The Ethical Slut Part 3

HAVING s.e.x WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

DO GET THE TRICK TOWELS INTO THE HAMPER BEFORE YOUR LOVER GETS HOME.

Go EASY ON YOURSELF As prepared as you are, as centered as you are, as stable as you are, you are going to trip over problems you never antic.i.p.ated- we guarantee it.

Perhaps the most important step in dealing with problems is to recognize that they will happen, and that it's OK that they do. You'll make mistakes. You'll encounter beliefs, myths and "b.u.t.tons" you never knew you had. There will be times when you'll feel pretty awful.

Can we tell you how to avoid feeling bad? Nope. But we think you'd forgive a friend or lover who misunderstood or made a mistake, and we hope you'll grant yourself the same amnesty. (As Morticia Addams says: "Don't beat yourself up, Gomez; that's my job.") Knowing, loving and respecting yourself is an absolute prerequisite to knowing, loving and respecting someone else. Cut yourself some slack.

A friend of ours, when he makes a mistake, says, philosophically, "Oh well- AFOG," That stands, he says, for Another f.u.c.king Opportunity for Growth. Learning from one's mistakes isn't fun, but it's better than not learning at all, right?

tell the truth Throughout your experience- as you feel pain, ambivalence, joy- you must speak your own truth, first to yourself, then to those around you.

"Stuffing" and self-deception have no place in this lifestyle: pretending that you feel great when you're in agony will not make you a better s.l.u.t; it will make you bitterly unhappy, and it may make those who care about you even unhappier.

When you tell the truth, you discover how much you have in common with the people you care about, and put yourself in an excellent position to support yourself and each other in a life based on understanding and loving acceptance. As you dig deeper and share your discoveries, you may learn more about yourself and others than you ever knew before.

Welcome that knowledge, and keep on digging for more.

CHAPTER 7. s.l.u.t STYLES.

There are a whole lot of ways to live your s.e.xual life, a whole lot of different ways to relate to people and form relations.h.i.+ps and families, and no one way is better than all the others.

what is normal? what is natural?

Our culture teaches us that only one way of relating- long-term monogamous marriage is the right or the best way. We are told that lifetime monogamy is "normal" and "natural," and that if we do not manage to force our desires into a single relations.h.i.+p we are morally deficient, and somehow going against nature. But the truth of our natures is that many of us desire s.e.x with more than one person. So why does our culture require monogamy?

Historically, requirements for s.e.xual fidelity to one partner are linked with s.e.x-negative att.i.tudes and attempts to control s.e.xuality in the interest of society. "Control" is the key word herein particular the control of reproduction in the interest of primogeniture or other dynastic goals.

When our culture was agrarian, and infant mortality common, having lots of children to work the farm in your old age was a good survival tactic, and mixing the gene pool not such a bad idea either. When we look back on marriage in the agrarian world, we see that much of its purpose was dynastic, to ensure the orderly succession of property and production so that the family and the village had enough food, houses to live in and general stability to maximize physical safety and well-being. In these villages, and in many parts of the world today, the extended family was what was important, the network of kins.h.i.+p that ensured a large basis of mutual physical and emotional support. The extended family still exists to some degree in America today, often in cultures recently transplanted from other countries, or as a basic support system among economically vulnerable urban or rural populations.

The prudishness that characterizes much of our cultural heritage is a relatively new thing- in the last century, only relatively wealthy people had master bedrooms; most people had their s.e.x in the same room with their children and their parents. In warmer climes, you had your s.e.x outdoors. In one African culture, proper etiquette taught to young people prescribes that if you come across a couple copulating in the bushes, the polite thing to do is to quietly sit on your heel and rock back and forth till you have an o.r.g.a.s.m too. Wouldn't that be a different way to grow up!

The control of reproduction became increasingly important as our culture became more urban- indeed, we see an increasing focus on controlling s.e.x since the Industrial Revolution in Europe. It was at this time, in the late 18th century, that we began to hear that masturbation was bad for you, that this most innocent of s.e.xual outlets was dangerous to society: 19th century child rearing manuals show devices to prevent babies from touching their genitals in their sleep.

So our very interest in s.e.x, not even acted on with another, became our shameful secret.

Wilhelm Reich put forth an interesting theory in his lectures to young Communists in Germany in 1936, during the rise of Hitler. Reich theorized that without the suppression of s.e.xuality and the imposition of anti-s.e.xual morality, you could not have an authoritarian government, because people would be free from shame, and would trust their own sense of right and wrong. Such people are unlikely to march to war against their wishes, and we would like to think they would be unlikely to agree to operate the death camps too.6 It is interesting to think that if we were raised without shame and guilt about our desires, we might be freer people in many ways.

The nuclear family, which consists of parents and children relatively isolated from sisters and cousins and aunts, is an artifact of the modern middle cla.s.s. Children no longer work on the farm or in the family business; they are raised almost like pets. Modern marriages, no longer essential for survival, have become luxuries whose primary purpose is to fulfill our needs for s.e.x, intimacy, and emotional connection. We are convinced that the increase in divorce reflects the simple economic reality that most of us can today afford to leave relations.h.i.+ps that we no longer find satisfying.

And still the puritans, perhaps not yet ready to deal with the frightening prospect of truly free s.e.xual and romantic choice, attempt to enforce the nuclear family and monogamous marriage by teaching s.e.xual shame.

We believe that the current set of prescribed "oughta be's," and any other set, are cultural artifacts. We believe that Nature is wondrously diverse, offering us infinite possibilities. We would like to live in a culture that respects the choices made by s.l.u.ts as highly as we respect the couple celebrating their fiftieth anniversary. (And, come to think of it, what makes us a.s.sume that such a couple is monogamous anyway?) We are paving new roads across new territory. We have no culturally approved scripts for open s.e.xual lifestyles; we pretty much need to write our own. To write your own script requires a lot of effort, and a lot of honesty, and is the kind of hard work that brings many rewards. You may find the right way for you, and three years from now decide you want to live a different way and that's fine too. You write the script, you get to make the choices, and you get to change your ini nd too.

Endless Possibilities The possibilities for rewarding and constructive s.l.u.t lifestyles are indeed endless, so we can't cover them all. We will describe some of the lifestyles that have worked for some people. Whether or not any of these scenarios fit for you, we hope that they will offer you some ideas about where to start your exploration, or perhaps the validation of knowing that there are others like you out there.

Remember that there are many kinds and degrees of intimacy, as many as there are people. We have seen a lot of people get confused, and have been confused ourselves, when we try to force a relations.h.i.+p to satisfy some fantasy or ideal that does not fit that particular relations.h.i.+p.

When we meet someone we like and feel s.e.xy about, this is not an indication that that person will fit precisely into the empty s.p.a.ce in our lives. And it will not work to make a point-by-point evaluation of a potential playmate, scoring her according to how closely she matches up to our fantasy of the ideal partner. Putting our own needs and fantasies foremost gets in the way of actually meeting another person, and enjoying the wonderful surprises involved in getting to know who that person is.

Each relations.h.i.+p seeks its own level. You might get along fabulously with your friend, and have great s.e.x with colossal intimacy... yet discover from experience that this works when you get together about once a month. Maybe when you try to spend a week together you get irritated, or bored, or otherwise very unhappy with the situation. If you allow this relations.h.i.+p to work the way it works, you could go on meeting once a month for ten years and be perfectly content.

One of the wonderful advantages of being a s.l.u.t is that you get to have different kinds of relations.h.i.+ps, instead of having to choose just one.

When we are looking for a life partner, for example, we want a lot of compatibility: similar values, intellectual and esthetic interests in common, good s.e.x, likes to eat the same food. We can connect with a much wider range of people as soon as we stop auditioning them for a together-forever role. You dont have to force anyone into a mold that doesn't fit: all you have to do is enjoy how you do fit together, and let go of the rest.

friendly s.e.x Nothing challenges culturally imposed boundaries for intimacy more than opening up the potential to share s.e.x with friends. Catherine had lunch a while ago with Mary, one of the few friends remaining from her previous life as a monogamous married woman. At one point Mary remarked, "Hey, I guess I'm about the only straight friend you have left, huh?" "Yup," Catherine agreed. "In fact, you're the only friend I've never had s.e.x with."

In singles culture, we can observe the "Land of One-Night Stands," in which you go home with a pick-up and share some hot s.e.x, then the next morning you look at each other and decide if the relations.h.i.+p has life-partner potential. If not, you leave, with much embarra.s.sment, and the unspoken rule is that you will never be comfortable with that person again, as they have been weighed in the balance and found wanting. We have no scripts for s.e.xual intimacy in the middle, in the area between complete stranger and total commitment.

How do you learn to share intimacy without falling in love? We would propose that we do love our friends, and particularly those we share s.e.x with: these individuals are our family, often more permanent in our lives than marriages. With practice, we can develop an intimacy based on warmth and mutual respect, much freer than desperation, neediness, or the blind insanity of falling in love. That's why the relations.h.i.+ps between f.u.c.k-buddies are so immensely valuable. When we acknowledge the love and respect and appreciation that we do share with lovers we would never marry, s.e.xual friends.h.i.+ps can become, not only possible, but preferred. So while you're worrying that your s.e.xual desire could cost you your best friend, the more experienced s.l.u.t could be wondering- like Catherine- why you are the only friend he has never f.u.c.ked.

Each relations.h.i.+p seeks its own level, or will if you let it. Like water, you and whatever person has caught your fancy can flow together as long as you let it happen in the way that is fitting to you both.

There are infinitely many ways in which people can come together, so here we will list only a few of the patterns that we have observed work well for some of the people we have known. All these get modified by your s.e.xual preferences: monos.e.xual, bis.e.xual, transgender, S/M. Here we are talking about what are essentially the family structures of s.l.u.ts.

celibacy Traditionally, celibacy has offered a way for people to focus on intellectual or spiritual concerns, without the distraction of fleshly l.u.s.ts. If you're on a religious quest, or working on your doctoral dissertation, or undergoing a major life change, celibacy- short-term or long-term- may offer a valid means of narrowing your focus for a while.

Similarly, people for whom s.e.x or relations.h.i.+ps have been problematic may choose a period of celibacy as a pathway toward self examination "What kind of person am I when I'm by myself?" (Dossie was celibate for this reason for five months after she left her abusive partner.) Some people are celibate, but not by choice: people who are incarcerated, ill or disabled, geographically isolated, socially unskilled, or underage may have trouble finding partners for consensual s.e.x. Others are celibate simply because they do not, for whatever reason, feel like being sociable or s.e.xual for a while.

We do not see "celibate s.l.u.t" as in any way a contradiction in terms.

Unless your spiritual guest dictates otherwise, a period of celibacy can offer a wonderful "honeymoon for one": a period that you can spend in lengthy and luxurious exploration of your own fantasies, turn-ons and physical reactions to various stimuli. Masturbation can and should be a s.e.xual art equal to partnered s.e.x in its possibilities and complexity, a genuine and honorable manifestation of self-love. And celibacy can become a triumphant celebration of your relations.h.i.+p with yourself.

SlNGLEHOOD For some s.l.u.ts, being single may be a temporary condition between partners, or a recommended period of healing from a recent breakup, or a chosen lifestyle for the long term. Being single is a good way to get to know who you are when you are not trying to fit as the other half of somebody else; learning to live with yourself and enjoy it gives you a lot to share with a partner when you choose to have one.

Dossie has spent about half of her adult life un partnered generating a kins.h.i.+p network from playing the field, raising her daughter in a very supportive community of mutually loving and s.e.xual men and women.

Single people can play the field in a variety of ways. One distinguis.h.i.+ng dimension is how separate you keep your lovers. We may go to great lengths to protect our lovers and ourselves from experiencing any jealousy, to the extent that we often fail to learn how to deal with jealous feelings because we have given ourselves no opportunities to try but more about this later. We promise we will help you with jealousy in its own chapter.

So one form of s.l.u.ttery for the single involves multiple partners who have no interaction, indeed no information about each other. This avoids complications at the cost of limiting certain kinds of intimacy, such as opportunities for mutual support and the development of community.

Another way is to introduce your lovers to each other, perhaps over Sunday brunch. This may sound wild, or impossible, or like a script for disaster, but dont knock it if you ain't tried it. Your lovers have a lot in common, to wit you and whatever attracted you to them, and they may very well like each other: Catherine used to have a marvelously giggly biweekly lunch date with her partner's lover, who lived near her workplace. Indeed, you could go into this situation fearing that your lovers would hate each other, and come out wondering about your own jealousy if your lovers like each other a little better than you bargained for- Catherine stayed friends and occasional lovers with her partner's lover long after his s.e.xual relations.h.i.+p with her had ended.

Introducing your lovers helps prevent one of the scariest aspects of jealousy, which is the part where you imagine that your lover's other lover is taller, thinner, smarter, s.e.xier and in all ways preferable to funky old you. When you meet that other person, or when your lovers meet each other, they meet real people, warts and all, and so may wind up feeling safer. (Believe us, no flesh and blood human is scarier than your own imagination.) This also solves the annual problem about who you spend your birthday with: once they know each other, they can conspire to surprise you with a big party.

Introducing your lovers to each other also makes possible the development of a community, or an extended family of people who are intimately connected through s.e.xual and personal bonds. As more people connect to each other in a variety of ways, including s.e.xual, networks form, and something like families evolve. Then the situation of introducing your lovers can become obsolete, as they may already know each other.

For the single person, becoming lover to one member of a couple requires that you, as the single person, respect their relations.h.i.+p and be courteous and supportive to your lover's primary partner. It also requires that your lover's partner be courteous and supportive to you.

Avoid falling into the trap that you are automatically the co-respondent, the seducer, the home-wrecker, the thief of love when someone who is partnered is attracted to you, or you to them. You are no more the villain than anyone else in this transaction When all of you behave with respect for all of your feelings, there are no victims, and no villains.

The single person may also become lover to a couple, in any combination of genders. Relating to an established couple offers a lot of security to the single person, who can enter into an existing intimacy, and share whatever energy seems to suit, without further obligation. It is an incredible privilege, and a great treat, to be permitted to observe and enter into a couple's s.e.xual pattern that has had the chance to evolve over time with the intense intimacy of partners There is a great beauty in intimate s.e.x, and the lover to a couple is in a great position to partake of it Your authors both cherish memories of delicious moments in three-ways when, perhaps ourselves already sated, we got a quiet moment to watch our lovers make love to each other- a profoundly moving and beautiful sight.

If you are a single person in any open s.e.xual lifestyle, it helps to pay attention to how you are getting your needs met, both s.e.xual and emotional. A life of one-night stands can be warm and intimate if you make your lovers into your family- sharing your emotions with your partners, and expressing affection and appreciation for the delight you find in them. You can get your needs met in an infinite variety of ways. The important thing is to be aware of your needs and wants, so you can go about getting fulfilled with full consciousness. If you pretend that you have no needs, either for s.e.x, or affection, or emotional support, you are lying to yourself, and you will wind up trying to get your needs met by indirect methods that won't work very well. People who do this often get called manipulative or pa.s.sive-aggressive- terms, in our opinion, for people who have not figured out how to get their needs met in a straightforward manner Do not commit yourself to a lifetime of hinting and hoping When you figure out what you want and ask for it, you'll be surprised how often the answer is "yes." Think how relieved you might feel when someone asks you for support, or a hug, or otherwise lets you know how to please her or him. Think of how competent and just plain good you feel when you can truly help another person, whether it's by offering a shoulder to cry on, or that just right stimulation that leads to the perfect o.r.g.a.s.m. Give your friends the opportunity to feel good by fulfilling you too.

partners.h.i.+ps There are multiple forms of open relations.h.i.+ps for the partnered, including serial monogamy, where one's various partners are separated in time, and the ever-popular non consensual nonmonogamy, otherwise known as cheating We can think of these lifestyles as "unconscious free love," but your authors feel both freer and safer when we stay aware It is axiomatic that open relations.h.i.+ps work best when a couple takes care of each other and their relations.h.i.+p first, before they include others in their dynamic So the s.l.u.t couple needs to be willing to do the work we will describe later in this book to communicate well and to handle jealousy, insecurity and territoriality with the highest consciousness. Couples also need to keep their own s.e.xual connection happy, healthy and hot.

Couples can have a secondary relations.h.i.+p outside of the primary, or a number of lovers that dont get ranked in any hierarchy Relations.h.i.+ps vary a lot in how close or distant they are, and in how much contact is involved Some may be short-term, while others may last for years or even a lifetime; some may involve getting together twice a week, others twice a year.

Couples new to nonmonogamy tend to spend a lot of energy defining their boundaries. They usually focus more at first on what they dont want their partner to do- the activities that make them feel, for some reason, unsafe or downright terrified- than on their actual desires.

This is, for many couples, a necessary first step out into the disorienting world of s.l.u.t hood these limits act as friendly handles to grab onto when you're feeling dizzy, scared or insecure. Our observation is that as couples become more sophisticated at operating the boundaries of their relations.h.i.+p, they tend to focus more on what they would enjoy, and then strategize about how they can make it safe.

One woman of our acquaintance has a lifetime lifestyle of having two primary partners, one of each gender, with her other partners and her primaries' other partners forming a huge network. Her primary relations.h.i.+ps historically have lasted many years, through raising children and grandchildren, and her exes are still active members of their extended family. Her and her partners' abilities to extend love and unconditional support to so many people is remarkable.

In some open relations.h.i.+ps, each partner seeks out other partners pretty much separately, often making agreements about who gets to cruise which club when, or taking care to avoid running into each other on the Internet or in the newspaper ads. They may talk about their adventures with each other, and occasionally introduce play partners to their primaries.

Others seek out a close match with another couple so they can play, either as a foursome or by switching partners, with people they have met and chosen together. Many polyamorous couples make a fine lifestyle out of seeking relations.h.i.+ps with couples who are most like themselves, who share their values and boundaries. Such pairings of pairs can become lifelong attachments, and generate both hot s.e.x and true family interconnectedness.

Couples, as well as singles, may enjoy group s.e.x. Environments for orgies, party houses, s.e.x clubs, swing houses, gay men's baths, the tubs or the glory holes, are available in many major cities in a variety of forms, and cater to all s.e.xual preferences. We will tell you all about them in their own chapter. As part of a lifestyle, a group s.e.x environment may const.i.tute a safe field of exploration for a non monogamous couple. They can attend parties together or separately, cruise singly or as a twosome, meet each other's friends, and play with a variety of people, all the while maintaining whatever connection with each other they feel good about. In this way, s.e.x outside of the primary relations.h.i.+p has a boundary of sorts, the specific environment in which it happens, and many people like it that way.

Group s.e.x environments tend to develop their own families, people who come regularly and get to know each other, and may share other activities, like giant Thanksgiving dinners. The film "Personal Services" shows us a warm and marvelous Christmas get-together of such a family in a British house of domination.

Some people form s.e.xually exclusive groups of couples, practicing polyfidelity in a closed but wider field of possibilities so that members can explore s.e.xually and still have a container that will protect them from infection and provide a level of emotional commitment from all members. Some live separately, and some create group marriages of two or three or four couples who have made commitments to raise kids and buy houses, along with whatever agreements they work out about sharing s.e.x.

more than two People can make commtiments to each other in numbers greater than two.

The level of commitment may vary, as when an existing couple makes a commitment to a third partner, or even a fourth. Relations.h.i.+ps that add, and inevitably also subtract, members over time actually tend to form very complex structures, with new configurations of family roles that they generally invent by trial and error. Individuals in groups that come together as a threesome or foursome may find their roles within the family developing, growing and changing over time: the person who feels like "mother" of the group this year might well transition to "kid" or "Dad" over time.

Triads are probably the most common arrangement, allowing partners of one or both genders to form a family unit. Some people grow into triadic or quadratic families as they attain deepening involvement with one or more members who started as outside lovers. Others actively seek members for group marriages, to fulfill their idea of the kind of family they want to live in. We have heard of people who identify as tri s.e.xual because they are so strongly attuned to the idea of living and loving as part of a threesome.

Balancing triads can be challenging, as in any menage a trois there are actually three couples, A & B, B & C, and C & A, and each of these relations.h.i.+ps will be different. In a triad, as with the siblings of a family, all the relations.h.i.+ps will not be at the same level at the same time. Catherine, for instance, recently partic.i.p.ated in a lengthy Internet conversation regarding which member of a triad should ride in the back seat of the car. To get hung up on forcing these relations.h.i.+ps to be exactly the same can leave you in the position of the small kid screaming about "How come she got the first hug?", or the biggest smile, or the hottest o.r.g.a.s.m. We cannot emphasize enough the importance of getting beyond compet.i.tiveness to work inside yourself on accepting difference and uniqueness as a wonderful gift that increases us all.

circles and tribes Circle is a word we use for a set of connections between a group of people that actually might look more like a constellation, with some people near the hub and connected to several others, and others near the outside and connected to only one or two (and, perhaps, part of another constellation as well). These constellations may be casual, or may become actual extended families, with provisions for raising children, making a living, taking care of the sick or aging, and purchasing property.

University of Pennsylvania professor James Ramey, in his wonderful book "Intimate Friends.h.i.+ps," doc.u.mented his observations that nonmonogamy tended toward the forming of what he described as kins.h.i.+p networks, communities bound together by the intimacies of their s.e.xual connections, perhaps serving the same functions as villages did in a smaller world. Some of us have taking to referring to our groupings as tribes.

Circles of s.e.xual friends are common- gay men call these friends "f.u.c.k buddies." Such circles may be open, and welcome new members, typically brought in by other members. When you are part of such a circle, new lovers of any member are potential friends and family members of your own, so the focus changes from compet.i.tion and exclusivity to a sense of inclusion and welcome, often very warm indeed.

Other circles are closed, with new members welcome only by agreement with existing members. Closed circles have become more popular as a strategy for safety from HIV infection and other s.e.xually transmitted conditions, and also to deal with alienation in an overpopulated world.

In a closed circle, the notion is that you can play with anyone in the circle (all of whom have made agreements about safer s.e.x, and are all perhaps of known HIV status) but you dont have s.e.x with anyone outside the group. Thus you get to play around with a variety of relations.h.i.+ps and still stay in a limited field. Such lifestyles are sometimes known as polyfidelity.

Group marriages, of any number, may be formed by a group of couples or may actually avoid dyads, focusing on everyone being an individual member of the group. Groups may also be closed or open. They may choose to celebrate the inclusion of a new member into the family with a marriage-type ceremony- Catherine recently encountered a group of three friends who were shopping together for wedding rings.

The Unethical s.l.u.t: Ways Not to Do It Some people approach open s.e.xual lifestyles as if the most important aspect is the score, and there is no referee. All's fair, right? Sport f.u.c.kers, set collectors and trophy f.u.c.kers treat their partners like prizes in a contest they have set out to win- only what happens after the prize is collected? Is it time to go after the next one?

The concept of set collectors may be new to you, but we a.s.sure you that such people exist. Dossie discovered a bunch of them when she lived in a communal San Francisco household called Liberated Ladies at Large with two other single mothers, and learned that some people's ideal of free love was to make sure they had s.e.x with all three of the liberated sisters. Catherine once discovered that a would-be lover of hers had already had s.e.x with her mother and her sister, and was hoping for a perfect score.

When sport-f.u.c.king means treating your partners as objects rather than as human beings, this does not meet our requirements for mutual respect. We hope you aspire to more from your s.e.xual encounters than to score a few points in the game of love: we prefer to play for real.

Some people approach "scoring" as if all people could be ranked on a hierarchy from the most to the least desirable, and as if the way to make the most points and a.s.sure yourself of a high rank were to collect partners as high up the ladder as you could reach. People gain in rank and value in these hierarchies by being rich, thin, young, cute, wealthy and/or professional, and sometimes by owning expensive wardrobes, cars or other property. You will note that these attributes, the ones you can measure, are all about external characteristics, rather than about the kind of person this is or the warmth and depth of the connection you could make.

We do not believe that love is a game which you can win by scoring high on a hierarchy of shallow values. We know from extensive experience that a fas.h.i.+onable appearance is not a predictor of good loving. We avoid ranking people as better or worse than each other, and are unhappy with those who want to relate to our rank (authors get quite a few points in the "profession" category) more than our selves.

Hierarchies produce victims on the top as well as the bottom, since it is just about as alienating to be approached by too many people for the wrong reasons as it is to be approached by no one at all. We know that each person is unique, and that their own individuality is far more valuable than how they look or what they own Some people enter into s.e.xual encounters as though s.e.x were a big game hunt- trying to conquer the unwilling, and unwitting, victim, as though the object of their attentions would never make a decision to share s.e.x with the seducer unless tricked into it Have we all seen or read "Dangerous Liaisons'"? If you believe that someone else would have to be a fool to make love with you, that may be a self-fulfilling prophecy. If you believe that you can use s.e.x to sh.o.r.e up your fragile self-esteem by stealing someone else's, we feel sorry for you, because this will never work to build a solid sense of self worth, and you will have to go on stealing more and more and never getting fulfilled. And we hope you play the thief of love in some other social circles than our own.

Often, someone who has a history of non consensual nonmonogamy gets attached to the sense of secrecy, of "getting away with something"

These folks may have a very hard time adapting to the idea of consensual s.l.u.t hood they're so used to concealing their activities from their partners that they may even have built that furtive feeling into their erotic life, feeling hooked on the adrenaline rush they get from forbidden fruit It may take a pretty substantial leap of faith, and maybe some creative fantasizing and role-playing, for such an individual to open up her hidden places and experience the greater joy that can come from knowing that n.o.body is getting hurt by her fun.

Don't make promises you can't keep If you are attracted to someone who is looking for a life partners.h.i.+p and what you want is a light-hearted affair (or vice versa), you need to be honest about that, even if that means saying no thank you to s.e.x until your feelings for each other are more on a par. Mistakes can easily be made. Dossie made such a mistake when she was very young and stupid I had just broken up a long term relations.h.i.+p, and was pretty broken up about it myself I had gone out to the coffee shops in Greenwich Village, and saw my recent ex in earnest conversation with a cute young thing who was not me I felt horribly betrayed, lost and worthless Just then, a young man who had been attracted to me, and for whom I had no serious feelings, came up to speak to me. It somehow seemed appropriate to go home with him and let him soothe my ruffled feathers, but I regretted it the next day when I found myself hurting his feelings and leaving him in the lurch. To further aggravate my guilt, it turned out what my ex was doing with that sweet girl was beating his bosom about how horrible he felt about breaking up with me, and we wound up getting back together. I have always felt like I took advantage of the young man who offered me his affection, which I thoughtlessly took and then gave right back to him. It would have been kinder had I just said no.

An older and wiser Dossie has since discovered a couple of limits of her own: she does not share s.e.x with anyone that she's not at least potentially interested in sharing s.e.x with again, and anything worth doing is worth waiting for till the time is right. While we all make mistakes, the hallmark of a skillful s.l.u.t is to learn from them and keep going.

Which brings us to revenge f.u.c.king. It is truly nasty to arrange to have s.e.x with one person to get back at another. To arouse one person's insecurities, jealousy and other painful feelings on purpose is dishonorable, and to use another person like a puppet in your play in this fas.h.i.+on is disrespectful and often downright abusive. In psychopathology, "antisocial" is defined as behaving with flagrant disregard for the rights, and we would add feelings, of others. We prefer to relate to sociable people.

What do you do when someone in your intimate circle is not playing honestly? It helps if the people in your extended family have ways to talk about what is going on, to share experiences and feelings -if everyone is too ashamed to admit to having been misused by someone with an untrustworthy hidden agenda, then no one will have the information they need to protect themselves. There is no shame in having believed someone's lies, and most of us at some time or other have given our trust to someone who turned out not to be worthy of it. It is possible to fool an honest person, but we hope you have enough humility to learn from your mistakes and not get fooled twice.

All of the above problematic scripts are about somebody not being honest, and are also about somebody having s.e.x while avoiding intimacy and emotional connection. We prefer to trust to Nature and allow each relations.h.i.+p to seek its own level. That way we can discover our full potential for intimacy with each particular person, and permit each relations.h.i.+p to form at whatever closeness or distance is appropriate to it at any given time.

Catherine says: Cheryl was my first female lover, and I hers. We connected almost a decade ago, and had a few months of terrific, hot s.e.x. Unfortunately, we foundered on some difficult rocks: I was still sorting out my feelings about s.e.x with women, and, to make matters worse, her feelings toward me became stronger and more romantic than mine toward her. We broke up in a torrent of recriminations and unhappiness. It took some time and effort, and a great deal of difficult communication, but today we're back to being the best of non-s.e.xual friends -although we now live a couple of hours apart, we meet for a meal or an adventure every couple of months, and vacation together annually.

By treating lovers as people, and letting relations.h.i.+ps take the shapes they want instead of the forms forced on them by the culture around them, ethical s.l.u.ts can form friends.h.i.+ps that last as s.e.x waxes and wanes.

CHAPTER 8. ENJOYING s.e.x.

s.e.x is nice and pleasure is good for you. We've said this before, and it bears repeating. In our present lives, your authors enjoy s.e.x for its own sake, and it feels natural and comfortable, but we want you to know that it wasn't always this easy for us. In a culture that teaches that s.e.x is sleazy, nasty, dirty and dangerous, a path to a free s.e.xuality can be hard to find, and fraught with perils while you walk it. If you choose to walk this path, we congratulate you, and offer you support, encouragement and, most important of all, information.

Start with the knowledge that we, and just about everybody else who enjoys s.e.x without strictures, learned how to be this way despite the society we grew up in and that means you can learn too.

what is s.e.x anyway?

To acquire a basic knowledge of s.e.xual functioning, and how the s.e.xual response cycle works in men and women, we recommend strongly that you read one or several of the books in the Bibliography. Books about s.e.x provide a lot of information- more than we can give you in a chapter about how s.e.x works, and what you can do about it when it isn't working as well as you'd like. Self-help exercises are usually provided for concerns about erections or o.r.g.a.s.ms, timing, coming too soon or too slow, and what to do when you can't find your turn-on. You can learn more strategies for safer s.e.x and birth control, and more language so you can more easily talk with your partners about all of this good stuff. We like to use an expanded definition of s.e.x, including more than genitals, more than intercourse, more than the stimulations that lead to o.r.g.a.s.m (and we definitely wouldn't exclude them either!). We like to think that all sensual stimulation is s.e.xual, from a shared emotion to a shared o.r.g.a.s.m. One friend of ours, a professional s.e.x worker, remembers: I'd had a regular session with this guy once before, but one day he showed up, put $400 on the table, and said that he just wanted to talk.

So we lay down together on the futon and talked all evening. It was one of the most intensely s.e.xual experiences of my life; it felt like being in love. We were in this profound heart chakra communication, a s.p.a.ce of pure communion that felt luscious and sweet, as thick as honey. We were close enough that we could feel the heat of each other's bodies, almost but not quite touching- we tried touching a couple of times and it diminished the energy. We were so turned on I felt nauseous. It was mind-boggling. When we expand our concept of what s.e.x is, and let that be whatever pleases us today, we free ourselves from the tyranny of his hydraulics, the ch.o.r.e of getting her off, perhaps even birth control and barriers if we decide that outer course is perfectly good s.e.x in and of itself.

Pleasure is good for you. So do what pleases you, and dont let anybody else tell you what you ought to like, and you can't go wrong.

Stay with what feels good and s.e.x becomes easy, easy for yourself and incredibly easy to share with another.

Obstacles What gets in the way of enjoying s.e.x? s.e.x-negative cultural messages top the list. Many of us start out paralyzed by shame and embarra.s.sment, even after we figure out that we dont want to be embarra.s.sed by s.e.x. Shame, and beliefs we were taught that our bodies, desires and s.e.x are dirty and wrong, make it very hard to develop a healthy self-esteem. Many of us spent our adolescences consumed with guilt for our s.e.xual desires, our fantasies and our masturbation, long before we managed to pull anything off with another human. And when we did connect with others, many of us spent those encounters obsessing about our "performance," often so convinced we were doing it wrong that we forgot to notice how good it felt.

When our desires and fantasies stretch further than a monogamous marriage with a member of the opposite s.e.x, we suffer further attacks on our self-acceptance- we become s.e.x-crazed perverts, the objects of scorn from others and, all too often, ourselves. According to some, even G.o.d hates us. It's hard to feel good about an expansive s.e.xuality when you feel so bad about yourself that you just want to hide.