The Complete Works of Josh Billings Part 110

She makes them worth fifty cents, the fust she makes, and never allows them tew be sold at a mean price.

The culler ov the strawberry iz like the setting sun under a thin cloud, with a delicate dash of the rain bo in it; its fragrance iz like the breath ov a baby, when it fust begins tew eat wintergreen lossingers; its flavor is like the nektar which an old-fas.h.i.+oned G.o.ddess used tew leave in the bottom ov her tumbler, when Jupiter stood treat on Mount Ida.

There iz menny breeds ov this delightful vegetable, but not a mean one in the whole lot.

I think i have stole them, laying around loose, without enny pedigree, in sumboddy's tall gra.s.s, when I waz a lazy schoolboy, that eat dredful easy, without enny white sugar on them, and even a bug occasionally mixed with them in the hurry of the moment.

Cherrys are good, but they are too mutch like sucking a marble, with a handle tew it.

Peaches are good, if yu don't git enny ov the pin-feathers into yure lips.

Watermelons will suit ennyboddy who iz satisfied with halfsweetened drink; but the man who can eat strawberrys besprinkled with crushed shuggar, and besmattered with sweet cream, (at sumboddy else's expense), and not lay hiz hand on hiz stummuk, and thank the author ov strawberrys and stummuks, iz a man with a worn-out conscience--a man whose mouth tastes like a hole in the ground, that don't care what goes down it.

NEW ASHFORD.

The village ov New Ashford iz lokated in the state ov Ma.s.sachusetts, and iz about 150 miles west ov Plymouth rok.

It iz one ov them towns that dont make enny fuss, but for pure water, pure morals, and good rye, and injun bread, it stands on tiptoze.

It waz settled soon after the landing ov the pilgrims, bi sum ov that party, and like all the Nu England towns, waz, at one time, selebrated for its stern religious creed, and its excellent rum and tanzy.

It may seem a leetle strange, tew these latter day saints, tew hear me mix up rum and religion together, but i had an Unkle, who preached G.o.d's word in the next town south ov New Ashford, 80 years ago, who died in due time, and went to heaven.

This genial old saint alwus took, on week daze, three magnificent horns ov rum and tanzy, and Sundaze he took four.

I hav no doubt it lengthened out hiz time, and braced up hiz faith.

But i wouldn't advise enny ov the yung klergy ov to-day tew meddle with rum and tanzy, az a fertilizer.

The tanzy iz all rite--it grows az green and az bitter az ever; for man kant adulturate it, but the rum haz bin bedeviled into rank pizon.

One sich horn az mi old unkle used tew absorb between hiz sermons on Sunday (5 inches, good and strong) would disfranchise a whole drove ov preachers now.

In them daze, the preacher waz a stalwart man, and could mo his swarth in the hay field, with the best ov them, and could ride a hard trotting cob or a hoss, 6 miles an hour, all day, akrost the mountains, and set doun at night, to biled pork and kabbage, and kold injun puddin, and after thanking the Lord for his menny mersys, eat hiz way klean to the middle ov the table.

But times, and men, hav altered, and so haz rum and tanzy.

I dont want them good old times tew c.u.m back agin, we aint pure enuff now tew stand them, neither are we tuff enuff.

Our virtews may be az pure in the eyes ov heaven, but they kant stand the biled pork, and rum, ov one hundred years ago.

We are told that mankind are growing weaker and wizer; weaker i admit, but wisdum that is gained at the expense ov simplicity may be a doubtful gain.

I never hav met an old man yet, who didn't mourn the degeneracy ov the times.

Wisdum don't konsist in knowing more that iz new, but in knowing less that iz false.

But, dear Mr. ----, i will now git back tew whare i am, and tell yu sumthin about New Ashford.

If yu luv a mountain, c.u.m up here and see me.

Right in front ov the little tavern, whare i am staying, rizes up a chunk ov land, that will make yu feel weak tew look at it.

I hav bin on its top, and far above waz the brite blu ski, without a kloud swimming in it, while belo me the rain shot slanting on the valley, and the litening played its mad pranks.

How is this for hi?

But what a still place this New Ashford iz.

At sunrize the roosters crow all around, once apiece; at sunset the cows c.u.m hollering home tew be milked; and at twilite out steal the krickets, with a song, the burden ov which seems sad and weary.

This iz all the racket thare iz in New Ashford. It iz so still here that you can hear a feather drop from a blujay's tail.

Out ov this mountain, squeezed bi the weight ov it, leaks a little brook ov water, and up and down this brook each day i loiter.

In mi hand i hav a short pole, on the end ov the pole a short line, on the line a sharp hook, looped on the hook a grub, or a worm.

Every now and and then thare c.u.ms dancing out ov this little brook a live trout no longer than yure finger, but az sweet az a stick ov kandy, and in he goes at the top ov mi baskit.

This iz what i am here for; trout for breakfast, trout for dinner and trout for supper.

I am az happy and az lazy az a yerling heifer.

I hav not a kare on mi mind, not an ake in mi boddy.

I haven't read a nuzepaper for a week, and wouldn't read one for a dollar.

[Ill.u.s.tration]

I shall stay here till mi munny givs out, and shall c.u.m bak tew the senseless crash ov the city, with a tear in mi eye, and holes in both ov mi boots.

This world iz phull ov fun, but most pholks look too hi for it.

On one side ov this mountain they say thare iz rattlesnaix, on that side of the mountain, iz whare i dont go.

I am just az fraid ov a snaix as a woman iz, i had rather meet the devil, ennytime, on a bust, than a three foot snaik. A striped snaik in the morning spiles the rest ov that day for me.

I am coming home, dear Friends in two months, and then i will set down, in yure little sanktum, and whisper to you.

It iz so still here, that a whisper sounds loud; a still noize iz another name, i beleave, for happiness. The bible sez: "_peace, be still_."

The fust thing i do in the morning, when i git up, iz tew go out and look at the mountain, and see if it iz thare, if this mountain should go away, how lonesum i should be.