Forbidden Knowledge Part 14

Political scientist and historian John Stuart Mill showed up at his close friend Thomas Carlyle's house on March 6, 1835, with the only ma.n.u.script of Carlyle's French Revolution. It was a single burned sc.r.a.p of paper. Why just one? Because Carlyle's ma.n.u.script had inadvertently been thrown into the fireprobably by Mill's maid. Mill apologized profusely, and Carlyle responded with remarkable kindness and empathy. After mourning the lost masterpiece, Carlyle restarted the project and eventually finished rewriting French Revolution in 1837. Published in three volumes, its first reviewer was Mill, who may or may not have noticed the abundance of "fire" imagery in the rewritten ma.n.u.script. Either way, Mill tried to make up for his maid's carelessness by hailing the book as a great work of genius. (Indeed, d.i.c.kens used Carlyle's book extensively when writing A Tale of Two Cities.) But their friends.h.i.+p never recovered from the burned ma.n.u.scriptMill went on to become a leading progressive member of Parliament, whose On Liberty is now required reading in political science courses, while Carlyle became something of an angry bigot.

_02:: Pete "I Want to Hold Your Hand" Best (1941) Having been the original drummer for an upstart Liverpool group called the Silver Beetles, Pete Best was sacked in favor of another, more experienced drummer named Richard Starkey, better known as Ringo Starr. As fate would have it, the Silver Beetles changed their name to the Beatles and became the best-known group in the history of rock and roll. Best's mom, who ran the Casbah Club in Liverpool, was their initial booking agent, landing them a two-month gig in Hamburg. But while in Germany the young group happened upon Ringo, and when they returned to London both Paul McCartney and George Harrison asked their new manager, Brian Epstein, to get rid of Best. On August 23, 1962, poor Pete found out that he was no longer a Beatle, and although he later sued Ringo for libel, he received nothing for his early years with the band. Today he tours with his own group (he even put out an alb.u.m under the tricky t.i.tle Best of the Beatles) and freely discusses his sacking, although he doesn't accept the theoriesRingo's superior drumming, McCartney's jealousy, or his own unreliability. In the end, it was only John Lennon who ever sent Best a message about the way the Fab Three had treated him.

_03:: Keith "Can't Get No Satisfaction" Richards (1943) Although Keith Richards first met Mick Jagger in elementary school in 1950, it wasn't until 10 years later when they ran into each other that they found they shared a deep interest in American blues and R & B. Within the next two years they formed the Rolling Stones and began to proclaim themselves "the World's Greatest Rock-and-Roll Band." Of course, they backed up the claim with a long string of hits and concert performances. However, by the mid-1980s, Richards had grown resentful of Jagger's fame and the fact that Mick was receiving the majority of the credit for the Stones' success. Richards had always said that while the Stones existed he would never do a solo alb.u.m and became angry that Jagger was performing outside the group. By 1986, the two were no longer speaking to each other and the group went into hiatus for the next three years. Richards and Jagger publicly went after each other in the press and with songs on their respective solo alb.u.ms. In 1989, the two decided to end the feud and got together in Barbados to write a new alb.u.m, which led to the Stones' first U.S. tour in over eight years, grossing over $144 million. Of course, the jealousy's probably still lurking. After all, Mick was recently knighted for his service to the British Empire, while Richards remains a rock star commoner. He just can't get no satisfaction.

_04:: Johnny "I'm a Lazy Sod" Rotten (1956) In 1975, the 19-year-old John Lydon met a young entrepreneur, Malcolm McLaren, at McLaren's fas.h.i.+on boutique in London called s.e.x. McLaren, who was putting a rock group together, was on the hunt for a lead singer. Happy to oblige, Lydon accepted the position even though he'd never sung before...and somehow Britain's most notorious punk group, the s.e.x Pistols, came into existence. With his outrageously rude manner and his total lack of personal hygiene, Lydon was soon dubbed Johnny Rotten. Because of their lyrics, the group was soon banned on British radio, but they still garnered a huge following. Of course, they garnered huge egos as well. Rotten soon became disenchanted with McLaren's management style and inability to move the group to a higher level of stardom. At the same time, he didn't feel that he was receiving his just due as a top performer, and after a concert in San Francisco in 1978, Rotten officially broke up the group, claiming that all of rock and roll and been played and now it was officially dead. The legal system, however, was not. Johnny Rotten eventually reverted to his given name and, teaming up with the other s.e.x Pistols, successfully sued McLaren for $1.44 million in back royalties.

Touch of Evil As founder and original lead singer of The Supremes, Florence Ballard was more than a little peeved when Berry Gordy moved Diana Ross into the front spot. So, what good did her tantrums do? Ballard was ultimately fired and faded into obscurity, while lady Di became a Motown legend.

_05:: George "You Never Give Me Your Money" Harrison (19432001) Known as "the quiet Beatle," George Harrison, who was the youngest of the lot, was also arguably the best musician among the Fab Four. Having attended school in Liverpool at one time or another with both Paul McCartney and John Lennon, Harrison started jamming with the two, forming a group called the Quarrymen, later to become the Silver Beetles, and eventually just the plain old Beatles. Harrison, who played lead guitar and occasionally sang lead ("Roll Over Beethoven"), was the first Beatle to get involved in Eastern religion. However, over the years, he found it more and more difficult for the group to take his compositions seriously and feature them on the alb.u.ms. Interestingly, some of Harrison's works such as "I Need You," "While My Guitar Gently Weeps," "Here Comes the Sun," and especially "Something," are considered among the Beatles' greatest hits. By 1970, Harrison's resentment of his second-cla.s.s status within the group had grown to the point that it became one of the factors that caused the Beatles to disband.

_06:: Big Mama Thornton (19261984) In 1953, while playing at New York's Apollo Theater as part of the "Hot Harlem Revue," Thornton was asked by composers Jerry Lieber and Mike Stoller to record a song they had written for her. Thornton recorded "Hound Dog" and the single quickly sold nearly two million copies. As we all know, though, a young rockabilly recording artist with Sun Records named Elvis Presley also recorded said song and the rest is history. For her recording of "Hound Dog" and the two million copies sold, Thornton received one check for a whopping total of $500. Of course, that wasn't her only hit. Big Mama's song "Ball and Chain" became a huge hit for her in the 1950s. However, most of us remember that tune as the version recorded in the 1960s by another booming voiceJanis Joplin's. Like so many African American artists before her, Big Mama Thornton never received the financial and historical rewards she was due.

Oedipus Redux:

4 Men Who Tried to Outdo Their Dads

It's always tough to follow in your father's footsteps, particularly if Pops had big feet. Here are four guys who observed the ma.s.sive footprints, and still decided to give it a shot.

_01:: Alexander the Great (356323 BCE) If Alexander was great, his old man was at least really pretty good. After all, Philip II did seize the throne of Macedon from his nephew, reorganize the army, and conquer Greece at the age of 46. "My father will get ahead of me in everything, and will leave nothing great for me to do," Alexander reportedly whined. But Philip was killed during a wedding party brawl before he could put his plan to conquer the Persian Empire into operation. At age 20, Alexander took the throne, and he and his dad's well-trained armies not only conquered Persia, but also India and just about all of the known world. Not bad. And nice of Dad to leave the young Alexander something to do.

_02:: John Quincy Adams (17671848) Unlike Alexander the Great, John Q. had a good relations.h.i.+p with his pa. Not only that, but they seemed to follow similar paths. John Adams had had a long diplomatic career and served as the country's first vice president and second president. Clearly, the apple didn't fall too far from the tree. Like his dad, John Q. was a veteran diplomat. And both fared similarly in their runs for the presidency, as in barely squeaking past their opponents on their way to the big house. But while Dad retired after being defeated for a second term, John Q. was elected to Congress. He served for 18 years, until he was fatally stricken while sitting at his House desk. Unfortunately for the Adams family, two Adamses were apparently plenty when it came to White House material. One of Q.'s three sons, Charles Francis, became a distinguished diplomat. As for the other two, one died of alcoholism and another became a heavy drinker who jumped or fell from a s.h.i.+p in New York Harbor.

_03:: Johann Strauss Jr. (18251899) Junior was the oldest of five sons, and Johann Senior had no interest in his eldest being a musician. After all, he himself was a composer, orchestra leader, and leading Viennese waltz maestro, and he knew the musician's life to be a tough one. Be a banker, Pops said. But Junior wasn't having it. At the age of six Strauss the mouse tried to squeak out his first waltz, but by 19 he was conducting his own dance band in a Viennese restaurant. In 1845, Strauss the smaller became conductor of the city's second militia band, and a bit of father-son rivalry ensued. Pops was, after all, conductor of the first militia band, so for five years the two had a battle of the bands. All ended well enough, though. After Strauss Senior died, Junior was left sans compet.i.tion at the top of the waltzing world.

_04:: Barry Bonds (1964) Whatever else he was capable of accomplis.h.i.+ng, Barry Bonds is baseball pedigree, and the kid was born to play America's game. Consider the facts: Not only did his dad, Bobby, play for 14 years in the major leagues, but his G.o.dfather was none other than the legendary Willie Mays. As a kid, Barry didn't much care for his father, who played for seven different teams and was often away from home. But whatever youthful ambivalence he had toward Dad was gone by the time Barry made the majors himself in 1986. And there's no question that both nature and nurture must have played a role in Bonds's development. In the 100-years-plus history of baseball, only four men have hit at least 300 home runs and stolen 300 bases in their careers. Three of them are Willie Mays, Bobby Bondsand Barry Bonds.

Johnson Jealousy:

5 Women Who Disguised Themselves as

Men to Succeed

As sharp, determined women, these five gals didn't let the "It's a man's world" mantra dull their ambitions. Instead, they pulled their pants on one leg at a time, just like the guys, then set out to tackle their dreams.

_01:: Anne Bonney (1700?) The daughter of a big-shot South Carolina plantation owner, Anne fell in love with a sailor and went off to sea. But then her love life took an unusual turnshe fell in love with a pirate, Captain John "Calico Jack" Rackham. One of the most feared buccaneers of the day, Bonney dressed as a man, and shared Rackham's pirating adventures. But that's just the start of it. Rackham's Bonney, who seemed to be lying all over the ocean, found herself attracted to one of his lieutenants...only the officer turned out to be a disguised woman named Mary Read. In 1722, Rackham's s.h.i.+p was captured, and Bonney and Read were sentenced to hang. Butsurprisethey were both found to be pregnant, and British law forbade executing pregnant women. Bonney escaped the gallows only to disappear into the mists of history.

_02:: Deborah Sampson (17601827) Standing tall at 5 feet 8 inches and strong from years as an indentured servant, Deborah Sampson didn't have much trouble enlisting in the Continental Army in 1781. That is, until she got drunk and spilled her secret. Undaunted, she reenlisted under her dead brother's name and served with distinction for three years. Amazingly, even bullet wounds didn't prove to be Sampson's undoing. Once wounded in the thigh, she decided to remove the musket ball herself rather than jeopardize her secret. When she caught a fever, however, a doctor finally discovered the truth, and she was honorably discharged. In 1792, the state of Ma.s.sachusetts paid her back wages for her service, and in 1804, with the help of an old friend, Paul Revere, she was awarded a veteran's pension by Congress.

_03:: Sarah R. Wakeman (18431864) At least 400 women fought in the Civil War as men, but Wakeman got a head start on most of them. A farmer's daughter, she disguised herself as a man to get a job on a coal barge. Then, for a $152 bountyor about a year's wagesshe joined the Union Army in August 1862. Most of her stretch was spent in noncombat situations, but Sarah did fight in at least one battle. In 1864, our young patriot was stricken with dysentery and died in a New Orleans military hospital. But her secret wasn't revealed till years later. Her gravestone reads "Private Lyons Wakeman," and her ident.i.ty surfaced only when her letters home were brought to light a century later. "I am as independent as a hog on ice," she wrote in one letter. Or as a woman in this man's army.

_04:: James Miranda Stuart Barry (1795?1865) Barry wanted to be a doctor in the worst way, which for a woman in the early 19th century meant pretending to be a man. Thus disguised, she enrolled at Edinburgh University, graduating at the tender age of 15. In 1813, Barry joined the British army, and by the time she retired in 1859, she had served all over the world and risen to the rank of senior inspector general. In fact, Barry is credited with performing the first successful caesarean section in the British Empire while in South Africa. Known as a skilled surgeon, and as a grump, she's recorded to have fought at least one duel and also publicly scolded Florence Nightingale. And while there was speculation about Barry's s.e.xual preferences during her life, her gender itself stayed private until after her death.

_05:: Billy Tipton (19141989) Dorothy Tipton wanted to swing, so at the age of 19, the Oklahoma Cityborn kitten reinvented herself as a jazz cat: the saxophone- and piano-playing Billy Tipton. A popular nightclub entertainer in the Pacific Northwest, Tipton played in big bands and fronted her own trio. More amazing, she had five common-law wives and three adopted sons. According to biographer Diane Wood Middlebrook, Tipton concealed her gender by using a prosthetic male organ, binding her b.r.e.a.s.t.s and having s.e.x only in the dark. Even more amazingly, she explained it all away with vague references to "past accidents." Of course, the truth came out after Tipton's death when someone leaked the story to a Spokane newspaper and the dirt started a bitter fight among her survivors, thus ending a splendid deception on a somewhat sour note.

Touch of Evil In 1950, 12-year-old Kathryn Johnston tucked her hair under a cap and tried out for the King's Dairy Little League team of Corning, New York, under the androgynous handle Tubby Johnston. She made the cut and clued her coach in to her secret two weeks into the season.

To the Victor Go the Oils:

3 Early Middle East Conflicts

Sometimes the oil looks greener on the other side. Long before huge reservoirs of oil were discovered in Persia in 1908, the Middle East was prize territory. Ma.s.sive, waterless deserts, you say? One hundred twenty degrees in the shade in May? Well, sure. But like any good real estate professional will tell you: location, location, location. For millennia, the Middle East was a gateway from Europe to Africa, India, and East Asia. Combine that with the Middle East's cultural and religious diversity, and you've got a place worth fighting for.

_01:: The Battle for Mecca Unlike Jesus or the Buddha, Muhammad founded a religion and a political ent.i.ty. As the leader of the early Islamic community in Mecca, Muhammad found himself at odds with his clan's pagan leaders. Facing annihilation, Muhammad and his followers fled Mecca for Medina in 622 CE. Over the next eight years, the Muslims periodically engaged in b.l.o.o.d.y battles over Mecca (in one, the Prophet's uncle was partially eaten by the wife of a Meccan tribal leader). However grand a general he was, Muhammad was an even better negotiator: In 630, the Muslims finally overtook Mecca via a treaty with tribal leaders. After almost a decade of casualties, nary a drop of blood was shed in the final battle for Islam's holiest city.

_02:: The Battle of Karbala (Which Has Nothing to Do with Madonna) Although the fighting lasted only a couple hours and the result was never really in question, the Battle of Karbala has come to symbolize the divide between s.h.i.+a and Sunni Muslimsand, for many Muslims, represents the last stand of Islam's golden age. After the Prophet Muhammad's death, the Islamic community was led by a succession of four "Rightly Guided" caliphs. By 680 CE, however, a ruthless and distinctly Wrongly Guided caliph named Yazid held court, and the Prophet's grandson Husayn set out to defeat him. Husayn and just 72 followers (many of them young boys) met Yazid's ma.s.sive army at Karbala, in present-day Iraq. And though Husayn and his supporters were slaughtered, the martyrdom is still remembered by s.h.i.+a Muslims today with pa.s.sion plays and public mourning.

_03:: The Crusades Not content to let Muslims fight among themselves, Christian Europe decided to get into the act in 1095 CE. For the following two centuries, European Christians undertook eight major expeditions hoping to conquer Jerusalem and control Christ's tomb, the Holy Sepulcher (which seems like a lot of troublewaging eight wars over a cave where Jesus spent three measly days). Armed with plenty of manpower, the Crusaders took Jerusalem in 1099, but Saladin then reconquered it in 1187. Long story made short, the back-and-forth kept on until everyone got tired and decided to postpone fighting over Jerusalem until the mid-20th century. Of course, the Crusades had a lasting effect on the therefore fairly peaceful relations.h.i.+p between the Islamic world and the Christian one, but they also deepened the divide between the Catholic and Eastern Orthodox churches, particularly when the Catholics decided to sack Constantinople during the fourth Crusade.

Touch of Evil Italian p.o.r.n star Ilona Staller tried to save everyone a peck of trouble back in 1990 when she told Newsweek magazine that she'd sleep with Saddam Hussein "to achieve peace in the Middle East."

When Opposites Attack:

6 Feuds Steeped in Jealousy

Jealousy has been likened to a green-eyed monster, much like G.o.dzilla, a rampaging creature that leaves destruction in its wake. Unlike G.o.dzilla, however, jealousy and the feuds it sparks are by no means limited to leveling Tokyo.

_01:: Feud like an Egyptian: The Petiese Saga It was a time of renaissance in ancient Egypt, but for the town of Teudjoy the seventh and sixth centuries BCE were a little less enlightening. The tiny town became the venue for a multigenerational feud, leading to the demise of a n.o.ble family. Here's how the tragic happenings kicked off. In 660, the pharaoh Psammetichos I appointed a n.o.bleman named Petiese to take charge of Teudjoy's Temple of Amun. If the local priests were nervous about this appointment, it was for good reason: Petiese punished corruption and incompetence with beatings and ended up taking personal charge of the temple's affairs. Even worse for the priests, within a few years the place was thriving. With less than holy spirit, the jealous priests took their revenge, murdering Petiese's grandsons in the temple itself. Of course, Petiese tried to get the pharaoh's support, but by then the king was too old and sick to do anything about it. Unfortunately, the vicious pattern of attack, reprisal, and appeal to authority continued for at least four generations, at the end of which the family of Petiese was reduced to utter poverty, still begging officials to take note and restore them to glory.

_02:: They're All Greeks to Me: The Peloponnesian War In the early years of the fifth century BCE, the cities of Greece, led by Athens and Sparta in a h.e.l.lenic League, successfully fought off two separate Persian invasions. But the alliance developed cracksinstead of focusing on what they had in common (like wine, olive oil, and pedophilia), the Athenians and Spartans let their mutual jealousy and political and economic differences split the h.e.l.lenic League into two competing blocs, the Spartan-led "Peloponnesians" and the Athenian-dominated "Delians." Although it was difficult for the two sides to actually fight a battle (Athenian military might was mostly naval, while Sparta had few s.h.i.+ps but large land armies), they finally worked out all the angles and settled in for nearly three decades of fighting in 431 BCE. Sparta won (sort of), but both sides were so exhausted from the fighting that in the end, both were left as prey for rival states, first Thebes and later the rising star of Macedon.

_03:: Viking Love Triangle: The Tragedy of Laxdaela The Laxdaelas struggled to succeed in harsh 10th-century Iceland, and their tale (cleverly t.i.tled The Laxdaela Saga) reads like a veritable catalog full of soap operaish jealousy. It starts out with the family fleeing Norway because one of its ancestors, Ketill Flatnose, incurred the envy of King Harald for his able administration and great wealth. A good enough reason to leave, we suppose. But the drama just keeps coming: the tension between jealous half brothers Hoskuld and Hrut almost leads to combat; a chieftain named Olaf "the Peac.o.c.k" incurs the jealousy of kinsmen and neighbors for, among other things, the ostentatious clothes that gave him his monicker; and a woman named Gudrun goads her husband, Bolli, into a feud against his cousin and foster brother, Kjartan (who had promised to marry Gudrun but later reneged). And if there weren't enough punches thrown in there for your taste, the emotional climax of the tale comes in 1003, when Bolli and some friends ambush Kjartan only to kill his foster brother in a duel. And while Bolli immediately regrets his actions, catching Kjartan as he falls, Gudrun probably does, too; just before her death in the mid-1000s Gudrun reportedly tells her son, "To him I was worst whom I loved best." Hey, sometimes love really hurts.

_04:: Sibling Rivalry among the Children of the Sun When Inca Huayna Capac, the G.o.d-king of the Andes, died in 1525, he left his oldest son, Huascar, as the new king. But Huascar was dismayed to learn that his father had left the rich lands in and around the city of Quito to his younger son, Atahualpa. Apparently, the irritation was directed both ways. Atahualpa envied his older brother's rank and t.i.tle, especially since Huascar was ugly, ill-tempered, and probably crazy. Fortunately, the two brothers decided to settle their differences like gentlemen. Unfortunately, they were Inca gentlemen, who also happened to have fully equipped armies at their disposal. The two brothers engaged in a brutal civil war in which tens of thousands died. In the end (1532) Atahualpa won, but the empire was so weakened that it was unable to offer serious resistance to the Spaniards, who conveniently showed up a few months later.

_05:: Blood Brothers: Jamuka and the Great Khan Jamuka was chieftain of the Jadirat, a minor Mongol tribe, but through a combination of military skill and cunning diplomacy, he managed to acquire a large following in the closing years of the 1100s. Among his allies was a young chieftain named Temudjin; the two were so close that they became each other's anda, or blood brother. But things turned sour (much like fermented horse milk, the Mongol national drink) as Jamuka watched his little bro gain influence, followers, and herds of precious sheep and horses. The jealousy came to a head when Jamuka took the t.i.tle of Gurkhan ("Warlord") in 1201 and declared war on his erstwhile buddy, which turned out to be a pretty unwise move. In 1205, after repeated defeats, Jamuka's own men murdered him and declared allegiance to Temudjin, who took the t.i.tle "Genghis Khan" after rewarding the a.s.sa.s.sins by executing them.

_06:: Redneck Rampage: The Saga of Douglas County Apparently, in the mid-1800s in Douglas County, Missouri, jealousy could be a deadly thing. It all started pretty innocently: two rival families, the Alsups and the Sheltons, gathered to engage in a little friendly horse racing. But during the race a Shelton hit an Alsup's horse with his whip. The Alsup then hit the Shelton back, with more fun ensuing. The games ended a few moments later when the Shelton killed the Alsup by shooting him in the heart. The Shelton was immediately blown away by an older Alsup, who in turn was made to resemble Swiss cheese by a hail of Shelton gunfire. The feud went back and forth until the Sheltons were forced to leave the county. Left without any family compet.i.tion, the Alsups terrorized the region until the angry citizens banded together and killed enough of them to cow the rest into submission.

Born Losers:

5 Infamous Second-place Finishers

Who Never Got the Spotlight

No one remembers who followed the Beatles on The Ed Sullivan Show. No one remembers the second dog to go into s.p.a.ce, who Secretariat's closest compet.i.tor was, or who was the first man to break Roger Bannister's 4-minute mile. Nope, those names have been relegated to the same part of your brain reserved for high school chemistry and diagramming sentences. But we think it's about time you polished off your gray cells and gave some of these second-placers a second look.

_01:: Tenzing "I Could Have Climbed This Without You" Norgay Tenzing Norgay was a Sherpa, one of the hardy mountain folk of Nepal. Like many Sherpa, he discovered that he could make a nice living guiding Europeans up the mountains of his homeland. In 1952, he led Sir John Hunt's expedition to the summit of Mount Everest, the highest point on earth. But few remember Norgay's name, because a New Zealander, Edmund Hillary, insisted on being the first person to stand on the summit. It took Hillary and company seven weeks to climb to the summit and three days to descend, though one suspects Norgay could have done better without the Europeans. In 2004, Pemba Dorji, another Sherpa, reached the peak in just 8 hours, 10 minutes.

_02:: Thorfinn "I Could Have Discovered This Without You" Karlsefni Most Americans now know that Leif Eriksson was the first European to make a doc.u.mented landfall in the New World. No one remembers the guy who got there second. In 1010, 10 years after Lucky Leif's expedition, an Icelander named Thorfinn Karlsefni led an expedition of two s.h.i.+ps to North America, exploring regions he called h.e.l.luland, Markland, Furdustraands, and Straumford (probably the coast of Labrador and Quebec). Thorfinn's men even built a settlement called Hop, but they were forced to abandon it and head back to Greenland after coming under attack by the natives.

_03:: Gottfried "I Figured This Out Without You (and Didn't Even Get a Lousy T-s.h.i.+rt)" von Leibniz Leibniz was a brilliant mathematician of the late 1600s as well as a philosopher, scientist, lawyer, librarian, and diplomat. Of course, today he is remembered (outside the wacky world of mathematicians) for none of these things. The reason? Independent of Leibniz, Sir Isaac Newton simultaneously developed many of the principles underlying the science of calculus. Newton turned out to be the better promoter. When schoolchildren today mutter about having to learn calculus, it's Sir Isaac's name they curse, and Sir Isaac alone they envision roasting in h.e.l.l. As far as recognition goes, Leibniz definitely got the short end of the stick.

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad,

Mad Scientist

MAYBE THAT APPLE DID FALL ON NEWTON'S HEAD There's a fine line between genius and madness, and Isaac Newton skipped back and forth over it like a giddy schoolgirl. Often forgetting to eat, Newton would wake up in the morning and then sit on the edge of the bed for hours. Of course, all that time spent on his mattress didn't really help his att.i.tude: Newton was notorious for being a champion grouch, even with his friends. And despite being one of the greatest scientists the world has ever known, Newton spent countless hours either practicing alchemy (trying to prove lead could be turned into gold) or trying to disprove the Christian religious tenet of the Trinity. That ain't all, though. While studying lights and colors, Newton once stuck a big needle in his eye socket to determine what was back in there, and stared at the sun so long that he had to spend days in a darkened room to recover his vision. It's been suggested he was mildly autistic. Or maybe just nuts.

_04:: Claudius Most people with an interest in cla.s.sics know that Julius Caesar was the first Roman general to lead an invasion of Britain. Few, however, remember that Caesar's expedition ended without a permanent occupationhe was forced to return to finish up a collection of outrageously one-sided battles in Gaul (which became known as the Gallic War). And it was four generations before a Roman commander again led troops to fair Britannia. In 43 CE the emperor Claudius, thought by many to be an imbecile, led a brilliant lightning conquest of the Britons, coordinating a number of legions and even bringing the first elephants ever seen so far north. In fact, "Claudius the Fool" was given the surname Britannicus in honor of his victories. Not bad for a moron.

_05:: Robert Falcon Scott Captain Scott engaged in a famous and not-so-friendly contest with Norwegian Roald Amundsen to be the first human to reach the South Pole. Amundsen spent months preparing for his journey, learning cold-weather survival techniques from indigenous people of the Arctic. Scott, on the other hand, believed he needed no such instruction; ignoring sources on Inuit customs, refusing to use dogsleds, and otherwise, as the British say, "making a hash of things." On January 18, 1912, Scott and his party arrived after much hards.h.i.+p at the South Pole, only to discover that Amundsen's party had beaten them by over a month (Amundsen even left Scott a note advising him to help himself to whatever was left at the Norwegian camp). Amundsen returned home a hero; while Scott, well, didn't. Sadly, he and his entire party died on their return trek in weather that was harsh even by Antarctic standards.