married a Gentleman that was a tolerable Poet, one Day sitting alone with him, she said, Come, my Dear, you write upon other People, prithee write something for me; let me see what Epitaph you'll bestow upon me when I die: Oh, my Dear, reply'd he, that's a melancholy Subject, prithee don't think of it: Nay, upon my Life you shall, adds she,----Come, I'll begin,

----_Here lies_ Bidd:

To which he answer'd, _Ah! I wish she did_.

237. A Cowardly Servant having been hunting with his Lord, they had kill'd a wild Boar; the Fellow seeing the Boar stir, betook himself to a Tree; upon which his Master call'd to him, and asked him, _what he was afraid of the Boar's Gut's were out?_ _No matter for that_, says he, _his Teeth are in_.

238. One telling another that he had once so excellent a Gun that it went off immediately upon a Thief's coming into the House, altho' it wasn't charged: _How the Devil can that be?_ said t'other: _Because_, said the First, _the Thief_ carry'd _it off, and what was worse, before I had Time to_ charge _him with it_.

239. Some Gentlemen coming out of a Tavern pretty merry, a Link-Boy cry'd, _Have a Light, Gentlemen?_ _Light yourself to the Devil, you Dog_, says one of the Company: _Bless you, Master_, reply'd the Boy, _we can find the Way in the Dark; shall we light your Wors.h.i.+p thither_.

240. A Person was once try'd at _Kingston_ before the late Lord Chief Justice _Holt_, for having two Wives, where one _Unit_ was to have been the chief Evidence against him: After much calling for him, Word was brought that they could hear nothing of him. _No_, says his Lords.h.i.+p, _why then, all I can say, is, Mr._ Unit _stands for a_ Cypher.

241. 'Tis certainly the most transcendent Pleasure to be agreeably surpriz'd with the Confession of Love, from an ador'd Mistress. A young Gentleman, after a very great Misfortune came to his Mistress, and told her, He was reduc'd even to the want of five Guineas: To which she replied, _I am glad of it with all my Heart_: Are you so, Madam, adds he, suspecting her Constancy: Pray, why so? _Because_, says she, _I can furnish you with five Thousand_.

242. On a Publick Night of Rejoicing, when Bonefires and Illuminations were made, some honest Fellows were drinking the King's Health and Prosperity to _England, as long as the Sun and Moon endured_: Ay, says one, and 500 Years after, _for I have put both my Sons Apprentices to a Tallow-Chandler_.

243. A young Fellow who had made an End of all he had, even to his last Suit of Cloathes; one said to him, Now I hope, you'll own yourself a happy Man, for you have made an End of all your Cares: How so, said the Gentleman; _Because_, said the other, _you've nothing left to take care of_.

244. Some years ago, when his Majesty used to hunt frequently in _Richmond-Park_, it brought such Crowds of People thither, that Orders were given to admit none, when the King was there himself, but the Servants of the Household. A fat Country Parson having, on one of these Days a strong Inclination to make one of the Company, Captain _B-d-ns_, promised to introduce him, but coming to the Gate, the Keepers would have stopp'd him, by telling him, none but the Houshold were to be admitted: Why, d--mn you, said the Captain, don't you know the Gentleman? _He's his Majesty's Hunting-Chaplain_: Upon which the Keepers asked Pardon, and left the reverend Gentleman to Recreation.

245. The learned Mr. _Charles Barnard_, Serjeant Surgeon to Queen _Anne_, being very severe upon _Parsons_ having _Pluralities_. A reverend and worthy Divine heard him a good while with Patience, but at length took him up with this Question, _Why do you Mr. Serjeant_ Barnard _rail thus at_ Pluralities, _who have always so many_ Sine-Cures _upon your own Hands_?

246. Dr. _Lloyd_, Bishop of _Worcester_, so eminent for his _Prophesies_, when by his Sollicitations and Compliance at Court, he got removed from a poor _Welch_ Bishop.r.i.c.k to a rich _English_ one. A reverend Dean of the Church said, _That he found his Brother_ Lloyd _spelt Prophet with an_ F[2].

[2] Most of the Clergy follow this Spelling.

247. A worthy old Gentleman in the Country, having employ'd an Attorney, of whom he had a pretty good Opinion, to do some Law Business for him in _London_, he was greatly surprized on his coming to Town, and demanding his Bill of Law Charges, to find that it amounted to at least three Times the Sum he expected; the honest Attorney a.s.sured him, that there was no Article in his Bill, but what was _fair and reasonable_: Nay, said the Country Gentleman, here is one of them I am sure cannot be so, for you have set down three s.h.i.+llings and four Pence for going to _Southwark_, when none of my Business lay that Way; pray what is the Meaning of that Sir; _Oh! Sir_, said he, _that was for fetching the_ Chine _and_ Turkey _from the Carriers, that you sent me for a_ Present, _out of the Country_.