The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 109

I think the water at Long Branch iz too psalt.

I noticed that most ov the people went out into the water sum ways from the sh.o.r.e, the water may taste more fresh out thare.

I laid down on mi flat stummuk, cluss tew the edge ov the water, and drank sum.

[Ill.u.s.tration: LONG BRANCH, SARATOGA, AND LAKE GEORGE.]

But the folks that waz out in the water got on a frolik, and pushed the water into the sh.o.r.e so mutch that it went all over me.

This waz looked upon az kussid smart, and every boddy laffed.

I did not see enny thing phunny in it, and so i didn't laff.

The water at Long Branch iz verry plenty, and will last for menny years to c.u.m, if they are saving ov it. They told me that the water at Long Branch waz good for the fidgit, and the conipshun.

I think if the water waz strained, and the mineral got out ov it, i might worry down sum ov it.

I took a jug ov the water home, and tried it on mi aunt, who haz a fidgit once in a while, but she didn't hanker for it but once.

I sent a vial ov it tew our minister, and the next Sunday hiz text waz, "if psalt has lost its saver, whare shall it be psalted."

While i waz at Long Branch i think thare waz more than a millyun ov people c.u.m and went, and i didn't hear one ov them find enny phalt with the taste ov the water.

I shall go down thare next spring early, and stay thare till i learn how tew like the water.

While at Long Branch i put up at the Continental hotel, which iz handy to the water.

This hotel is 7 hundred feet long, and one hundred and sixty-five feet thick, and the water iz lokated just about in front ov the middle ov the hotel.

The landlord ov this hotel iz a very clever ph.e.l.low, and told me he had kept the house 5 years, and couldn't drink the water yet with mutch suckcess.

His name iz W. H. Borrows, and i reckomend him to all who are in search ov a landlord.

I went from Long Branch to Saratoga immejiately and begun to drink.

I don't think the water at Saratoga iz so mineral az at Long Branch.

I staid at Saratoga four weeks, and worked away at the water all the time.

The more i drinkt, the less i wanted to.

The water ain't so numerous at Saratoga, az it iz at Long Branch, and that iz the reason whi they bottle it.

I stopt at the Grand Union Hotel while at Saratoga, and noticed several people thare.

This hotel iz kept by the _Lelands_, and iz kept just az i should keep hotel, if i waz a going tew keep one.

I always thought it waz dredful easy to keep a good hotel, and after staying 4 weeks at the Grand Union I know it iz.

The clerks at this hotel are a hansum set ov ph.e.l.lows and they all told me they knew how to drink the water.

I shall c.u.m here next summer and stop at this same hotel, if they will let me, and i shall keep comeing year after year, until i learn how to finally drink the water.

From Saratoga i went to Lake George.

I went by the Adirondax ralerode, and found it a most delitesum route, besides being mutch the cheapest.

One reason ov this waz bekauze the superintendant ov the rode presented me with a pa.s.s to go and c.u.m.

I kan say to all who are going to Lake George to drink the waters, yu had better go by the Adirondax route yu will git less dust and more shade; yu will find good stages, jolly drivers, kind agents, and just az like az not, a free pa.s.s for yourself and wife.

I reached Lake George in time to drink before dinner, and couldn't taste enny psalt in the water.

I waz suprized at this, and concluded i had injured mi taste.

I tried the water the next morning, and found them still unsalty, and paid mi bill, and left.

The landlord asked me, with tears in hiz eyes, what waz the matter, and i whispered in hiz ear that the water lakt psalt.

He begged mi pardon, and offered tew fix sum for me.

I left Lake George with the firm convikshun that the water iz too fresh tew be proffitable.

Sumthing was sed tew me about the scenery around Lake George being so fine; but i didn't go for scenery, i went for water.

After spending eleven weeks ov pure, unspekeled happiness, i find miself at hum agin, feeling like a birde, but a leetle water-soaked.

I shall start in a phew days for Utaw, and shall spend the winter thare, and praktiss on the waters.

I am told that the waters at psalt lake are more substanshall tew drink than enny others.

I shall visit Brigham Young while i am thare, and study pollygamy.

If pollygamy iz a blessing, the quicker we all find it out the better.

I forgot to state that i saw one man at Saratoga drink 9 gla.s.ses ov mineral water konsekutiff. They sed he waz a sailor--a regular old psalt.

I also saw one man at Long Branch drink more water than he could swaller. He c.u.m very near drounding to deth.

But thare iz excepshuns tew the general rule.

SUM VEGETABEL HISTORY.

The strawberry is one ov natur's sweet pets.