The Ethical Slut Part 1

The Ethical s.l.u.t.

by Dossie Easton and Catherine A. Liszt.

ACKNOWLEDGMENTS.

Many, many thanks for the information and encouragement we received from: Cecelia & Corwin Sunny Knight Betty Dodson Adric Petrucelli Jaymes Easton Carol Queen Francesca Guido Maggi Rubenstein Lizzard Henry Ruth & Edward Sybil Holiday Doug Stinson Ron Hoffman Susan S. Richard Karpinsky Snow White Laurie & Chris Tom & Katy Deirdre McGrath Joi Wolfwomyn From Dossie to Jim Carver, who made the s.p.a.ce for me to learn and Kai Harper, my beloved and outrageous partner in love and in life From Catherine to Barbara, with love and grat.i.tude and to Jay, my him finally and always

PART I

WITHIN OURSELVES.

CHAPTER 1. WHO IS AN ETHICAL s.l.u.t?.

Many people dream of living an open s.e.xual life- of having all the s.e.x and love and friends.h.i.+p they want. Most never try, believing that such a life is impossible. Of those who try, many give up, finding the challenges insurmountable- or at least too hard for them. A few persist, and discover that being openly s.e.xual and intimate with many people is not only possible, but can be more rewarding than they ever imagined.

People have been succeeding at free love for many decades -often quietly, without much fanfare. In this book, we will share the techniques, the skills, the ideals that have made it work for them.

So who is an ethical s.l.u.t? We are. Many, many others are. Maybe you are too. If you dream of freedom, if you dream of s.e.x, if you dream of an abundance of friends and flirtation and consensual conquest, of following your desires and seeing where they take you, you've already taken the first step.

Why We Chose This t.i.tle From the moment you saw or heard about this book, you probably guessed that some of the terms here may not have the same meanings you're accustomed to.

What kind of person would revel in calling himself a s.l.u.t? And why would he insist on being recognized for his ethics?

In most of the world, "s.l.u.t" is a highly offensive term, used to describe a woman whose s.e.xuality is voracious, indiscriminate and shameful. It's interesting to note that the a.n.a.logous word "stud,"

used to describe a highly s.e.xual man, is often a term of approval and envy. If you ask about a man's morals, you will probably hear about his honesty, loyalty, integrity and high principles. When you ask about a woman's morals, you are more likely to hear about who she f.u.c.ks and under what conditions. We have a problem with this.

So we are proud to reclaim the word "s.l.u.t" as a term of approval, even endearment. To us, a s.l.u.t is a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that s.e.x is nice and pleasure is good for you. A s.l.u.t may choose to have s.e.x with herself only, or with the Fifth Fleet. He may be heteros.e.xual, h.o.m.os.e.xual or bis.e.xual, a radical activist or a peaceful suburbanite.

As proud s.l.u.ts, we believe that s.e.x and s.e.xual love are fundamental forces for good- activities with the potential to strengthen intimate bonds, enhance lives, create spiritual awareness, even change the world. And, furthermore, we believe that all consensual s.e.xual choices have these potentials- that any s.e.xual pathway, consciously chosen and mindfully followed, can be a positive, creative force in the lives of individuals and their communities.

A s.l.u.t shares his s.e.xuality the way a philanthropist shares her money because they have a lot of it to share, because it makes them happy to share it, because sharing makes the world a better place. s.l.u.ts often find that the more s.e.x and love they give away, the more they have- a loaves-and-fishes miracle in which greed and generosity go hand-in-hand to provide more for everybody. Imagine living in s.e.xual abundance!

s.e.xual adventurousness The world generally views s.l.u.ts as debased, degraded, promiscuous, indiscriminate, jaded, immoral adventurers, destructive, out of control and driven by some form of psychopathology that prevents them from entering into a healthy monogamous relations.h.i.+p. Oh, yes, and definitely not ethical.

We see ourselves as people who are committed to finding a place of sanity with s.e.x, and to freeing ourselves to enjoy our s.e.xuality and to share it in as many ways as may fit for each of us. We may not always know what fits without trying it on, so we tend to be curious and adventurous. When we see someone who intrigues us, we like to be free to respond, and in exploring our own response, discover whatever is special about that person we are turned on to. We like relating to people, and tend to be gregarious, enjoying the company of different sorts of folk, and reveling in how our differences expand our horizons and offer us new ways to be ourselves.

s.l.u.ts tend to want a lot of things: different forms of s.e.xual expression, different people, perhaps men and women both. We are curious: what would it be like to combine the energies of four or five people in one incandescent s.e.xual encounter? What would it be like to share physical intimacy with that person who has been my best friend for ten years? What would it be like with this other person who is so very different from me? Some of us express more than one ident.i.ty in intimate encounters with diverse people. Some of us love flirtation for its own sake, as an art form, and others make an art form out of s.e.x. All of us love adventure.

When Dossie was a young adult, and not yet aware of herself as a s.l.u.t, she found herself fascinated by people from all the different cultures she could find in urban America, and used to describe her s.e.xual curiosity as her own idiosyncratic form of cross-cultural anthropology.

I delighted in finding people who were new and different: I learned an enormous amount from people who grew up in cultures that were more emotionally and s.e.xually expressive than mine was, or who could see beauty in places I had never looked before. I'd grown up in a small mono cultural town in New England, very rigid, lily white, WASPish. In the exploration of other ness I found answers to many of the dilemmas of my programming, or my culture-bound thinking: new ways I could be that worked better for me.

Dossie certainly took a lot of risks in her reckless exploration of all the different s.e.xualities she could find in New York City. For her, it was worth it. For some of us, s.l.u.ttishness is a basic part of our ident.i.ty, how we know ourselves.

One of the most valuable things we can learn from open s.e.xual lifestyles is that our programming is changeable. Starting by questioning all the ways we have been told our s.e.xuality ought to be, we can begin to edit and rewrite our old tapes. So by breaking the rules, we both free and empower ourselves.

Catherine remembers learning that there was such a thing as a gay man: "I must have been eight or nine, but even then, I understood the subtext of what I was hearing--that these men didn't belong in my comfortable suburban environment, that they had s.e.x with each other in spite of the fact that many people thought it was wrong for them to do so, that they didn't necessarily get married and only have s.e.x with one person, that they had their own communities where they hung out together and took care of each other because regular people didn't want them around. And I immediately got this strong sense of "Oh, people like me." Two decades went by before I came out as a s.l.u.t, and another decade before I came out as bis.e.xual, but there was something about the whole idea that I simply understood and responded to deep in my gut.

A s.l.u.t's eye view What does this all look like from the s.l.u.t's point of view? We see ourselves first and foremost as individuals, with virtues and faults and diverse differences. We are people who like s.e.x, and who like many diverse kinds of people. We are not necessarily s.e.xual athletes although we do tend to train more than most. But good s.e.x is not contingent on setting world records. We value s.e.x for the pleasure it brings us, and the good times we get to share with however many wonderful people. We love adventure. Once again, in some contexts the word adventurer is pejorative, suggesting that the adventurous person is immature or ungenuine, not really willing to "grow up" and "settle down" into a monogamous lifestyle. So what's wrong with having adventures? Can we have adventures and still raise children, buy houses and develop our careers? You bet we can. s.l.u.ts qualify for mortgages just like everybody else. We tend to like our lives complicated, with lots of stuff going on to keep us interested and engaged.

We hate boredom. We are people who are greedy to experience all that life has to offer, and also generous in sharing what we have to offer to others. We are the good times had by all.

s.e.xual diversity This book is written for everybody straight, gay, bi, male, female, transs.e.xual, pan s.e.xual and more. In writing to include everyone, we will use some language in a way that may be new to some readers. We have deliberately mixed up our use of male and female p.r.o.nouns, because we're sick of words like "she" and we can't quite wrap our traditionally grammatical minds around the singular p.r.o.noun "they." We encourage you to change p.r.o.nouns to fit your own situations and relations.h.i.+ps: our intention is to celebrate s.e.xual diversity wherever we find it.

YOUR AUTHORS.

Between us, we represent a fairly large slice of the pie that is s.e.xual diversity. Dossie has identified first as heteros.e.xual, then as bi, and most recently as lesbian for the last sixteen years: no matter what she thought she was doing, she has always been a s.l.u.t. She committed to an open s.e.xual lifestyle twenty-seven years ago and has spent about half of that time living single. She is currently partnered to a fabulous woman, and makes her living as a therapist specializing in relations.h.i.+p issues and alternative s.e.xualities. Catherine lived as a teenaged s.l.u.t in college, but then essayed monogamy in a traditional heteros.e.xual marriage for well over a decade. Since then, she has come out as bis.e.xual; she currently lives in a committed open relations.h.i.+p with a male partner, and maintains a loving live-apart relations.h.i.+p with a girlfriend. She writes books (under this name and her other pseudonym "Lady Green"), and runs the publis.h.i.+ng company that brought you this book. We are both mothers of grown or near-grown children. Both of us also maintain intimate and s.e.xual connections with one another and with extensive extended families of lovers and friends.

Here are a couple of scenes from our lives, one a moment of pain, one a moment of pleasure, which we chose to help you understand why and how we live the way we do.

Dossie: My lover is late coming home. I hope she is all right- this morning she left in tears. Last night we both cried until very late my eyes still burn. I hope she will not be too angry with me, or then again, her anger might be easier to bear than if she just hurts. Last night I thought my heart would break from feeling her pain.

And it's my fault, my choice, my responsibility. I am asking my lover to go through the fire for reasons most of the rest of the world consider frivolous if not downright reprehensible- lam asking my lover to suffer because I hate monogamy.

I have hated monogamy for twenty-seven years, since I left my daughter's violent father, fighting my way out the door, bruised and pregnant, promising anything, promising I would call my parents for money, lying. After I escaped Joe he sent me suicide threats, and threatened murder- one time he almost found us and set fires around the house he thought we were still in.

Joe was very possessive. Initially I found this attractive, proof positive that he really cared about me... My lover is back. She brought me a flower. She still doesn't want a hug. She feels her house has been invaded by alien energy. I was very careful to clean up, all is very tidy, dinner is ready, appeas.e.m.e.nt and placation, I'll do anything not to feel so horrid. My lover doesn't want to go to a movie, she isn't hungry, she guesses she'll take a shower.

Joe was very possessive. I was perfectly faithful. He would beat me, screaming imprecations, "You s.l.u.t!" when another man looked at me.

After I left, I decided he was right- lama s.l.u.t, I want to be a s.l.u.t, I will never promise monogamy again. After all why would anybody care who I f.u.c.ked? I will never be a piece of property again, no matter how valuable that property is considered.

Joe made a feminist of me. A feminist s.l.u.t. This was in San Francisco in 1969, so I decided to invent a new lifestyle. I was sick of being valued by my success at decorating some man's arm, and I was perfectly terrible at being Susie Homemaker. I like winning chess games and talking philosophy. I often talk more than I listen. I very very much wanted to be free to simply enjoy s.e.x, for whatever reason with whoever came my way that I liked. I also needed to find my strength and my independence from knights in s.h.i.+ning armor, so I vowed to remain single for five years in order to figure out who I am when I am running my own life. I made a life creed out of looseness.

My lover is still petting the dog. G.o.ddess, the vibes are horrible.

Why did I insist on doing this? I'm in no way peris.h.i.+ng from unfulfilled l.u.s.t. I actually wasn't even particularly h.o.r.n.y, or salivating for Catherine and Catherine only. We have always had a s.e.xual relations.h.i.+p, my co-author and me, that is part of how we write books, and how we are the dearest of friends. We have been patiently waiting to resume that relations.h.i.+p when my newfound and most beloved partner was ready. My lover has already conquered the terrors of group s.e.x -tomorrow we will have another couple over for dinner and my birthday spanking, which she herself arranged with no egging on from me. She never was embarra.s.sed at orgies, much to her own amazement.

Within the last year she has had more new s.e.xual experiences than possibly she had in the previous forty-eight years, and taken to it all like a duck to water. Except this.

Except her lover having a date with one other person. She has trouble accepting me having s.e.x that doesn't include her, has trouble feeling left out, has trouble that we are doing it in our home this time, not neutral territory. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe I make a lot of mistakes.

She still won't come near me. The air is heavy with pain, her voice thick with anger- how could I hurt her like this? G.o.ddess, I hate this.

The family had welcomed her with open arms and everything else. When I decided to create my new way twenty-five years ago, I figured that I would never again take my security from my relations.h.i.+p, particularly not from the s.e.xual exclusivity of my relations.h.i.+p. Joe had cheated on me, I knew that, it didn't even bother me very much. I sort of expected it. I resented those cultural values that said that my sense of security and self-worth were contingent on the status of whatever man I managed to attract to me, as if I had no status of my own. So I vowed to discover a security in myself, the stable ground of my very own being, something to do, I thought, with self-respect and self-acceptance. But what about other people? What about support?

What about love?

San Francisco in 1969 was still very much in the communal era, so I figured I would get my support from my extended family, my kins.h.i.+p network that consisted of everybody that I was connected to, through friends.h.i.+p, communal living, co parenting and/or s.e.x. And it worked.

Being openly open, and loudly unavailable for partnering, created a new kind of environment. I introduced my lovers to each other and lots of them liked each other. People had new experiences. Male lovers met female lovers, d.y.k.es met queers, many people made many connections. A couple of other single mothers (there were a lot of us after the Summer of Love) joined with me -we called our household Liberated Ladies at Large.

There is still a tendency for loose lovers to form kins.h.i.+p networks from their s.e.xual connections, and customs, even sort of a culture, has begun to emerge. And so it is customary, in my brand new culture, for one's lovers to welcome a new lover as, not compet.i.tion, but an addition to the community. And a very concrete addition at that.

I remember the first time I partnered with an equally s.e.xually gregarious woman, and we hastened to ensure that each of us had the opportunity to have s.e.x with each of the other's lovers: welcome to the family.

My lover is ready to talk now. She is p.i.s.sed. She is seriously p.i.s.sed. She resents me for every miserable terrified thought she has had today, she is furious that I would subject her to the unprotected experience of her own feelings, and that's not what she said, that's my interpretation. And that's not what I said either- this was no time to get uppity about clean boundaries and the importance of owning your own feelings. I listened. This time I listened, without interrupting, trying only to let her know that I love her, I feel her pain, I am here for her- this is very painful. She is furious with me and I am not giving myself permission to defend myself, and I hurt.

This story has no tidy ending- we talked for hours, or maybe I listened, and I heard how difficult it was for her, how she felt invaded, how she felt her home was not safe, how she feared that my other lover would not like her, how she felt attacked by her and me both, how very much she feared I was abandoning her. We came to no pat little answers that make good stories for books -we just poured out anguish, and went to sleep exhausted. We woke up the next morning feeling better, but still not over it- the issue resurfaced occasionally for the next couple of days. The birthday party helped, a subsequent date with Catherine and her girlfriend and my lover and me helped, although it was difficult.

My lover and I are still in love, and still working on it. We are committed to this relations.h.i.+p, and to working through our differences with compa.s.sion for each other and ourselves. I am from time to time terrified that she will leave me, just because I hate monogamy.

Catherine: I'm in the bedroom right now. My life partner is in the bathroom, showering another woman's juices off his skin as he gets ready to go teach a cla.s.s tonight. And how, as the shrinks used to say, does that make me feel?

Well, I wish he'd get out of the shower and turn off the TV because I'm trying to concentrate. And I'm glad that my housemate lover is downstairs talking to the other woman so that I dont have to go be sociable when I'd rather work. But aside from that, I'm feeling fine, enjoying a quiet moment in which to write, and wondering idly about what to serve my teenaged kids for dinner.

For most people, I guess, this would be unthinkable. I'm supposed to be feeling rejected and insecure, awash in rage and jealousy. If I were really good at this, I'd throw stuff at him, cry, threaten to leave him. So what's wrong with me?

Whatever it is, it's been "wrong" for a long time. The first night I spent with my husband-to-be took place because my best friend, who had come to drive me to a doctor's appointment the next day, was spending the night with my current boyfriend- with my wholehearted approval.

During my young adulthood, my friends and I shared lovers as casually and generously as we shared munchies.

And then, somehow, I hit my early 20s and began, without much thought or volition, to turn into a "normal" person. We got married in his parents' church. We had a couple of kids. We bought a house, then a bigger one. We spent long hours at work. I can't remember ever even discussing whether or not we wanted to be monogamous -we just were.

Ten years later, I awoke to find myself a s.l.u.t stranded in suburbia.

I started questioning some a.s.sumptions that we'd taken for granted.

What if I got together with others but didn't have intercourse with them? What if I brought home a lover for both of us to share? No, no, no. He didn't feel comfortable with any of those options. I felt more and more trapped. He felt more and more exploited. Finally, with sadness and a sense of inevitability, we parted (mostly) friends.

Suddenly, the world was my candy store. I discovered rapidly that a woman who is interested in s.e.x and open to many s.e.xual experiences, but explicitly not interested in marriage, tends to become extremely popular extremely fast. I had my first female lover, my first three way relations.h.i.+p. Rather quickly, I settled into a great circle of "f.u.c.k buddies" people I warmly liked, who I could call for a movie or a meal or a f.u.c.k or a conversation. I remember telling a recently divorced colleague -a woman of greater conventional beauty, wealth and desirability than I--that since my breakup I'd never spent a weekend night alone except by choice. She, miserable in her husband-hunting struggles, couldn't believe it. And at the time, I didn't have the words to explain to her how attractive happy, guilt-free, noncommittal s.e.x could make a person.

Into the midst of this comfortable menagerie fell my new partner. We were pa.s.sionately in love almost from our first meeting, yet it never even occurred to us to discuss the possibility of monogamy: both of us "defaulted" to s.l.u.t hood as easily as my ex and I had "defaulted" to monogamy a decade and a half before. I tell people that we were both dating others at the time we met, and simply forgot to stop. (He had never been monogamous in his life and had no intention of starting, and I'd had enough monogamy to last me several lifetimes.) He met all the people I'd been having s.e.x with; some he got along with, some he didn't, but he never asked me to change my behavior toward any of them. I met his lovers too, and wound up having s.e.x with a few of them myself.

That was almost seven years ago. We've had lovers who have pa.s.sed out of one of our lives only to become close friends of the other; lovers who have become so close that they've joined our household; lovers who have helped us publish our books, raise our kids, understand our lives, get our rocks off. Separately and together, we've had casual f.u.c.k buddy-hoods, intimate loving friends.h.i.+ps, intense romantic crushes. So far- and I cross my fingers as I write this- it's all working out.

When I meet people who tell me that they are monogamous because other relations.h.i.+p styles are "too hard." I feel puzzled. I've done monogamy and I've done s.l.u.t hood and there's no question in my mind which one is harder for me.

Meanwhile, a little while ago my partner popped out of the shower all clean and glowing. (Yes, the TV's off, and I decided on baked beans and hot dogs for dinner.) I asked him, "So, did you have a good time?"

He grinned and nodded. "And did she have a good time?" He grinned wider and nodded more emphatically. And that was that. We kissed goodbye, said "I love you," and he went off to work.

Whatever's wrong with me, I hope it never gets cured.

CHAPTER 2. VALUES AND ETHICS.

values: denial vs. fulfillment Dossie's bachelor's thesis was ent.i.tled "s.e.x Is Nice And Pleasure Is Good For You." That idea is as radical now, in the '90s, as it was back in the '70s when Dossie first wrote it.

Our culture positively wors.h.i.+ps self-denial- those who unapologetically satisfy their desires, whether they be for food, recreation or s.e.x, are vilified as immature, disgusting, even sinful. While we'll leave it to other authors to speak against anorexia and workaholism, we can certainly say that we see the path of s.e.x-negativism and living in s.e.xual deprivation as a harmful one. Self-loathing, hatred of one's own body and s.e.xuality, fear and guilt over one's own s.e.xual urges are the outcome.

We see ourselves surrounded by the "walking wounded" by people who have been deeply, if not irrevocably, injured by fear, shame and hatred of their own s.e.xual selves. We believe that happy connected s.e.x is the cure for these wounds, that it is is important, possibly even essential, to most people's sense of self-worth, to their belief that life is good. We have never met anyone who had low self-esteem at the moment of o.r.g.a.s.m.

DOES s.e.x NEED A "REASON"?.

If you walk up to a randomly selected individual and propose that s.e.x is nice and pleasure is good for you, you will probably hear a lot of spluttering, argument and "yahbuts" _ AIDS, unwanted pregnancies, rape, the Madison Avenue commercialization of s.e.xual desire, and so on. None of which change the core idea.

There is nothing in the world so terrific that it can't be abused if you're determined to do so: familial connections can be violated, s.e.xual desire can be manipulated. Even chocolate can be abused. That doesn't change the basic wonderfulness of any of these things: the danger lies in the motivation of the abuser, not the nature of the item.

s.e.x gets a bad rap from our an hedonic culture, whose Puritan roots have led to a deep distrust of pleasure for its own sake. That distrust often expresses itself in concerns like those expressed by our mythical person on the street above. If there were no such thing as s.e.xually transmitted disease, if n.o.body got pregnant unless they wanted to, if all s.e.x were consensual and pleasurable, how would the world feel about it then? How would you feel?

If you look deep inside yourself, we bet you can find bits and pieces of s.e.x-negativism, often hiding behind judgmental words like "promiscuous," "hedonistic," "decadent" and "nonproductive." (The two of us are about as s.l.u.tty as you can get, and we're certainly not immune to this sort of cultural programming.) Even people who consider themselves s.e.x-positive and s.e.xually liberated often fall into a different trap the trap of rationalizing s.e.x.

Releasing physical tension, relieving menstrual symptoms, maintaining mental health, preventing prostate problems, making babies, cementing relations.h.i.+ps and so on are all admirable goals, and wonderful side benefits of s.e.x. But they are not what s.e.x is for. s.e.x is for pleasure, a complete and worthwhile goal in and of itself. People have s.e.x because it feels very good, and then they feel good about themselves. The worthiness of pleasure is one of the core values of ethical s.l.u.t hood ethics We are ethical people, ethical s.l.u.ts. It is very important to us to treat people well and not hurt anyone. Our ethics come from our own sense of Tightness, and from the empathy and love we hold for those around us. It is not okay with us to hurt another person because then we hurt too, and we dont feel good about ourselves.

Ethical s.l.u.tdom is a challenging path: we dont have a polyamorous Miss Manners telling us how to do our thing courteously and respectfully, so we have to make it up as we go along. However, we're sure you've figured out by now that to us, being a s.l.u.t doesn't mean simply doing whatever you want, whenever you want, with whomever you want.

So in this slightly disorienting world of s.l.u.t hood in which everything your mom, your minister, your spouse and your television ever told you is probably wrong, how do you find your ethical center?

Most of our criteria for ethics are quite pragmatic. Is anyone being harmed? Is there any way to avoid causing that harm? Are there any risks? Is everybody involved aware of those risks and doing what can be done to minimize them?

And, on the positive side: How much fun is it? What is everybody learning from it? Is it helping someone to grow? Is it helping make the world a better place?

First and foremost, ethical s.l.u.ts value consent. When we use this word- and we will, often, throughout this book- we mean "an active collaboration for the benefit, well-being and pleasure of all persons concerned." If someone is being coerced, bullied, blackmailed, manipulated, lied to or ignored, what is happening is not consensual.

And s.e.x which is not consensual is not ethical- period.

Ethical s.l.u.ts are honest- with ourselves and others. We take time with ourselves, to figure out our own emotions and motivations, and to untangle them for greater clarity when necessary. Then we openly share that information with those who need it. We do our best not to let our fears and bashfulness be an obstacle to our honesty- we trust that our partners will go on respecting and loving us, warts and all.

Ethical s.l.u.ts also recognize the ramifications of our s.e.xual choices.

We see that our emotions, our upbringing and the standards of our culture often conflict with our s.e.xual desires. And we make a conscious commitment to supporting ourselves and our partners as we deal with those conflicts, honestly and honorably.

We do not allow our s.e.xual choices to have an unnecessary impact on those who have not consented to partic.i.p.ate. We are respectful of others' feelings, and when we aren't sure how someone feels, we ask.

Ethical s.l.u.ts recognize the difference between things they can and should control, and things they can't. While we sometimes may feel jealous or territorial, we own those feelings doing our best not to blame or control, but asking for the support we need to help ourselves feel safe and cared for.

All of this can be hard, but your authors are here to help. We wrote this book to help you become an ethical s.l.u.t.